• Oprah was not invited to Tom and K-Hole's wedding, but she is trying to figure out what to send them as a gift. Duh! A couch.

• Bigger news than Santa arriving at the lighting of the Macy's Christmas tree: Victoria's Secret supermodels getting on their boob-shaped spacecraft and arriving on Earth after their long journey from Planet Jiggle.

• Madonna wants to buy another baby as soon as possible. Perhaps it will be a Christmas gift for the other one.

• Sure, Vida Guerra has a gargantuan tail. But did you know that she has boobs, too?

• Nicole Richie has responded to PageSix's insinuation that SOMEONE had reverse gastric bypass in her MySpace blog. The lady doth protest too much.

• Is Kirsten Dunst sinking her vampiric meth mouth baby teeth into rodentlike eunuch Orlando Bloom? And will their hypothetical babies be weaselly nutless bloodsuckers?

• Paris Hilton's ass looks less flapjacky from the back. But don't they all, really? When it comes right down to it, aren't they all less flapjacky from the back? Deep.

• Jenny Love Hewitt might be all chaste and crap, but she will still wear a small strip of fabric nestled lovingly betwixt her buttocks.

• Lesbian Week continues: Joan Jett and Carmen Electra love rock n' roll. Joan mighta put another dime in Carmen's juicebox, baby.

• No, as a matter of fact, we haven't actually seen Ron Jeremy and Super Mario in the same room together. Luigi, though, sure.  

Tom Cruise's dastardly plan to make Katie Holmes crack so he can hide her away in a state-run mental facility has finally been uncovered: Confuse her on the subject of caloric intake! One day she'll be with Tom, watching him pack in about 4000 calories with bag after bag of jalepeno Krunchers; the next she'll watch Victoria Beckham splurge on half a spicy tuna roll and have to replace a week's worth of Barney's visits with trips to the gym. It can't fail!  

The New York Post's blind items are so cryptic. For the better part of the morning, we've been perched in our seats staring at this one, back and neck stiffened with deep concentration, brow furrowed, teeth digging into lower lip:

Which young Hollywood starlet had secret gastric bypass surgery, but then lost too much weight? During a recent four-day stint at a health clinic, she was actually having an operation to remove the bypass.

Damn you, New York Post! Why must you be so vague? Why couldn't you add some specific details so we could figure out this inpenetrable riddle?  

Yesterday, Nicole Richie fell down. But she did not go "boom", presumably, due to her lack of girth. So she fell down and went "tap". Or maybe a weak, metallic "ping", perhaps.  

Nicole Richie has entered a treatment facility. But it's not because she's anorexic. She's just tired. Tired of not eating! Ho, ho. We are comic geniuses. Like Carrot Top and Gallagher and our uncle Schlomo all rolled into one.  

• Who wears short shorts? Jessica Simpson wears short shorts. Heyyyyy. Nice mons pubis.

• Given the choice, Nick Lachey would rather be stuck on a desert island with Satan than with his supremely vile former father-in-law, Papa Joe Simpson. That makes 6 billion of us, Nick.

• Kate Moss might as well face that she's addicted to Pete Doherty. She wishes she knew how to quit him. Brokecrack Mountain?

• Another Doherty--Shannen--angrily hung up on a Newsweek reporter after being asked about her fiery, Naomi-Campbell-like, fired-from-Spelling-shows days. God, you run over a boyfriend 15 years ago and you never hear the end of it!

• "Christina Milian" kind of rhymes with "this tiny little thong". Sorta.

• The divorce gets ugly: Travis Barker questions his estranged wife Shanna Moakler's parenting skills, booze intake, nail salon visits, and open-door vagina policy . . . on his MySpace blog! We can't wait until she hits back with a string of vitriolic friend comments and some extra-hot profile pics taken in the bathroom mirror.

• Keith Urban, pre-tooth job looks an awful lot like Limahl of Kajagoogoo fame.

• Note to Nicole Richie: when size 000 bikini bottoms start to look like droopy adult sumo diapers, it might be time to try a cruller or something.

• One, two, princes kneel before you/thats what I said, now/princes, princes who adore you/just go ahead, now/William has a cosmo in his hand/that sounds great, now/Harry said he wants to honk your mam, now/aint in his head, now.  

• Suri No Middle Name Cruise pictures might finally appear soon . . . in Vanity Fair! Hopefully on the cover, wrapped in swaddling clothes, using Scarlett Johansson's ass crack as a manger.

• Bryce Dallas Howard is baking up a big batch of baby.

• Kate Bosworth ate! Ate cigarettes, water, and lettuce. Baby steps, people.

• Pam from The Office becomes Pam from The Duff-ass.

• When Janet Jackson wants her water cold, she wants her water cold, dammit. Also, yes, she did feel that pea placed under her 12 mattresses last night.

• Newly-separated Dave Navarro is dating newly-separated Jenna Jameson. And she's now #1 on his MySpace Top 8, so you know it's love.

• Jen and Vince: engaged! Whhheeeeeeee! Yayyyyy! Whoooo! Who gives a crap! All riiiiight!

• Robin Williams is in rehab. Body hair rehab, we hope.

• Sienna Miller dons dirty pink cowboy boots, a wedding dress, a red Cleopatra wig, and an exposed upskirt cotton panty look. Indeed, she is truly the fashion icon of our time.  

Nicole Richie is the runt of the spindly-legged, razor-sharp collar-boned Hollywood kitten litter. Try as they might, Mischa Barton, Keira Knightley, even Kate Bosworth can't push the scale numbers low enough to compete with Richie. But being the tiniest little kitten has it's disadvantages. Nicole is banished to the corners of the towel-lined cardboard box (otherwise known as the clearance rack at Kitson) while her stronger kitty brethren suckle at Mummy's teats (obvs, Koi). Nicole peers sadly behind her under-fed, saucer-like eyes (bug-eyed Dior sunglasses) struggling to just stay conscious. And sometimes poor Nicole loses that struggle.  

• K-Fed is all, "Yo, remember when I did PopoZao? Yo, I was just funnin' y'all. No, surriously. When my REAL shit drops, y'all are gonna go nuts. No, really. PopoZao: just a big ha-ha. I meant to do that. Yo. Yo."

• BREAKING: Hugh Hefner has had sexual intercourse with ladies!!!

• "Elizabeth Hurley See-Through Nipple" does not actually mean that her nipple is transluscent, you realize.

• Hilary Swank tells People that her split from husband Chad "brother of Rob" Lowe was not, in fact, due to her being a huge mega multiple Oscar-winning superstar acting Hollywood juggernaut while he had a few guest spots on CSI: Miami and Medium. It was because he's a druggie. Dun dun DUNNNN!

• Your friend Billy Zane orders his colossally-kanockered girlfriend Kelly Brook to wear only enormous, dowdy underpants. Because he is a bad man.

• Paris Hilton sets sights on passing down the wonkeye gene.

• Kingston Rossdale and Piloh Shitt had a little play date. Ah, yes. Angelina and Brad are already making quite sure that their facially fortunate offspring consorts with only the prettiest peers. Excellent, excellent.

• Our gossip doula, FemaleFirst, agrees with us that Natalie Portman will indeed be naked for real in her next film.

• Keira Knightley says, "I'm not anorexic. But my grandma was. And my great-grandma was. And also, Tracey Gold was."  

And today in the "Damn, bitch, tell us something we don't know" department: Nicole Richie says she's too skinny. She went on to make other startling announcements, like Jessica Alba is pretty, water is wet, and sex is fun. That Nicole, always ahead of the curve.  

Which freshly single star is reaping the benefits of her brand new swinger status? Rumor has it, about two weeks ago she played horsey with a certain usually-second-fiddle-but-about-to-become-leading-action-hero star.

And speaking of "horsey", this starlet is notorious for holding up filming on her productions. She spends an awful lot of time hiding out in her trailer, but the reason might not exactly be her rumored narcotics problem. Need a clue? Well, it seems that she might be abusing a substance of a different sort--laxatives. Not very glamorous, but while cast and crew wait on set, she's busy dropping many a deuce in her bathroom.  

Quick recap: Lindsay Lohan was nubile and pretty and had huge knobs. Then she turned orange. Then she was blonde and Nicole Richied herself. Then she kept going to the hospital and touching older men's weenises. Then she was brunette and started looking boobier. Then she talked to Vanity Fair and said she dabbled in illicit substances and suffered from bulimia. Then she went to the hospital again. Now she's saying she never, never was bulimic. Lindsay. Why must you phunk with our hearts?  

We woke up today, did our morning speedball, cheerfully skipped to the office and were promptly met with a veritable shitstorm of Lindsay Lohan tidbits, the most shocking being the fact that she's in the hospital and not blaming Exhaustion.  

Neigh! I'm Hilary Duff.

Listen, ever since I got teef implants, I've been having trouble eating. My new veneers, they're hard to work, you see. I'm really hungry over here. Could you maybe put some food into my bag? A mashed-up apple would be nice, or a tender carrot. Or some oats. How about a sugar cube or two? C'mon, I'm dyin' over here. Anyone?  

Courteney Cox is vehemently denying rumors that she's anorexic, insisting that she's just "found her optimum weight".

Which is 81 pounds.