filed under: Zach Braff

If you are anything like us (and we can see by your cool soul patch and silky dragon shirt that you are), you've been wringing your hands and grinding your teeth, trying to figure out what specifically went wrong between Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo. Thank God, then, that we have the National Enquirer to clue us in. It seems that she'd been enjoying a little outer-romance romance will the likes of uberdouches Zach Braff and Jared Leto. Take it away, Enquirer (via Celebitchy):

[Jessica Simpson’s] fling with Zach Braff began after a recent party hosted by Diddy, when the mogul received his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

“They spent that night together and several others,” the source said.

“Then she turned to Jared [Leto] for several more romantic trysts! And this was happening right under Tony Romo’s nose!”

At one point she was juggling all three guys, according to the source.

That's not as sexy as the idea of Jessica Simpson having sex with all three guys at once, but juggling them is pretty impressive. Especially if they were on fire. more »

Apparently Zach Braff is on a mission to despoil lovely young actresses whom we like with his truly unique brand of scuzzy dickwaddiness. Over the weekend he was seen contaminating the otherwise pure visage of Drew Barrymore. Page Six reports:

WHEN Page Six first reported that Zach Braff was flirting with Drew Barrymore at the "SNL" after-party a few months ago, we didn't think anything would come of it - after all, Barrymore was dating Spike Jonze and Braff was dating just about everyone. But they recently reconnected and spent the weekend in East Village bliss. On Saturday, the lovebirds held hands strolling down Lafayette Street and that night made out at Beauty Bar.

And according to the Daily News:

Zach Braff - who's not a cad, according to his blog - hit the town Saturday with Drew Barrymore. The two were spotted making out at Beauty Bar on E. 14th St., sez Gawker.com.

This quote prompted us to check out Braff's website, hoping we'd get a nice diatribe defending his horrible pickup lines, but instead we got thousands upon thousands (seriously) of words filled with lame "jokes" and shameless self-promotion. Thanks, Zach! But anyhow, we thought Drew Barrymore had a bit more sense than to suck face with Zach Braff (although we had forgotten about her brief marriage to Tom Green, so we suppose it's not actually out of character). Someone needs to get this girl a copy of that Mandy Moore song right now, before he tricks her into starring in his next directorial effort, the story of an introspective aging indie-rock musician who finds love and salvation when a quirky yet adorable diner waitress refuses to fill his hash-brown order. Hilarity--and many, many songs by the Shins--ensues.

• Kylie Minogue's been given the cancer all-clear. And, apparently, the all-clear to get unceremoniously dumped by that one guy who was in S.W.A.T.

• Whoops, Eminem and Kim are NOT engaged again after all. They're married! Just funnin'.

• Anna Paquin gets see through. But don't touch her! Or she'll suck out your life force! Ahahaha! Hahahaha! Because . . . because she's Rogue. Get it? Um.

• Heather Graham. Bridget Moynahan. Movie lesbians. Suck on that, Tom Brady.

• Adrianne Curry is very, very surprised that America's Next Top Model wasn't the key to setting the modeling world alight.

• Christina Aguilera cooks in the nude for her husband. Most likely, bananas foster. Because he's a monkey, see.

• Seeing as how Drew Barrymore has a fetish for annoying, facially unfortunate men (Tom Green, that dude from Hole, etc.), it's no surprise to learn that she may be rubbing her business onto the smug, Shandling-esque mug of Zach Braff.

• Mischa Barton has allegedly dumped Cisco Adler not because he has freakishly huge testicles, but because everyone now knows that he has freakishly huge testicles.

• Charlize Theron is getting sued for not wearing fancypants expensive free watches for tons of scratch. What a world! What a world!

• Anne Hathaway is all "Oh, boo hoo hoo hoo hoo! I have beautiful hair! Waaaaah, my rack is rotund and perfect! Booooo, I'm famous and stunning! Pooooor me! Wah wah cry sob sob wah."

• Katie Holmes: putting the "tard" in "unitard".

• Penelope Cruz dons the itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow bikini, sans polka dots.

• Reese was like "OMG I totes slept through the Oscar noms cuz I sooo don't care, whateverrrrr, tee hee hee" and then Heath and Michelle were all "Oh like us too, that illegitimate baby of ours can be a real shit so we were catching some Z's and like we got nominated and didn't even know it cuz we are sooo coooool LOL" and then we were like, "shut up, asswipes."

• Elle MacPherson toasts her tater tots in the sun. Again. Plus bonus Kylie Minogue shots (maybe old, but those breasts look perfectly healthy and cancer-free to us).

• Love is blind. Really, really, really blind: Zach Braff and Mandy Moore to wed.

• Crazy, cardboard-colored, bewigged Jordan is going to update her tits, trading her 32FFs for a more "pert" pair, and selling the old ones on eBay (natch). "I've had them eight years now," she says of her old pair. That's like 48 in fake tit years.

• Lisa Loeb ponies up a little bra to match the thong. Either she's really desperate for attention or she just likes to show off her underoos. Either way, you have an erection.

Can someone please, for the love of all that is godly and true in today's material world, tell us what it is that makes Zach Braff so irresistable to nubile young starlets? If all it takes to nab shorties is having a homely, rubbery face replete with tiny mole eyes and a potato nose, and an unfunny sitcom, then why isn't Jon Cryer up to his neck in Olsen va-jay-jay? more »