Someday you will ache like I ache . . . in the crotch!



It's Courtney Love naked in Pop magazine!  

GQ must've felt a little bad for old gal Lindsay Lohan. All the other starlets snapped up every other magazine's superlatives--ScarJo was named Esquire's Sexiest Woman, Jessica Alba nabbed the title of Most Kissable, and Beyoncé has the Best Booty. So the good folks at GQ created "Obsession of the Year" just for Lindsay, which is kind of akin to winning the "Positive Mental Attitude" award at cheerleading camp after "Prettiest Legs" and "Whitest Smile" have already been doled out.  

You guys know about Shark Week, right? It's the week of nonstop Discovery Channel programming all about the vicious, sharp-toothed, slippery killers lurking under the sea. Children and frat boys alike look forward to Shark Week like it was Christmas. Here at CNW it seems that we are unwittingly experiencing our own version of Shark Week. We call it Lesbian Week. First the (false) rumor that Eva Longoria and Beyoncé would be doing the coot-scootin' boogie in a movie, and now that possibly very real rumor that actresses Kristanna Loken and Michelle Rodriguez are embroiled in a lesberado romance. If this were shark week, you'd be donning shark-fin hats and noshing on Goldfish crackers. Since this is Lesbian Week, you should put on your vagina hats and snack on . . . uh . . . vaginas.  

It's official: For every day until the end of time (or at least until Britney's demise in a bizarre poisoned hair-extension accident) you will encounter a minimum of three gossip items concerning Britney Spears and/or Kevin Federline. Today, Kevin allegedly tries to sell a sex tape, but if that falls through he'll always have that intriguing surveillance footage from his car, and Vogue turns down free pics of Jayden.  

Kevin Federline must have done some pretty shitty things to his soon-to-be ex-wife, because Britney wants him living on the street begging for change and Fubu gear. We haven't seen Brit's dogs in a while; maybe Kevin heard purse pooches provide a better high than shrooms and tried to stuff them in his bong and smoke them.  

This is a picture of Brad Pitt on the cover of the December issue of Vanity Fair. He's wet, he's in his underwear, and he's f-ing pissed. That's right. While Brad Pitt is screwing every red-blooded American man's fantasy, he is getting mad that bored and dissatisfied women are picturing him in his wet, partially see-through drawers instead of focusing on how badly their schlumpy and inattentive husband needs to trim his back hair. God, Brad, you are so selfish.  

If the increasing prevalence of these internet "blog" thingies has taught us anything, it's that all women are ugly. No, really. Post a picture of Kate Moss or Anne Hathaway or Jessica Alba and within seconds, you will have six dozen people scrambling for their keyboards to express their disgust in regards to the picture. If you can make out one pore, she "has repulsive cystic acne." If you can't, she's "over-airbrushed." If her eyebrows aren't tiny, skinny lines, she "has a fucking monobrow! Sick!" Butts are too flat, ears are too misshapen, and the nipples, oh, sweet Christ, the nipples. The internet has taught us that all women's nipples are monstrous and should be hidden from view at all costs, lest they inspire a veritable deluge of regurgitation.

But we're throwing down the gauntlet here. Challenging y'all. We dare you--nay, we triple dog dare you--to find something objectionable about these "Sexiest Woman Alive" pictures of Scarlett Johansson from Esquire.

 

Scarlett Johansson has jumped on Sienna Miller's nonmanogamy gravy train, saying that humans are basically animals. While it doesn't have the same charming ring to it as Sienna's "we're all fucking animals," remember that Scarlett is widely recognized for her class and poise and will gladly leave the bestiality to barbarians like Miller.  

Usually, when we post pictures of actresses in various states of undress, we end up using garishly-lit paparazzi photos that include unflattering angles, disheveled clothing, armpit stubble, and such and such. But we only do that for you, the reader. We at CelebNewsWire are not boorish curs like the rest of you. We have class and style and grace. We wear antique cufflinks and use monogrammed hankies and secret our opium away in the ivory knob of our walking stick. And that's why today, we'd like to class it up with these pictures of Dita Von Teese and Scarlett Johansson lezzing out for Flaunt magazine.

 

The other week, we warned you that Buffy star Mercedes McNab was going to pose for Playboy. The pictures are now out, and so are Mercedes's breasts. And if you are hurting for twenty cents, today is your lucky day, because her nipples are the size of dimes.  

Guess Sienna Miller has made peace with the fact that her pygmy-donged paramour, Jude Law, screwed his children's nanny while he and Sienna were engaged. She recently admitted to Rolling Stone:

"Monogamy is a weird thing to me. It's overrated because, let's face it, we're all fucking animals."

Listen, Sienna, we don't know what you and Jude do behind closed doors with kangaroos, naked mole rats, and other fauna, but don't drag the rest of us into your sick world.
After the cut, Sienna angers an entire major metropolitan area.  

Scarlett Johansson has been named Esquire magazine's "Sexiest Woman Alive". Jessica Alba nabbed the title of "Most Kissable" by readers of The Sun. And Beyoncé's buns are wearing a little crown today, as they've been deemed "Best Booty" by the discerning readers of In Touch Weekly. Which begs the question: who possesses the sexiest and most kissable ass? Did we just blow your mind?  

In today's very special edition of shit you've seen a million times before we will be featuring the nipple-slipping stylings of Pam "Mrs. Kid Rock" Anderson and another version of Janet Jackson's niche specialty, showing off her bazooms while conspicuously covering the nipples--cause she's a modest lady, after all.  

Britney Spears has realized that there can only be one fat diva in town and she's not quite committed enough to outweigh Aretha Franklin and has abandoned her pop career for a new calling: celebrity publicist. Specifically, her own. Brit has fired flack Leslie Sloane Zelnick (or Sloan Zelnik or Sloane-Zelnik or . . . hey, celebs, help us out; we can spell Grubman.) in favor of handling her own publicity. Which isn't as horrific a move as one would think, considering Zelnick's track record with number-one client Lindsay Lohan.  

It's been a long, hard almost five months since little Suri No Middle Name Cruise donned sunglasses and BVDs and sock-slid out of Katie Holmes's rent-a-womb to the strains of "Old Time Rock and Roll". It's been speculated that she's actually Chris Klein's baby, that Katie was never pregnant and wore a prosthetic baby belly, that Suri was hideously deformed. Well, to all the naysayers: Tom and Katie have finally ponied up that enigmatic baby for all to see:



Surprise #1: she's adorable. Surprise #2: she does look quite a bit like Katie. But before you start with your "That baby looks Asian! That baby looks way older than four and a half months! Boy, that line of Marie Osmond porcelain dolls sure is lifelike!", read our conspiracy theory under the cut. We feel it makes much more sense.  

• "Eva Longoria Loves Facials". Yep, that sounds about right.

• My Gwen Stefani doll can beat up your Peaches N' Cream Barbie.

• Still no word on whether or not Lohan is engaged to Harry "Pink Taco" Morton, but she's sporting an '80s-style pear-cut diamond that Alexis Carrington herself would find distasteful.

• Kelly Clarkson was embarrassed to learn that she owned the same pink convertible as a porn star. The fact that she actually owns a pink convertible is much more embarrassing, however.

• Brittany Murphy exits club, gets propositioned for some tuna taco tangoing, signs autographs, lets us look down her shirt. Now that's multitasking.

• Eva Mendes's bare ass in Flaunt magazine. You heard us. That's right. Believe it. Flaunt magazine! Seriously!

• Kate Bosworth and Orlando Bloom broke up. Again. If a walking Chupa Chups lollipop and a crustachioed eunuch can't make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us?

• An idea we wish we'd thought of: Gossip Blog Wars.

• Kate Moss + underwear = server crash. Way to get your kit off, bird! Pip pip! Tut tut! Tally ho! Cheerio!  

Four months ago we were all like, "Suri, Suri, where's Suri? Gotta see Suri. Have to inspect her for gills or scales or a prehensile tail. C'mon, where's Suri. We've gotta see her. Show us the Suri!" But now that the moment is upon us and we are mere hours away from Suri's unveiling, we're not so interested anymore. You've played with our emotions for too long, Tom, and we won't kowtow to your publicity stunts any longer. Plus, by this point we're pretty sure Suri bears no resemblance to Godzilla, Mothra, or Rodan. Pretty sure.  

Posters depicting Britney Spears in her naked, heavy with with baby pose from last month's Bazaar have been censored in the subways of Japan, for being "too stimulating". This, from a country that was the birthplace of bukkake and tentacle porn.  

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher seem to have disappeared off the face of the planet following their September 2005 nuptials. In a new interview with Details, Ashton gives some insights into what exactly it is that he's been up to for the past year. And it seems that what he's been up to is accessorizing. Playing the Jimmy Choos to Demi's Dior dress, acting as the Harry Winstons to her Vera Wang.  

OK, so Eva Longoria's publicist is denying a few rumors about her love life that have appeared in the press recently. "Great," we thought. "That right there is the stuff of titillation! Let us dip our quills in the proverbial inkwell and get started, post haste!" Then we stared at the blank computer screen for twenty minutes, trying to think of an Eva Longoria joke we haven't already beaten into the ground with bloodied clubs. So instead we'll post pictures of Eva in the lastest issue of Maxim, Photoshopped to smoothed-out, stretched-out perfection so that Joe Fratguy can safely manually stimulate his genitals to it without being reminded of the fact that human females have pubic hair, pores, ankle bones, and creases at the knee.

 

Remember that girl who sat behind you in tenth-grade chem lab who was kind of sweet and pretty, but then halfway through the year she got mixed up with a totally scuzzy twenty-three-year-old boyfriend who led her to lots of drugs and trouble and then one day she disappeared and you heard that she'd went into prostitution and got knocked up by her dealer? Then a couple years later you ran into her in the shampoo aisle at Target and she looked really good, clean and happy and pulled together, and her kid had turned out rather cute and she said she'd quit drugs and found a nice guy who worked at a bank and he loved her and adopted the kid and loved him as his own? This is that girl:

Except in this case she hasn't met the banker yet and is still with the scuzzy boyfriend.  

As you know, in fazhion, one day yoah in yoah clothes, ze next day, yoah OUT of zem.

 

Each morning we sit at our desk (or artfully stacked milk crates, to be truly accurate) and think to ourselves, "We've lent too much space to Lindsay Lohan this week. What more could she possibly have to offer us?" Well, since we asked, she gave us a little upskirt action (very au courant) and some bare ass. Bravo, Lohan, bravo.  

If you purchase a Bentley, you are going to go out and you are going to drive the shit out of it in front of as many people as possible. You are not going to be like Cameron Frye's dad and hide that thing in a glass garage in the wilds of Chicago's North Shore. Similarly, if you pay a highly regarded personal trainer top dollar to melt away the flab you piled on while stressed about your brother being a kid-toucher, you're gonna show those washboard abs off. Naked. In Vibe magazine. And by "you" we mean "Janet". Miss Rack-son if you're nasty.  

• Suri No Middle Name Cruise pictures might finally appear soon . . . in Vanity Fair! Hopefully on the cover, wrapped in swaddling clothes, using Scarlett Johansson's ass crack as a manger.

• Bryce Dallas Howard is baking up a big batch of baby.

• Kate Bosworth ate! Ate cigarettes, water, and lettuce. Baby steps, people.

• Pam from The Office becomes Pam from The Duff-ass.

• When Janet Jackson wants her water cold, she wants her water cold, dammit. Also, yes, she did feel that pea placed under her 12 mattresses last night.

• Newly-separated Dave Navarro is dating newly-separated Jenna Jameson. And she's now #1 on his MySpace Top 8, so you know it's love.

• Jen and Vince: engaged! Whhheeeeeeee! Yayyyyy! Whoooo! Who gives a crap! All riiiiight!

• Robin Williams is in rehab. Body hair rehab, we hope.

• Sienna Miller dons dirty pink cowboy boots, a wedding dress, a red Cleopatra wig, and an exposed upskirt cotton panty look. Indeed, she is truly the fashion icon of our time.  

• K-Fed and Britney want to launch a non-false tabloid Magazine of Truth that doesn't tell any lies or nasty rumors or fun stuff about celebrities. Sorry to piss in your lemonade, but that already exists. It's called People.

• Jessica Simpson's mother does not agree with Papa Joe's willingness to pimp her out. Jessica responds by donning a semi-sheer dress. Nations rejoice, war and poverty and crime end.

• Heath Ledger: what a joker.

• Most actresses like to don an expensive, tasteful, and stunning designer gown to their post-wedding reception. Pam Anderson wears a skipper hat, a $12.99 bikini from Fashion Bug, and naked nipples.

• In some circles, Tom Cruise's crotch is known as The Punisher. Poor Katie Holmes has certainly suffered enough as a result of it.

• And is Tom about to ensnare K-Hole as his legal baby-baking concubine? If oversized planters and outdoor chandeliers are any indication of a Scientological spirit-uniting ceremony (and they certainly should be), then yes.

• What's more entertaining than a Mel Gibson mugshot? Pictures of Mel Gibson, well into his cups, manhandling strange women mere hours before said mugshot.

• Would you like to see Lindsay Lohan's box? Oh, wait, we meant "Lindsay Lohan boxing". So sorry.

• Speaking of Lohan, and nipples, and transparent apparel: Lindsay aped Jessica and ponied up some vague nip. Or did Jessica ape Lindsay? No matter--we're all winners here.  

We love Heidi Klum. Not like that writer for Gilmore Girls loves Heidi Klum, but more in a we-wish-we-could-share-our-popsicle-with-her kind of way. (And, yes, we do realize that the last sentence sounded extremely dirty, but we swear we meant an actual popsicle.) But you know what we love more than Heidi Klum? A partially naked Heidi Klum. Like this:



Can't you just hear her saying, As you know, in Heidi Klum you're either in or you're out.  

Denise Richards has taken some time out from her busy best-friend-husband-stealing and Sheen-avoiding schedule to pose naked for next month's issue of Jane magazine. To prepare for the bare-all shoot, Denise says that she did not embark on any sort of special exercise regimen, nor did she diet. In fact, according to the star, "I ate my face off." While it's true that when an exceedingly attractive star poses in the raw, the area one's attention is most likely to be focused upon is her body, no one wants to see said star with a perfect, oiled-up physique topped off by the raw, featureless, ragged and bloody flesh revealed after she consumed her own mug.  

Hey, look, it's an outtake from Britney Spears's naked pregnant Bazaar photo shoot.

Yeah, it's pretty flattering and yeah, it's kind of hot, but keep in mind that upwards of 200 people worked for a week and a half to airbrush and Photoshop and CGI-ify her into the pure, poreless, slick plane of virtual reality girl you see before you, so if you are sexually excited by this photo, you probably also like to masturbate while watching the hypersurreal beings of the hit holiday film The Polar Express.  

• Jessica Simpson, in a bikini, on vacation. She's taking great care to conceal her crotch behind various objects, which can only mean one thing: BABY BUMP! Just kidding, she probably forgot to shave.

• Ever wonder what goes on behind the closed doors at a high-powered meeting in which executives get together with the Olsen twins to discuss their next line of clothing/cosmetics/cereal/handbags? Tareytons, is what. Cartons and cartons and cartons of Tareytons.

• Take a stick of raw linguine, dye it paper-bag brown, glue a Crystal Barbie wig to the top of it and two half coconut shells halfway down, and what do you get? Victoria Beckham.

• Jennifer Ellison wears panties that show her clam. Her pussyclam.

• Big fluffy hair was cool in the '80s; Tommy Lee sported the look well into the '90s. And now that it's 2006, Tommy Lee has finally moved on to last decade, showing off some highly sweet tribal tattoos paired with Manic Panic hair. Luckily, huge dongs never go out of style.

• The Curious Birth of Suri No Middle Name Cruise: the legend continues.

• Jackie Chan, all hopped up on Seagram's Golden Wine Coolers, causes a rumpus at a concert. We'd expect that kind of behavior from a McConaughey or a Sutherland, but that nice Chan boy?

• Alyssa Milano wants to create a line of women's sports fan gear. Which, if her shirt is any indication, will involve lots of pastel smocking and rainbow beads. Go team!

• Stacey Dash, naked in Playboy. Not a Monet.