CelebNewsWire - The skinny. The scoop. The Hollywood poop. Wherever there is a nipple slip, we'll be there. If there's a party, you'll find us doing shots with Lindsay Lohan and upskirt flashing alongside Britney Spears. Wherever Paris Hilton is breaking the law, you'll see us. If there's a celebrity sex tape, we will find it. Nude stars, drunk stars, scandals, hookups, breakups? Let CelebNewsWire be your guide. Hold our hands. Come inside.
The Hollywood poop.
filed under: upskirt shots
June 12, 2009
The Most Popular Panties in Hollywood
Here we have AnnaLynne McCord, star of the new 90210 and woman of many capital letters, getting out of a car. That doesn't sound very exciting until you notice that her panties feature opaque black stripes over see-through, so it looks like her bologna folds are in jail. And heyyyy, aren't those the same underdrawers Emma Watson was wearing when she flashed her crotchola last April? They're kind of like those jerry-rigged tap shoes Lisa wore on the dancing episode of The Simpsons. Only instead of causing the wearer to tappa tappa tappa, the undies make the pappa pappa pappa snappa snappa snappa labial flappa flappa flappas. Whee!
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June 10, 2009
Lindsay Lohan Shows Snatch; Snatches Sam Back
We have not read The Rules or He's Just Not That Into You or The Game or Captain Underpants and the Wrath of the Wicked Wedgie Woman but we still know that traveling across an ocean to show up at a party your ex will be attending is bad form. However, maybe this bit of dating etiquette is null and void when it comes to bicurious celebrities and their volatile girl-girl relationships, because Lindsay Lohan jetted off to London last week to meet up with ex Samantha Ronson and would you just look what she Twittered Monday:
“Leaving London but but with my favorite favorite!!! - travel buddy & great news to share!! Maybe….”They left London together and Lindsay went straight to Sam's house with a diamond ring on her left hand. And speaking of things that fit nicely around a finger, after the cut, see what happened when Lilo was exiting a car in London, legs akimbo. NSFW. more »
April 14, 2009
CNW Junk Drawer: Pamela Anderson-Lee-Rock-Salomon-Padgett
• So they're saying Pamela Anderson is set to wed again. This time to scuba diver Jamie Padgett. Eighteenth time's a charm! (Yeeeah!)• Jamie Foxx wants Miley Cyrus to do heroin, smoke crack, make a sex tape, and get chlamydia from a bicycle seat. Uh, it was a tractor and my doctor said it totally can happen, thank you very much. (Pop on the Pop)
• Porn star Marilyn Chambers slips behind the green door of life and into the great beyond. RIP, lady. (Mr Skin)
• Angelina Jolie named Most Beautiful Woman by Vanity Fair. That's so fucking controversial, man! Can you even believe it? We're outraged! Outraged!!! (Celebitchy)
• Remember yesterday, when we posted pics of Jessica Simpson in a muumuu and said we liked the look? Well, we were right. Because now there are naked ass upskirt shots. Ka-BOOM. (Drunken Stepfather)
• Phil Spector: to know, know, know him is to love, love, love him. Unless you're Barbarian Queen Lana Clarkson. Then he kills you. (CelebWarship)
• Lindsay Lohan shows all the depth of your seventh grade production of Pecos Bill and Slue Foot Sue Meet the Dirty Dan gang in a new video for FunnyorDie. (DailyStab)
• Hey, look! Naked babes with strategically covered nipples in Allure! (The Blemish)
March 16, 2009
Britney Spears Loves Jesus—and Exposing Her Cooter
Generally stage moms/dads are desperate. If their kid isn't making it, they'll try anything that's working for other kids. Your kid lost a part to a little girl with curls? Off to the salon! Some ho with a wonky eye is making millions just showing up at parties? A good hard punch every week or so can make your kid look just like her! We think this is the approach Jamie Spears is taking. Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers are making a killing with their Jesus-y ways, and Britney used to pull in bank when she was all "I'm a virgin, yay God!" So naturally Jamie wants Brit to put in some face time with her neglected Bible. The gossip serpent in our Garden of Eden, FemaleFirst, reports: Britney Spears has been ordered to read the Bible for an hour a day.Those are all pretty good, responsible rules, Jamie, but didn't you forget one? Like, Britney may not leave the house unless her pussy is properly covered? Don't you think that might be an important one, considering our subject here? After the cut, see Britney Spears's pussy hanging out. Again. more »
The 'Womanizer' singer's father Jamie - who as co-conservator of her estate has full control of Britney's affairs - has issued the star with a string of rules to ensure she doesn't go off the rails on her 'The Circus Starring Britney Spears' tour.
A source said: "Jamie is determined nothing can go wrong with Britney's comeback. He's making sure she reads the Bible for at least an hour during her quiet time before she goes on stage and has banned her from using the internet. He is even monitoring what she eats by insisting on none of her beloved junk food on the rider.
"He's stopping her from leaving her hotel unless accompanied by a security guard and even though she gets on much better with her ex-husband, Kevin Federline, she isn't allowed to speak to him without Jamie or her manager there."
March 10, 2009
"I'm a Slaaaaave for . . . My Pussy's Hangin' Out"
Britney Spears using a working microphone in concert? Oh, that's rich. But apparently it happened. Two nights ago, the be-weaved one performed onstage in Tampa, Florida. After the final strains of "I'm a Slave 4 U", Brit was lowered down through a hole in a the stage, and, mic still on, make reference to her own lower hole, crowing, "My PUSSY is hanging out of the thing." Britney Spears performing, Britney Spears's pussy hanging out of various things, and the Steelers taking the Super Bowl. It's 2006 all over again! Pass the bird flu.UPDATE: Aw, nuts, they took the video down. We'll scour the web and find another version post haste.
UPDATE II: Success!
March 09, 2009
A Couple of Old Biddies Show off Their Junk
Upon rising this morning, chances are you cursed this whole "spring forward" bullshit, but then you turned to more important topics: like old memaws showing off their private areas. Because everyone knows there's no better cure to a stilted night of sleep than seeing a wrinkly nipple or a saggy labia. It's better than a triple espresso spiked with cocaine. After the cut, see Pam Anderson's exposed breast and Nicollette Sheridan's hanging labia.more »
March 04, 2009
Watchmen's Malin Akerman Makes Men Watch
Watchmen comes out on Friday and people are going completely ape. There's looting, riots, fires. People are out of their minds, screaming "Watchmen! Watchmen!", tearing their hair out by the handfuls. Although she's already been in the first Harold and Kumar movie and wore a merkin in The Heartbreak Kid, Malin Akerman will probably become a huge star thanks to Watchmen. Case in point: paparazzi are showing up at her appearances and hunkering down behind her car door to surreptitiously cram their lens up her ham hole. That's when you know you've made it: a Pentax in your poon and three mysterious, disembodied hands reaching towards you play offense.
P.S. Malin is naked in Watchmen. For real. No panties. No fingerblocking. Just pure, unadulterated, superass. No foolin'.
February 17, 2009
Unto You a Paris Is Born
On this day, in 1981 . . . magic happened. Kathy Hilton spread her legs, grunted, and shat unto this world a child. A child that would grow up to become the symbol of retarded excess, crooked eyeballs, night vision blow jobs, and wearing hair extensions in jail. That child is Paris Hilton, and today she is 27 years young! What would this website be without Paris? We'd be a lot less prolific. And we'd have fewer STDs. But what better way to celebrate such an auspicious day than with the lady of the hour giving us an upskirt shot? She's wearing underwear, coupled with baggy tights, giving her the appearance of having one shriveled testicle. But it's very apropos: saggy hose for a saggy ho. Happy birthday, Paris. In spite of our ribbing and jibes, we sincerely worship your flappy ass, girl.
November 20, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Rip Off Them Spanx
• Eva Longoria upskirts; shows off some sizzling shapewear from the Sears "Silver Fox" foundation garment collection. (Yeeeah!)• A plane carrying Winona Ryder was forced to make an emergency landing, presumably because she was all zorked out on goofballs. (Yeeeah!)
• Homoeroticism on the Twilight set. Rawr! (Hollywire)
• Despite her unending, ultra-desirable heat, Megan Fox is still planning to marry David Silver. (Daily Stab)
• Anne Hathaway has a new boyfriend, and he's apparently as big a loser moocher as the one that's in jail. (Anything Hollywood)
• Aw. Someone for everyone. (Holy Taco)
• Supermodel Karolina Kurkova has no navel. Like Kyle XY. (Flisted)
• Girl meets girl. Girl gets girl. Girl flirts with boy at club. Girl on girl catfight ensues. It's another day in the tangled, demi-gay web of Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson. (The Blemish)
• The top ten naked babes with guns. (Mr Skin)
• Spitzer prostitute Ashley Dupre is just like you and me, except for the money for sex part. (Fatback)
October 02, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Tell Me Hish Name, Doctor!
• You better vote! Or else Jessica Alba will devour your spleen. (Yeeeah!)• Christina Milian upskirt. No labes, plenty of moundage. (Bossip)
• Britney Spears visits elementary school; gently lays boob on 4th grader's arm. (Cityrag)
• Megan Fox describes herself as a "man with a vagina". (Daily Stab)
• Diora Baird in Maxim. Thanks for photoshopping those nipples out, Maxim. We almost got turned on there for a second. (Derek Hail)
• Heather Locklear's DUI arrest was maybe a frame job! Dun dun DUN! (Bitten and Bound)
• Top 10 sexiest Keeley Hazell videos of all time. (Unibrow)
• Veronica, why are you pulling my dick? ME, and Martha DUMPTRUCK? Because I can be. Get crucial, she was dialing suicide hotlines in her diapers. Holy shit, we'll CRUCIFY her! Shannen "Heather Duke" Doherty spreads her gams and holds a bottle of cider over her poon for Details. (Drunken Stepfather)
• Jessica Simpson gives good blow-up doll face. (Fatback)
September 10, 2008
Jennifer Aniston Blocks It All
In the 
September 04, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Harry Potter and the Underaged Bone
• Get a black snake bone. Look at Christina Ricci in a bikini. (The Blemish)• Keira Knightley was attacked by a wandering expletive-spewer and lived to tell the tale. (Yeeeah!)
• Being the concubine of Marilyn Manson, Evan Rachel Wood is used to standing next to undead ghouls, so she looks right at home beside Mickey Rourke. (CelebWarship)
• Hilary Swank will gain 30 pounds for a movie role. Which is cool because we also plan on gaining 30 pounds, basically because Totino's Pizza Rolls are on sale at Safeway. Solidarity! (Daily Stab)
• Ay oh! Oh ay! Whaddaya doin', Samanter? It's Alyssa Milano naked! (Mr. Skin)
• Another male has willingly placed his wango inside of Star Jones. (Holy Taco)
• Daniel Radcliffe admits when he was a teen, his magic wand found its way into a cougar's Hairy Pooter. (Derek Hail)
• Holly Madison take a carefree swing, and tosses out some beav. (Drunken Stepfather)
• Lacey Chabert gives us a party of two. (Fatback)
• Katie Holmes has the knees of a three dollar hooker. Or that girl Tammy who was voted "friendliest" in tenth grade. (Cityrag)
September 03, 2008
Hayden Panettiere Redefines "Cock-Blocking"*
Siblings of Britney Spears and daughters of vice presidential candidates take note: Hayden Panettiere endorses barrier methods of birth control. * Alternative TMZ-esque title: What's She Hayden Under There?
August 29, 2008
Gossip Girl Gots Gams
If we asked you to picture "wise men" in your mind, you'd think of a couple of gruff-voiced, aging gentlemen with comically long beards twirling a long staff in hand traveling across the land, perhaps with a camel in tow? Hey, you just described ZZ Top on tour. Minus the camel. And plus the Eliminator. These wise men once opined about a woman who got legs and knew precisely what to do with them. As it turns out, not only are Billy Gibbons and Dusty Hill wise, they are also prophets, since back in 1984, they had a vision of future star Blake Lively and the crotch-crushingly long, lean, and lovely pegs upon which she stands. With the lyric "She's got hair down to her fanny/She's kinda jet-set, try to undo her panties" they even had a vision of her flowing flaxen locks and the little upskirt underwear shot she shows here. All you need to do is get sharply dressed, put on a pair of cheap sunglasses, and serve her a TV dinner, and Blake will slip inside your sleepin' bag.
August 20, 2008
Kate Beckinsale Reenacts Upskirt for Fun
Kate Beckinsale best watch her mouth, lest everyone start viewing her as nothing more than a gaping, brunette vagina that occasionally acts in vampire films. Reports LiveNews (via Celebitchy):
Underworld actress Kate Beckinsale seems to have a fairly unhealthy obsession with her own vagina. After recently comparing her nether regions to the tomb of a pharaoh, without prompting, she has now spoken about her lack of knickers at a premiere – and wondering if paparazzi got any prized snaps of her downstairs area.Such is the power of Kate Beckinsale's baby hole. It turns men into puddles, cameras into speculums, her husband into that sarcastic bearded guy from CSI. more »
“It was one of those nights when I wore a supertight dress that you couldn’t have worn anything under, since it would have showed. The paparazzi were literally lowering their cameras like speculums when I got out of the car.
“On the way home, I said to my husband ‘Darling, I think they might have gotten it.’ And so when we pulled in I made him re-enact the thing with his camera - a sort of crime-scene run through. It appears I survived unscathed.”
July 01, 2008
Journey to the Center of Britney's Jungle
Ever look at a picture and want to break into song? Ever hum a few bars of "Da Butt" after perusing some pics of Kim Kardashian? Maybe catch those shots of Megan Fox's nipple stickers and feel like singing Kool and the Gang's "Celebration"? We can definitely relate. Yesterday evening we were fortunate enough to stop at DrunkenStepfather to take in a few pictures of our girl Britney Spears doing the upskirt thing. And lo, we stared into her wooded morass and spontanteously burst into a song from 5th grade recess:Down by the cherry tree
That's where she showed it to me
It was big and black
She had a hairy crack
And it looked like a jungle to me!
So I pulled out my hairy ba-na-na
And stuck it in her hairy crack
I heard her scream
So I filled her with cream
And then I got my ba-na-na back!
Cha cha cha!
June 05, 2008
Kate's Anatomy
Man, what an erotic day today is. It's so erotic! It's dripping with chocolate sauce and ice cubes and personal massagers and Sade records. And the rippling undercheeks of Grey's Anatomy actress Kate Walsh. Follow the bouncing cut and become one with the wind that blew up her skirt yesterday. more »
May 29, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Hopelessly Devoted to Food
• Britney might star in Grease on Broadway. Well, she's certainly got the "grease" part down. (Daily Stab)• Mischa Barton is refusing to promote her t.a.t.u. movie. Wonder why. (IDLYITW)
• Thank God for Lindsay Lohan's relationship with Samantha Ronson, for it keeps Michael Lohan in the news! (Yeeeah!)
• Scarlett Johansson. Naked in a pool. (Egotastic!)
• As Hilary Duff's veneers have shrunk, so has her rack inflated. It's magic! (Cityrag)
• Mariah Carey dons her most Mimi-est of rags to kick off Japanese baseball season. Man, what a weird sentence. (Drunken Stepfather)
• Pamela Anderson returns to form with the best upskirt she can muster. (Taxi Driver)
• Angelina and Brad let their children do whatever while they dunk their sleek, genetically superior forms nakedly into their pool. (The Blemish)
• Naomi Campbell to trade glamour for the slammer. (Celebitchy)
• Bill Murray's wife says he's a drunk and a stoner and a cheater and a beater. B-b-buh . . . but . . . he's the voice of Garfield! (PopCrunch)
May 22, 2008
Sharon's Got Stones
It's 1992 all over again today, as Sharon Stone spreads her golden gams and does a Basic Instinct redux. The only problem is that she's wearing flesh-colored panties. Or maybe that's not a problem at all. Maybe it's a blessing. Because it appears that Sharon has spontaneously grown a miniature ballbag. What's she cooking up underneath that taut scrotum of hers? Lady sperm? An alternate reality? The script for Diabolique 2? A cache of Sharon Stone Barbies pilfered from children stricken with AIDS?Come into my moose knuckle:
May 19, 2008
Lily Allen Covers up Her Bangers, Airs out Her Gash
At left we have a photograph of British pop star Lily Allen. So demure. So covered. So ladylike. But she's a smart girl; she knows what gets the attention of the press (and therefore what makes the kiddies buy records). So after the cut listen to Lily say, "F that Wino crackhead. I can do better than her." And by "do better than her," Lily means flash her furburger (with some actual fur on it!) in public. more »
May 07, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Megan Fox Gets Plump
• Megan Fox takes "next Angelina Jolie" title literally, gets lipplants. (ONTD)• Elisha Cuthbert stalks the sandy landscape in a bikini; cuddles muscular male; gets handsy with own buttocks. (Drunken Stepfather)
• Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon's wedding photos will be in People. And they talk about being "soul mates". Even though they've known each other for six weeks. (Celebitchy)
• What mysterious pull do these Maddens have? Lindsay Lohan was busted trying to pick up Joel (that's Nicole Richie's Madden, not Paris Hilton's Madden) at a club the other night. There's not enough Maddens to go around. (Yeeeah!)
• Angelina Jolie is reportedly going to have twin girls. They'll have their mother's looks and their father's . . . looks. They can't go wrong! (I Don't Like You In That Way)
• Amy Winehouse is slowly devolving from soulful songstress to drunken party girl to crackhead to missing link to ape. Photographic evidence exists. (Holy Taco)
• Uma Thurman's name begins with a "u". So does the word "upskirt". Aaaand that's the closest we cam come to a joke here. (I Don't Like You In That Way)
• In other Lohan news, she's still stealing clothing from her friends. Because when girls' daddies don't love them, the fill up their hearts with pilfered fur. (The Blemish)
• Blake Lively may play a high schooler on Gossip Girl, but that rack is alllll freshman year at a state U, baby. (Fatback)
• Jessica Simpson must, she must, she must increase her bust. (Cityrag)
• Post-birth, Halle has some Berry nice cleavage. We knew our childhood obsession with Strawberry Shortcake speak would come in handy some day! (Flisted)
April 21, 2008
Emma Watson Shows Her Chamber of Secrets
When normal, mortal girls turn eighteen, they get a nice party, a cake, maybe a car if they come from wealth, and the right to vote. When celebrities turn eighteen, they get their first upskirt beaver shot. After the cut, freshly legal Emma Watson, the Hermione Granger to Daniel Radcliffe's Harry Potter, shows some hairy pooter.more »
February 29, 2008
Paris Hilton Spreads It Like Mayo
The advantages to owning a humorous sport car that has vertically-open, winglike doors, a la Paris Hilton's: get to pretend you're Marty McFly without the Parkinsons. Disadvantages: exiting at nearly ground level offers passersby a trans-body view of your tonsils by way of your splayed legs and spread crotch. We'll call this one a toss-up.
February 28, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: The Dealie with Keeley
• Keeley Hazell makes Breast Actress, Mr. Skin makes The Sun. (The Sun)• Angelina's having a girl, and she's having her in France! Freedom birth! (I Don't Like You In That Way)
• Non, non! She is having deux bebes! Having zem in L'Etats-Unis! Oui oui oui! (FemaleFirst)
• Lohan dons crotch-strangling short shorts in February, because she is dedicated to her craft. The craft of being a saucy harlot. (Hollywood Tuna)
• Nicole Richie shows off her new baby. Quick, see the tiny cuteness before Rachel Zoe gives her gifts of Hoodia and hair extensions. (Celebitchy)
• Wisely realizing that her infamous recent nudie shots were the most popular thing she's ever done, Lindsay contemplates a future as a naked Marilyn Monroe impersonator. (Daily Stab)
• Kate Hudson coaxes butterscotch stallion Owen Wilson away from suicidal depression with a sugar cube, some carrots, and her vagina. (The Blemish)
• Lily Allen upskirts with cheeky results. (Taxi Driver)
• Now we know why Juliette Lewis has been wearing headbands all the time--they magically hold her nipples in. See what goes down when she goes without. (Drunken Stepfather)
• Awwww. Peter Andre soooo sweeeepy! Poor little guy's all tuckered out. (Seriously? OMG! WTF?)
• See where Megan Fox's tattooed ode to David Silver is located on her body. (Popoholic)
• Rachel Bilson owns underwear, and wants you to know all about it. (The Rad Report)
February 20, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Boozin' and Coozin'
• More oddly smooth Britney mons pubis. We're starting to think that maybe those are flesh-toned undies. Foiled! (Faded Youth)• But she still can't see her chitlins. (The Hollywood Gossip)
• The bottle came between Jake Gyllenhaal and Kirsten Dunst. The bottle, and her baby vampire fangs. (Yeeeah!)
• Denise Richards says that exploiting her children in a reality show is fine, because they said yes when she asked them if they wanted to be on TV. They're two and three. If you asked them if they wanted to have live jellyfish sewn to their faces, they'd say "Yaaaay!" (I'm Not Obsessed)
• J. Lo has checked in to the hospital! She will now proceed to birth a child from each of her buns. (PopCrunch)
• Hilary's Duff, in a bikini. (Egotastic)
• The Heidi Klum-Seal family, in a traveling version of Cats. (Derek Hail)
• Megan Fox Jacks it. (Fatback)
• Alba pulls a Lindsay and recreates old junk in photos. Only without the boobs, natch. (The Blemish)
• OMG, Nicole Richie and Joel Madden actually left the house! They're such horrible parents! Alert DCFS! (Celeb Warship)
February 19, 2008
Coochie Coochie Coo: Britney Flashes Again
We haven't typed the name "Britney" in five whole days, which is some sort of new record. Her absence has not gone unnoticed, but we were too busy gently tracing the outline of Lindsay Lohan's naked, speckled snoobs with a trembling, outstretched finger to care much. Besides, an invisible Britney is a mentally sound Britney. But yesterday, perhaps smarting from all the attention paid to Loho, Britney demurely exited a car on her way to a sushi bar, and dished out a smooth slice of her own hole-y mackerel. Yes, we made the sushi/vulva joke yesterday, but that joke's got legs, baby! See what's between Britney's after the semi-NSFW cut. more »
February 07, 2008
Britney Is Born Free, as Free as the Wind Blows
Like Richard Pryor circa 1981, Britney Spears is Bustin' Loose!!! Yesterday afternoon, she was relieved of her mental hospital duties and released onto an unsuspecting public. TMZ reported:
TMZ has learned UCLA doctors determined Britney did not pose the legal danger to herself or to others, such that they could continue to hold her against her will. As a result, she was released today and we're told she's already back home.And OK! magazine has a timeline of her first hours out, which includes such riveting Britney avocations as hanging around with/being chased by paparazzi, driving erratically, speaking in a fake Cockney accent, and checking into hotels. Oh, and flashing some reddish underdrawers in an upskirt fashion, as is her usual wont. Listen, I'm going to break the editorial "we" for a moment here, if that's OK with you guys. So this morning I sat down at the computer and read about today's goings-on and then said to myself, "Well, I guess I'm going to have to tackle Britney, eh?" Then it struck me: TACKLE BRITNEY. That's a terrific idea. That's what she needs. I will go to Los Angeles. I will stand outside of the Beverly Hills Hotel. When Britney lopes out, I will take advantage of her scrounging around the bottom of a box of Fiddle Faddle and I will tase the shit of of Adnan Ghalib, tackle Britney to the ground, smoosh a bunch of ground-up lithium and Lamictal into her foodhole, wash her face, put some pants on her and hand her a tampon. And then spike her. I win!
January 25, 2008
Tara Reid Does Some Very Tara Reidish Things
Tara Reid has been a tabloid whack-a-mole for quite a few years now. Just because she had some slipshod titwork done and she likes a highball or two in the evenings! Come on! Lohan plows through twelve pounds of blow and wraps her SUV around a tree and she gets to pork three Italian studs in 24 hours. Winehouse smokes crack on film and she gets nominated for five Grammies. Where's the logic here? In the real world, blonde ladies who get completely faced on shooters and flash their ham chutes get lauded as precious angels from heaven. We will not rest until we get justice for Tara! We will picket in the streets wearing enormous sandwich boards that depict Tara with her boob hanging out, a cartoon halo drawn over her head. We will write to Congress, and we will petition for OK! to write one of their pleasant fluff pieces about her. But instead of "Inside Connie Sellecca's Quaint Country Kitchen" it will be "Inside Tara Reid's Toilet" and they will feature the artfully splattered vomit on the walls (with ultra-luxe 120 proof alcohol content). Luv u, Tara.
January 21, 2008
Lindsay Lohan Sneaketh a Cheeketh
Lindsay Lohan has always been a trend-follower. We see that she's noted Britney's bloody fashion coup and, although she most likely admired the spectacle of a Texas Chainsaw Cooter as kicky accessory, we don't blame her for not wanting to go there right away. Like in 1989, when we had to ease our way into the acid-washed Palmetto capris with the zippers in the back via stonewash, and so Lindsay eases herself into a menstrual upskirt by doing the old "skirt tucked into panties" trick. True, she could have made it a little more couture by adding a trail of toilet paper or perhaps a jaunty skidmark or two, but hey, baby steps. Being a sartorial trailblazer takes balls. And cheeks.
more »
January 18, 2008
There Will Be Blood
Well, we really screwed over everybody yesterday. We made a joke about celebrity period stains. It was meant to be lighthearted, but apparently, saying anything about the menses of famous people is like invoking Beetlejuice, because look at what Britney hath wrought: (under the cut. and what happens when you get cut? . . . )
more »
January 08, 2008
Paris is LAX About Panties
This past weekend, Paris Hilton hit LAX (the club, not the airport) and, ever industrious, she made up for the lack of stripper pole by grabbing onto this string of what appear to be ball bearings and gyrating like a ninny. And now that Britney is incapacitated by screwballery, Paris has stepped up to the plate to take another swing at her previous position of America's Most Cunny-Flashing. Click past the cut and take a mystical spirit journey back to three years ago. more »
December 20, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: David Silver's Best Gal
• Megan Fox seems to have misplaced her shirt. We all win! (Egotastic!)• Brad Pitt thinks that orphans come from his anus. (Allie Is Wired)
• Britney's not the only one who enjoys mama's lollipops in front of Sean and JJ. Only Daddy's lollipops come in a pretty glass container and smell funny. (Yeeeah!)
• Fergie is coming clean about her dirtied drawers. (Cityrag)
• Ashley Tisdale's new nose gives you glad tidings. (Drunken Stepfather)
• Britney proves she owns undies. (Taxi Driver)
• Tony Parker is not just French, he's litigious. Doubly obnoxious! (Daily Stab)
• Tom Cruise's older children call Katie Holmes "Mom". They call Tom "Intergalactic Overlord Patriarchal Cyborg Unit #6599202B". (Celebitchy)
• Tara Reid sports a bikini. And what appears to be Ashton Kutcher's trucker hat from 2002. (The Blemish)
• Monica Bellucci has thingies. They're, like, round things. Kind of pinkish? They're a little bit below her collarbone. You know, whosiwhatsits. (Hollywood Tuna)
November 27, 2007
Paris and Nicole: Together Again, Upskirtally
Oh, Tinseltown! That bastion of glamour, intrigue, and sauciness! Your starlets forever looking for a way to one-up themselves and each other. First with the nip slips, then with the sex tapes, then came the Underoo-free upskirt gyno shot. Although we were positive that there was nowhere to go from there, Christina Aguilera came along and raised the bar for all of us with her "nothin' but pantyhose and my pregnant poon". So one would assume that Nicole Richie, once a tabloid staple now relegated to Sitz baths and prenatal massages, might attempt the same. After the cut, see what went down. Downtown.more »
November 21, 2007
A View Only Christina Aguilera's OB/GYN Has Enjoyed
Christina Aguilera, as a rule, is pretty good about straddling the line between charmingly tawdry and full-on ass-out indecency. Spackled Real Doll makeup and cleavage you could lose your keys in is always a go, but she's always stopped just short of reproductive organs. Dig, if you will, the picture to the left. Classic Aguilera: even heavily pregnant, she's still willing to give us a trowel full of clown paint and a sexy short dress. And look--she's wearing panties. OR IS SHE? Press the button that says "more" and all will be revealed. Literally. more »
November 20, 2007
Hayden's Panettieres: Again, For the Very First Time
Aw! Baby's First Upskirt is a pivotal point in every young starlet's life, but that first flash of Hayden Panettiere's biz was a little half-assed (half-crotched?), so thankfully, the three-apples-high Heroes star went to the Victoria's Secret fashion show and gave us another picture to tenderly paste next to the first in her scrapbook.
It's a lot like her first steps. On the maiden voyage on a person's two legs, there is plenty of stumbling, falling, and tripping. It's a graceless sight, but the second try is a little smoother and more self-assured. The same goes for the birth of the panty shot--Hayden's original upskirt was a touch gawky, a little unskilled; unsure. This second one is much smoother. Note the addition of flesh-toned underdrawers. Very mature. Our little girl is growing up so fast! The next thing you know, she'll be face down in the Hyde bathroom next to Ali Lohan, her skirt hiked above her buns, stubbly chunt pointed at the paparazzi's waiting lens. We feel like a proud parent sending their child off to first grade, only instead of a Dora the Explorer lunch box, she's just swinging around her box.
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October 11, 2007
Britney Serves Us a Salmon Sandwich
Britney's face says it all. Let's heave a huge, noisy sigh, click through to the cut, and acknowledge her slopbox again. more »
October 10, 2007
Gimme More: Britney Spears In Various States of Semi-Dress
Guess what happened? Guess! Just guess. Bet you can't guess. Bet you bet you bet you. Okay okay okay, we're so excited, we'll just go ahead and tell you! BRITNEY SPEARS DID SOME STUFF! At this point, writing a Britney Spears story is like writing a Choose Your Own Adventure or perhaps a Mad Lib.Britney Spears left (name of L.A. hotel) on (day of week), and proceeded to drag her (adjective) (body part) to (name of coffee chain) for a (noun)acchino. While exiting her (name of car), she spread her (body part) and flashed her (body part). Her weave looked (adverb) (adjective). That Britney, she's so (adjective)!
After the cut, we put our Mad Lib to use and show you Brit's various sundry naked squishy pieces. more »
October 08, 2007
Britney Makes Neighborhood Unsafe with Yet Another Upskirt Shot
Sometimes we feel like the prose version of a warren of paparazzi, because all we write is "Britney Britney? Britney Britney! Britney Britney Britney. Britney! Britney! Britney Britney." But unlike paparazzi, we dare not sport questionable goatees nor bleach-front legged jeans. And speaking of the paparazzi and Britney, she and her sister Jamie Lynn were caught reuniting over Starbucks while a lady yelled "You are making this neighborhood unsafe!" at them. Jamie Lynn then responded, "Then move the fuck out of the neighborhood" to jolly "huzzah"s from the paps.We're not sure who's got bigger nards: the young Disney star willing to say the F-word in post-Hudgens-nudes Hollywood, or the lady likening the sisters Spears to crack dealers and Latin Kings. So let's stop thinking about it and look at Britney's upskirt cooter again, after the cut. more »
October 05, 2007
Hayden Panettiere Is an Upskirt Hero
It was only a matter of time until something like this befell the nubile youth called Hayden Panettiere. Hands and purses make for fine labial blockage, but hands and purses cannot be everywhere all the time. There comes a day in every panty-covered crotch's life when it must shed the protective covering shielding it from the flashbulbs of the Pavarotti and emerge a beautiful butterfly from the warm and safe cocoon of modesty. Fly away, little vaginal butterfly! Spread your cotton-clad wings and fly, fly! more »
October 02, 2007
Sean and Jayden Free to Lead Weave-free Childhood
If you've ever wondered what was the lesser of two evils for a toddler's developing lungs: secondhand Marlboro Red smoke mixed with Dorito dust, or bong smoke, the answer is bong smoke. How do we know this? Yesterday, a California judge ruled Britney must hand over the brothers Federspears to K-Fed:
L.A. County Superior Court Judge Scott Gordon issued an order today stating that Kevin Federline, the boys' father, "is to retain physical custody of the minor children on Wednesday, October 3, 2007 at 12:00 PM until further order of the court."Most mothers in that situation would be bereft, disrupting the court with her plaintive wails of "No! No! Not my babies! Don't take my bay-hay-hay-hay-bieeees!" and possibly tossing them in the car to transport them across state lines rather than face a life without them. Britney, on the other hand, handed them over that instant (she had until tomorrow at noon!), headed to a tanning salon, and then checked into the Peninsula. This might seem cavalier, even a bit cold, but perhaps young Britney is trying to express her sorrow via metaphors. Handing the children over immediately is her way of saying, "Let's get this hurt over post haste", tanning equals coloring her skin dark, to match the way her soul feels, and she checked into the PENINSULA--Britney is trying to tell us that her heart is like a peninsula: solitary, surrounded by cold, deep, inpenetrable waters. Except we can't decide what she was trying to tell us with her naked ass flash. "My ex husband is like a literal ass"? "Being without my children makes me feel naked"? "I'm a dumb shit who never learns to wear underwear"? Yeah, that last one. more »
October 01, 2007
Cameron's Hamerons
We're not sure if this picture is old or not, but here are Cameron Diaz's lower chair cheeks. Judging by the jaunty way her skirt has been lifted, the male arm to the right the possible culprit, and the "oh, YOU!" look on Cam's face, we can assume that this was taken on Friday Flip-Up Day, right after they all had an assembly to hear Officer Friendly talk about Stranger Danger, but before they traded slap bracelets and made up a dance to Midnight Starr's "Freak-A-Zoid" on the freshly blacktopped playground area. The guy probably heard that Cameron had eaten some green M&Ms. Man, she was dyin' for it!
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September 26, 2007
Hayden Blocks Her Panettieres
With a last name like Panettiere, you'd think that Hayden would show some damn Panettieres once in a while. But no, the wee sprite of Heroes fame has consistently employed her hand as a poon guarder over the past week, crushing perverts' dreams to a sad, vagina-free dust.
Right now, Britney Spears is studying these pictures from all angles, turning them around and around and screwing up her face with forced concentration. "How did she hide her cooter, y'all?" Britney murmurs, her voice hushed with awe. "Hand . . . over . . . peebug? Purse? I don't get it." And she scratches her head like a quizzical monkey and sighs.
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September 20, 2007
Petra Nemcova's Dress: No Shoe Mirrors Necessary
Here's model Petra Nemcova at some event or another, gently spreading her legs a touch to unleash a gentle tsunami of upskirt panty action. Ho ho ho! Did you see what we did there, with the "tsunami"? See, because she was a victim of the 2004 tsunami. Get it? That's what's known as "provocative comedy". Like talking about AIDS and stuff. The kids love it! Sarah Silverman, eat your heart out!
September 12, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Fetuses and Weave Fits
• Mischa Barton becomes Mrs. Roper. (Derek Hail)• Joe Francis wants Vanessa Hudgens to sign a deal with Girls Gone Wild. "Lucrative and record-breaking Disney franchise, or cokehead in a jail cell?" Her mind must be a veritable cacophony of tumult right now! (WWTDD)
• Faulkner. Hemingway. Didion. Joyce. Tommy Lee. (IDLYITW)
• Jennifer Lopez fetuswatch 09/07 begins. (The Blemish)
• And speaking of fetuses, Posh Spice is starting to look like one after an hour of broasting in a cajun marinade. (Hollywood Tuna)
• Stacy's mom has got an upskirt goin' on. (Taxi Driver)
• We'd never seen a praying mantis that likes reverse cowgirl until we saw these pictures of Jenna Jameson's plastiface. (Evil Beet)
• Britney Spears does not suffer Ken Paves gladly, and a Ken Paves wielding faux hair never. (Celeb Warship)
• AND! She's a Brit . . . house. Forget the poon, THIS is quite a spread. (Allie Is Wired)
• Heath Ledger hits the party scene to celebrate his newfound single status, as well as the last clinging remains of his hair. (Celebrity Mound)
September 05, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Floatation Devices
• Pam Anderson as you've never seen her before: half naked and covered in frothy white liquid. No, wait, you've seen her like that plenty of times. (Hollywood Tuna)• Gwen Stefani is all "I call a foul! Hand-checking!" and then blows her whistle. (Yeeeah!)
• Maggie Gyllenhaal is part Stevie Nicks, part Vampira, part Norma Desmond in the new ads for Agent Provocateur. (I Don't Like You In That Way)
• Nicole Kidman cops to miscarriage and secret engagement. She should also cop to having red pubes. Admit it! Tell us the truth! (Allie Is Wired)
• Jude Law was arrested for assaulting a photographer. Oh, come on. Jude Law? He probably just gave the man a feeble, limp-wristed slap and then adjusted his foppish ascot. (The Blemish)
• Matt Dillon keeps unibrow; shaves down nose. (Cityrag)
• What's that up Paris Hilton's skirt? Is it a prize? Do we win a prize? Is it bigger than a breadbox? (Drunken Stepfather)
• And Maria Sharapova is like, "Upskirt? I'll show YOU upskirt. Fools." (Taxi Driver)
• Spiderman takes a bride. (Celebitchy)
• Jerry Lewis talks about a bundle of sticks. That's what he's talking about, right? (GlossLip)
• Hate your ears? Then check out these new Britney Spears "songs"! (Derek Hail)
• Drew Barrymore makes out with the Macintosh Man. Man, that's like Cameron Diaz necking with a Geico caveman. Or Penelope Cruz hitting the sheets with the "Dude, you're gettin' a Dell" guy. (Yes, we realize that Justin Long has done other crap besides these commercials, so cool out, man) (ONTD)
August 08, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: All Upskirts and Boobs Edition
• Robert Rodriguez is awfully proud of dating Rose McGowan's nipples. (Hollywood Tuna)• Still puttin' the "ghey" in "McConaughey", Matty M is laying some serious pipe in those Old Navy cargo shorts. (Allie Is Wired)
• Charlize Theron ain't gonna let a little thing like her beans get in the way of donning a bikini. (The Blemish)
• Gwen Stefani is afraid that her son is going to bite her tits clean off. (FemaleFirst)
• Britney sideswiped some dude's car, and then popped a squat to survey the damage. But the real damage is her to'-up upskirt view. Ooooh, high five, girlfriends! So bitchy! (Drunken Stepfather)
• If that ain't enough for you, here's some Britney pantaloons. (Cityrag)
• The beautiful Lauryn Hill is bringing Skidz back, at long last! (Socialite's Life)
• Denise Richards and Chuckles Sheen: still in hate. Story now with 100% more semen. (Celebitchy)
• Mischa Barton (remember her?) dyes hair; eats food. (Celeb Warship)
• Eva Herzigova shows what's Herzigunda her dress. (Taxi Driver)
August 07, 2007
The Crotchulosity of Jessica Biel
Yeah, so here's Jessica Biel filming scenes for her new movie, Powder Blue. Though with her jaunty pigtail, scamplike sack dress/orphan-style T-shirt, and rakishly impish oversized socks with no shoes, she may as well be filming Punky Brewster: The Movie. Or a 2007 version Pippi Longstocking. Instead of a stapler and a stack of papers, she should be holding a horse and Mr. Nilsson. Or a penis. Because she's making with the sexy underwear crotch shot, see.
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August 01, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: "Nasty Old Rag"
• Nasty old rag Kate Moss might have to pay off ex Pete Doherty to shut him up. Ah, the perils of cracky love. (Celeb Warship)• Paris just a hair(less) away from her 'tang-flashing halcyon days. (Drunken Stepfather)
• Nomi Malone, in a bikini, poolside. Hopefully, after these pictures were taken, she doffed those espadrilles, hopped in the pool with that guy, and recreated the Showgirls floppin'-like-beached-salmon scene. (Hollywood Tuna)
• Paris Hilton has not been cut out of the Hilton will, as we recently reported. Bah, life is so ugly and unfair. (IDontLikeYouInThatWay)
• Courtney Love gets bedazzled. (Celebrity Puke)
• Michael Lohan is such a great dad. He doesn't even know the name of Lindsay's new movie. (In Touch)
• Kirsten Dunst is too drunk for America, but too noisy for England. (A Socialite's Life)
• Hayden Panettiere picks n' licks. (Derek Hail)
July 18, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Benatard
• Hilary Duff knows that love is a battlefield and hell is for children; dons Benatar pants to prove it. (Hollywood Tuna)• Bridget Moynahan is such a bitch, getting pregnant when she did so the baby's due date coincided with her then-boyfriend's future Brazilian supermodel girlfriend's birthday. How dare she? How dare she? (The Blemish)
• Kelly Clarkson snacks upon weed cookies. (Cityrag)
• Scary Spice is set to marry her new boyfriend, who has a "much bigger cock" than Eddie Murphy. Yeah, but IS he a much bigger cock than Eddie Murphy? Ho ho, we thought not. Wait, what? (Bossip)
• Being pregnant totally grossed out Jaime Pressly. Awesome, because her naming her son "Dezi" totally grossed us out. And now we're even. (Celebitchy)
• Dave Chappelle was hospitalized for "exhaustion". Because sitting on comically giant piles of money and not making any new shows really takes it out of a guy. (Bricks and Stones)
• Jon Lovitz wiped up a bar with Andy Dick's stupid face. We Lovitz! (Derek Hail)
• Winona Ryder blames shoplifting on drugs. Which would also explain her sexual coupling with Dave Pirner. (Celeb Warship)
• Kimberly Stewart's butt cheeks. That's right. Kimberly Stewart's butt cheeks. (Daily Stab)
May 31, 2007
Beyoncé Challenges Our Preconceived Upskirt Notions
Can we get philosophical with you for a minute? OK, so is it technically considered an upskirt shot IF the outfit consists of some sort of obvious costumery including Spanx-like underpants what match the outfit? And said costume is meant to be worn during a performance that will certainly include all manner of gyrating, undulation, and shimmying, surely leading to a flash of the performer's regions beneath? It's kind of like the idea of "malice aforethought". Or in this case, "phallus aforethought", because that's some seriously substantial vulva Beyoncé's got compacted down into her shiny panties. After the cut. more »
May 22, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Burp Rags
• Rachel McAdams pulls a Beyoncé; might just be 63. (IMDb/WENN)• Janice Dickinson's high contrast upskirt gristle mitt. Believe it. (Taxi Driver)
• Scary Spice spent several hundred dollars on rags to belch upon. Stars, just like us, etc. (MSNBC)
• Pam Anderson in a bikini, careening willy-nilly towards Mamie Van Doren territory. (Derek Hail)
• Britney wears bikini, old man fedora. Your penis won't know whether to pop a boner or do the Lindy Hop while sucking down a Tom Collins. We suggest both! (Hollywood Tuna)
• Play volleyball with Eva Longoria's butt! No, wait, we mean Eva Longoria's butt plays volleyball. (I Don't Like You In That Way)
• Oprah's dad is writing a tell-all about her, and she sadly states, “The last person in the world to be doing a book about me is Vernon Winfrey. The last person.” That's weird. The last person we'd expect to be doing a book about Oprah Winfrey is Jesse Camp. Or maybe Bruce Boxleitner. Or Lionel Bart. Because not only was he a composer, not a writer, he is dead. (Yeeeah!)
May 21, 2007
Dita Airs Her Meat-a
To the left: Dita Von Teese managing to exit a car without falling prey to the gynecological scourge that's been befalling starlets for the past couple of years. After the cut, see into Evan Rachel Wood's future . . . see into the flesh wallet that used to house Marilyn Manson's gothic death lance. Spoo-oo-ooky! more »
May 16, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Wonderjocks
• If a Denise Richards and Richie Sambora break up in the woods and no one is there to care, do they make a sound? (TMZ)• Avril Lavigne, topless. He was a sk8tr b0i, I said see my taters, boy. (Yeeeah!)
• Mary Kate Olsen slips rib. (Hollywood Tuna)
• Justin Timberlake flew Jessica Biel and her first-class ass to England for tea and beans on toast. No, for canoodling. Canoodling. (Drunken Stepfather)
• Ewan MacGregor wears junk-enhancing briefs. Are they 18 hour? Do they lift and separate? (I Don't Like You In That Way)
• Teri Hatcher has leopard-spotted pubic hair! Or underwear, whatever. (Taxi Driver)
• Is Vanessa Minnillo humping Nick Lachey's butt in the pool? Because it really looks like Vanessa Minnillo is humping Nick Lachey's butt in the pool. (Derek Hail)
• Britney Spears hates her mom and did not call her or visit her on Mother's Day, when said mom was in the hospital with pneumonia. Then she tear-gassed an orphanage and crapped on a veteran's memorial. (Glosslip)
• David Faustino got busted for weed possession for the most convenient headline ever. (Celebitchy)
May 09, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Wiggin' Out
• "Pink bra. Pink push-up bra. Uhhh . . . acid wash. Skirt that's . . . acid wash with ball-point pen. Uhhh . . . wig. Bad wig. Bad, brown wig. Ratty brown--" "Things Britney Spears wears!" Ding ding ding! You just won $25,000 Pyramid! (Egotastic!)• Penny Kravitz? (Female First)
• What's in Scary Spice's upskirtish girl-folds? Is that underwear slipping away into her Murphy-soiled parts? A tampon string? Errant t.p. detritus? (Taxi Driver)
• Kate Moss wears sheer dress, shows what she's got up Top(Shop). (Drunken Stepfather)
• Paris Hilton is petitioning her fans to keep her out of jail. You should sign this petition to keep her in. Because if Bridget Jones 2 taught us anything, it's that jail is fun!(IDLYITW)
• We look at these pictures and imagine the sound Jessica Simpson's breasts were making as they were crammed, via shoehorn, into that dress. (Yeeeah!)
• Paris drove on a suspended license. Again. Yesterday. Seriously, go sign that petition. (D Listed)
• After a period of dark, self-imposed Timberlakian mourning, Cameron Diaz goes back to the blonde. (Cityrag)
• Enjoy a visit with Posh Spice v. 1.0. (ICYDK)
• Tom Sizemore, busted for meth. Just like your cousins Travis and Crystal Jean. (TMZ)
• Ashlee and Jessica do not suffer each other gladly. (A Socialite's Life)
• Depp's got two tickets to Paradis. Won't you pack your bags? We'll marry tonight. (Gabby Babble)
May 07, 2007
Paris Hilton Sentenced to 45 Days in Jail; Celebrates with Upskirt Shot
By now you know that Paris Hilton was sentenced to serve forty-five days in the clink for violating the terms of her DUI and driving on her suspended license. She's scheduled to begin her sentence on June 5th. Some folks would take the opportunity to spend time with loved ones, some would attempt an appeal, some would flee the country. Paris celebrated the only way she knows how, by allowing a gentle breeze to hold her dress aloft, brandishing her cotton-clad crotch as if it was a defiant middle finger waving at the justice system. Off the pigs!After the cut, SEE more panties, HEAR about Paris's rep quitting, and LEARN who else had a run-in with the law this weekend. It's a multimedia adventure, like Dora the Explorer's Piñata Party. more »
May 03, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Powderpants
• Kate Bosworth takes off her bikini just long enough to slip a bit of nip. (Egotastic!)• John Voight finds his daughter "fascinating" and "attractive". And "stunning". If Papa Joe Simpson ever gets out of the daughter managing/ogling game, he might have a worthy replacement. (GlossLip)
• Sienna Miller slips both nip and panty waistband in the same outfit. Now that's multitasking. Slutty multitasking! (Drunken Stepfather)
• Busta Rhymes got Busta-ed. What a hilarious play on words! (Yeeeah!)
• Vanessa Minnillo shills for Bongo jeans. Bongo's still around? What's next, Jessica Alba for Palmetto and Mischa Barton for Camp Beverly Hills? Anyway, cleavage. (Derek Hail)
• Eva Mendes either showing a swath of upskirt panties, or she has a crotch that is a colorless, shadowless void. But which? (Taxi Driver)
• Kate Moss turns up with white powder on her pants. We dunno, Kate is pretty much a pro at blowing rails--it's hard to believe she'd let some go to waste hanging out on her Tsubis. (The Blemish)
• Scary Spice is taking Norbit to court, cuz she's mad at him, haaaay. (TMZ.com)
• Carmen Electra: in Soviet Russia, booty short and yarn bra wear YOU! (Cityrag)
April 20, 2007
Mischa Barton Lippage Slippage
Hey, Mischa Barton, star of screens large and small and shucker of Keds. Just wanted to say thanks for the lip slip (pics after the cut!). Much more interesting than your usual garden variety, whitebread nip slip, yet somehow classier than the full on panty-free cavity flash. However, although the soft womanly fold beckons us from alongside her pantaloons, we immediately flash to this, and we picture that swath of femininity being hammered, over and over, by the pendulum-like swing of the stretched-out bubble gum of Mr. Adler's cannonballs. And we weep for what could have been. more »
March 21, 2007
Scarlett, Rose, Nicky, and Janice Put in Qualifying Bids for the Flash-a-Lympics
Did someone declare today official poons 'n' pontoons day and forget to tell us? Because in our morning search for our Sexy Lady Story, we were barraged with upskirts, side boobs, see-throughs, anything that's hot but doesn't constitute actual nudity. It's as if all of Hollywood saw Lindsay Lohan's brave reveal of hose-clad clam and partial yam in one day and said, "Damn bitch, I can top that. Get a load of this!" After the cut, get a gander at the ladies' best efforts. more »
March 20, 2007
Lohan Up to Old Tricks; Makes Mam and Clam Magically Appear
Safely tucked away behind the cut, you will find some pictures detailing Miss Lindy Loho's busy weekend. Busy letting her upper breastulatory deposits blast through a shirt, busy allowing her hose-encased privates to have a photo op. Sorry, Lindsay, old chum. You gave it the ole college try but even a double flash cannot trump a full public (not pubic) head shave. more »
February 23, 2007
Thai Actress Chotiros Suriyawong's Dress Is Criminal
To the left, you'll see lovely Thai actress Chotiros Suriyawong, AKA "Amy", at the Golden Swan awards, Thailand's version of the Oscars. Seems like they also have The Man in Thailand, because The Man wasn't amused by Chotiros's dress--as a result of donning the flimsy, stringy concoction, she's been sentenced to community service, fired from an upcoming film, reprimanded by the rector of her university.But the biggest head-scratcher in this whole incredibly curious tale is the fact that everyone is likening the offending frock to Elizabeth Hurley's infamous Versace:
When clearly--clearly--Chotiros was channeling Coco:
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February 21, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: "Never Killed a Pot Head"
• Stallone steroid scandal. Stallone steroid scandal. Stallone steroid scandal. Say it five times fast.• Tyra Banks recreates her iconic swimsuit issue cover shot. Too bad her face looks like she's dropping a log in her bikini bottoms.
• Gretchen Carlson finally lends credibility to FOX News with a liberal view of her panty-clad crotchial area. Did you catch that? Liberal! Haw haw?
• Brody Jenner is pissed that Details insinuated he was using Nicole Richie, but says it's all good because he has "broad shoulders". Wait, what?
• Watch in rapturous wonder as Jewel nearly drops a forkful of food down her cavernous chest chasm.
• Anna Nicole's death is a lot like her life: with a bunch of creepy men all fighting over her body.
• Speaking of Anna Nicole, her small, purple-haired, Broom Hilda lookalike tuff gal former assistant Kimmie speaks out, accusing Howard K. Stern of being an asshole!
• Or not.
• Michelle Rodriguez "never killed a pot head".
• Naomi Watts is likely preggo via Liev Schreiber, who ejaculated semen into her vagina.
February 16, 2007
The Wrath of Khan: Jemima's Upskirt Shot
Being benevolent and conscientious sorts, we enjoy keeping track of CelebNewsWire's stats. We enjoy seeing what stories are the most popular with our beloved readers and popular search phrases driving new visitors here. Some might saddle this with the stuffy title of "market research"; we like to call it caring. So we've noticed that, in the past month, a curious number of you have found your way here by searching the phrase "Jemima Khan upskirt." Curious because we never featured said Jemima Khan upskirt, and curious because Jemima Khan is only demi-famous, for being a wealthy person who attends charity functions, and for dorking Hugh Grant.So imagine our surprise and delight when we loaded up the old Apple IIe this morning to find a Jemima Khan upskirt sitting like a golden egg in our inbox. This could only be divine intervention. Thanks, Jesus! more »
February 06, 2007
No No No No Don't Phunk with Her Drawers
We don't normally put an upskirt shot behind a cut if panties are involved. However, if the panties are clinging to the underportions of Fergie, we can only assume that you'll end up spending the better part of the workday scrutinizing the nylon-clad crotch for telltale penile protuberances, so we feel compelled to minimize your chances of getting fired by secreting the shots in question behind a bloggy burkha. more »
February 05, 2007
Mischass Barton
Here are some pictures of Mischa Barton out and about this week donning The Olsen Blue Plate Special; i.e. tights and a shirt, no pants or skirt. Only Mischa pushed the envelope a touch further, eschewing underwear. We are blind followers when it comes to bold fashion so we wore the same outfit to a Superbowl party last night. Except we live in Chicago. And it was -7 last night. Yeah, this just doesn't look the same when you rock it with Cuddl Duds®. more »
February 02, 2007
Denise Richards Airs out Her Wild Thing
You see that picture right there of Denise Richards in a bikini? She's looking pretty sweet, right? Everything looks toned and in place, no flab to be seen anywhere. But, alas, appearances can be deceiving, as once Denise spreads her legs for a closer peek, her inner choas is revealed. more »
January 25, 2007
Katie Holmes Redefines the Upskirt--With Disappointing Results
Yesterday we referred to Katie Holmes as "72-year-old Nan Kempner at the Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center Fundraising Gala" due to her recent society matron makeover. Well, we might have underestimated the young whippersnapper, as later in the day she shocked Constance von Nosenslacks and Biddy Hortense and all the other ladies in the DAR with her flagrant display of leg! My word, the girl's got gams! And she's not ashamed of it! The nerve! more »
January 24, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: "A Skanky, Backdoor C*nt"
• OMG, Jenny Aniston is gonna go on Courteney Cox's show and they're gonna KISS!!! The girl-girl spit swap is the surefire ratings booster of our generation, finally overtaking the "let's introduce a precocious child character" move. Basically, yes, we're likening Jennifer Aniston to Cousin Oliver.• Naomi Campbell pooh-poohs claims that she's involved with witchcraft. But her involvement with bitchcraft? Guilty as charged.
• Paris Hilton exits a courthouse in a chaste polo dress . . . and although she couldn't resist giving us a little upskirt action, even the panties were innocent white cotton. Way to dress for success.
• Tom Cruise continues his sartorial transformation of Katie Holmes from "fresh-faced ingenue" to "72-year-old Nan Kempner at the Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center Fundraising Gala". Also, her nose looks suspiciously Nicole-esque, suddenly.
• Jenna Jameson and Paris Hilton relieving losers of their virginity. Best reality show idea ever? Let's call it Skanky and the Geek.
• Cameron Diaz gets her post-Timberlakian groove back via a particularly flattering bikini. Feel the magic.
• Johnny Depp's babymama Vanessa Paradis: man, that's some kinda smile.
• Rachael Ray, always three steps behind the trends, attempts to ride Mel Gibson's/Kramer's coattails to racist remark fame and fortune; thinks Angelina Jolie is a "skanky, backdoor cunt". That's evil . . . or is it EVOO?
• Screw the haters, we still approve of luminescent Mandy Moore and nice Jewish boy DJ AM, especially when they are sucking face.
December 28, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: "Animal"
• Diana Ross would like to give singing lessons to Mariah Carey and Christina Aguilera. We can only imagine how that would go. "No, honey, more nasal! I said MORE nasal! That's too classically perfect and on-pitch, girl; could you maybe get a slightly whinier tone there?"• James Brown died last week, and his wife, Rae Hynie, was immediately locked out of their home, as she's apparently not his "legal" wife. Funny story, but you know what's funnier? The name "Hynie". What's funnier than that? "Hynie-Brown".
• Kim Kardashian might have a sex tape. With Brandy's brother. Who calls himself "Ray-J Jawn". Talentless rich girl engaged in coitus on video with no-name dude attached to penis? Sounds like a recipe for superstardom!
• You will look at these pictures of Jessica Biel forming the camel toe in a bikini, and you will want to have sexual intercourse with her, but she would pick you up and smash you against her forehead and toss you, crumpled flat, in a pile.
• Paris Hilton calls Britney "Animal". Not because of her penchant for partying, but because of her red fur, proficiency at drumming, and tendency to shout "WO-MAN!"
• Pamela Anderson dresses up as Santa for the holidays. If Santa were a woman with staggeringly overstuffed fake breasts and flashed, panty-clad crotch. Which, we hear, is how he's usually depicted in traditional Norwegian folklore.
• Adam Brody muses on Bilson, Barton; gets munchies.
• Kylie Minogue. She sure does like to fuck.
• Mr. Skin raps to the Sun-Times about Salma Hayek's cans and Ali Larter's thong.
• Goddammit, Tara, you told us that you fixed that crap!
• Eva Longoria says that fame is like a hurricane. And that she'd like to maybe experience it someday, God willing. Hee hee hee hee hee.
• Christina Aguilera bought a shit ton of baby junk for Puffy Diddo's newly-minted twin girls. Hopefully included amongst the gifts were a couple of new names.
December 15, 2006
Britney Blah Blah Flash Blah Underwear Blah Blah B . . . zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
We are a lazy sort by nature, and therefore we welcome the whole celebrity flashing thingie with open arms. And legs. Instead of sitting with pencil thoughtfully tapping against our pursed lips, laboriously trying to mold a thrilling entry about Kate Winslet getting a Golden Globe nomination or Hugh Jackman taking his son to the circus, all we have to do is post some titty shots and our readers are sated. Click "more" and take a pictorial journey through the last 48 hours in the life of Britney Spears. What sort of magical adventures will you encounter after the cut? Hobbits with magic rings? Hunting in the Ozarks with your trusty hounds? Discovering a secret garden in a gloomy English estate? Labia? more »
December 13, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: "Partying Has Not Come In the Way of Her Parenting"
• Tricia Helfer will be ponying up some Battlestar Galactitties in Playboy next month.
• In the biggest horseshit story of the day, Jen Aniston supposedly partied with the K-Fed. We're trying to picture Jennifer in cornrows and man-shants. Not bad.
• Perhaps the reason Jen is slumming is because she caught wind of Angelina insinuating that she and Brad had boners for each other while the Pittistons were still involved?
• Eternal Sunshine of the Thetanless Alpha Clear? Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got, I'm just I'm just Jenny from Teegeeack of the Intergalactic Federation?
• Evel Knievel vs. Kanye West. Sadly, not a sneak peek of a new episode of Celebrity Boxing.
• Paris is defending Britney's questionable parenting skills, saying, "She goes home every night to her babies and partying has not come in the way of her parenting." Seriously, duh! She goes out and shows her slopbox and does body shots and THEN she goes home at 4 A.M. to play with the babies. No biggie!
• Adriana Lima and the Case of the Bikinified Virgin.
• Take your key and unlock Jordan's heart, and her vagina, conveniently located next door to one another.
• Sylvester Stallotox takes the blame for starting that whole Richard Gere-assgerbil rumor. Guess we know who to point the finger at for that whole "Danny Wood semen stomach pump" thing.
• In the biggest horseshit story of the day, Jen Aniston supposedly partied with the K-Fed. We're trying to picture Jennifer in cornrows and man-shants. Not bad.
• Perhaps the reason Jen is slumming is because she caught wind of Angelina insinuating that she and Brad had boners for each other while the Pittistons were still involved?
• Eternal Sunshine of the Thetanless Alpha Clear? Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got, I'm just I'm just Jenny from Teegeeack of the Intergalactic Federation?
• Evel Knievel vs. Kanye West. Sadly, not a sneak peek of a new episode of Celebrity Boxing.
• Paris is defending Britney's questionable parenting skills, saying, "She goes home every night to her babies and partying has not come in the way of her parenting." Seriously, duh! She goes out and shows her slopbox and does body shots and THEN she goes home at 4 A.M. to play with the babies. No biggie!
• Adriana Lima and the Case of the Bikinified Virgin.
• Take your key and unlock Jordan's heart, and her vagina, conveniently located next door to one another.
• Sylvester Stallotox takes the blame for starting that whole Richard Gere-assgerbil rumor. Guess we know who to point the finger at for that whole "Danny Wood semen stomach pump" thing.
December 08, 2006
Chew on This: Britney's Vagina! By Camille Paglia and Bette Midler
It has been nigh on a week and a half since Britney Spears eschewed underdrawers and, with Paris Hilton cackling fiendishly at her side, let the deafening thunder of her furless vulva roll throughout the land, toppling buildings and crushing victims under its vaginal rubble. And like other disasters both natural and waxed, various sundry talking heads are weighing in on its impact. After the cut, feminist social critic Camille Paglia and Beaches star Bette Midler join Paris Hilton's vag waxer by weighing in on what, precisely, this means for the country at large (psssst, ladies! It means more material to add to the spank bank of males aged 11-72!). more »
December 07, 2006
Cultural Commentary from Paris Hilton's Bikini Waxer
The sudden and inescapable onslaught of hairless cooters in the media has elevated the occupation of Bikini Waxer from the mundane (and slightly icky) to the exalted. Under the cut, Paris Hilton's personal vaginal groomer waxes (ahahahaha) poetic about the joys of Captain Picard puss. more »
December 04, 2006
Britney Spears Panty Party! Britney Spears Panty Party!
Britney Spears celebrated her 25th (old hag!) birthday on Saturday the only way she knows how--by wearing a shirt as a dress. And airing out her modesty. Only this time she was covered by a pair of gossamer pantaloons, possibly the very same that she purchased the other day:
Ah, what a difference a week or so makes. If this were November 23rd and you saw that picture, you'd call your coworkers over to ogle the photo, talking about the myriad ways you would "hit" "that" and what have you, and speculating on what lurked beneath the lacy undertrimmings. Now you look at the picture and think, "C-section scar. C-section scar. C-section scar. C-section scar. C-section scar." more »
December 01, 2006
Pink Misses Opportunity To Display Her Pink
For the fourth day this week we bring you a blonde pop star donning a tiny little skirt and spreading her legs wide for the camera as she exits an automobile. But whereas Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday brought us up-close looks at Britney Spears's shorn snatch and C-section scar, Friday brings a more demure look, with Pink covering up her cootch with two whole layers of fabric. God, Pink, you're such a prude. more »
November 29, 2006
She's a Slave 4 Cooze
Ah, we get it. Britney saw The Break-Up and was inspired by Jennifer Aniston's celluloid move of waxing off her nether wig to tantalize her ex.Yes, indeedy! Show off your bald beav to throngs of strangers. That'll teach the Fed not to treat you like an ATM with an oft-full womb! Boy oh boy, you are learnin' him but good!
You know the drill by now. Cut, click, panty hamster. more »
November 28, 2006
Oops! . . . I Flashed It Again. And Again. And Again.
Hey, readers. Hey. How's it going? Great, great.Friends, we are certain that you are asking yourselves why we just put that picture of Paris and her minion Spears--in a fully see-through shirt--on our front page when it is generally our policy to keep the pinkish bits confined to after cuts (see how we care about you and don't want you to get fired?). The answer is simple--this is the most demure picture we have of Britney Spears today. For real. Within the last twenty-four hours she has shed the last of her inhibitions and undergarments, and after the storied very NSFW cut, you will take a mystical journey to the very core of Britney Spears, so grab your lighted mining helmet, grappling hook, and a light snack--it might take a while for you to find your way back out. more »
November 27, 2006
Brit's Ladymitt? Kinda.
Man. We go away for a holiday weekend and SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED that we are finding it next to impossible to keep up. No, we're not talking about Heidi Klum discharging Sealbaby 2 from her womb or Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams procuring a marriage license, nor are we referring to Michael Richards apologizing to various sundry members of the African-American community. We're talking about the important stuff; namely, Britney Spears becoming LYLAS 4-EVA BFFs with Paris Hilton, and appropriately adjusting her wardrobe to reflect said status.
To see what happens after Britney moves that charming Playboy purse to her right, turn the page. more »
To see what happens after Britney moves that charming Playboy purse to her right, turn the page. more »
November 21, 2006
Panty Party with Paris
Paris Hilton recently attended Jay-Z's concert in Las Vegas and apparently, she misheard his lyric "no panties and jeans, that's so necessary" as "no panties and jeans, that's unnecessary."
Which is very unlike Paris, but still, even with her crotch safely tucked inside its satiny blue prison, at least she took the "H to the izzo" part straight to heart. more »
Which is very unlike Paris, but still, even with her crotch safely tucked inside its satiny blue prison, at least she took the "H to the izzo" part straight to heart. more »
November 17, 2006
Lindsay Lohan: Scars N' Snatch
Before yesterday's "GQ Obsession" post, we went for six cold, long, and empty days with nary a mention of The Lohan. What was she doing for those six days? Needlepoint? Dawson's Creek marathon? Diana Ross's son? As it turns out, she might have been CUTTING. Or maybe "cunting" would be more appropriate. After the cu(n)t, scars and more fiery crotch! more »
November 15, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: "I Am In the Process of Putting on Weight, and That Should Be Enough"
• Oprah was not invited to Tom and K-Hole's wedding, but she is trying to figure out what to send them as a gift. Duh! A couch.
• Bigger news than Santa arriving at the lighting of the Macy's Christmas tree: Victoria's Secret supermodels getting on their boob-shaped spacecraft and arriving on Earth after their long journey from Planet Jiggle.
• Madonna wants to buy another baby as soon as possible. Perhaps it will be a Christmas gift for the other one.
• Sure, Vida Guerra has a gargantuan tail. But did you know that she has boobs, too?
• Nicole Richie has responded to PageSix's insinuation that SOMEONE had reverse gastric bypass in her MySpace blog. The lady doth protest too much.
• Is Kirsten Dunst sinking her vampiric meth mouth baby teeth into rodentlike eunuch Orlando Bloom? And will their hypothetical babies be weaselly nutless bloodsuckers?
• Paris Hilton's ass looks less flapjacky from the back. But don't they all, really? When it comes right down to it, aren't they all less flapjacky from the back? Deep.
• Jenny Love Hewitt might be all chaste and crap, but she will still wear a small strip of fabric nestled lovingly betwixt her buttocks.
• Lesbian Week continues: Joan Jett and Carmen Electra love rock n' roll. Joan mighta put another dime in Carmen's juicebox, baby.
• No, as a matter of fact, we haven't actually seen Ron Jeremy and Super Mario in the same room together. Luigi, though, sure.
• Bigger news than Santa arriving at the lighting of the Macy's Christmas tree: Victoria's Secret supermodels getting on their boob-shaped spacecraft and arriving on Earth after their long journey from Planet Jiggle.
• Madonna wants to buy another baby as soon as possible. Perhaps it will be a Christmas gift for the other one.
• Sure, Vida Guerra has a gargantuan tail. But did you know that she has boobs, too?
• Nicole Richie has responded to PageSix's insinuation that SOMEONE had reverse gastric bypass in her MySpace blog. The lady doth protest too much.
• Is Kirsten Dunst sinking her vampiric meth mouth baby teeth into rodentlike eunuch Orlando Bloom? And will their hypothetical babies be weaselly nutless bloodsuckers?
• Paris Hilton's ass looks less flapjacky from the back. But don't they all, really? When it comes right down to it, aren't they all less flapjacky from the back? Deep.
• Jenny Love Hewitt might be all chaste and crap, but she will still wear a small strip of fabric nestled lovingly betwixt her buttocks.
• Lesbian Week continues: Joan Jett and Carmen Electra love rock n' roll. Joan mighta put another dime in Carmen's juicebox, baby.
• No, as a matter of fact, we haven't actually seen Ron Jeremy and Super Mario in the same room together. Luigi, though, sure.
November 10, 2006
Kim Cattrall Signs Books; Shows Boosh
October 27, 2006
P4nti Grrl
After a recent, boozulous night out, Avril Lavigne could be found in the back of her car, furiously texting:
C MY UND-E'S
Well, yes. more »
C MY UND-E'S
Well, yes. more »
October 23, 2006
Nicole Richie Shocker: Ass Fat
We've all had ample warning that Paris Hilton is capable of spreading many undesirable things to her friends and enemies (i.e., herpes, excessive stupidity, saying that's hot) but apparently she also possesses contagious assflaps. Exhibit A:
more »
more »
October 17, 2006
Mischa Butt-on
October 03, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: Drop Knowledge, Not Bombs
• George Michael says, "I don't have a drug problem!" Aside from being arrested after falling asleep in his car at an intersection. For the second time. In eight months.
• Avril Lavigne apologizes for hawking loogs on the Pavarotti, stating that she'd never spit on her fans. No, she'll just flip them off and cuss them out.
• Well, Jordan's obviously got her cell phone on "vibrate".
• There's another warrant out for Bobby Brown's arrest--he owes two months' worth of back child support, totalling $11,000. Oh please, they can't expect Bobby Brown to scrape up that kinda scratch these days.
• Mischa Barton's shirt says "Drop knowledge, not bombs". But what she's really dropping is a big ole doo log of an outfit.
• Carmen Electra poses for some nice "F U, Dave" shots.
• The "Marie Antoinette Association" of France are hopping mad about Kirsten Dunst's portrayal of the queen in Sofia Coppola's new film, helpfully titled Marie Antoinette. A spokesperson for the association hisses, "I've seen the trailer for the film on the internet. It is a fright. We've spent years trying to convince people that the queen was not just a libertine who told the starving to eat cake. What do you see on the trailer? You see Marie Antoinette eating cake. You see her lying naked on a chaise longue. I fear the film is going to set us back many years." God, just think of all the advancements these people have made by dressing up in powdered wigs and sending out mimeographed newsletters . . . down the drain! All those hours spent planning historical reenactment dinners--wasted! And just wait until people see the movie and actually believe that Marie Antoinette was a fang-toothed California blonde who listened to New Order! It'll be anarchy! Civil war! Innocents will be slaughtered! Pestilence will sweep the land! Sacre bleu!
• Avril Lavigne apologizes for hawking loogs on the Pavarotti, stating that she'd never spit on her fans. No, she'll just flip them off and cuss them out.
• Well, Jordan's obviously got her cell phone on "vibrate".
• There's another warrant out for Bobby Brown's arrest--he owes two months' worth of back child support, totalling $11,000. Oh please, they can't expect Bobby Brown to scrape up that kinda scratch these days.
• Mischa Barton's shirt says "Drop knowledge, not bombs". But what she's really dropping is a big ole doo log of an outfit.
• Carmen Electra poses for some nice "F U, Dave" shots.
• The "Marie Antoinette Association" of France are hopping mad about Kirsten Dunst's portrayal of the queen in Sofia Coppola's new film, helpfully titled Marie Antoinette. A spokesperson for the association hisses, "I've seen the trailer for the film on the internet. It is a fright. We've spent years trying to convince people that the queen was not just a libertine who told the starving to eat cake. What do you see on the trailer? You see Marie Antoinette eating cake. You see her lying naked on a chaise longue. I fear the film is going to set us back many years." God, just think of all the advancements these people have made by dressing up in powdered wigs and sending out mimeographed newsletters . . . down the drain! All those hours spent planning historical reenactment dinners--wasted! And just wait until people see the movie and actually believe that Marie Antoinette was a fang-toothed California blonde who listened to New Order! It'll be anarchy! Civil war! Innocents will be slaughtered! Pestilence will sweep the land! Sacre bleu!
September 13, 2006
The Lindsay Lohan Lightning Round
Lindsay Lohan is one busy beaver lately, and we're not just talking about all that gash she's been flashing. Today must be official Lindsay saturation day, as she's coming at us from all sides. She's secretly married! No, she and Harry are broken up! She finally wears panties! But she forgets her pants! And Jane Fonda wants to cradle Lindsay in her nurturing bosom until Lindsay can learn to be a freakin' grown-up already. more »
CNW Junk Drawer: You Look Much Better with Your Clothes On
• Yes, you've seen Kate Moss in her underwear before. But that's not going to stop you from looking again.
• David Hasselhoff says that he, like, totally could have done Princess Di if he wanted to, and that they flirted once. She said "You look much better with your clothes on," and then the Hoff replied, "Well Ma'am, so do you." That . . . doesn't . . . make any sense.
• For all yougymnast (we're quite dumb) figure skater-loving old dudes: Katarina Witt upskirt!
• When Britney and Christina kissed Madonna at the MTV awards lo, so many years ago, Christina suggested that she and Britney lock lips, but Brit declined, because she's incredibly classy and very discerning when it comes to whom she lays her mouth upon.
• A man resembling the leather daddy from The Village People is telling all about his affairs with Tom Cruise, Antonio Banderas, Randy Travis, Andrea Boccelli, and Garth Brooks. Of the latter, he says, "When you're fucking a whale, it seems like an eternity." You're preaching to the choir, pal.
• Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson are both presently vacationing in Maui. Which is purely a coincidence, we're sure.
• Welcome to Bizarroworld: Ashlee looks stylish, Jessica wears a harem-panted jumpsuit. 2 Legit!
• Jamiroquai frontman Jay Kay assaults a throng of Lohan-stalking Pavarottis when he thinks they're interested in him. But he did not do said assaulting in or with a wacky hat, sadly.
• Nicole Richie cries that the media reports saying she's anorexic are stressing her out so bad that she's becoming anorexic!
• David Hasselhoff says that he, like, totally could have done Princess Di if he wanted to, and that they flirted once. She said "You look much better with your clothes on," and then the Hoff replied, "Well Ma'am, so do you." That . . . doesn't . . . make any sense.
• For all you
• When Britney and Christina kissed Madonna at the MTV awards lo, so many years ago, Christina suggested that she and Britney lock lips, but Brit declined, because she's incredibly classy and very discerning when it comes to whom she lays her mouth upon.
• A man resembling the leather daddy from The Village People is telling all about his affairs with Tom Cruise, Antonio Banderas, Randy Travis, Andrea Boccelli, and Garth Brooks. Of the latter, he says, "When you're fucking a whale, it seems like an eternity." You're preaching to the choir, pal.
• Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson are both presently vacationing in Maui. Which is purely a coincidence, we're sure.
• Welcome to Bizarroworld: Ashlee looks stylish, Jessica wears a harem-panted jumpsuit. 2 Legit!
• Jamiroquai frontman Jay Kay assaults a throng of Lohan-stalking Pavarottis when he thinks they're interested in him. But he did not do said assaulting in or with a wacky hat, sadly.
• Nicole Richie cries that the media reports saying she's anorexic are stressing her out so bad that she's becoming anorexic!
September 12, 2006
We'd Like to See You Try to Photoshop Undies Over This One
We . . . just . . . ugh. Guh. Duh? . . . guh. We don't know. Words fail. The only thing we can think, the one sentence forming in the recesses of our feeble minds and repeating, over and over, like a mantra, is "put it away, Lohan. Put it away, Lohan." Seriously, Lohan. Please. Put it away.
After the cut, Lindsay honors the memory of those lost in 9/11 . . . with her peebug! more »
After the cut, Lindsay honors the memory of those lost in 9/11 . . . with her peebug! more »
September 08, 2006
Lindsay Lohan's Bag Burgled, Recovered; Vagina Photoshopped, Also Recovered
Lindsay Lohan had her Birkin bag, stuffed full of precious jewels and special nasally-administered pharmaceuticals (her asthma meds, fool!) filched from her cart at Heathrow Airport yesterday afternoon.
Ooooh, are those tears, Lindy? Huh? You feelin' real bad, there? Feelin' sad that your fancy, $3,000 handbag crammed with sparkly girly stuff was snatched from right under your nose? That's right, cry! Cry, little baby! Go 'head and cry for us! Waaah! Waaaah! Waaah! Why you hittin' yourself? Why you hittin' yourself, Lohan? Stop hittin' yourself! more »
Ooooh, are those tears, Lindy? Huh? You feelin' real bad, there? Feelin' sad that your fancy, $3,000 handbag crammed with sparkly girly stuff was snatched from right under your nose? That's right, cry! Cry, little baby! Go 'head and cry for us! Waaah! Waaaah! Waaah! Why you hittin' yourself? Why you hittin' yourself, Lohan? Stop hittin' yourself! more »
September 06, 2006
Where's the Fire(crotch)?
Our lives are over, innocence has been lost, God is dead, etc., etc. Why, you ask?
Brandon Davis lied to us.
He was right about her being covered in freckles. He was right about the fact that we would not engage in sexual relations with her mother. Heck, he might even be right in his assertion that she's poor; we dunno her spending habits. But yesterday, after a cool breeze off the Venetian canals gently lifted the billowy fabric of her green dress, we learned once and for all that Lindsay Lohan is not a Firecrotch. more »
Brandon Davis lied to us.
He was right about her being covered in freckles. He was right about the fact that we would not engage in sexual relations with her mother. Heck, he might even be right in his assertion that she's poor; we dunno her spending habits. But yesterday, after a cool breeze off the Venetian canals gently lifted the billowy fabric of her green dress, we learned once and for all that Lindsay Lohan is not a Firecrotch. more »
August 24, 2006
The Fifth Element is Love Curious Genitalia
A stunningly beautiful Eastern European actress, who was formerly a supermodel. A hasty, sloppy exit from a car; a silken ruffled skirt bunching about the hips and thighs. Normally this all adds up to a revealing, with much fanfare, of the dusky, cotton-covered triangle that lurks 'neath a lady's lower vestments--what we in the biz call "the upskirt". And that's exactly what dainty, fine-featured famous person Milla Jovovich is showing in this picture; however, there is a problem. more »
August 15, 2006
Lohan's Breasts Vs. the Sweaterdress
Lindsay Lohan likes to test us.
Right now, we're willing to bet you're scoffing at this picture. Fancying yourself a sartorial aesthete and a bit of a dandy, you feel superior when you look at Lindsay's fashion choice. An amorphous, gunny sack-like tunic in a fetching shade of "corpse lips" with a stretched out, saggy hem? Surely, you're thinking, Lindsay is drunk, or high, or has a high fever rendering her temporarily weakened in the brain. Why else would a young girl so lovely of face and form ruin herself by donning such a dumpy ensemble? What you don't know is that Lindsay is a top secret fashion super genius. And after the cut, you'll see why. more »
Right now, we're willing to bet you're scoffing at this picture. Fancying yourself a sartorial aesthete and a bit of a dandy, you feel superior when you look at Lindsay's fashion choice. An amorphous, gunny sack-like tunic in a fetching shade of "corpse lips" with a stretched out, saggy hem? Surely, you're thinking, Lindsay is drunk, or high, or has a high fever rendering her temporarily weakened in the brain. Why else would a young girl so lovely of face and form ruin herself by donning such a dumpy ensemble? What you don't know is that Lindsay is a top secret fashion super genius. And after the cut, you'll see why. more »
August 10, 2006
Firecrotch Revealed! (Well, Almost.)
Each morning we sit at our desk (or artfully stacked milk crates, to be truly accurate) and think to ourselves, "We've lent too much space to Lindsay Lohan this week. What more could she possibly have to offer us?" Well, since we asked, she gave us a little upskirt action (very au courant) and some bare ass. Bravo, Lohan, bravo. more »
August 09, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: A Feast Fit for a Bosworth
• Suri No Middle Name Cruise pictures might finally appear soon . . . in Vanity Fair! Hopefully on the cover, wrapped in swaddling clothes, using Scarlett Johansson's ass crack as a manger.
• Bryce Dallas Howard is baking up a big batch of baby.
• Kate Bosworth ate! Ate cigarettes, water, and lettuce. Baby steps, people.
• Pam from The Office becomes Pam from The Duff-ass.
• When Janet Jackson wants her water cold, she wants her water cold, dammit. Also, yes, she did feel that pea placed under her 12 mattresses last night.
• Newly-separated Dave Navarro is dating newly-separated Jenna Jameson. And she's now #1 on his MySpace Top 8, so you know it's love.
• Jen and Vince: engaged! Whhheeeeeeee! Yayyyyy! Whoooo! Who gives a crap! All riiiiight!
• Robin Williams is in rehab. Body hair rehab, we hope.
• Sienna Miller dons dirty pink cowboy boots, a wedding dress, a red Cleopatra wig, and an exposed upskirt cotton panty look. Indeed, she is truly the fashion icon of our time.
• Bryce Dallas Howard is baking up a big batch of baby.
• Kate Bosworth ate! Ate cigarettes, water, and lettuce. Baby steps, people.
• Pam from The Office becomes Pam from The Duff-ass.
• When Janet Jackson wants her water cold, she wants her water cold, dammit. Also, yes, she did feel that pea placed under her 12 mattresses last night.
• Newly-separated Dave Navarro is dating newly-separated Jenna Jameson. And she's now #1 on his MySpace Top 8, so you know it's love.
• Jen and Vince: engaged! Whhheeeeeeee! Yayyyyy! Whoooo! Who gives a crap! All riiiiight!
• Robin Williams is in rehab. Body hair rehab, we hope.
• Sienna Miller dons dirty pink cowboy boots, a wedding dress, a red Cleopatra wig, and an exposed upskirt cotton panty look. Indeed, she is truly the fashion icon of our time.
August 08, 2006
Crotchina Aguilupskirt
Christina Aguilera has a new album coming out, so she's been a veritable juggernaut of sexy sayings and doings lately. Including this panty upskirt. There's not much we can say about an upskirt shot that hasn't already been said, so we'll just mock the funny British caption that implies that what we're looking at isn't, in fact, a wrinkled and twisted pair of beige panties covering Christina's crotch, but her actual 'tang. We know that the British are historically thought to be a sexually repressed people, but thinking that the human vagina looks like a loaf of braided challah bread makes us feel truly embarassed for them. more »
August 04, 2006
Gashlee Simpson (Almost)
Career by dad.
Voice by acid reflux.
Hair by Ken Paves.
Nose by Dr. Mort Teasdale of Santa Monica, CA.
Upskirt panty flash inspired by Paris Hilton.
more »
Voice by acid reflux.
Hair by Ken Paves.
Nose by Dr. Mort Teasdale of Santa Monica, CA.
Upskirt panty flash inspired by Paris Hilton.
more »
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Sarah Michelle Gellar
Scarlett Johansson
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