filed under: videos

Don't you love it when celebrities confirm things we've known for like three years? But in the case of Angelina Jolie being tricked into admitting she's saddling two specimens of human perfection in her lady chamber, at least she wasn't all, "I'm not pregnant, I swear. I just really love huge billowy dresses all of the sudden," and then finally own up like a month before she popped like a certain zombie-espoused famous lady we know. So way to be more honest than someone there, Ang. Or rather, way to let someone else spill the big news for you, as Jack Black does in the following Today interview. It's long, and it does contain Jack Black doing kung fu kicks and using his "I'm Jack Black and I'm mettttalllll" voice, so to save you the agony, here's the gist of it: Jack Black is a secret-ruining, scraggly, scruffy dillweed. Oh, and so is Dustin Hoffman, possibly minus the scraggly, scruffy part, as he blabbed Angie's due date, which is August 19th. So what does Angie think of her tattletale Kung Fu Panda (ugh) castmates (when the cameras aren't rolling, of course)? Just take a gander at that photo up there; we're pretty sure that Angie boxed Jack about the ears but good as soon as the photog was through. Either that or she really wants Madonna's ropy guns and is trying to achieve that sinewy look through extreme fist exercises.

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Prior to adopting underprivileged children from foreign lands, Angelina Jolie was smoking various sundry powders from foreign lands. According to the always dubious Starpulse, some dude approached the National Enquirer with a tape that allegedly shows Ms. Jolie sucking a dong. A glass dong. Filled with heroin.

The Enquirer’s source claims the tape’s owner is seeking $70,000 for its sale - telling the tabloid, “It appears to be from the 1990s, right before Angelina - then in her 20s - was breaking out in films like Gia and Girl, Interrupted, which won her an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress.

“The key part of the tape is Angelina doing heroin. She says, ‘Wow, this is really good smack - not that cheap crap that’s been stepped on.’ Angelina is seen sniffing white lines from a plate, and then as the drug cooks on tinfoil, she deeply sucks in its smoke through a tube.”

There is a lesson to be learned here. And that's if you are on the verge of international superstardom and someone points a camera at you while you are smoking illegal narcotics, to never vocally identify the heroin as such, because then you can pass it off as Lik-M-Aid through a hookah. Another lesson is to not smoke heroin on film, but that's secondary. The first lesson is the one you want to really take note of here. more »

What can we say about Scarlett Johansson's first music video? There are no bright colors to shock your not-fully-awake brain. Um, what else? She obviously made this song for a love of the music, because no one in their right mind would think it's going to be the next "Best of Both Worlds." The only time you could use the word "hit" in conjunction with the song is when you're talking about how your head hit the desk after you fell asleep from boredom. But, hey, for that one person out there whose biggest wish in life is to witness ScarJo's pre-photo-shoot makeup ritual, get out your best ceremonial dagger because your life is complete and it's finally hari kari time. Otherwise, there's not much to recommend, unless you have the stamina to make it all the way to the end, where you will be rewarded with Salman Rushdie nuzzling Scarlett's neck. Why? Because Norman Mailer is dead.



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For today's Sexy Lady Story, we're looking to something a bit unconventional. Sure, it involves the word "porno," internationally adored sexy person Isabella Rossellini, and hot, uncensored sex, which are all conventionally sexy things. But it also involves papier-mâché, wings, compound eyes, and the mastication of the male's head during copulation. For, you see, Isabella has made a series of short films where she dresses up like insects and schtups other insects. Sexy, right? Check out the Sundance Channel interview below to hear Isabella talk about her bug boinking and see a few clips, or catch some stills at Twitch Film. But don't blame us the next time you pop a boner watching a cockroach scurry across your bathroom floor.

We searched high and low today for a peter pleasing Sexy Lady Story, but the pickins they were slim. Sure, we could loosen our definition of celebrity a bit and post some pictures of some girl you've never heard of in a bikini, but that's just not our style. Instead, feast upon Maggie Gyllenhaal luring three pretty ladies into a big ol' bed with her. Of course, the camera gets a big slice of the bedroom door while Maggie's enjoying a couple of slices of furburger, but it's still sexy, right? Maggie and three girls? Pizza and wine? Cheesy softcore music? Sexy, no? Yeah, be would have liked to see some of Maggie's funbaggies too, as it's been quite a while, but she'll come around. One of these days we'll show up at our local arthouse theater to take in a moving tale of a spunky young coffee-shop worker who rises up against her sexiest employer and overthrows the patriarchy with sheer moxie. And nudity. You can't overthrow the patriarchy without nudity.