Pete Doherty was pulled over yesterday for driving like an out-of-control crackhead and was then arrested for possession of crack. We would love to report fully on this story, but it's Monday morning, we're tired, and, frankly, we're getting a little sick of this shit.  

So. Paris Hilton was at a fashion show in Milan last week.



Ever the pillar of understated class, she painted her nails while leaving her purse unzipped, in essence, issuing an open invitation for paparazzi to snap pictures of its contents. Which seemed to include a little baggie full of a suspicious substance, herb-like in appearance:



When asked to explain, Paris's oft-apologizing rep, Elliot Mintz, did not confirm or deny what was in the baggie, but cryptically said, "Things are not always as they appear. It would be unfair to draw any conclusions based solely on these photos." And then he drove his point home by turning a dollar bill into a beautiful white dove after pulling a nickel from a child's ear.  

Oh, hey. The Babyshambles tour has been cancelled because Pete Doherty's back in rehab. And . . . yeah, that's all we got.  

• George Michael says, "I don't have a drug problem!" Aside from being arrested after falling asleep in his car at an intersection. For the second time. In eight months.

• Avril Lavigne apologizes for hawking loogs on the Pavarotti, stating that she'd never spit on her fans. No, she'll just flip them off and cuss them out.

• Well, Jordan's obviously got her cell phone on "vibrate".

• There's another warrant out for Bobby Brown's arrest--he owes two months' worth of back child support, totalling $11,000. Oh please, they can't expect Bobby Brown to scrape up that kinda scratch these days.

• Mischa Barton's shirt says "Drop knowledge, not bombs". But what she's really dropping is a big ole doo log of an outfit.

• Carmen Electra poses for some nice "F U, Dave" shots.

• The "Marie Antoinette Association" of France are hopping mad about Kirsten Dunst's portrayal of the queen in Sofia Coppola's new film, helpfully titled Marie Antoinette. A spokesperson for the association hisses, "I've seen the trailer for the film on the internet. It is a fright. We've spent years trying to convince people that the queen was not just a libertine who told the starving to eat cake. What do you see on the trailer? You see Marie Antoinette eating cake. You see her lying naked on a chaise longue. I fear the film is going to set us back many years." God, just think of all the advancements these people have made by dressing up in powdered wigs and sending out mimeographed newsletters . . . down the drain! All those hours spent planning historical reenactment dinners--wasted! And just wait until people see the movie and actually believe that Marie Antoinette was a fang-toothed California blonde who listened to New Order! It'll be anarchy! Civil war! Innocents will be slaughtered! Pestilence will sweep the land! Sacre bleu!  

Coke boogers are the new skinny jeans:

Fig. 1: Nicole Richie


Fig. 2: Kate Moss


Which is pretty apropos since, well, you have to fit into said skinny jeans somehow.  

Anna Nicole Smith's lawyer/barnacle Howard K. Stern appeared on Larry King last night, and dropped a bomb, announcing with much fanfare, that he is the father of Anna's infant daughter. He then whipped off his Howard K. Stern mask to reveal that he is actually Howard Stern with no "K.", and is not only Anna's lover, but also her brother! Her twin brother! And also her father! Dun-dun-DUNNNN!  

My Best Friend's Wedding star, openly homosexual actor Rupert Everett, has just released his autobiography, Red Carpet and Other Banana Skins. In addition to dishing about costars Julia Roberts ("skittish") and Sharon Stone ("unhinged"), Rupe reveals that he's shooting blanks due to baldness meds. He says,

"I don't have any sperm left. If I stop taking the pills, all my hair will fall out, but I would rather have hair than sperm."

But what happens at Christmas when his lover sells their antique brass baby bassinet to buy Rupert a beautiful ivory comb for his luscious locks, while Rupert goes off his Propecia to get enough sperm to produce a baby with a surrogate? Thus concludes this episode of Gay O. Henry dinner theater.  

But to the straights, she says, "Crack it up, bitches!"  

It's been fourteen long years in the making, but Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown are finally Splitsville. No word yet in regards to the cause of the breakup, but in situations like this, it's usually because one of them got clean. And seeing how Whitney's been appearing in public with her wig on straight while wearing weather-appropriate clothing, we're banking on her. Congrats!  

Fergie--the singer, not the former royal--has been speaking out about her erstwhile crystal meth addiction, likening the drug to a bad boyfriend. IMDb's headline today is "Fergie: Meth Was 'Hardest Boyfriend'", which doesn't really say much about poor Josh Duhamel. Zing!  

• Kevin Federline claims that on his GED, he got "amazing ass test scores." You know who else aced the amazing ass test? Heather Locklear (see above).

• Shamed superstar Mel Gibson fires up his Razr and sets out on the seemingly insurmountable task of personally apologizing to every Jew in the whole wide world.

• Lindsay Lohan is coming out with her own perfume. Exhaustion by Lindsay Lohan will smell softly of jasmine, raspberry vodka, and pink pepper with bottom notes of firecrotch musk.

• And there is no love lost between Lindsay and her Bobby costar William H. Macy, who says that she "should have her ass kicked." Not such a good idea, Macy, old chum. The ass might be your target of choice, but Lindsay apparently goes for the face.

• Cindy Crawford gets by with a little help from her friends. Her good friends Botox and Collagen.

• The Japanese have given the thumbs up to their previously censored Britney naked posters. Gee, you think the "banning" and "controversy" was only to drum up publicity? Nah.

• Pete Doherty: punched out a male nurse at rehab!

• Pete Doherty: also busted for cocaine in rehab! We don't know about you, but we're really starting to understand what a beautiful, wealthy, iconic supermodel would see in him. What a prize!

• His lyrical edge softened with age, contentment, and wealth, Bruce Springsteen makes a bid for authentic suffering by dumping redheaded wife for redheaded 9/11 widow.  

In a desperate plea to link her image to that of a (once) respected and accomplished singer, Lindsay Lohan had pictures taken of herself surrounded by (possibly) drugs, booze, and her own filth. We already knew that "Confessions of a Broken Heart" was no "I Wanna Dance with Somebody" and Just My Luck was no Bodyguard, but we're a little disappointed that Lindz failed to reach Whitney-like levels of fucking up her personal life. She could have at least thrown in a splattering of her own vomit for a touch more street cred. Next time, Lindsay, next time.  

• Macaulay Culkin and Mila Kunis star in the action-packed thriller Escape!!! From the Holy Land!

• Ex-supermodel/ex-Rod Stewart concubine Rachel Hunter shows her punters on the beach. Stacy's mom has got it goin' on.

• Do you want to watch Jessica Simpson gulp down a phallic mouthful of creamy, fluffy froth? You probably do, sure.

• Kirsten Dunst brings in da noize, brings in da fug.

• Christina Aguilera's breasts are covered in this fetching golf-style ensemble, but the scoop neck still manages to caress and cradle them gently, yet conspicuously. Well done!

• Leah Remini says that Suri Cruise is totally real and has dark hair. Katie Holmes is spotted with curiously plasticine blonde baby-like figure. Someone's a lying sack of turds.

• Lance Bass and Reichen Lehmkuhl: "If you're Lance Bass, and you're going to the gayest town on the gayest day of the year and going to gay parties, you have to expect something."

• That bandeau bikini top is no match for the speckled flesh globules resting upon Lindsay Lohan's upper chestal region.

• Justin Timberlake is desperate for street cred. Who's bad?  

For a while all the news involving Lindsay Lohan centered around bitchy catfights, her vagina's revolving-door policy, and the sundry men making use of that policy. Frankly we got a little sick of it. She's fighting, she's fucking, she's fighting, she's fucking. One can only take so much. Thankfully the past week has brought us Lindsay in bikini after bikini (featuring her newly regrown rack), smoking up at Disneyland, and giving fake blowjobs on camera. We would prefer real blowjobs in our living room but, hey, we're not picky.  

• K-Fed is all, "Yo, remember when I did PopoZao? Yo, I was just funnin' y'all. No, surriously. When my REAL shit drops, y'all are gonna go nuts. No, really. PopoZao: just a big ha-ha. I meant to do that. Yo. Yo."

• BREAKING: Hugh Hefner has had sexual intercourse with ladies!!!

• "Elizabeth Hurley See-Through Nipple" does not actually mean that her nipple is transluscent, you realize.

• Hilary Swank tells People that her split from husband Chad "brother of Rob" Lowe was not, in fact, due to her being a huge mega multiple Oscar-winning superstar acting Hollywood juggernaut while he had a few guest spots on CSI: Miami and Medium. It was because he's a druggie. Dun dun DUNNNN!

• Your friend Billy Zane orders his colossally-kanockered girlfriend Kelly Brook to wear only enormous, dowdy underpants. Because he is a bad man.

• Paris Hilton sets sights on passing down the wonkeye gene.

• Kingston Rossdale and Piloh Shitt had a little play date. Ah, yes. Angelina and Brad are already making quite sure that their facially fortunate offspring consorts with only the prettiest peers. Excellent, excellent.

• Our gossip doula, FemaleFirst, agrees with us that Natalie Portman will indeed be naked for real in her next film.

• Keira Knightley says, "I'm not anorexic. But my grandma was. And my great-grandma was. And also, Tracey Gold was."  

• Heath Ledger got squirted with water as a prank and took it really personally. What, are you gonna cry about it? Huh, little tiny baby Heathie? Gonna cry? Go on, cryyyyyy, baby! Cryyyyyy!

• Piloh Shitt, for real this time:

Many, many more pictures of mom, dad, Zahara, new baby, and nursing bra here.

• We're just a copper hair away from seeing the freckles pouring forth from Lindsay Lohan's firecrotch.

• Speaking of Lindsay, she incurred the fiery wrath of Vogue editrix Anna Wintour at the CFDA Awards when she failed to get a hall pass to visit the potty. Six times. In two hours.

• Elle MacPherson is still a foxy MacPerson.

• Nicole Richie, mad with hunger, throws water all over some poor paparazzo. Maybe she mistook him for Heath Ledger?

• Jessica Alba pulls a Teri Hatcher and trusses up her already buoyant, flawless blammos with tape. Son of a bitch.

• Katherine Heigl wants to show off her Grey's Anatomy on a sex tape. We can say with utterly no sarcasm whatsoever that the idea is a wonderful one and should be carried out immediately, and with zest.

• PIcking up freshly-laid, warm dog crap with a plastic bag makes Mariah's nipples hard.

• Chris "alpha heterosexual male" Klein grows the beard that Topher Grace just shaved off.  

Remember when you were in junior high and there was that rumor going around (no, no, not the one about Danny Wood from the New Kids getting 3 gallons of semen pumped out of his stomach) about Whitney Houston having an affair with Kelly McGillis? And you, in your Gotcha! t-shirt and Brittania jeans, were all, "That pretty lady from Top Gun and the girl who sings 'I Wanna Dance with Somebody'? EW!" These days, you might not be so "ew", especially since Whitney's preference for the fairer sex might just be true. Only instead of willowy blonde Kelly McGillis, picture Whitney with a crack ho named Precious who gives $3 hj's down at the bus station. Yeah, you're welcome.  

Beware, little children: If you work really, really hard to evolve from your local gospel choir to garishly colored videos on MTV requiring eighteen cans of Aquanet per performer, then transition yourself into an "actress" who gets to swoon over pre-Waterworld, pre-happy endings Kevin Costner, there will be a downside. You will soon meet up with a former boybander and be led down the fiery path to crack-addiction hell and your bathroom will look like this:



Oh, if only Whitney Houston had married that nice Ralph Tresvant instead!  

At first we skipped over the story regarding the conditions of the restraining order against Paris Hilton. We just weren't that shocked that someone would go to such lengths to avoid ever being in the same room as anyone who says "That's hot" eighty times an hour. But then one word jumped out at us as if it were in solid gold type studded with hot pink diamonds: herpes.  

• Teri Hatcher reveals that she was brutally molested as a child by an uncle, and she testified against him recently and helped put him in jail. Go Teri!

• Mayhaps the Pussycat Dolls should change their name to the Pussyandtittycat Dolls.

• When your toddler asks you, "Daddy, what does 'bootylicious' mean?" you can now say, "Look it up in the dictionary, ya little shit" and mean it!

• Donald Trump says of his daughter Ivanka, "I'd hit it."

• Not only would Mariah Carey like you to touch her butt, she would like you to punch her in the gut. Well, okay.

• Yanni was charged with abusing his girlfriend in their Florida home. What, did he force her to to listen to his music? Haw haw, bet you didn't see that joke coming.

• In other domestic abuse news, the Hoff gets hasselled . . . by his estranged wife!

• Jerry Hall says younger men not only suck in bed, they make you listen to Coldplay. It's a scary day when Jerry Hall is a practical voice of reason.

• Thanks Easter bunny! Bok bok! As it turns out, Cokaite Moss used to hide her stash in a Fabergé egg. Pfft. We hide ours in a Ming vase.

 

The Nobel Peace Prize. The Order of St. John. The Presidential Medal of Freedom. Now Nelson Mandela can add another distinct honor to his long list: having had Kate Moss blow rails off his personal terlet.

 

• Apparently, you can steal cars and shoot heroin and get arrested 20 times a month and yet never see the inside of a jail cell. We're totally moving to the UK. It's like Eden, or Honah-Lee. Only with more crack.

• Speaking of drugs, Teri Hatcher admits to doing a little recreational Botox. Uh, no shit?

• The year was 1984, and an unsullied, very young and fresh-faced Whitney Houston was given the old Serge Gainsbourg treatment on French television. If only she had been seduced by the wiles of a drunken, aged French lothario instead of a cracked-out faded R&B loser.

• Apparently, being used as Jackson Browne's personal punching bag wasn't enough for Daryl Hannah, and she's now romancing Brad Renfro, an admitted junkie about 43 years younger than her. Some people are just gluttons for punishment.

• A better shot of Paris's upskirt shot from the other day. You can actually see her anus devouring her underdrawers!

• Vanna White gets the ole Pussycat Dolls treatment. And actually, she looks pretty awesome. For 73.

• Some dude puts the kibosh on that whole "Charlize Theron as Dusty Springfield clam-slamming Kate Moss in Ang Lee movie" rumor. And we hate him for it.

• Young Hermione Granger mistakes Corona with lime for butterbeer; gets wasted, fails OWLs, and is forced into a life of peddling her feminine wares in the shadowy recesses of Knockturn Alley.  

• Mariah Carey ensures that she will never receive a free Chanel dress ever again.

• Why, hello, M&Ms stuck in Jennifer Lopez's dress. Nice to see you.

• Speaking of small round candies and boobs . . .

• Beyonce once jiggled her jelly so damn hard that her entire dress fell off. Guess she didn't see that ragtag group of young men with oversized novelty magnets who sewed her garment with metal thread.

• Lindsay Lohan dresses up as Diane Keaton, Liza Minnelli, and Liz Taylor. Gay male plotzing TK.

• Tom Sizemore has been sent back to rehab. Also, the sun rose today.

• Ya can't shine shit: MK and Ashley Olsen are all gussied up and shilling for Badgley Mischka. Funny how chimpanzees in $5,000 frocks are still chimpanzees.

• Britney took her baby Sean to the emergency room because he was constipated. Now, we're no Dr. Spock or nuthin', but maybe, just maybe, if she stopped giving him tubes of nacho bacon E-Z Cheez in lieu of bottles, this wouldn't happen.

• And maybe Brit should lay off the aerosol delicacies herself.

• Poor Nikki Cox learns that when you agree to marry a professional guest star, you lose your livelihood. And your breasts.

• PETA activists threw flour on Paris Hilton as she entered a London fashion week party. They then battered and deep-fried her and enjoyed her with some honey BBQ dippin' sauce. Just kidding, that's not vegan.  

• Kelly Osbourne thinks Paris Hilton inspires parents to dress their children like hookers. Would she rather the children of the world take fashion cues from her?


• Is Liz Hurley all knocked up again? Does anyone care?

• Nicky Hilton calls Mischa Barton a "fat pig". Huh. Maybe she meant "stuck pig"?

• Remember those Lisa Loeb thong shots we showed you yesterday? Of course you do. Well, now you can see those pictures move! It's called "the talkies", which translates to "motile ass".

• Jodie "Stephanie Tanner" Sweetin was a meth head, but she's since Cut! It! Out!

• Oh, speaking of thongs, flash leads to a see-through dress in Alyssa Milanoland.

• Egotastic!'s got the poop scoop on what's really going down betwixt Sienna Miller and Darth Vader. It's considerably less sexy than previously thought.

• Tyra Banks rocks the pit stubble. Fierce!!!

• Quote of the year: "If you're going to be raped in a movie, it may as well be Vincent Cassel." Oh, Jennifer Aniston, you are so terribly high-larious.

• Oh yeah, Oscar nominees.

• Tom Cruise's next potential film project will be a "contemporary romance". We have a good idea for a romantic film! Boy divorces girl, elders at boy's cult pay new girl to perpetrate like she's dating boy, boy jumps on furniture, cult elders impregnate girl with mythical animal-human hybrid, and . . . aw, never mind. Nobody would buy it.  

Which freshly single star is reaping the benefits of her brand new swinger status? Rumor has it, about two weeks ago she played horsey with a certain usually-second-fiddle-but-about-to-become-leading-action-hero star.

And speaking of "horsey", this starlet is notorious for holding up filming on her productions. She spends an awful lot of time hiding out in her trailer, but the reason might not exactly be her rumored narcotics problem. Need a clue? Well, it seems that she might be abusing a substance of a different sort--laxatives. Not very glamorous, but while cast and crew wait on set, she's busy dropping many a deuce in her bathroom.  

Holy shit! Lindsay Lohan died???

 

Quick recap: Lindsay Lohan was nubile and pretty and had huge knobs. Then she turned orange. Then she was blonde and Nicole Richied herself. Then she kept going to the hospital and touching older men's weenises. Then she was brunette and started looking boobier. Then she talked to Vanity Fair and said she dabbled in illicit substances and suffered from bulimia. Then she went to the hospital again. Now she's saying she never, never was bulimic. Lindsay. Why must you phunk with our hearts?  

We woke up today, did our morning speedball, cheerfully skipped to the office and were promptly met with a veritable shitstorm of Lindsay Lohan tidbits, the most shocking being the fact that she's in the hospital and not blaming Exhaustion.  

• Harrison Ford is old. In case you hadn't noticed.

• Keifer Sutherland: "I hate that ****ing Christmas tree. The tree HAS to come down. I'm smashing it - can I pay for it?"

• Brooke Shields her nipple from view. Just kidding, she totally doesn't.

• Stars shitmouth one another, so we don't have to!

• Mischa Barton is a midnight toker.

• OMG Angelina is preggo!!!!

• OMG Cammy Diaz is too!!!!!!

• Basic guide to Hollywood pregnancies: if you wear baggy clothes, you're pregnant. If you're photographed eating, you're pregnant ("Eating for two???"). If you or your partner gently places a hand on your stomach, you're pregnant. If you're bloated, you're pregnant. If you smile and or have anything remotely resembling a "glow", you're pregnant.

• Apparently there are some sort of Blog Awards and you should like totally nominate us for the category of your choice! If you do, we will send you a nickel. A shiny nickel.  

• Despite wasting away from Exhaustion, Colin Farrell somehow musters up the strength to swing one feeble, Irish fist and "fight off" the rumors that he OD'ed.

• Orlando Bloom is tactless. And Gwyneth Paltrow is heavy with baby, for real though.

• Die Hiltons!

• Die Hiltons stuff Santa's stocking with hard nipples and thongs, that is.

• And Heather Locklear says, "Hard nips? I'll show you hard nips, bitches. I was busting out the party hats before you were out of Luvs."

• Rod Stewart swears that his marriage to Penny Lancaster will last the rest of his life. The old guy's got about 6 good years left in him, so we'd say that's doable.

• Eva Longoria is a jolly clown.

• When the rich are launched into space, and aliens finally meet delegates of Earth, the first face upon which they will lay their cold, shiny black eyes will be that of . . . Victoria Principal?