You may think that Britney Spears looks like one of Rover's especially big turds that's been run over by your neighbor's Suburban and warmed in the afternoon sun, but Kevin Federline thinks she's as sexy as two lesbians in a hot tub full of whipped cream. And if he has to cover all the mirrors in the house with life-size pictures of Angelina Jolie to make Brit believe she's still got it, then he's gonna do it.  

In case the 7,534,115 interviews about her dramatic! weight! loss! and the 53,499,302 magazine spreads of her cupping her choco-beans didn't clue you in, Janet Jackson is back, people! And in her new video for "So Excited", she proves she's back by . . . showing off her dramatic weight loss and cupping her breasts! However, she might also, possibly, maybe, be slipping a hint of nip as well. Whip out your reading glasses, jeweler's loupe, and protractor, because after the cut, we have exclusive pics.  

• Macaulay Culkin and Mila Kunis star in the action-packed thriller Escape!!! From the Holy Land!

• Ex-supermodel/ex-Rod Stewart concubine Rachel Hunter shows her punters on the beach. Stacy's mom has got it goin' on.

• Do you want to watch Jessica Simpson gulp down a phallic mouthful of creamy, fluffy froth? You probably do, sure.

• Kirsten Dunst brings in da noize, brings in da fug.

• Christina Aguilera's breasts are covered in this fetching golf-style ensemble, but the scoop neck still manages to caress and cradle them gently, yet conspicuously. Well done!

• Leah Remini says that Suri Cruise is totally real and has dark hair. Katie Holmes is spotted with curiously plasticine blonde baby-like figure. Someone's a lying sack of turds.

• Lance Bass and Reichen Lehmkuhl: "If you're Lance Bass, and you're going to the gayest town on the gayest day of the year and going to gay parties, you have to expect something."

• That bandeau bikini top is no match for the speckled flesh globules resting upon Lindsay Lohan's upper chestal region.

• Justin Timberlake is desperate for street cred. Who's bad?  

• Jessica Simpson has lost the part of Lucy Ewing in the upcoming Dallas movie because movie bosses are concerned she'd out-diva the biggest diva on the set, John Travolta. Oooops, we meant to say Jennifer Lopez. Did we really say "John Travolta"? How silly of us.

• So who ended up winning that coveted Lucy Ewing role? Katie Cassidy, daughter of Partridge Family teen dreamboat David. Pictures here. "Rock Heiress". That's funny.

• Mischa Barton on the beach, in a bikini. New! Improved! Now with 100% less Nicole Richie!

• Gwyneth Paltrow is "cutting" some "hot tracks" in the studio, possibly for an album. Nothing could ever top the bunny-soft, bun-numbing pap-rock track "Cruisin'" she recorded with Huey Lewis. Why bother?

• Star Jones: FIRED from The View! Barbara Walters: BETRAYED! Joy Behar: GLEEFUL! Al Reynolds: Gay as a garden party! Us: bored and hungry. You got any Pop Tarts or Li'l Hugs?

• Jessica Simpson's new video involves Christina Applegate, Christina Milian, Eva Longoria, a terry-cloth romper, and roller skates. Sweet, it's just like the Dire Straits "Skateaway" video, only with famous broads. Yayyyy!

• Britney: evil purple sea witch? Yes.

• Well, Kate Beckinsale and her husband certainly look very together, after all.

• Lindsay says, "I did not have sexual intercourse with . . . that man. Mr. McFly."

• Someone stop Sharon Stone before she adopts again!  

Brittany Murphy has recorded a song for DJ Paul Oakenfold's new album. Brittany Murphy has filmed a video for said song. We went here and watched the video. The video confused us.

The grainy, black-and-white video. The abundance of black spandex. The lamé. The alley cat cheekily baring his fangs (rowrr!). The hoop earrings, the backup dancers doing pelvic thrusts in a grimy back alley. The huge, flowing, honey-blonde hair. The beret.

It's Taylor Dayne!

Oh, they've tried to confuse us with the belted black strapless lycra get-up and make us think that was Jody Watley, but the lack of brim on her kicky chapeau, coupled with the fact that she is Caucasian, points to Dayne. Welcome back, Taylor!  

• Jennifer Aniston is moving to Chicago. We can't wait to run into her in the health and beauty aisle at Jewel!

• Piper Perabo lowers herself to date former pill-popper/Friends friend Matthew Perry. Move over TomKat and Brangelina, here's . . . Pipthew Perrybo?

• Our #1 deity, Mariah Carey, teams up with Snoop, shoots a video, mounts a mesa of Vuitton luggage, wears very little clothing.

• Salma Hayek chortles when confronted with Colin Farrell's weenis. Understandable.

• Portman pokies, redux!

• If your daughter were Tori Spelling, wouldn't you sue her too? Just for fun?

• K-Fed hates the Pavarotti, loves his kids and wife, raps about it in hot new tune on MySpace. This one's for the haters. Fuck the media.

• Pink's special surprise for her husband is reportedly a "12ft pole to be erected in her dressing room". But the bigger surprise is that said pole is being erected in her pants! Because she's a man, see.

• Aerosmith's Steven Tyler is about to undergo surgery for an "undisclosed medical condition". Lip reduction? Eyeliner tattoos? Scarfectomy?  

Mariah Carey is not a diva. You got that, world? So please stop calling her one. And if you happen to see her being carried around a video set being fanned by cabana boys and slowly fed grapes one by one, she’s not being a diva, it’s just because her feet hurt, so lay off, willya?  

Christian love is a beautiful thing. It's like a warm, golden, heterosexual light beaming down from the open hands of Jesus into one's heart, filling them with selfless adoration for all God's creatures: from the mighty elephant down to the lowly crack whore. Just no sluts. Definitely not sluts. Sorry, Jessica Simpson.  

See Jessica. See Jessica jiggle. Jiggle, Jessica, jiggle!