• Is Australian actress Abbie Cornish the real reason behind the Reese/Ryan breakup? That would mark the second time Ryan's fallen for a blonde with an incredibly silly last name. At least he's consistent.

• Sumner Redstone says that he dropped Tom Cruise's contract because his wife, Paula, "like women everywhere, had come to hate him." Ouch, and hahahahaha.

• Cindy Margolis is in Playboy. And her bod makes us hum Bob Seger's "Like a Rock".

• The drummer for McFly (who?) has been bragging to anyone who'll listen that he has felt the gently licking flames of Lohan's firecrotch. Yeeeeah, that's like bragging that you ate food once, or that you sometimes blink.

• Step aside, Brangelina! Take a hike, Bennifer! Let's all give a warm welcome to . . . Tophvanka Grump!

• If there's anything U.S. Marines hate, it's being in the presence of a large-breasted, blonde, ultra-famous porn star.

• Katie Holmes recently ran into Brooke Shields and stopped to chat. Afterwards, her handler best friend ever threw a burlap sack over her head, threw her in the back of a Brinks security van, drove her to a secluded location 4 miles beneath the earth's crust, and subjected her to 72 straight hours of deprogramming and delousing.

• Heidi Klum: finally, a celebrity who ain't afraid to get a little scary for the sake of Halloween. Nicely done.

• Patrick Dempsey's ex-wife, whom he married when he was 21 and she was the 48-year-old stepmother of his best friend, is alleging that he beat her during the filming of Can't Buy Me Love. Hey, these actors are tempestuous, artistic types and often have trouble bringing their work home with them at the end of the day. Can you really blame Dempsey for feeling violent when he spent day in and day out in character as a brutal, sexist killer with a hair-trigger temper. Wait, what? Can't Buy Me Love was about a mild-mannered nerd on a riding lawnmower? Oh.  

The other week, we warned you that Buffy star Mercedes McNab was going to pose for Playboy. The pictures are now out, and so are Mercedes's breasts. And if you are hurting for twenty cents, today is your lucky day, because her nipples are the size of dimes.  

• Buffy costar Mercedes McNab to pose for Playboy; socially-challenged fanboys to spring boners eternal.

• Sweet little cherub Mandy Moore is bringin' schlumpy back, and pulling it off.

• And lo, brash angel of God Kathy Griffin alit and sayeth unto Tori Spelling: "unto you a childe is borne!"

• Paris Hilton has been officially charged with drunk driving. Now, if only she were to be officially charged by the fashion police. Ooh! That's right! We went there! Uh-huh! Two snaps up, girlfriend!

• Aerosmith's Steven Tyler is one hep cat.

• Ashlee Simpson premiered as Roxie Hart in the London Cambridge Theatre's production of Chicago Monday night. And alas, there was no one with an oversized novelty hook, nor any clowns with comical janitor's brooms in sight.

• Lindsay Lohan's father brags about porking his daughter's Herbie stunt double. No punch line needed.

• A helpful compendium of celebrity nippage to clip, save, collect, and trade with friends.

• Tom and K-Hole are looking for a project they can star in together. Might we suggest adapting Ronnie Spector's biography, Be My Baby? Though Tom as a megalomaniacal, shrimpy Svengali with a predilection for shades holding his young and innocent wife captive in their own home might be a bit of a stretch. Har de har har.  

• Jessica Simpson, in a bikini, on vacation. She's taking great care to conceal her crotch behind various objects, which can only mean one thing: BABY BUMP! Just kidding, she probably forgot to shave.

• Ever wonder what goes on behind the closed doors at a high-powered meeting in which executives get together with the Olsen twins to discuss their next line of clothing/cosmetics/cereal/handbags? Tareytons, is what. Cartons and cartons and cartons of Tareytons.

• Take a stick of raw linguine, dye it paper-bag brown, glue a Crystal Barbie wig to the top of it and two half coconut shells halfway down, and what do you get? Victoria Beckham.

• Jennifer Ellison wears panties that show her clam. Her pussyclam.

• Big fluffy hair was cool in the '80s; Tommy Lee sported the look well into the '90s. And now that it's 2006, Tommy Lee has finally moved on to last decade, showing off some highly sweet tribal tattoos paired with Manic Panic hair. Luckily, huge dongs never go out of style.

• The Curious Birth of Suri No Middle Name Cruise: the legend continues.

• Jackie Chan, all hopped up on Seagram's Golden Wine Coolers, causes a rumpus at a concert. We'd expect that kind of behavior from a McConaughey or a Sutherland, but that nice Chan boy?

• Alyssa Milano wants to create a line of women's sports fan gear. Which, if her shirt is any indication, will involve lots of pastel smocking and rainbow beads. Go team!

• Stacey Dash, naked in Playboy. Not a Monet.  

If you were in charge of a well-known magazine and had about $4 million that wasn't earmarked for coke and hookers, what would you spend it on? The first pictures of the sexiest baby alive, or naked pictures of a Simpson sister? What if we told you that sister was Ashlee? Yeah, you'd still go for the nudes. To our readers that question's a no brainer on par with what to have for dinner: filet mignon or the pile of dog shit your neighbor left on your lawn.  

• Vida Guerra displays her ripe rump for mateworthy males in Playboy.

• Daryl Hannah "arrested for farm protest"? What the . . . ? What kind of sick person protests farming?

• Ashlee Simpson's in the new issue of Marie Claire talking about how women should embrace themselves no matter what size or shape and love their flaws. Accompanied by a nice pictorial spread of her showing off her new rhinoplasty, collagen-infused lips, and cantaloupe diet waistline.

• The other day, Britney, Kevin and Federspears the Younger were photographed together for the first time since March. Oh, they're definitely a loving couple fully committed to one another. We're convinced now.

• Paris and Lindsay fight over Stamos Nachos. They just can't get enough of his warm, cheesy goodness.

• Heather Mills McCartney, soon to be defrocked and downgraded to "Just Plain Heather Mills but a $200 million richer Heather Mills so f u very much", makes viewers sing, "Hey Boob/Don't be a prude/Take some naked pics/And make wangs bigger".

• Some kids like football, some kids like video games, some kids like Legos. Pam Anderson's sons' favorite toy is her stripper pole.

• Brittany Murphy may be tinier than a baby flea, but her rack can compete with the best of them.

• You know what isn't tiny? Screech from Saved by the Bell's weenis.

• Jennifer Aniston's got pokies. And she knows how to use 'em.  

• The highly downloadable Cindy Margolis will be posing for Playboy. She's the spokeswoman for the National Infertility Association. God, that makes us feel horny.

• Paris Hilton: attacked by evil flying car!

• American Idol contestant Katharine McPhee almost McPhlashed some McPhurburger on national TV last night. And she would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you pesky panties!

• Jordan shows us what she's famous for. And we ain't talkin' acting chops, writing style, or mellifluous singing voice. NSFW, natch.

• More Gong for your dong! Asian skinsation Gong Li gives us a reason to see the upcoming Miami Vice movie.

• When presented with the choice of doing time in the pen or being nurturing and contributing kindly to society via a little community service, Michelle Rodriguez said "fuck that" and picked jail. Because she's an asswipe. An asswipe who loooooves incarcerated poontang.

• Ashlee Simpson says that she's taller than sister Jessica and her legs are longer, although her jugs aren't as udderly colossal. It's a draw.

• Kevin Costner settles with the woman who accuses him of stroking his weiner in front of her. He is not Untouchable after all.  

Hugh Hefner truly is the most powerful man on the planet. One minute Jessica Alba is threatening to sue him for getting men's penises hopes up that she's naked on the pages of Playboy, and then he sends her a letter saying, "I'm sorry, gorgeous, can't we make up?" and all is forgiven. He must have a foot-long dick made out of chocolate and dipped in gold and studded with diamonds. Ew. We just talked about Hugh Hefner's dong. We feel dirty.  

Loni Anderson says that if she were to receive a lifetiem supply of fancy shoes and undergarments, she would happily pose nude for Playboy. Somewhere in Cincinnati, Herb Tarlek just sprung a boner.  

We don't usually get to see late-night talk shows because our mom enforces a strict nine o'clock bedtime, but lucky for us some of our more mature gossip blog brethren have stayed up for the past couple of nights listening to Jay Leno pander to fat Midwestern women and Conan O'Brien joke about how dorky and unpopular he is while thousands of viewers hang on his every word. If they hadn't, we wouldn't know about Paget Brewster considering a Playboy spread or have seen Carmen Electra demonstrating spread-eagle circus moves on a couch. (OK, that last one was bound to happen somewhere eventually.)  

If you are in charge of a magazine that puts hazy, back-lit photos of half-plastic women in crotchless white lace lingerie between its covers, don't try to fool us horny, Jessica Alba lovin' Americans by putting a picture of her in a bikini on your cover and then not delivering the hooters inside. 'Cause she'll sue you. And we'll be left jerking off to some girl we found on MySpace named Jessica Balba. Nobody wants that.  

Jennifer Love Hewitt is planning her next career move to be taken seriously as an actress: posing nude for Playboy. Makes sense: her turn as a distraught lover in an Enrique Igelesias video and John Mayer's assertion that her body was, in fact, a wonderland didn't exactly catapult her into the artistic stratosphere.  

When you think of Paris Hilton you project an image of a demure young lady in pearls and a twin set, with immaculate posture and her ankles daintily crossed. She is a woman of unbreakable moral values whose family has too much money for her to compromise her virtue for a couple of bucks. Wait, that's not how you think of her? We guess she's alone on this one then.  

Toni Braxton is reportedly in negotiations to pose for Playboy. Which is awesome news for people who exist on a separate plane of reality that takes place in 1996. Heeeeeyyyyyy macarena!  

It’s the day we’ve all been waiting for, folks; Tara Reid has finally talked about her boobs. Because we’re sure that you’ve been holding that razor blade to your wrist for months and months just waiting for Tara to say that she’s a broken woman thanks to her wayward-boob fiasco. If Tara is sad your life no longer has meaning and might as well be ended. Oh, and she talked about Playboy too.  

Perhaps she couldn't find a sitter. Perhaps the boy is easily soothed to sleep relaxing inside a car. Perhaps he was being punished for using wire hangers. Listen, we can go back and forth arguing the reasons Sharon Stone left her adopted 4-year-old son Roan inside a car for two hours while she enjoyed a dinner date, but the fact of the matter remains: she's probably gonna be in Playboy soon, and it's easy to set our differences aside and agree that this is pretty neato.  

Wanna see Lindsay Lohan in Playboy? Well, too bad. As long as those hot Herbie the Love Bug scripts keep pouring in, you can expect Miss Blowhan to remain properly clothed. However, you may be able to see the next best thing in the buff. No, not Paris Hilton. No, no, not Nicole Richie either. Not Hilary Duff. No, not Wilmer Valderr--oh for the love of Christ, we're talking about her mom.  

So. It seems that Halle Berry was approached by the Playboy folks a decade ago and agreed to peel for the publication, but only after the "right film" came along. Huh. Guess The Flintstones and B.A.P.S. weren't exactly inspirational in the nudity department?  

For those of you who love nudity from women molded out of plastic, Playboy may soon have a treat for you. No, Farrah Fawcett isn't returning to the pages of the mag; Teri Hatcher says she would totally show off her Desperate Housewives--for $10 million.  

Bai Ling doesn't like clothes. She wears very few of them--stepping out of the house donning what amounts to a few strategically-placed Kleenexes and some dental floss. But we're happy to report that she won't even be wearing that in the June issue of Playboy.  

Dudes who "came" of age in the '80s: your ship has come in. Debbie Gibson is posing for Playboy.  

Teri Polo'll make you wanna Focker, bein' naked gets the thumbs-up from DiCaprio, Jenny McCarthy shows her junk in Playboy . . . and to husband again, finally. Read on.