• Angelina and Brad are reportedly adopting an Indian baby as we speak. Because African babies are soooo early-to-mid October 2k6.

• Please, for the love of all that is good and holy in this mortal world, will someone, anyone, shoot a tranq dart into Naomi Campbell's neck?

• Rush Limbaugh accuses Parkinson's sufferer Michael J. Fox of exaggerating his symptoms in a political ad, saying, "He is moving around and shaking, and it is purely an act." Seriously, dude! And remember when Christopher Reeve was tooling around in a wheelchair with a trach tube? Also totally all an act. Fucker was just lazy and tired of walking and breathing. Some Superman!

• DJ AM, aka Adam Goldstein, has moved on from Nicole Richie to nice Jewish girl Michelle Trachtenberg. His bubby is so pleased.

• For the reasonable price of $100,000, Paris Hilton will come to your New Year's Eve party 3 hours late, sit in a corner and text furiously on her Sidekick for 20 minutes, perhaps flash an assflap or two, then leave.

• Sandra Bullock had sexual intercourse on Sunday night.

• Federline the Younger is actually named Jayden James. SPF squared, we hardly knew ye.

• Tara Reid said that her nipples "looked like goose-shaped eggs". Not goose eggs. Eggs, shaped like geese. Nipples like thin shells with webbed feet and beaks and wings holding albumen and yolk. Yup. That's what Tara Reid's nipples looked like.  

Tara Reid had plastic surgery! And it was bad! This and other shockers (such as Teri Hatcher picks up her dry cleaning--but there's still a stain on her favorite blouse!) in the upcoming issue of Us Weekly.  

• Andy Dick chalks up the fact that people call him gay to everyone being jealous of him, and not him having sex with men.

• Kate Beckinsale says she'll never get plastic surgery. Despite the fact that her boobs were named the Ugliest in Hollywood.

• Madonna probably adopted a baby, for real this time, though. Toting around an African baby is the new Birkin bag!

• George Clooney says he'll never run for president because he's boffed too many ladies. Insert Clinton joke here, please.

• Amber Tamblyn's nip is Tumblyn out of her dress.

• Et tu, Rose McGowan?

• Finally, Johnny Depp to make an honest woman out of Vanessa Paradis! Hopefully she'll be able to get on his dental plan now.

• Lindsay Lohan says, "It's up to me and my mom to decide if I am partying too much." Ah, yes, nothing like that tender moment between mother and daughter, when Mom gently strokes Daughter's hair and says, "Beer BEFORE liquor, sweetheart. And coke before ecstasy. And Red Bull before semen."

• Dr. McDreamy gets McCreamed by McCastmate. We promise that's the only time you'll ever have to read the name "McDreamy" on these pages.

 

Hey, wait a minute! These aren't my breasts! I had huge fake knockers, which I paid very good American Pie money for, thank you very much, and someone has stolen them! Hey, you, over there, Mr. Police Officer Man, I'd like to report a crime. Yes, someone has stolen my breasts. They were here last night before I went out, got denied at Hyde, then Mood, then that biker bar in the Valley, then . . . ohmigod, what did I do then? I remember stopping by that 7-11 to pick up a couple bottles of that vodka that Damon Dash makes, then I was wandering around and realized I was near Dr. Bob's house, so I decided to pop in and . . . oh, nevermind, Mr. Police Officer Man. I know who has my boobies.  

My boobs used to be this big:



but my agent told me I needed to lose ten pounds, so I thought getting a boob reduction would be the easiest way. I can't go on a diet; do you know how many calories are in a Screaming Orgasm? It just wouldn't work.  

• Janet Jackson says that her sex life was great when she was fat, and that her Ewok lover Jermaine Dupri would "grab me, pull me around the stomach, look me in the eyes and say, 'This needs love too!'" And then he'd gently insert his penis into her stomach folds.

• Britney Spears reportedly had a tummy tuck following the birth of SPFsquared. Slowly inching closer and closer to Tara Reid territory (Taratory?).

• Little Aaron Carter is engaged! To a Playboy Playmate! Presumeably, his pneumatic bride-to-be has seen AARON CARTER SHIRTLESS.

• Safely ogle Kelly Brook in her underwear from the comfort of your own home, free from fear of retaliation at the hands of your friend Billy Zane.

• Lindsay Lohan is looking to move to England, most likely because the English are the only people who can drink her under the table.

• Jackass Steve-O tells us, in great detail, about the time he masturbated onto Nicole Richie's back. And then her semi-exposed spinal column recognized the protein content of the expelled liquid and, revolted at the idea of nourishment, quickly whipped the offending substance away from Richie's person.

• Courtney Love and Whitney Houston: not only are they recovering substance abusers, they both have names that end in -tney! BFFs!

• Paris takes advantage of Lindsay Lohan's absence; flirts with Harry Morton. When the exposed pussy lips are away, the skank will play.

• Asia Argento turns 31 today, and celebrates by picking G-string bikini bottoms out of her anus. Mazel tov!  

Yesterday we made fun of Jessica Simpson's resemblance to Daisy Duck. Sure, it was a low blow and we were a bit ashamed of it, but we stand by our assessment of the state of Jess's lips, even if it was just an odd expression. What we had forgotten about were the days of yore, lo, nine months ago, when Jessica's lips were inflated like a juicy pair of Italian beefs. But thankfully Jess has jogged our memory by admitting that it wasn't a jealous punch in the face by Ashlee or even an allergic reaction to Johnny Knoxville's teeny wiener that gave her the Rinna lips, but a nice dose of foreign matter pumped into her face.  

• Kevin Federline claims that on his GED, he got "amazing ass test scores." You know who else aced the amazing ass test? Heather Locklear (see above).

• Shamed superstar Mel Gibson fires up his Razr and sets out on the seemingly insurmountable task of personally apologizing to every Jew in the whole wide world.

• Lindsay Lohan is coming out with her own perfume. Exhaustion by Lindsay Lohan will smell softly of jasmine, raspberry vodka, and pink pepper with bottom notes of firecrotch musk.

• And there is no love lost between Lindsay and her Bobby costar William H. Macy, who says that she "should have her ass kicked." Not such a good idea, Macy, old chum. The ass might be your target of choice, but Lindsay apparently goes for the face.

• Cindy Crawford gets by with a little help from her friends. Her good friends Botox and Collagen.

• The Japanese have given the thumbs up to their previously censored Britney naked posters. Gee, you think the "banning" and "controversy" was only to drum up publicity? Nah.

• Pete Doherty: punched out a male nurse at rehab!

• Pete Doherty: also busted for cocaine in rehab! We don't know about you, but we're really starting to understand what a beautiful, wealthy, iconic supermodel would see in him. What a prize!

• His lyrical edge softened with age, contentment, and wealth, Bruce Springsteen makes a bid for authentic suffering by dumping redheaded wife for redheaded 9/11 widow.  

• Heidi Klum impregnated by Seal; expecting another flipper baby.

• Posh Spice to become godmother to Ginger Spice's baby daughter, Bluebell Spice. That's nice. When Bluebell needs advice on bulimia, tanning beds, and how to be a good trophy wife, she'll have a wealth of information at her fingertips.

• Yet MORE Toni Braxton nipples. You can put those things away now, honey.

• Nicole Kidman sends a case of beer to the paparazzi. We assume the reason for this was so that they wouldn't notice that her face has been freshly pulled, drawn up and over the back of her skull, and tacked into place for her upcoming nuptials.

• Robert Evans divorcing. Seventh time ain't the charm, apparently.

• Tera Patrick pics from FHM magazine. Which must stand for Fricking Humpable Mams.

• SNL's Andy Samberg gets Dunsted!

• Jen Love Hewitt's hugetits strapped in by nothing but a flimsy . . . Yoko Ono shirt?

• Michelle Rodriguez dreams of a relationship with Colin Farrell, but sadly, it can never be. Because he's not a girl.  

• Vida Guerra displays her ripe rump for mateworthy males in Playboy.

• Daryl Hannah "arrested for farm protest"? What the . . . ? What kind of sick person protests farming?

• Ashlee Simpson's in the new issue of Marie Claire talking about how women should embrace themselves no matter what size or shape and love their flaws. Accompanied by a nice pictorial spread of her showing off her new rhinoplasty, collagen-infused lips, and cantaloupe diet waistline.

• The other day, Britney, Kevin and Federspears the Younger were photographed together for the first time since March. Oh, they're definitely a loving couple fully committed to one another. We're convinced now.

• Paris and Lindsay fight over Stamos Nachos. They just can't get enough of his warm, cheesy goodness.

• Heather Mills McCartney, soon to be defrocked and downgraded to "Just Plain Heather Mills but a $200 million richer Heather Mills so f u very much", makes viewers sing, "Hey Boob/Don't be a prude/Take some naked pics/And make wangs bigger".

• Some kids like football, some kids like video games, some kids like Legos. Pam Anderson's sons' favorite toy is her stripper pole.

• Brittany Murphy may be tinier than a baby flea, but her rack can compete with the best of them.

• You know what isn't tiny? Screech from Saved by the Bell's weenis.

• Jennifer Aniston's got pokies. And she knows how to use 'em.  

Just when we thought Jessica Simpson was a cold, heartless, unfeeling celebubot, she proves us wrong by going to a psychiatrist to work through some mental issues. We thought that Papa Joe had taken care of those years ago, but apparently he left a couple emotion receptors intact when he was harvesting her soul.  

• Teri Hatcher deems her toes and nipples "suck-worthy". Just like her acting!

• Evangeline Lilly blames Hollywood for forcing her to get really, really buff.

• IF you want Rod Stewart's daughter's naked bo-dy, AND you think she's sex-y, COME on sugar, click right here.

• Ashlee Simpson begins her slow, painful metamorphosis into her sister. First, the nose. Then comes the Jackass copulating.

• Anna Nicole Smith climbed on top of an 89-year-old man, placed his shriveled, liver spotted member into her person, and is probably getting a billion dollars for the trouble. Now, possibly some dude has mounted Anna Nicole's shriveled, Trimspa-ravaged body, placed his member inside her person, impregnated her, and wants the ca$h. Ah, the circle of life.

• Dunstcrack! Dunstcrack! Dunstcrack! Dunstcrack!!!

• Eva Longoria talks about getting naked or doing it or something like that. In related news, bear shits in woods, Pope wears funny hat, etc. etc.

• Denise Richards tries to shake off the shit-stink of husbandstealing assholism, turning the tables on Heather Locklear, saying, "Heather knows why we aren’t friends.” Which sounds suspiciously like the now-classic "Nicole knows what she did."

 

• Large billboards instructing Katie Holmes to make like a silent, slow-moving three-toed sloth arrive at the Cruisian birth chamber. Chilling.

• And, according to the headline at FemaleFirst, she's about to deliver a bouncing baby iPod.

• Pam Mamderson is getting a little long in the tooth, and realizes that it isn't proper for mature women to bare their breasts. Instead, they wear see-through shirts. How positively demure!

• Star Jones babbles about her new boob job, Joy Behar tells her to shut her fat mouth, Star responds by calling Joy a bitch. Finally, a reason to watch The View.

• With those new fake lips, Jessica Simpson really makes an excellent Real Doll.

• Whoops, scratch that. Actually, Christina Aguilera makes the better inflatable hump toy.

• Madonna learns how to . . . c'mon! Krump! Let your body move to the music! Krump! Krump! Let your body go with the flow!

• Spawn of Affleck . . . revealed! Wait, where are its little horns, its eensy cloven feet?  

• Lil' Kim's leaky-ass fake yams need stop in the pit to be oiled, lubed, and rotated.

• Lindsay Lohan's Long Island ho buddies post pictures of the teen queen flipping the bird, boozing it up, hanging with Moss, making the international symbol for cunnilingus, and posing next to a bong and possibly a chopped-up coke line. Damn you again, MySpace!

• Slightly older pictures, but Natalie Portman nippage is forever newsworthy, do you not agree?

• Person you've never heard of likens Keira Knightley's torso to "two aspirins on an ironing board". We love the English! That almost beats Noel Gallagher's "Zorro on doughnuts" simile of yore. Almost.

• Said aspirin are in talks to hawk warpaint for Chanel.

• Does Tom Hanks make Fergie look more feminine, or is it the other way around?

• Dreamgirls producers are terrified that Beyonce's ass will bust through costumes, Kool-Aid Man style. Ohhhh yeaaaaah!  

• Apparently, you can steal cars and shoot heroin and get arrested 20 times a month and yet never see the inside of a jail cell. We're totally moving to the UK. It's like Eden, or Honah-Lee. Only with more crack.

• Speaking of drugs, Teri Hatcher admits to doing a little recreational Botox. Uh, no shit?

• The year was 1984, and an unsullied, very young and fresh-faced Whitney Houston was given the old Serge Gainsbourg treatment on French television. If only she had been seduced by the wiles of a drunken, aged French lothario instead of a cracked-out faded R&B loser.

• Apparently, being used as Jackson Browne's personal punching bag wasn't enough for Daryl Hannah, and she's now romancing Brad Renfro, an admitted junkie about 43 years younger than her. Some people are just gluttons for punishment.

• A better shot of Paris's upskirt shot from the other day. You can actually see her anus devouring her underdrawers!

• Vanna White gets the ole Pussycat Dolls treatment. And actually, she looks pretty awesome. For 73.

• Some dude puts the kibosh on that whole "Charlize Theron as Dusty Springfield clam-slamming Kate Moss in Ang Lee movie" rumor. And we hate him for it.

• Young Hermione Granger mistakes Corona with lime for butterbeer; gets wasted, fails OWLs, and is forced into a life of peddling her feminine wares in the shadowy recesses of Knockturn Alley.  

• Posh Spice teaches us how to dress for seduction. Is the secret tan-in-a-can, fake lips like a couple of BMX tires, and robohooters? Because we're one step ahead of you, Posh.

• Posh is also planning on writing a children's book. Just as soon as she learns how to write.

• There are never enough headlines that include the words "Kate Beckinsale" and "ass".

• Wow. Sienna Miller's doing a really, really, really, really bad job of channeling Edie Sedgwick. Really bad.

• Eva Longoria and Jamie Foxx, also known as the two most irritatingly overrated stars in the cosmos, might have hooked up. Good. Maybe they'll fall in love and go live in the bottom of the sea somewhere.

• Drew Barrymore and her huge snoobs are awesome. Don't hate. Congratulate.

• Brad and Angelina's golden fetus says, "Does this ultrasound make me look fat?"

• You know it's a slow gossip day when this is the headline of the day.

• William Shatner's nugget of crystallized urine builds houses for the underprivileged. Yeah, you heard us.

• Howard Stern admits to having a little plastic surgery. We thought his tits were looking particularly fabulous lately.  

Apple Martin, the fruit (haw!) of Gwyneth Paltrow's loins, rendered the fruit (guffaw!) of her mother's chest twisted, hideous, misshapen, sagging, eye-singeingly deformed. Thanks a bundle, Apple, you ungrateful little shit.  

Sharon Osbourne (OMG we totally remember her!) is reportedly getting her cans cut back down to C-size after recently getting gigantic breast implants, presumably so Ozzy could be able to locate them with his gnarled, dithering hands.  

Some entries need no introduction. Especially when we're too lazy to write one, and you're not going to read it anyway. So click on the little spot that says "more" for some tit chat.  

Hefty-hootered Mimi Rogers says that she couldn't blame dudes for staring at her pre-surgically-reduced cans. Before we go on, please keep in mind that this is a woman to whom Tom Cruise was married and to whom he refused sex, stating that he wanted "to be a monk". Seriously. Just keep that in mind.  

Michael Douglas is 60. In Hollywood, this doesn't normally matter--that's about the age when its male stars film a string of romantic comedies opposite your Amanda Peets or your Heather Grahams. But Mike is married to notorious shrieking harridan Catherine Zeta-Jones, who is probably just now realizing that although those Douglas dollars are still fun to spend, the fella she married is well on his way to the bloated, saggy land of salt-n-pepper 'nad hair, so the Wall Street star had himself a good old-fashioned face lift.  

Wee Teri Hatcher is red in the face proclaiming the realness of her jugs to anyone who'll listen. We like to imagine Teri in her trailer on the Desperate Housewives set, seething with jealousy when Nicolette Sheridan was blasted with plastic surgery rumors, shaking her fist and muttering, "Two can play at that game, Knots Landing's Paige Matheson. Muahahahaha!"  

Is this:
A. Eric Stoltz in a still from Mask
B. A doll who met with an unfortunate accident involving an E-Z-Bake Oven
C. Liberace in drag
D. None of the above

Pencils down, everyone! Answer after the cut!