Sharon Stone recently skipped out on an AIDS benefit after she claimed that a Barbie doll that had been made in her image specifically for the event looked "nothing" like her. Which means the plastic doll's breasts turned out more lifelike than hers.  

• Angelina and Brad are reportedly adopting an Indian baby as we speak. Because African babies are soooo early-to-mid October 2k6.

• Please, for the love of all that is good and holy in this mortal world, will someone, anyone, shoot a tranq dart into Naomi Campbell's neck?

• Rush Limbaugh accuses Parkinson's sufferer Michael J. Fox of exaggerating his symptoms in a political ad, saying, "He is moving around and shaking, and it is purely an act." Seriously, dude! And remember when Christopher Reeve was tooling around in a wheelchair with a trach tube? Also totally all an act. Fucker was just lazy and tired of walking and breathing. Some Superman!

• DJ AM, aka Adam Goldstein, has moved on from Nicole Richie to nice Jewish girl Michelle Trachtenberg. His bubby is so pleased.

• For the reasonable price of $100,000, Paris Hilton will come to your New Year's Eve party 3 hours late, sit in a corner and text furiously on her Sidekick for 20 minutes, perhaps flash an assflap or two, then leave.

• Sandra Bullock had sexual intercourse on Sunday night.

• Federline the Younger is actually named Jayden James. SPF squared, we hardly knew ye.

• Tara Reid said that her nipples "looked like goose-shaped eggs". Not goose eggs. Eggs, shaped like geese. Nipples like thin shells with webbed feet and beaks and wings holding albumen and yolk. Yup. That's what Tara Reid's nipples looked like.  

Step right up, folks, and witness CelebNewsWire's Celebrity House of Freaks, featuring all manner of abnormalities from lands far and wide. Thrill to the sight of Chyna and her miniature penis. Oooh and aaah over Kate Bosworth's sixty-pound frame--not one ounce of body fat on that one, folks. But first, marvel at our very special exhibit--Paris Hilton's ass goiter.  

Like the mythical Yeti of yore, Suri No Middle Name Cruise roams the land silently and stoically under the cover of night, emerging only to feed and mingle briefly with Scientology-approved thespians. Sightings of the mysterious infant have increased tenfold, in a highly crop-circle-style fashion, in the last month, and this past weekend Suri experienced that milestone in every celebrity child's life: her first industry party!  

We long ago gave up trying to decipher Lindsay Lohan's motives. From boffing Brett Ratner to smoking the wizz on Space Mountain, we've simply decided to accept all of Lindsay's questionable actions as charmingly youthful folly. But wearing what appears to be flesh-colored Warner's undergear as acceptable party dress is a real head-scratcher:



Then we heard the party was being thrown by Jeremy Piven, and it all came together.  

For a while all the news involving Lindsay Lohan centered around bitchy catfights, her vagina's revolving-door policy, and the sundry men making use of that policy. Frankly we got a little sick of it. She's fighting, she's fucking, she's fighting, she's fucking. One can only take so much. Thankfully the past week has brought us Lindsay in bikini after bikini (featuring her newly regrown rack), smoking up at Disneyland, and giving fake blowjobs on camera. We would prefer real blowjobs in our living room but, hey, we're not picky.  

Continuing our 1990 theme, creepy cornrowed Guns n' Roses singer Axl Rose got into a kerfuffle with wiggerwear designer Tommy Hilfiger at actress Rosario Dawson's birthday party. Hilfiger bitchslapped Rose, who responded by leaning in and saying, "You know where you are? You're in the jungle, Tommy. You're gonna diiiieeeeeee."  

And since Lindsay Lohan can't restrain herself to just one public bitchfest per week, we bring you news of her verbal sparring match with Danny Masterson. Wait, who's he again? That one guy from Malcolm in the Middle? No, that's his brother. He's greasy, always scowls, loves L. Ron like Whitney loves her crack pipe, dates that one skeezy bitch. Taryn Manning? No. Brittany Murphy? No. Oh, yeah, Bijou Phillips. How could we forget Bijou, queen on the skanks? Sorry, girl, you knows we luvs ya. Oh, and he was on That '70s Show. And we don't mean B.J. and the Bear.  

Uma: Ever since I turned thirty-five, the alcohol burns my throat when I swallow. But luckily I've figured out a way to intake liquids through my nipple. See, all I have to do is wear a really low-cut dress when I attend a function and I can usually find a corner to duck into and I just plop the puppy out and hoover a cosmo into my tit. I've already had five tonight. That's why they're so huge.
Guy: Yeah, I'm just going to stand here all night and wait for her hooter to get thirsty again. Whatever it takes, I'm going to see those glorious gazongas before I leave this party.  

Despite this entry's title, we will not be discussing Paris Hilton after a bout of heavy substance-injesting, leading Stamos Nachos to her pink boudoir, yanking down his pants, and making a ham-handed grab for a bedknob. Apologies.  

• Maggie Gyllenhaal's been impregnated by, and is now engaged to, Peter Sarsgaard. Congrats, Gaardhaal.

• We told you about Sienna Miller supposedly being snapped doing some career-threateningly embarrassing cavorting at a VF party. Here are the pics. BFD.

• Kristanna Loken: if you're Loken for an upskirt shot, you've found one.

• Jennifer Love Hewitt says that Fez is a dirty liar and that she absolutely did not take a ride on his baloney pony.

• Keri Russell, NAKED in a magazine. However, it's Vanity Fair, so there's no real Felicity felititty.

• Women want Kelly Brook's body. They want her body baaad.

• Paris Hilton shows off her sultry pipes. And for once, we're not talking about her poon chasm.

• That little girl from Pete and Pete is now a plumber.

• Mariah Carey's foxy ex-boyfriend upgrades to Cindy Crawford. She's planning on leaving her husband and moving into her new love's refrigerator box in Shantytown, USA.  

The upcoming issue of Vanity Fair is rumored to contain some interesting photos of Sienna Miller "cavorting drunkenly with bit-part actress Tara Summers, having her foot nibbled by her pal and hitching up her dress while waving her bare legs in the air," spurring various folks to grab their pearls and gasp about her damaged reputation. Huh. Might this have something to do with VF's latest offering being "The Green Issue", rumored to be . . . uh . . . boring? Vanity Fair, you should be ashamed at making Sienna Miller your fall guy. There's only one fall guy around here, and his name is Lee Majors. Don't you forget it.  

We missed this one yesterday because we were a bit occupied scanning those Kate Bosworth pics with a magnifying glass and a high-intensity flashlight, but Gina Gershon showed up at the Vanity Fair Oscar party in a see-through dress. Sure, we've seen her bazooms a million times before, but we're never one to look a gift nip in the mouth. So enjoy.  

We here at CelebNewsWire don't have many scruples (we were never very good at that game); if Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's baby was born with Downs Syndrome, a shrunken head on an enlarged body, and both sets of genitalia, we wouldn't hesitate to laugh our asses off. But the one thing we refuse to do is make fun of Mariah Carey. We have stood by her through thick and thin (har har), and now she's going to prove to the rest of you that she's not fat, she's fierce--one ass grab at a time.  

• Mariah Carey ensures that she will never receive a free Chanel dress ever again.

• Why, hello, M&Ms stuck in Jennifer Lopez's dress. Nice to see you.

• Speaking of small round candies and boobs . . .

• Beyonce once jiggled her jelly so damn hard that her entire dress fell off. Guess she didn't see that ragtag group of young men with oversized novelty magnets who sewed her garment with metal thread.

• Lindsay Lohan dresses up as Diane Keaton, Liza Minnelli, and Liz Taylor. Gay male plotzing TK.

• Tom Sizemore has been sent back to rehab. Also, the sun rose today.

• Ya can't shine shit: MK and Ashley Olsen are all gussied up and shilling for Badgley Mischka. Funny how chimpanzees in $5,000 frocks are still chimpanzees.

• Britney took her baby Sean to the emergency room because he was constipated. Now, we're no Dr. Spock or nuthin', but maybe, just maybe, if she stopped giving him tubes of nacho bacon E-Z Cheez in lieu of bottles, this wouldn't happen.

• And maybe Brit should lay off the aerosol delicacies herself.

• Poor Nikki Cox learns that when you agree to marry a professional guest star, you lose your livelihood. And your breasts.

• PETA activists threw flour on Paris Hilton as she entered a London fashion week party. They then battered and deep-fried her and enjoyed her with some honey BBQ dippin' sauce. Just kidding, that's not vegan.  

Did last week's heart wrenching story of Lindsay Lohan's asthma attack and subsequent hospitalization have you wondering, "How could a healthy young lady who eats upwards of 400 calories a day and keeps her nasal passages clear with a cleaning substance somewhat like Comet end up in the hospital?" Could it have been lots of pretty-people fucking with Leonardo Dicaprio? Yep. Could have been.  

So, for your work Christmas party, your company rented out your town's Chili's and bought everyone a pile of Awesome Blossoms and sour appletinis. Mr. Bossman presented everyone with a lovely pair of Isotoner slipper socks, and then Craig from Facilities and Barb from Marketing totally frenched in the parking lot after a round of Bahama Mama shooters. A good time was had by all, and you've been bragging about the craziness ever since. Well, we're sorry to have to be the ones to break it to you, but the cast of Rescue Me have one-upped you, and one-upped the Awesome Blossom and the Isotoners and yes, even the frenching. Big time, buddy. Big time.  

Carmen Electra would like to take some time out from her busy schedule of considering humping strangers for cash to warn all her sisters out there to make sure their skirts aren't tucked into their g-strings. Her words of sartorial wisdom have already saved us from accidental anal exposure twice this morning. Hey, we have flowing skirts and tiny bladders! Don't you judge us.  

So you think you're hot shit in a champagne glass because your dad got the kids from the local high school who had a Foreigner cover band play your bar mitzvah? Well, one Elizabeth Brooks from Long Island has totally faced your ass because her defense contractor daddy, David H. Brooks, shelled out several million to secure some serious talent for his daughter's womanly celebration. We're talking 50 Cent, we're talking Tom Petty, we're talking Ciara, Don Henley, Stevie Nicks, Kenny G, Joe Walsh, and DJ AM. Because, you know, if there's anything in the world 13-year-old girls love, it's Kenny G and Don Henley.