Well, it was a monumental weekend, folks.



That's right! You are correct. It WAS, indeed the annual Winter Dreamscape Ball at Tinsley Frank Senior High. It was truly a night to remember, as evidenced by this beautiful portrait of the couple crowned Prince and Princess Snowflake, snapped right before their official dance to "I Still Believe" by Brenda K. Starr!  

When you hear the word brawl you probably think of a seedy barroom with a sticky mixture of piss and Pabst covering the floor, where patrons are eighty percent beard and leather. And names like Mickey Rourke or Colin Farrell probably pop into your head. But these days equality reigns and brawlin' ain't just for drunken Irishmen in saloons. Sometimes someone like Brandy gets a little worked up when reading from Leviticus in a Bible study class and has no recourse but to throw some chairs.  

Like the mythical Yeti of yore, Suri No Middle Name Cruise roams the land silently and stoically under the cover of night, emerging only to feed and mingle briefly with Scientology-approved thespians. Sightings of the mysterious infant have increased tenfold, in a highly crop-circle-style fashion, in the last month, and this past weekend Suri experienced that milestone in every celebrity child's life: her first industry party!  

After exhausting his list of Scientological compatriots (Leah Remini) and tight-lipped celeb cronies on the L. Ron payroll (the Pinkett-Smiths, Penelope Cruz), Tom Cruise is branching out and inviting other celebrities to bear frankincense, myrrh, and designer Baby Bjorns, follow the star in the north and come to gaze upon baby Suri No Middle Name as she lies in her plexiglass, thetan-repelling hyperbaric cradle. He's invited Posh Spice and her well-waxed husband David Beckham to come visit the child (after agreeing to adhere to a list of creepy rules, natch), but we just think he wants to throw the fact that they haven't yet been able to produce a girl-child in their faces.  

Over the weekend we were taken hostage by a couple of glassy-eyed and stiff-limbed members of our local branch of the Church of Scientology and made to watch what they called "mind-correcting informational films" for the better part of two days. When we were finally released into sunlight and allowed to once again intake fluids, we had a deep love and admiration for our patron saint Tom Cruise and knew that we would never again crack wise at his expense. But last night we had an emergency lobotomy and today we can forge ahead with a report on Suri No Middle Name Cruise's all-clear state in regard to engram infestation.  

In our last episode of Jenna Elfman: Batshit Scientology Warrior, we left our hero on the streets of Los Angeles, searching for body thetans and eradicating them with her state-of-the-art Hubbardian brand photon laser gun. In today's episode, Jenna Elfman will attempt to free the streets from the widespread scourge of baby rape.  

• Matthew McConaughey beat some rape charges. Which is actually kind of easy to do when your accuser is a foaming-at-the-mouth loonybird who claims she turned down MM's proposal of marriage while they were studying Scientology and then he tried to kill her after knocking her out with drugged milk.

• Paris Hilton knows when to hold 'em and fold 'em, but not when to walk away or run, so much.

• Mischa Barton wears lacy white panties. Tell your friends.

• Ashlee Simpson ponies up a little areola. Her yams look pretty nice. It's a shame about the makeup, though.

• We know Lohan gives Spuds McKenzie a run for his money in the "original party animal" category, but the fact that the cast of a show that works under cover of night, fueled on various stimulants, had to stage an intervention is just sad.

• Mandy Moore's parents were holed up in her basement, playing World of Warcraft and smoking bongs, posting on Doctor Who message boards and refusing to get jobs, so she kicked their lard asses to the damn curb.

• But y'all ain't mad at her, because look how adorable and precious she is! Awwwww. Mannnnndyyyy.

• If Tony Parker hadn't come along and made an honest woman out of Eva Longoria, she would have been straddling tables at nightclubs, inserting a Jeff Stryker Cock n' Balls into her netherholes instead of just talking about it.

• K-Hole asked for (and got) an epidural while crapping out Suri Cruise. Brutal, hateful, extra-long auditing session TK.  

There was a time when Tom Cruise talking about his mind-blowing sex life would not have sent thousands of unsuspecting readers into seizure. Some of the ladies would have actually swooned over this proclamation. We're talking Cocktail era here. But when he's talking about his (now official!) Scientologist concubine, it's like the pie-eating-contest scene in Stand by Me.  

No, the little fucker has not popped out yet. Or completed it's scientist-monitored gestation period in a man-made womb-like environment. Whatever. The bottom line is the apocalypse has not yet arrived. You have at least one more day as a free earthling before our new infant overlord takes control of your mind. So go have sex and eat some cheesecake. Or pop a couple Prozac while you still can.  

• Rosie O'Donnell challenges Naomi Campbell to a cage match, saying, "I think she needs a big 200 pound lesbian to kick her ass." Normally, our money would be on Rosie, but we hear Naomi has custom-made bedazzled boxing gloves in the shape of hand-held communication devices, so . . .

• Natalie Portman: she's Harvard-educated, speaks four languages, acts, dances, saves Jason Bateman's puppy from certain death. Basically, she's like Jesus. Jesus in a thong.

• Well, hey there, Megan Mullally of TV's Will & Grace. You go, girl, with your big ole cleavage and your flashing of an actor dressed like a cop and all that. You go, Megan Mullally of TV's Will & Grace.

• The fat kid from Stand By Me is engaged to Pepper Dennis.

• Oh, that Paris Hilton! What a scamp! Her thrush-encrusted acid tongue is at it again. She says that former BFF Nicole Richie "cannot stand being around me because I get all the attention and people really don't care about her", and that "she has nothing else so she really wants to do [The Simple Life] but I don't. It's really pathetic that she needs to use my name to sell something because she's obviously not enough," and that Nicole is simply jealous and fame-hungry. Special emphasis on "hungry".

• Lindsay Lohan admits to dabbling in Kabbalah, saying, "All of us need something. You have to grab on to whatever gets you through." It's definitely pretty easy to grab a pretty red string when it's on your wrist. You know what else is easy to grab onto? Boobs. Big boobs.

• Kate Beckinsale is said to be the forerunner in the race to be cast as Wonder Woman. Her Halloween costume really gave her a leg up on the competition. Does that mean that Lindsay Lohan will soon be cast as a firefighting junkie stripper?

• Tom Cruise has a pacifier custom-made for Katie Holmes as an aid to shut her the hell up during delivery. And CelebNewsWire has an adult diaper made for Tom, because we hate his crazy ass.  

At this very moment, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are not having sex. So basically everything is as it has been for the past nine months. Why is this newsworthy again? Oh, yeah, because mentioning the words "Tom Cruise" and "lovemaking" in the same sentence in fucking gross and we're trying to make your morning Huevos Rancheros reappear.  

Never underestimate the mystical powers of Scientologists. Not only can they cure mental illness with niacin and jumping jacks, they can make Katie Holmes's sex scenes dissipate into thin air.  

Tom Cruise recently sat down for a heart-to-heart with Barbara Walters (first person to smugly crow "BABA WAWA!" gets punched!) and let a couple of delicious little Thanksgiving giblets tumble forth from the gaping orafice of the TomKat love turkey. In the interview, which airs on November 29th on ABC, Tom tells the tale of how he bought Katie her own sonogram machine, so that the happy couple can check the progress of their incubating hellspawn at their leisure. And Katie, being a cheerful, trusting sort, never asks questions when Tom and a group of robed "nurses" called "auditors" perform daily "sonograms" by giving her electrodes to hold while asking her questions like "Have you ever tried to make the physical universe less real?" and "Did you come to Earth for evil purposes?"  

For months now, we've been trying to wrap our feeble minds around this whole Katie and Tom hoodoo business. Many a sleepless night has been spent trying to unravel the tightly-woven threads of their love sham, and yet we keep coming up empty-handed. Star magazine has lent a helping hand and offered up some clues as to the genesis of the Greatest Love Story Ever Told, and it involves Joey Potter pretty much throwing her maidenhead at Maverick.  

Nabbing Tom Cruise a child bride and overseeing her subsequent religious conversion and fetal implantation, commandeering the infamous couch pouncing, supervising his one-man crusade against the dark art of psychiatry . . . yes, Cruise's sister Lee Anne DeVette has certainly had a banner year. We're sure none of this was the reason Cruise demoted her from publicity honcho to head of "charitable endeavors". In her place, Tom's hired a real professional grown-up company to handle his publicity needs: Paul Bloch, who also represents John Travolta, Sylvester Stallone, Billy Bob Thornton, Geena Davis, Priscilla and Lisa Marie Presley, Steve Bing, and Chris Tucker. Thrilling entertainment luminaries with sparkling public images all. Kudos to Cruise-os!  

There are a few things we know for sure about Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham: She has a face like Mr. Ed's long-lost bastard daughter, she could beat both Jessica Simpson and Catherine Zeta-Jones in a game of "Look how much empty space I have in my skull," and she has very fertile lady parts. The rest of these things are currently just conjecture: Vic may be knocked up again, her marriage may be nothing more than a surprisingly good acting performance, and she may be bowing down to our lord and savior, Xenu.  

You know how the news of Katie Holmes’s pregnancy made you want to get in the Wayback Machine with Mr. Peabody and Sherman and return to a time when babies were conceived during moments of pure lust that never involved a turkey baster? Well think of how Katie’s poor devoutly Catholic parents feel about their poor baby getting kidnapped by a cult and premaritally impregnated. They’re not friggin’ happy about it, that’s for sure.  

John Travolta and Kelly Preston have received the joyous news of the incubation of a brand new Scientologist, and they've graciously offered up a bit of parental guidance for Tom and Katie: a totally silent birth! No epidurals, no talking, no music, and no expressions of pain from the birthing mother. Sounds great! We at CelebNewsWire always make it a point to follow any advice that the Travolta is willing to toss our way, which is why we all work hard on our hair, and why we're living in a plastic bubble.  

Much like that dude you hooked up with at the Omega Xi All-You-Can-Drink Spina Bifida Benefit Jammy-Jam last month, Scientology is totally denying that they gave Katie Holmes the herp.  

Just when we’ve decided to completely wash our hands of Tom Cruise and his whole Liza Minnelli/David Gest shtick, he manages to charm the pants off of us once again through some sort of Scientology-patented mind-numbing midget stare. In today’s edition: Tommy believes in aliens, is confused by sex, and may have f-ed Rob Thomas of Matchbox 20.  

Scarlett Johansson is no fool. She knows what dinner with Tom Cruise and a room full of Scientologists means. And she can get her own boyfriends--and her own publicity--just fine by herself, thank you very much.  

Well, we've lost her.

Everyone's tried valiantly these past six weeks to extricate our lovely little buckeye from the diabolical clutches of the veneer-flashing, Oprah-chicken-fighting jagbag Tom Cruise. But she's gone. She's converted to Scientology (and recently stated, "I have looked into it [Scientology] myself and I really like it and I think it's really wonderful . . . I feel like I'm bettering myself."), and she's now under the control of a L. Ron drone "minder". She's lost her free will. Joey Potter's wings have been clipped. It's over.