Wednesday afternoon everyone thought Madonna had adopted an African orphan in some sort of "I'm a bigger star than you, bitch" challenge to Angelina Jolie. But then it turned out she hadn't. She's just visiting. But she might have tried a few on for size, thought they made her butt look too fat, and returned them to the rack.  

Sometimes we feel like we should pull a Lloyd Grove and banish Paris Hilton from our life. It would open up time to investigate the idiocy of lesser celebrities, and it would save us all those trips to the free clinic. But time and again Paris proves that she is the stupidest, most vacuous, most asinine celebrity around, so what can you do? You can't fight the seether.  

Madonna plans to meditate over some water and use it to save the planet from nuclear waste. That is if she isn't kidnapped by the Russian mob first.  

It seemed that Britney Spears had all but abandoned her Letter of Truth as her main form of communication, as it had been nearly a year since her assistant/Mom put on the Britney wig and muumuu and let words flow onto the screen. But Friday was a magical day that saw Britney return to her ghostwritten fan communication. What knowledge did this oracle of w.t. provide? What insights into life did she share? Not a helluva lot, actually. It seems that Britney can't even employ people to put actual thoughts into her head to replace the constant stream of "Durrr . . . "  

• Rosie O'Donnell challenges Naomi Campbell to a cage match, saying, "I think she needs a big 200 pound lesbian to kick her ass." Normally, our money would be on Rosie, but we hear Naomi has custom-made bedazzled boxing gloves in the shape of hand-held communication devices, so . . .

• Natalie Portman: she's Harvard-educated, speaks four languages, acts, dances, saves Jason Bateman's puppy from certain death. Basically, she's like Jesus. Jesus in a thong.

• Well, hey there, Megan Mullally of TV's Will & Grace. You go, girl, with your big ole cleavage and your flashing of an actor dressed like a cop and all that. You go, Megan Mullally of TV's Will & Grace.

• The fat kid from Stand By Me is engaged to Pepper Dennis.

• Oh, that Paris Hilton! What a scamp! Her thrush-encrusted acid tongue is at it again. She says that former BFF Nicole Richie "cannot stand being around me because I get all the attention and people really don't care about her", and that "she has nothing else so she really wants to do [The Simple Life] but I don't. It's really pathetic that she needs to use my name to sell something because she's obviously not enough," and that Nicole is simply jealous and fame-hungry. Special emphasis on "hungry".

• Lindsay Lohan admits to dabbling in Kabbalah, saying, "All of us need something. You have to grab on to whatever gets you through." It's definitely pretty easy to grab a pretty red string when it's on your wrist. You know what else is easy to grab onto? Boobs. Big boobs.

• Kate Beckinsale is said to be the forerunner in the race to be cast as Wonder Woman. Her Halloween costume really gave her a leg up on the competition. Does that mean that Lindsay Lohan will soon be cast as a firefighting junkie stripper?

• Tom Cruise has a pacifier custom-made for Katie Holmes as an aid to shut her the hell up during delivery. And CelebNewsWire has an adult diaper made for Tom, because we hate his crazy ass.  

Remember how yesterday we told you that Gwyneth Paltrow might be naming her excuse for getting fat incubating baby Capone and you thought she had gone the route of Tom Cruise and was never coming back from that land where unicorns eat people and shit smells like fresh-baked cookies? Well, now she thinks ghosts are after her. It's going to take more than an infant-sized gat to scare her back to reality.  

Britney Spears may have about a fourth-grade education and her unborn fetus is already reading The Little Engine that Could to her, but we sympathize with her lack of understanding of that Kabbalah crap. The sentences in those Kabbalah books are so much longer than the ones in US Weekly.  

We haven’t quite finished our third cup of coffee yet, and people keep on asking us if we’ve got a case of the Mondays, which really pisses us off. But we probably do look a little sad and confused this morning, as we just learned that Madonna probably didn’t actually write her children’s books. Next thing you know somebody’s gonna tell us that she didn’t do her own Vogue-ing. That would be a travesty.  

If you’re anything like us, you spent Monday afternoon watching the dove lady and her like-minded Thriller aficionados crying and rejoicing over Michael Jackson’s freedom while you yourself wondered how someone who admitted to sharing his bed with the entire male fanbase of SpongeBob SquarePants could be believed not to have touched their dingly-danglies. Why, it was all thanks to Kabbalah, of course!  

Britney Spears is one fucked up young lady. In the past two days we have heard about how much she loves Jesus and how she hired a Kabbalah rabbi to save her marriage. We haven't seen a celebrity in such a state of confusion since Michael Jackson's marriage to Lisa Marie Presley.  

No one has ever claimed that Kabbalah makes people sane or sensitive to the feelings of others. There was something about spiritual enlightenment or some bullshit, but we weren't listening. Lately whenever we hear names like Ashton Kutcher and Madonna we get nostalgic for the time when pampered Hollywood stars were merely self-indulgent without thinking they held the secrets to the universe.