filed under: Uma Thurman

• Megan Fox takes "next Angelina Jolie" title literally, gets lipplants. (ONTD)

• Elisha Cuthbert stalks the sandy landscape in a bikini; cuddles muscular male; gets handsy with own buttocks. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon's wedding photos will be in People. And they talk about being "soul mates". Even though they've known each other for six weeks. (Celebitchy)

• What mysterious pull do these Maddens have? Lindsay Lohan was busted trying to pick up Joel (that's Nicole Richie's Madden, not Paris Hilton's Madden) at a club the other night. There's not enough Maddens to go around. (Yeeeah!)

• Angelina Jolie is reportedly going to have twin girls. They'll have their mother's looks and their father's . . . looks. They can't go wrong! (I Don't Like You In That Way)

• Amy Winehouse is slowly devolving from soulful songstress to drunken party girl to crackhead to missing link to ape. Photographic evidence exists. (Holy Taco)

• Uma Thurman's name begins with a "u". So does the word "upskirt". Aaaand that's the closest we cam come to a joke here. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

• In other Lohan news, she's still stealing clothing from her friends. Because when girls' daddies don't love them, the fill up their hearts with pilfered fur. (The Blemish)

• Blake Lively may play a high schooler on Gossip Girl, but that rack is alllll freshman year at a state U, baby. (Fatback)

• Jessica Simpson must, she must, she must increase her bust. (Cityrag)

• Post-birth, Halle has some Berry nice cleavage. We knew our childhood obsession with Strawberry Shortcake speak would come in handy some day! (Flisted)

• Uma Uma Uma mow mow ma ma Uma mow mow. In a bikini. (Though, going by the cast on her arm, these may be old, mow mow) (Hollywood Tuna)

• Britney's still on the loose, and so are her breasts. (Taxi Driver)

• Kate Hudson says that Matthew McConaughey smells like hot garbage. (Yeeeah!)

• Sean Young's fun-loving, booze-guzzling ass heads to rehab. And the softcore thriller industry grinds to a screeching halt for 90 days. (IMDb)

• J. Lo and Corpsey plan to name their twins after the costar of Doogie Howser, M.D. and the plus size hostess of various E! programs. (Daily Stab)

• Diora Baird makes with the MySpace-style nudie shots. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Nicole Richie plans on getting back down to fighting weight ASAP. Fighting weight being 83 lbs. (Celeb Parasite)

• In the midst of a family intervention, Britney buys a new Mercedes. Because she can. Suck it, bitches! (GlossLip)

• Amy Winehouse's mom is a regular ray of sunshine; talks headstones and caskets. (Holy Taco)

Uma Thurman is presently dating Arpad Busson, who is some sort of businessman best known for impregnating Elle Macpherson twice. And it's obvious that this Mr. Busson has a type. Very tall, very blonde, very built, very toothy. Oh, and with a yen for fashion that leans toward "transparent". Were Arpad Busson to fill out a match.com profile, he would shun listing the usual interests--"long walks on the beach" and "working out" and "double penetration"--in favor of "tulle" and "chiffon" and "organza" and "cellophane". And "windows". OK, we're done. Check out Uma's CLEARly superior fashion sense after the cut. God, what a pun! What a pun! more »

• Courtney Love, in a bikini, weighing less than her 12-year-old daughter. That's what making out with Bruce Willis will do to a body. It happened to Lohan, now it's happening again.

• Uma Thurman's one-piece strains against the weight of her Nordic kahooblies.

• Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson's illicit extramarital blonde people love is not going so hot.

• Kate's mom Goldie Hawn distracts us from her daughter's love life by erecting her nipples as if they were geriatric antennae 'neath her top.

• Rose McGowan barred her Grindhouse costars from wearing red to its premiere so that she would be the only scarlet lady. And then she gazed into her mystical mirror to ask who was the fairest, and beat her adopted children with wire hangers.

• I'mmmmm a Puffy Doodle Daddy, Puffy do it all the daaaaaayyyyy!

• Catherine Zeta-Jones slowly realizing that her husband is eighty.

• Jael from America's Next Top Model has slurred her way into our hearts and out of her clothes (NSFW)!

• Paris Hilton swings open the doors to her Valtrex-tinged mantrap and waves Desperate Housewives bit player Josh Henderson past the velvet rope.

• Cruznett!

• Gyllenspoon!

Underaged dudes of the world unite! Clear that bong off your coffee table, trim your nadbag, and kick your interior design major girlfriend with the dolphin tramp stamp to the curb, because Uma Thurman's on the prowl, and she wants YOU! more »

On the Fourth of July, people tend to get all choked up with patriotic love. After a half dozen hot dogs and twice as many ice cold Coors Lights, you better believe that fine Americans across this great, fat land of ours are participating in the pasttimes that make this country great; namely, humming the national anthem, flying Old Glory, fraternizing with their countrymen, writing cuss words in the air with the glow of a sparkler, and looking at pictures of great Americans in bikinis. We apologize for not being with you in your time of need yesterday and failing to provide you with said pictures. After the cut, we salute our foreskinfathers and do our national duty.

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Uma: Ever since I turned thirty-five, the alcohol burns my throat when I swallow. But luckily I've figured out a way to intake liquids through my nipple. See, all I have to do is wear a really low-cut dress when I attend a function and I can usually find a corner to duck into and I just plop the puppy out and hoover a cosmo into my tit. I've already had five tonight. That's why they're so huge.
Guy: Yeah, I'm just going to stand here all night and wait for her hooter to get thirsty again. Whatever it takes, I'm going to see those glorious gazongas before I leave this party. more »

Aw crap! January isn't even over and 2006 blows already: Uma Thurman is puttin the kibosh on all future nude scenes. As God is Uma Thurman's witness, she will never! Go naked! Again! They may take her clothes, but they'll never take . . . her FREEDOM! more »

Even though classy giantess Uma Thurman seems to resemble the graceful, lithe gazelle, she's more sees herself as more of a sexual predator than prey, like a flesh-hungry lion. "Flesh-hungry" meaning "horny", you see. more »

We are cheap bastards. We’re not saying we’ve actually picked a half-eaten banana out of the garbage can, but we’ve thought about it. The less money we spend on frivolous things like bananas the more we have left for hookers. So we’d like to commend Uma Thurman for not only shopping at Old Navy, but for using coupons while doing so. It’s not like she’s collecting fat child-support checks from Ethan Hawke. more »