filed under: Vanessa Paradis

• Beyonce still not talking on the wedding rumors, but is she also gestating Hova Jr.? (Celebitchy)

• Eva Herzigova is definitely pregnant. You can tell because of the giant baby inside her belly. And the naked breasts, gravid with lactocity. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Also pregnant and half naked? Tori Spelling in a bikini. (Derek Hail)

• Sophie Monk: not pregnant, also in a bikini. We've closed that circle of preg nudity. Time to move on now. (F-listed)

• Naked WWE Divas will have you putting a chokehold on . . . the steering wheel in heavy traffic! Hahaha, what did you think we were going to say? "Your penis"? Actually, that would have been good too. (Cityrag)

• Rob Lowe's former employees made whoopie in his bed! (The Blemish)

• Celebs without makeup! LOL! Har de har! Oh, look at Kate Bosworth! Everyone! It's Kate Bosworth without makeup! Let's all point and laugh, because she looks totally, uh, actually she still looks perfect. (Daily Stab)

• Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis to finally tie the knot. Hopefully she can get on his dental plan now. (PopCrunch)

• Move over, crabs in Paris Hilton's pubes! Hilary Duff has a scorpion in her pants! Beat that! (Evil Beet)

• Is Maria Sharapova lobbing it into Camilla Belle? Oh, the intrigue! (Fatback)

• Toni Braxton is in the hospital. Unbreak her busted heart sac. (Allie Is Wired)

• Naomi Campbell got banned. Banned like 2 Live Crew. Banned like slap bracelets in 1994. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

• "Pink bra. Pink push-up bra. Uhhh . . . acid wash. Skirt that's . . . acid wash with ball-point pen. Uhhh . . . wig. Bad wig. Bad, brown wig. Ratty brown--" "Things Britney Spears wears!" Ding ding ding! You just won $25,000 Pyramid! (Egotastic!)

• Penny Kravitz? (Female First)

• What's in Scary Spice's upskirtish girl-folds? Is that underwear slipping away into her Murphy-soiled parts? A tampon string? Errant t.p. detritus? (Taxi Driver)

• Kate Moss wears sheer dress, shows what she's got up Top(Shop). (Drunken Stepfather)

• Paris Hilton is petitioning her fans to keep her out of jail. You should sign this petition to keep her in. Because if Bridget Jones 2 taught us anything, it's that jail is fun!(IDLYITW)

• We look at these pictures and imagine the sound Jessica Simpson's breasts were making as they were crammed, via shoehorn, into that dress. (Yeeeah!)

• Paris drove on a suspended license. Again. Yesterday. Seriously, go sign that petition. (D Listed)

• After a period of dark, self-imposed Timberlakian mourning, Cameron Diaz goes back to the blonde. (Cityrag)

• Enjoy a visit with Posh Spice v. 1.0. (ICYDK)

• Tom Sizemore, busted for meth. Just like your cousins Travis and Crystal Jean. (TMZ)

• Ashlee and Jessica do not suffer each other gladly. (A Socialite's Life)

• Depp's got two tickets to Paradis. Won't you pack your bags? We'll marry tonight. (Gabby Babble)

• OMG, Jenny Aniston is gonna go on Courteney Cox's show and they're gonna KISS!!! The girl-girl spit swap is the surefire ratings booster of our generation, finally overtaking the "let's introduce a precocious child character" move. Basically, yes, we're likening Jennifer Aniston to Cousin Oliver.

• Naomi Campbell pooh-poohs claims that she's involved with witchcraft. But her involvement with bitchcraft? Guilty as charged.

• Paris Hilton exits a courthouse in a chaste polo dress . . . and although she couldn't resist giving us a little upskirt action, even the panties were innocent white cotton. Way to dress for success.

• Tom Cruise continues his sartorial transformation of Katie Holmes from "fresh-faced ingenue" to "72-year-old Nan Kempner at the Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center Fundraising Gala". Also, her nose looks suspiciously Nicole-esque, suddenly.

• Jenna Jameson and Paris Hilton relieving losers of their virginity. Best reality show idea ever? Let's call it Skanky and the Geek.

• Cameron Diaz gets her post-Timberlakian groove back via a particularly flattering bikini. Feel the magic.

• Johnny Depp's babymama Vanessa Paradis: man, that's some kinda smile.

• Rachael Ray, always three steps behind the trends, attempts to ride Mel Gibson's/Kramer's coattails to racist remark fame and fortune; thinks Angelina Jolie is a "skanky, backdoor cunt". That's evil . . . or is it EVOO?

• Screw the haters, we still approve of luminescent Mandy Moore and nice Jewish boy DJ AM, especially when they are sucking face.

• Andy Dick chalks up the fact that people call him gay to everyone being jealous of him, and not him having sex with men.

• Kate Beckinsale says she'll never get plastic surgery. Despite the fact that her boobs were named the Ugliest in Hollywood.

• Madonna probably adopted a baby, for real this time, though. Toting around an African baby is the new Birkin bag!

• George Clooney says he'll never run for president because he's boffed too many ladies. Insert Clinton joke here, please.

• Amber Tamblyn's nip is Tumblyn out of her dress.

• Et tu, Rose McGowan?

• Finally, Johnny Depp to make an honest woman out of Vanessa Paradis! Hopefully she'll be able to get on his dental plan now.

• Lindsay Lohan says, "It's up to me and my mom to decide if I am partying too much." Ah, yes, nothing like that tender moment between mother and daughter, when Mom gently strokes Daughter's hair and says, "Beer BEFORE liquor, sweetheart. And coke before ecstasy. And Red Bull before semen."

• Dr. McDreamy gets McCreamed by McCastmate. We promise that's the only time you'll ever have to read the name "McDreamy" on these pages.