filed under: Tori Spelling
August 29, 2008
90210uch

Tensions are high on the set of the new
Beverly Hills 90210, especially between guest stars
Jennie Garth,
Shannen Doherty, and
Tori Spelling (who dropped out of the new series). What, are they stealing each other's L.A. Looks sprunching spray and boxy shaker-knit sweater? In her surely entertaining autobiography, Tori claims that Shannen was "arrogant" and "a bad influence" and that at one point back in the 1990s, Jennie even punched Shannen out. Which brings us to today's
quote of the day, courtesy of Miss Shannen Doherty:
"We never did (have a fight). I think I would remember Jennie's fist connecting with a part of my body or a part of my face."
We think we'd remember that, too. The soft candlelight. Jennie and Shannen staring lustily into each other's eyes. The sparkly shimmer of Astroglide lubing up Jennie's fist.
more »
August 18, 2008
Tori Spelling Has Beautiful Breasts

Back in the David Silver days, we were obsessed with
Tori Spelling's truly nature-defying tit tunnel. Did she stick a broomstick in there when it was time to clean the house to keep her hands free to do the dusting? If David stuck his 9021-pole in there before Donna's official deflowering, was she still a virgin? But now those concerns have been surpassed by something much more important: Where in the hell did that boob cave come from? We've noticed the unevenness of her boobal area before, but never has the indentation seemed so pronounced. Does it get deeper with every child she births? Every piece of her soul she sells to reality television? But we guess the better question here is, how can we use this boob cave for our amusement? A game perhaps? How about a variation on the popular party game beer pong? Pontoon pong, we'll call it. Every time a player lodges a ping pong ball in Tori's torso dimple, their opponent must suck out some of Tori's breast milk, directly from the source. We expect Milton Bradley to be calling us any second now.
more »
July 25, 2008
Finally! Dustin Diamond To Reveal Secrets of Saved by the Bell!

You saw his huge (possibly stunt doubled) dong in
Saved by the Smell. (We can't remember if that was the real title or a joke, but we're going with it.) You saw him getting dirty (and literally poo-covered) with two ladies and wondered how much they got paid for the privilege. Now you can hear, in his own ghost-written words, about the wild nights on the
Saved by the Bell set. Man, was it crazy. Some nights they ate so many Pixie Sticks they could hardly stand up. It was just like
SNL circa '78. Reports
WENN:
Dustin Diamond will lay bare the behind-the-scenes secrets from his years as Screech on Saved By The Bell in a new book.
The actor, 31, who played the lovable nerd on the U.S. sitcom and its spin-offs from 1989 to 2000, will expose for the first time what Diamond and his castmembers, including Mario Lopez and Elizabeth Berkley, got up to off set.
Behind The Bell, which Diamond will pen with the aid of a ghostwriter, will reveal "sexual escapades among cast members, drug use, and hardcore partying," reports People.com.
What kind of "sexual escapades" are we talking here? Are we talking Mario Lopez giving Mr. Belding handjobs in the principal's office? Will we learn that Dustin first learned the art of the Dirty Sanchez from
Tori Spelling, a.k.a. Violet Anne Bickerstaff? All we know is that we will only be satisfied if somewhere in the tome someone refers to Mark-Paul Gosselaar's penis as the Zack Attack.
more »
June 10, 2008
Spelling Spilling from Womb; Campbell Threatens Same

'Tis the season for fetii to emerge from their wombs of fame. This past weekend,
Jessica Alba grunted and pushed forth little Honor Warren, and yesterday,
Tori Spelling made like a hen and laid tiny Stella McDermott.
OK! sez:
The former 90210 star gave birth to a daughter on Monday, June 9. Stella Doreen McDermott arrived at 3:13 p.m. PST and weighed 6 lbs 8 oz.
Tori's rep tells OK!, "She's here! She's a healthy baby girl. Tori and baby are resting comfortably."
And in semi-related but way more hilarious and terrifying news,
Naomi Campbell says that she's ready to join the infant brigade after recently having a cyst of evil surgically removed from her dastardly ovary. According to
Contact Music, Naomi said:
Now I can have a child I would like one. Im even willing to have one without a father. I know that I am ready. I know that with a baby I would change, Id calm down."
Either that or the child will mysteriously have a baby monitor-shaped imprint in his smooshy skull after a bout of prolonged squalling.
more »
April 09, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Pregnant. Pregnant in Bikini. Not Pregnant in Bikini.

Beyonce still not talking on the wedding rumors, but is she also gestating Hova Jr.? (
Celebitchy)
Eva Herzigova is definitely pregnant. You can tell because of the giant baby inside her belly. And the naked breasts, gravid with lactocity. (
Drunken Stepfather)
Also pregnant and half naked?
Tori Spelling in a bikini. (
Derek Hail)
Sophie Monk: not pregnant, also in a bikini. We've closed that circle of preg nudity. Time to move on now. (
F-listed)
Naked WWE Divas will have you putting a chokehold on . . . the steering wheel in heavy traffic! Hahaha, what did you think we were going to say? "Your penis"? Actually, that would have been good too. (
Cityrag)
Rob Lowe's former employees made whoopie in his bed! (
The Blemish)
Celebs without makeup! LOL! Har de har! Oh, look at
Kate Bosworth! Everyone! It's Kate Bosworth without makeup! Let's all point and laugh, because she looks totally, uh, actually she still looks perfect. (
Daily Stab)
Johnny Depp and
Vanessa Paradis to finally tie the knot. Hopefully she can get on his dental plan now. (
PopCrunch)
Move over, crabs in
Paris Hilton's pubes!
Hilary Duff has a scorpion in her pants! Beat that! (
Evil Beet)
Is Maria Sharapova lobbing it into Camilla Belle? Oh, the intrigue! (
Fatback)
Toni Braxton is in the hospital. Unbreak her busted heart sac. (
Allie Is Wired)
Naomi Campbell got banned. Banned like 2 Live Crew. Banned like slap bracelets in 1994. (
I Don't Like You In That Way)
March 21, 2008
Tori Spelling Says: "Please Hire Me. C'mon, Please? I Promise I'll Do Good."
Tori Spelling is just begging to land a role in the upcoming remake of
Beverly Hills, 90210. She's so eager, in fact, she's practically offering to write the role herself. And she doesn't seem to care how large the part is, as long as it's sexy. Because the first thing that comes to mind when thinking of Tori Spelling is sexy, not boob tunnel.
People reports:
Tori Spelling would like to return to her old zip code.
The actress has yet to be contacted by the producers of the Beverly Hills, 90210 remake the CW is developing, but Spelling, who played Donna Martin on the original show for 10 years, is ready to step up if she gets offered a role.
"My dad always wanted to do a new version of 90210, so I'm sure he will be beaming from above!" Spelling, 34, tells PEOPLE, referring to her father, the show's producer Aaron Spelling. "And I'd love to somehow be a part of it. That as well would make my dad proud!"
So what kind of role does she envision for herself?
"Well, I am a mom now, proud to say, but obviously too young to have a teenager, so maybe I could be one of the main character's young stepmom," says Spelling, who is expecting her second child. "Playing the funny sex ed teacher at the high school would be funny, too, considering Donna Martin was America's most infamous virgin."
Oh, honey. You were born in 1973. If you had a kid at twenty it would be just about fifteen right now. And what do fifteen-year-olds do? Go to high school. You're not exactly young mom Jamie Lynn Spears here.
more »
March 18, 2008
Well, That's a Shock

Well, the jig is up. That master of disguise,
Tori Spelling, has finally let the cat out of the bag. According to our plastic surgery prep nurse,
FemaleFirst, Tori told
The Sun:
"I had a boob job. There it is. I finally said it. I wanted to come clean that I had my boobs done in my 20s because people falsely write that I've had all these things done. I've had the two procedures that probably every other woman in Hollywood has had done."
The curious, funnel-shaped chasm between her softballs-in-socks breasts? Not God-given? Our entire belief system is crumbling like a house of cards.
more »
January 25, 2008
Angelina Jolie and Tori Spelling Foist Bumps Upon Us

At this point, it's more newsworthy to write stories about people who
aren't pregnant. Man, those Hollywood types! They sure do make it with each other a ton. The latest to join the cavalcade of famous folks marching towards procreation:
Tori Spelling and, possibly,
Angelina Jolie.
Hollywood.com reports:
Former Beverly Hills, 90210 star Tori Spelling is pregnant with her second child, according to new reports.
The actress and husband Dean McDermott became first-time parents last year when baby son Liam was born, and they're said to be ecstatic about the news.
A close pal of Spelling's tells In Touch Weekly magazine, "They have been having so much fun with Liam, they couldn't wait to have another."
Well, bully for them. But the real news is that Shiloh Jolie-Pitt might have some competition when it comes to Hollywood's Comeliest Baby.
Star says that Ang Jolie might be whipping up a batch of twins:
[Angelina] only discovered that she is eating for three over the past week. Rumors of pregnancy have swirled since she appeared at the Critics Choice awards on January 7 looking considerably healthier than the almost skeletal figure she had become. While Brad drank beer and others at their table downed champagne, she stuck to water. Brad and Angelina are absolutely ecstatic, a second source says. But I still think there will be more adoptions to come.
Twins. God, what an overachiever. Not only are she and Brad more facially attractive that 99% of planet, not only do they sprinkle kindness all over foreign lands, not only do they give homes to downtrodden youth, rebuild New Orleans, give award-winning performances in large budget motion pictures, but they also procreate better than you. Bitches all!
October 23, 2007
Sick or Treat

Is this
Tori Spelling in a Donatella Versace costume, or Donatella Versace in a Tori Spelling costume? Halloween is so scary!
April 04, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: "A Shadowy Flight Into the Dangerous World of a Man Who Does Not Exist."

Usher Raymond's life is unnecessarily
complicated.
OMG,
KITT is for sale! For a mere $100K, you can own a 1982 Trans Am that doesn't actually speak.
Tori Spelling's new bundle of joy
graces People, has mom's original nose.
Large-breasted Brit (we're starting to believe that there are no other sorts of Brits) Lucy Pinder
shucks bra for a magazine called
Nuts. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Pammo Anderson brings back the slo-mo, running-on-the-beach Baywatch
cleave ripple. And if you're not down with that, there's a cute puppy, so . . . hey.
We don't generally condone violence or the issuing of beatdowns. But when it
happens to
Joe Francis, we're still going to snicker like Muttley a little, sorry.
Suri Cruise:
silent naked weave-styling (last item).
Halle Berry celebrates getting her Hollywood star with
cleavage, as everyone should. Yeah, we're looking at you, John Tesh.
Hey, can you maybe answer a question that's been plaguing us for over a year? Why does
Pete Wentz always, ALWAYS pose for pictures doing that
"oooh, you baaaad" sneer? Is it because an errant fisherman caught him on his hook? Because that's what we're fantasizing.
Take a tenderly lumpy journey through the bas relief world of
celebrity lipo.
March 14, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Welcome to the World, Liam Aaron McDermott

Donna Martin procreates! Donna Martin
procreates!
Leonardo DiCaprio's bodyguards were
arrested for roughing up the locals in Jerusalem. Hahaha. Leonardo DiCaprio has bodyguards. Plural.
Charlize Theron, a
bikini, a baby, and puppies. Which of these things is the adorablest?
Don't you dare keep
Woody Harrelson from taking his
wine to go, or you might find your teeth embedded in your larynx.
Don't you dare block
Lindsay Lohan's way, or you might find yourself with
Pirelli tracks on your dome.
Mischa Barton? Mischa
Barfon.
Sienna Miller topless pictures from a few weeks ago: new, improved, high quality,
more. The best part? She's not donning her typical crapwear!
Diva baby? Child actors gone wild? Can't control the Sprouse twins on the set of The Suite Life of Zach and Cody? Call
SHILOH!
December 28, 2006
Because Multiple Weddings Worked So Well for Pam Anderson

Just to prove that Daddy's bags of silicone can still nab a man
and estate jewelry,
Tori Spelling will get engaged every Christmas until she gets cocky, spends the holiday smack dab on the Equator, and melts into a giant plastic puddle.
more »
December 06, 2006
***RARE OOP*** TORI SPELLING FRENCH ANTIQUES
Tori Spelling is working on a memoir to be released in 2008 and is throwing a totally bitchin' yard sale. These nuggets might lead you to believe that Tori really needs some scratch (either because she's sick of eating Kraft dinner every night or because her ultrasound showed a prehensile tail that will be costly to remove. Yeah, we just ragged on a fetus. Deal with it). But we are smarter than you, so we know the truth--selling off her belongings in an estate sale? Divulging her secrets in a tell-all? It all means that Tori's actually dead. She's a zombie, and she's about to eat
Dean McDermott's brain!
more »
October 19, 2006
Tori Spelling's Pee Stick of Love
Are you sick of necklaces made of diamonds, rubies, and emeralds? Had your fill of gold and silver and platinum? Then why don't you follow
Tori Spelling's example and wear something you've peed on around your neck? It's unique
and classy.
more »
October 04, 2006
Tori Spelling: Preggo-210
It's been confirmed (sort of) that
Tori Spelling is full of the spawn of Dean McDermott. If the baby is born with half the traits of each parent, we'll expect it to be constructed of plastic molded to nearly resemble actual human body parts and made-for-extended-basic-cable movie credits.
more »
September 27, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: Muff-y the Mampire Displayer
Buffy costar
Mercedes McNab to
pose for Playboy; socially-challenged fanboys to spring boners eternal.
Sweet little cherub
Mandy Moore is bringin' schlumpy back, and
pulling it off.
And lo, brash angel of God
Kathy Griffin alit and sayeth unto
Tori Spelling:
"unto you a childe is borne!"
Paris Hilton has been
officially charged with drunk driving. Now, if only she were to be officially charged by the fashion police. Ooh! That's right! We went there! Uh-huh! Two snaps up, girlfriend!
Aerosmith's Steven Tyler is one
hep cat.
Ashlee Simpson premiered as Roxie Hart in the London Cambridge Theatre's production of
Chicago Monday night. And alas, there was no one with an oversized novelty hook, nor any clowns with comical janitor's brooms in sight.
Lindsay Lohan's father brags about
porking his daughter's
Herbie stunt double. No punch line needed.
A helpful
compendium of celebrity nippage to clip, save, collect, and trade with friends.
Tom and
K-Hole are looking for a project they can
star in together. Might we suggest adapting Ronnie Spector's biography,
Be My Baby? Though Tom as a megalomaniacal, shrimpy Svengali with a predilection for shades holding his young and innocent wife captive in their own home might be a bit of a stretch. Har de har har.
July 31, 2006
Porny Tori
We think we have hit upon the absolute dictionary definition of Too Much Information:
Tori Spelling loves porn.
more »
July 26, 2006
Tori Spelling: So NoBROKEious
Note to spoiled celebrity scions: If you plan on getting embroiled in a big ol' bitch fight with Mommy (or Daddy's twenty-two-year-old fourth wife or his Filipino pool boy or whoever will control the estate) make sure Daddy isn't about to kick the bucket. Cause if Daddy dies Mommy might be able to take away your inheritance and leave you with barely enough to pay for the upkeep on your plastic pontoons.
more »
June 26, 2006
Aaron Spelling Now in Eternal Syndication in the Great Beyond
Legendary television producer/sirer of
Tori Aaron Spelling passed away on Friday after suffering a stroke. Luckily he and his estranged daughter were able to make nice before he departed this mortal coil. If there is any justice in this world and if God truly exists, Mr. Spelling is on a cloud, ears-deep in shirtless, feathered-hair angels with Hervι Villechaize.
more »
March 22, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: Erecting a Twelve Foot Pole
Jennifer Aniston is
moving to Chicago. We can't wait to run into her in the health and beauty aisle at Jewel!
Piper Perabo lowers herself to
date former pill-popper/
Friends friend
Matthew Perry. Move over TomKat and Brangelina, here's . . . Pipthew Perrybo?
Our #1 deity,
Mariah Carey, teams up with Snoop,
shoots a video, mounts a mesa of Vuitton luggage, wears very little clothing.
Salma Hayek chortles when
confronted with
Colin Farrell's weenis. Understandable.
Portman pokies, redux!
If your daughter were
Tori Spelling, wouldn't you
sue her too? Just for fun?
K-Fed hates the Pavarotti, loves his kids and wife, raps about it in
hot new tune on
MySpace. This one's for the haters. Fuck the media.
Pink's special surprise for her husband is reportedly a "
12ft pole to be erected in her dressing room". But the bigger surprise is that said pole is being erected in her pants! Because she's a man, see.
Aerosmith's Steven Tyler is about to
undergo surgery for an "undisclosed medical condition". Lip reduction? Eyeliner tattoos? Scarfectomy?
February 10, 2006
A Sampling of Some Less Alluring Nip
You want more tit? Is that your one an only desire this fine Friday morning? Well, be careful what you wish for, my friend, cause we've got boobs from
Tori Spelling and
Britney Spears. And we're talking current-day, tainted-with-Kevin-Federline-semen Britney.
more »
December 29, 2005
CNW Junk Drawer: She's Like the Bling Through My Tree
Dirty Dancing's
Patrick Swayze says he's
experimenting with rap rhythms as an emotional undercurrent for ballads. That makes sense, since rap rhythms are a feeling; a heartbeat. Guh-gung. Guh-gung.
Katie Holmes sez: "
I won't wed 'til afterbirth!" God, that's sick! Oh, wait. That's "after birth".
Still married to one nonfamous guy,
Tori Spelling gets
engaged to another. That means
two men have willingly signed up to make Tori Spelling's vagina the only vagina in their lives forever and ever and ever. Our world, it is a sick and sad one.
Unbearable douchelord
Bono flirts with his own daughters, but at least saves the
massive shagging for his wife only.
Wipe that image out of your mind with some
naked pictures of former supermodel/erstwhile Axl schtup-puppet Stephanie Seymour.
Is
Naomi Watts about to marry Liev Schreiber? Is she
incubating his young? Is she going to don a bikini and bang Bond? Whowhatwherewhenwhyhowwhatwhatwhhhatttt???!?!?!?!?!
Whatsa matta,
Paris?
Crabs gotcha down?
Cindy Crawford's little
son is totally in my face! Poor Maddox Jolie--replaced by a newer, hipper, younger, more attitude-y at age four.
Keira Knightley's
thong. Yup. It sure is.
Eminem will make ex-wife Kim
new wife Kim on January 14th. The invitation reads: "This day I will marry my best friend, the one I laugh with, live for, love." Guess "Sit down bitch/If you move again I'll beat the shit out of you" doesn't exactly scream "holy matrimony".
December 01, 2005
CNW Junk Drawer: March of the Tiny Wieners
Nicole Richie (version Fat.0) with
plump rump ripe on the runway. Ah, those halcyon days of youth.
Super kookynuts rumor of the day:
Paris Hilton is set to dip her ring finger in the cheesy, Uncle Jesse style goodness of
Stamos Nachos and become his
lawfully wedded tortilla chip.
Not only can
90210 "actress"
Tori Spelling make disgusted faces and make David Silver get a boner, she can also
make a baby! Yaaaay!
After getting arrested for posession of crack yesterday,
Kate Moss squire of yore Pete Doherty claims she left him for good because he's
packing a wee weiner.
While
Enrique Iglesias claims that the rumors of his own
lack of girth have been
greatly exaggerated.
She says
Jacko's not the one, no, the kid is
not his son.
Yet
ANOTHER reason to hate
Fergie.
Keeping with the Halloween spirit,
Tom and
Katie are set to
wed on October 21rst.
After the three Magi heard King Herod, they went on their way, and the star they had seen in the east went ahead of them until it stopped over the place where the child was. On coming to the Malibu house with the tricked-out
pink Hummer out front, they
saw the child with his mother
Britney, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented Sean Preston with gifts of woobies and of binkies and of myrrh. Merry X-mas, y'all!