Hey, readers. Hey. How's it going? Great, great.



Friends, we are certain that you are asking yourselves why we just put that picture of Paris and her minion Spears--in a fully see-through shirt--on our front page when it is generally our policy to keep the pinkish bits confined to after cuts (see how we care about you and don't want you to get fired?). The answer is simple--this is the most demure picture we have of Britney Spears today. For real. Within the last twenty-four hours she has shed the last of her inhibitions and undergarments, and after the storied very NSFW cut, you will take a mystical journey to the very core of Britney Spears, so grab your lighted mining helmet, grappling hook, and a light snack--it might take a while for you to find your way back out.  

• Kirsten Dunst's teatlets meet a lace-paneled dress, peekaboo nippage ensues. The pictures are old, but so are you, geezer.

• John Mayer and Jessica Simpson are together again, naturally. Even though they say they weren't together in the first place. But they are now. Probably. Eh.

• Well, we had the dubious honor of viewing the Screech sex tape yesterday. What can we say about it? He refers to himself in the third person, as "the D Man", he is more interested in the various edibles the ladies have around their hotel room than their vaginas, and the first 15 minutes consist of Dustin and his lady in a bubble bath, discussing the finer points of 24. Fleshbot has their own review. And screencaps.

• Agent Scully had a baby! And despite her insistence that the child was sired by boyfriend Clyde Klotz, her ex-husband Julian Ozanne is demanding a paternity test. So we can find out it's half-alien. And then Mulder will watch porn and there will be sexual tension, etc.

• Australian Holly Valance's nipple boomerangs out of her swimsuit. Crikey!

• Keira Knightley is engaged to her actor arm candy Rupert Friend. Can you imagine calling up your parents and saying, "Mom, Dad, I am going to be Mrs. Rupert Friend"? And then your parents would howl with laughter and say, "Sure, and I'm about to marry Nigel Sparkleshowers! Ahahahaha! His best man will be Cecil Rhys-Babybunnybottom! Hahahahaha!"

• Penelope Cruz half naked for Pirelli. Why are you still reading this?

• Janet Jackson has made whoopee on a plane. In her seat. Surrounded by passengers. And peanuts. And crying babies. And manhandled issues of Flight magazine. And the heady stench of impeding fiery death. Anyone else have a boner right now?

• Will Smith says that he and Jada are homeschooling their children, because history and dates aren't important, and anything of consequence you need to know, like for example how to fly a space shuttle, can be found in books. So if you see a couple of confused children wandering around Hollywood, scratching their asses and crying because they don't know how to find bus fare or talk to non-Cruises, but do know how to commandeer a submarine, they would be the Smith progeny.  

Well, Britney has it half right. She was able to remember that when one is sporting a completely sheer top, it's best to wear a bra underneath. However, she completely forgot that the tits go IN the bra. INNNN the bra.

 

The night before last, in front of God and paparazzi and a doorman and everyone, Lindsay Lohan called Paris Hilton THE C-WORD. Oh, and furthermore, speaking of c-words, Lindsay's multitudinous beaux must be having a problem finding hers--although by this point we've all seen it so often that our three-year-old cousin can draw it from memory--because she's now taken to donning a map to the treasure:
 

• Elle Macpherson's still got it! Believe the hype, feel the magic, catch the wave, etc., etc.

• Anna Nicole sold the video of her C-section to Entertainment Tonight for $1 million. OK, so for those who like to keep count: she sold the last pictures of her with her son, she sold the pictures of her "commitment ceremony" to lawyer/barnacle Howard K. Stern, she sold the (incredibly bloody and brutal) video of her baby's birth. Next on the auction block: the baby.

• Moby hopes that if and when he has children, they will turn out gay. Gay children everywhere are hoping that if and when they are sired, it won't be to Moby.

• Ryan Phillippe says, in regards to rumors that he cheated on Reese Witherspoon, “I’m not a perfect person, but I’m not guilty of a lot of the things I have been accused of.” He's not guilty of a lot of those things. Just a bunch of them. A passel, if you will.

• Lindsay Lohan has been rear-ended. Has she ever!

• Sienna Miller gets revenge on Pittsburgh by showing her boobs. That'll learn 'em.

• Jordan (sweet, sweet Jordan) says that husband Peter Andre's past as a schtupper of tramps makes her sick. Apparently, she feels fine about him being a present schtupper of one tramp.

• Jessica Simpson makes with the cleavage; jazz hands.

 

Remember the other day when we said that Kate Moss was going to produce the world's first 95% cocaine baby? Well, we were wrong. It'll be more like 85% cocaine, 10% champagne.

 

Remember about six months ago when you couldn't open a tabloid or peruse a gossip blog without hearing Sharon Stone ramble on about how sexy she was, and how shocking it was that she was sexy cause she's old? Looks like grandma is sick of only getting attention from her cats, so she decided to whip out some nipples. We are shocked! Shocked at her audacious nudity! Shouldn't she be wrapped in a shawl watching 20/20 and screaming about those damn kids on her lawn?  

These pictures appear to be pretty old--either from the premiere of the Zach Braff-helmed papfest Garden State, or when it was in theaters--but they just prove one thing: Rachel Bilson is the G.I. Joe of starlets; i.e. a real American hero. You see, there are people who are about to enter that theater and watch Garden State. And about halfway through, when they realize they're stuck with Zach Braff's Garry Shandling-lite face bobbling before them while Natalie Portman plays the winsome crazy, they have a happy place where their minds may safely wander: Rachel Bilson's nipples under her vaguely sheer black chemise.



Better pics under the cut.  

Mammaries!
All exposed under flaaashbulbs!
We can smile at Babs' old days,
She was beautiful then,
We remember the time her teats were perky and young . . .
Let the mammaries live again!
Under the cut, Barbra Streisand takes a page from the book of Posh Spice, exposing her foundation garment-challenged Boobras stuffed into a very tight and very see-through black shirt.  

Apparently, Posh Spice rather liked the reaction Monday's nip slip brought, and has decided that boob buttons make better accessories than Olsen-huge bags or platform pumps.



Truly the cherry on top of any outfit.  

I am so, like, bummed today. I spent all day working on a mix tape for Jordan Catalano, because I know if I just do some little thing or whatever he'll think I'm cool and want to be my boyfriend and make out with me under the science wing stairwell and life will just be perfect. But then I realized that it would never be good enough, because he likes like The Ramones and Archers of Loaf and stuff and my mom is so mean she'll only buy me lame CDs like Frente! and The Lemonheads and that will never impress Jordan Catalano, because he is so . . . so Jordan Catalano, and he's so cool and whatever and he'll never love me. So I just gave up on the mix tape and decided to show him my nipples instead.

 

Sigh.



When your gleaming, freshly-waxed genitals are captured in brilliant, full color for all the world to see, a vaguely sheer top seems about as titillating as a pair of stirrup pants and an "I Love My Corgi" cross stitched sweatshirt.