Ah, we get it. Britney saw The Break-Up and was inspired by Jennifer Aniston's celluloid move of waxing off her nether wig to tantalize her ex.



Yes, indeedy! Show off your bald beav to throngs of strangers. That'll teach the Fed not to treat you like an ATM with an oft-full womb! Boy oh boy, you are learnin' him but good!

You know the drill by now. Cut, click, panty hamster.  

Hey, readers. Hey. How's it going? Great, great.



Friends, we are certain that you are asking yourselves why we just put that picture of Paris and her minion Spears--in a fully see-through shirt--on our front page when it is generally our policy to keep the pinkish bits confined to after cuts (see how we care about you and don't want you to get fired?). The answer is simple--this is the most demure picture we have of Britney Spears today. For real. Within the last twenty-four hours she has shed the last of her inhibitions and undergarments, and after the storied very NSFW cut, you will take a mystical journey to the very core of Britney Spears, so grab your lighted mining helmet, grappling hook, and a light snack--it might take a while for you to find your way back out.  

Man. We go away for a holiday weekend and SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED that we are finding it next to impossible to keep up. No, we're not talking about Heidi Klum discharging Sealbaby 2 from her womb or Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams procuring a marriage license, nor are we referring to Michael Richards apologizing to various sundry members of the African-American community. We're talking about the important stuff; namely, Britney Spears becoming LYLAS 4-EVA BFFs with Paris Hilton, and appropriately adjusting her wardrobe to reflect said status.




To see what happens after Britney moves that charming Playboy purse to her right, turn the page.  

Paris Hilton recently attended Jay-Z's concert in Las Vegas and apparently, she misheard his lyric "no panties and jeans, that's so necessary" as "no panties and jeans, that's unnecessary."



Which is very unlike Paris, but still, even with her crotch safely tucked inside its satiny blue prison, at least she took the "H to the izzo" part straight to heart.  

Before yesterday's "GQ Obsession" post, we went for six cold, long, and empty days with nary a mention of The Lohan. What was she doing for those six days? Needlepoint? Dawson's Creek marathon? Diana Ross's son? As it turns out, she might have been CUTTING. Or maybe "cunting" would be more appropriate. After the cu(n)t, scars and more fiery crotch!  

• Oprah was not invited to Tom and K-Hole's wedding, but she is trying to figure out what to send them as a gift. Duh! A couch.

• Bigger news than Santa arriving at the lighting of the Macy's Christmas tree: Victoria's Secret supermodels getting on their boob-shaped spacecraft and arriving on Earth after their long journey from Planet Jiggle.

• Madonna wants to buy another baby as soon as possible. Perhaps it will be a Christmas gift for the other one.

• Sure, Vida Guerra has a gargantuan tail. But did you know that she has boobs, too?

• Nicole Richie has responded to PageSix's insinuation that SOMEONE had reverse gastric bypass in her MySpace blog. The lady doth protest too much.

• Is Kirsten Dunst sinking her vampiric meth mouth baby teeth into rodentlike eunuch Orlando Bloom? And will their hypothetical babies be weaselly nutless bloodsuckers?

• Paris Hilton's ass looks less flapjacky from the back. But don't they all, really? When it comes right down to it, aren't they all less flapjacky from the back? Deep.

• Jenny Love Hewitt might be all chaste and crap, but she will still wear a small strip of fabric nestled lovingly betwixt her buttocks.

• Lesbian Week continues: Joan Jett and Carmen Electra love rock n' roll. Joan mighta put another dime in Carmen's juicebox, baby.

• No, as a matter of fact, we haven't actually seen Ron Jeremy and Super Mario in the same room together. Luigi, though, sure.  

See Kim Cattrall.



See Kim's Cat, y'all!

After the cunt.  

After a recent, boozulous night out, Avril Lavigne could be found in the back of her car, furiously texting:

C MY UND-E'S



Well, yes.  

We've all had ample warning that Paris Hilton is capable of spreading many undesirable things to her friends and enemies (i.e., herpes, excessive stupidity, saying that's hot) but apparently she also possesses contagious assflaps. Exhibit A:

 

Gawd, Mischa, you're such an ass.

 

• George Michael says, "I don't have a drug problem!" Aside from being arrested after falling asleep in his car at an intersection. For the second time. In eight months.

• Avril Lavigne apologizes for hawking loogs on the Pavarotti, stating that she'd never spit on her fans. No, she'll just flip them off and cuss them out.

• Well, Jordan's obviously got her cell phone on "vibrate".

• There's another warrant out for Bobby Brown's arrest--he owes two months' worth of back child support, totalling $11,000. Oh please, they can't expect Bobby Brown to scrape up that kinda scratch these days.

• Mischa Barton's shirt says "Drop knowledge, not bombs". But what she's really dropping is a big ole doo log of an outfit.

• Carmen Electra poses for some nice "F U, Dave" shots.

• The "Marie Antoinette Association" of France are hopping mad about Kirsten Dunst's portrayal of the queen in Sofia Coppola's new film, helpfully titled Marie Antoinette. A spokesperson for the association hisses, "I've seen the trailer for the film on the internet. It is a fright. We've spent years trying to convince people that the queen was not just a libertine who told the starving to eat cake. What do you see on the trailer? You see Marie Antoinette eating cake. You see her lying naked on a chaise longue. I fear the film is going to set us back many years." God, just think of all the advancements these people have made by dressing up in powdered wigs and sending out mimeographed newsletters . . . down the drain! All those hours spent planning historical reenactment dinners--wasted! And just wait until people see the movie and actually believe that Marie Antoinette was a fang-toothed California blonde who listened to New Order! It'll be anarchy! Civil war! Innocents will be slaughtered! Pestilence will sweep the land! Sacre bleu!  

Lindsay Lohan is one busy beaver lately, and we're not just talking about all that gash she's been flashing. Today must be official Lindsay saturation day, as she's coming at us from all sides. She's secretly married! No, she and Harry are broken up! She finally wears panties! But she forgets her pants! And Jane Fonda wants to cradle Lindsay in her nurturing bosom until Lindsay can learn to be a freakin' grown-up already.  

• Yes, you've seen Kate Moss in her underwear before. But that's not going to stop you from looking again.

• David Hasselhoff says that he, like, totally could have done Princess Di if he wanted to, and that they flirted once. She said "You look much better with your clothes on," and then the Hoff replied, "Well Ma'am, so do you." That . . . doesn't . . . make any sense.

• For all you gymnast (we're quite dumb) figure skater-loving old dudes: Katarina Witt upskirt!

• When Britney and Christina kissed Madonna at the MTV awards lo, so many years ago, Christina suggested that she and Britney lock lips, but Brit declined, because she's incredibly classy and very discerning when it comes to whom she lays her mouth upon.

• A man resembling the leather daddy from The Village People is telling all about his affairs with Tom Cruise, Antonio Banderas, Randy Travis, Andrea Boccelli, and Garth Brooks. Of the latter, he says, "When you're fucking a whale, it seems like an eternity." You're preaching to the choir, pal.

• Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson are both presently vacationing in Maui. Which is purely a coincidence, we're sure.

• Welcome to Bizarroworld: Ashlee looks stylish, Jessica wears a harem-panted jumpsuit. 2 Legit!

• Jamiroquai frontman Jay Kay assaults a throng of Lohan-stalking Pavarottis when he thinks they're interested in him. But he did not do said assaulting in or with a wacky hat, sadly.

• Nicole Richie cries that the media reports saying she's anorexic are stressing her out so bad that she's becoming anorexic!  

We . . . just . . . ugh. Guh. Duh? . . . guh. We don't know. Words fail. The only thing we can think, the one sentence forming in the recesses of our feeble minds and repeating, over and over, like a mantra, is "put it away, Lohan. Put it away, Lohan." Seriously, Lohan. Please. Put it away.

After the cut, Lindsay honors the memory of those lost in 9/11 . . . with her peebug!  

Lindsay Lohan had her Birkin bag, stuffed full of precious jewels and special nasally-administered pharmaceuticals (her asthma meds, fool!) filched from her cart at Heathrow Airport yesterday afternoon.



Ooooh, are those tears, Lindy? Huh? You feelin' real bad, there? Feelin' sad that your fancy, $3,000 handbag crammed with sparkly girly stuff was snatched from right under your nose? That's right, cry! Cry, little baby! Go 'head and cry for us! Waaah! Waaaah! Waaah! Why you hittin' yourself? Why you hittin' yourself, Lohan? Stop hittin' yourself!  

Our lives are over, innocence has been lost, God is dead, etc., etc. Why, you ask?

Brandon Davis lied to us.



He was right about her being covered in freckles. He was right about the fact that we would not engage in sexual relations with her mother. Heck, he might even be right in his assertion that she's poor; we dunno her spending habits. But yesterday, after a cool breeze off the Venetian canals gently lifted the billowy fabric of her green dress, we learned once and for all that Lindsay Lohan is not a Firecrotch.  

A stunningly beautiful Eastern European actress, who was formerly a supermodel. A hasty, sloppy exit from a car; a silken ruffled skirt bunching about the hips and thighs. Normally this all adds up to a revealing, with much fanfare, of the dusky, cotton-covered triangle that lurks 'neath a lady's lower vestments--what we in the biz call "the upskirt". And that's exactly what dainty, fine-featured famous person Milla Jovovich is showing in this picture; however, there is a problem.  

Lindsay Lohan likes to test us.

Right now, we're willing to bet you're scoffing at this picture. Fancying yourself a sartorial aesthete and a bit of a dandy, you feel superior when you look at Lindsay's fashion choice. An amorphous, gunny sack-like tunic in a fetching shade of "corpse lips" with a stretched out, saggy hem? Surely, you're thinking, Lindsay is drunk, or high, or has a high fever rendering her temporarily weakened in the brain. Why else would a young girl so lovely of face and form ruin herself by donning such a dumpy ensemble? What you don't know is that Lindsay is a top secret fashion super genius. And after the cut, you'll see why.  

Each morning we sit at our desk (or artfully stacked milk crates, to be truly accurate) and think to ourselves, "We've lent too much space to Lindsay Lohan this week. What more could she possibly have to offer us?" Well, since we asked, she gave us a little upskirt action (very au courant) and some bare ass. Bravo, Lohan, bravo.  

• Suri No Middle Name Cruise pictures might finally appear soon . . . in Vanity Fair! Hopefully on the cover, wrapped in swaddling clothes, using Scarlett Johansson's ass crack as a manger.

• Bryce Dallas Howard is baking up a big batch of baby.

• Kate Bosworth ate! Ate cigarettes, water, and lettuce. Baby steps, people.

• Pam from The Office becomes Pam from The Duff-ass.

• When Janet Jackson wants her water cold, she wants her water cold, dammit. Also, yes, she did feel that pea placed under her 12 mattresses last night.

• Newly-separated Dave Navarro is dating newly-separated Jenna Jameson. And she's now #1 on his MySpace Top 8, so you know it's love.

• Jen and Vince: engaged! Whhheeeeeeee! Yayyyyy! Whoooo! Who gives a crap! All riiiiight!

• Robin Williams is in rehab. Body hair rehab, we hope.

• Sienna Miller dons dirty pink cowboy boots, a wedding dress, a red Cleopatra wig, and an exposed upskirt cotton panty look. Indeed, she is truly the fashion icon of our time.  

Christina Aguilera has a new album coming out, so she's been a veritable juggernaut of sexy sayings and doings lately. Including this panty upskirt. There's not much we can say about an upskirt shot that hasn't already been said, so we'll just mock the funny British caption that implies that what we're looking at isn't, in fact, a wrinkled and twisted pair of beige panties covering Christina's crotch, but her actual 'tang. We know that the British are historically thought to be a sexually repressed people, but thinking that the human vagina looks like a loaf of braided challah bread makes us feel truly embarassed for them.  

Career by dad.
Voice by acid reflux.
Hair by Ken Paves.
Nose by Dr. Mort Teasdale of Santa Monica, CA.
Upskirt panty flash inspired by Paris Hilton.