• Hilary Duff has dropped her older emo craprocker lover with MySpace hair.

• She's also dropped the lower 2 inches off those much-maligned veneers. Neiggggh!

• J. Lo can't seem to make a baby. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that her husband is a reanimated corpse. That was mean.

• In this crazy age of full-on spread pink Britney labia in our faces, it's kind of refreshing and titillating to see a lady in a bikini. Good on ya, Kelly Brook.

• Rihanna, on the other hand, is taking a page from the Merry Divorcée and serving up lippage.

• Britney has mysteriously pulled out of planned joint Billboard Awards hosting duties, leaving Paris to go it solo. That marks the very first time you've ever heard "Britney" and "pulled out" in the same sentence.

• Borat blamed for the Pam Anderson-Kid Rock split. In related news, Borat causes global warming, racial profiling was Borat's idea, and Borat sold all that vodka to Mel Gibson.

• Note to Snoop: YOU HAVE MONEY. HIRE SOMEONE TO CARRY YOUR DRUGS AND GUNS FOR YOU.

 

Awkward English hobbit and Canadian Jesus freak with brutal abs meet on set of Hawaiian plane crash show, fall in love, dry hump on beach. Only in Hollywood.



Please let that tattoo say "You all everybody."  

• George Michael says, "I don't have a drug problem!" Aside from being arrested after falling asleep in his car at an intersection. For the second time. In eight months.

• Avril Lavigne apologizes for hawking loogs on the Pavarotti, stating that she'd never spit on her fans. No, she'll just flip them off and cuss them out.

• Well, Jordan's obviously got her cell phone on "vibrate".

• There's another warrant out for Bobby Brown's arrest--he owes two months' worth of back child support, totalling $11,000. Oh please, they can't expect Bobby Brown to scrape up that kinda scratch these days.

• Mischa Barton's shirt says "Drop knowledge, not bombs". But what she's really dropping is a big ole doo log of an outfit.

• Carmen Electra poses for some nice "F U, Dave" shots.

• The "Marie Antoinette Association" of France are hopping mad about Kirsten Dunst's portrayal of the queen in Sofia Coppola's new film, helpfully titled Marie Antoinette. A spokesperson for the association hisses, "I've seen the trailer for the film on the internet. It is a fright. We've spent years trying to convince people that the queen was not just a libertine who told the starving to eat cake. What do you see on the trailer? You see Marie Antoinette eating cake. You see her lying naked on a chaise longue. I fear the film is going to set us back many years." God, just think of all the advancements these people have made by dressing up in powdered wigs and sending out mimeographed newsletters . . . down the drain! All those hours spent planning historical reenactment dinners--wasted! And just wait until people see the movie and actually believe that Marie Antoinette was a fang-toothed California blonde who listened to New Order! It'll be anarchy! Civil war! Innocents will be slaughtered! Pestilence will sweep the land! Sacre bleu!  

Ah, Monday. With birds atwitter, the sun rose in the east and we gently stirred from our slumber, wiped the crust from our eyes and the coke toothpaste-and-talc cocktail from our nostrils, and greeted the new day by staring at Egotastic!'s set of pictures featuring Katherine Heigl in a bikini. And then we sat down to write a story about it, and accidentally typed "Keigl" instead of "Heigl" which kind of looks like "kegel" and then we started laughing and then after the laughing we started thinking about Katherine Heigl doing kegels while eating kugel and we laughed anew.  

• Janet Jackson says that her sex life was great when she was fat, and that her Ewok lover Jermaine Dupri would "grab me, pull me around the stomach, look me in the eyes and say, 'This needs love too!'" And then he'd gently insert his penis into her stomach folds.

• Britney Spears reportedly had a tummy tuck following the birth of SPFsquared. Slowly inching closer and closer to Tara Reid territory (Taratory?).

• Little Aaron Carter is engaged! To a Playboy Playmate! Presumeably, his pneumatic bride-to-be has seen AARON CARTER SHIRTLESS.

• Safely ogle Kelly Brook in her underwear from the comfort of your own home, free from fear of retaliation at the hands of your friend Billy Zane.

• Lindsay Lohan is looking to move to England, most likely because the English are the only people who can drink her under the table.

• Jackass Steve-O tells us, in great detail, about the time he masturbated onto Nicole Richie's back. And then her semi-exposed spinal column recognized the protein content of the expelled liquid and, revolted at the idea of nourishment, quickly whipped the offending substance away from Richie's person.

• Courtney Love and Whitney Houston: not only are they recovering substance abusers, they both have names that end in -tney! BFFs!

• Paris takes advantage of Lindsay Lohan's absence; flirts with Harry Morton. When the exposed pussy lips are away, the skank will play.

• Asia Argento turns 31 today, and celebrates by picking G-string bikini bottoms out of her anus. Mazel tov!  

OK, we've searched every single media outlet available to us, contacted our Deep Throats in twelve different countries, obsessively checked the hidden cameras we have secreted away in various sundry colonic clinics around the greater Hollywood area, and we've still got nothing. An entire twenty-four hours have passed without Britney Spears getting pregnant, and as far as we can tell, Lindsay Lohan managed to contain her labia within the confines of her clothing, so we're going to take up space by posting pictures of English actress Kelly Brook wearing a bikini.

 

The shimmering, carefree days of summer have drawn to a close, the three-day weekend has reached its end, we all have profound hangovers and the Crocodile Hunter is dead. Just when we thought things couldn't sink any lower or get any bleaker, along comes stupid Harry Morton and his stupid shiny teeth and his stupid stupid fat wallet and his stupid grabby hands to gently dig a deeper nadir and smilingly nudge us into it. To wit:



Hey, jerk. Thanks for reminding us that we'll never be allowed to lay our paws on the smooshy bits attached to Lohan. Unless we somehow manage to get adopted by a billionaire entrepeneur willing to finance our foray into the lucrative world of vagina-themed Mexican eateries as well as our new veneers. Which might be soon, if that sweet Craigslist ad we just placed pans out.  

• Matthew Broderick appears to have injured himself after falling off his wife.

• J. Lo es no preggo. "She is 100% not pregnant," says a rep, however, she is still 93% annoying.

• Tara Reid getting cockblocked from Hyde while Paris breezes right in = funny. The fact that the hottest club catering to young Hollywood is ironically blasting Kenny Loggins's "Footloose" = funnier.

• Lindsay Lohan changes her damn bikini almost as often as she changes her men.

• And speaking of Lindsay's wardrobe choices, she seems to have ditched the Kate Moss look and adopted a new fashion idol. The billowing, shapeless drawstring romper, the torpedo nips, the questionable footwear, the long, chalky black hair and the latte in hand . . . it's Britney all over again.

• Brad Pitt's parents were offended when, at Maddox Jolie-Pitt's birthday party, the elder Pitts were "the only ones not drinking." Including the 4-year-olds?

• Get Saved by the Buns when Mario Lopez (A.C. Slater) gets naked and homoerotic for Nip/Tuck.

• That Eminem boy has playdate with the little Girl Next Door, acts out, gets sent to the corner for a time out.

• Paris Hilton has been cast in a movie called The Hottie and the Nottie but keeps giving the thumbs down to potential leading men. An insider says, "A few [actors] have made it to a screen test with Paris but either the producers aren't happy or, more often, Paris has a problem with them. She is as picky with the men in her movies as she is in real life." AKA "not at all".  

Just three days ago we jested over Kate Beckinsale's workout regime and desire to emulate Jessica Biel's big, juicy posterior. Today we get photographic, bikini-fied proof of Kate's own rump. And, while not reaching the near J.Lo proportions of Biel's ass, Kate does look like if you were to push her over and she landed on her fanny she'd just bounce back up again, a la the Bozo Bop Bag.
 

We hate having to admit that someone as loathsome as Brandon Davis was right about something, but do you remember when, during the infamous "Firecrotch" diatribe, Brandon issued the definitive statement that Lindsay Lohan "has freckles coming out of her vagina"?



This crow doesn't taste so good.  

Penelope Cruz recently enjoyed a cruise (Cruz) around Ibiza with her mother. No word on what Mother Cruz was donning, but Pen was poured into this bikini:



After the cut, see what happened when she hit the water. We don't want to give anything away, so we'll employ the use of anagrams to give you a hint: when you see "Penelope" "peel open", you'll be "popen' eel"! Ho ho ho!  

• Who wears short shorts? Jessica Simpson wears short shorts. Heyyyyy. Nice mons pubis.

• Given the choice, Nick Lachey would rather be stuck on a desert island with Satan than with his supremely vile former father-in-law, Papa Joe Simpson. That makes 6 billion of us, Nick.

• Kate Moss might as well face that she's addicted to Pete Doherty. She wishes she knew how to quit him. Brokecrack Mountain?

• Another Doherty--Shannen--angrily hung up on a Newsweek reporter after being asked about her fiery, Naomi-Campbell-like, fired-from-Spelling-shows days. God, you run over a boyfriend 15 years ago and you never hear the end of it!

• "Christina Milian" kind of rhymes with "this tiny little thong". Sorta.

• The divorce gets ugly: Travis Barker questions his estranged wife Shanna Moakler's parenting skills, booze intake, nail salon visits, and open-door vagina policy . . . on his MySpace blog! We can't wait until she hits back with a string of vitriolic friend comments and some extra-hot profile pics taken in the bathroom mirror.

• Keith Urban, pre-tooth job looks an awful lot like Limahl of Kajagoogoo fame.

• Note to Nicole Richie: when size 000 bikini bottoms start to look like droopy adult sumo diapers, it might be time to try a cruller or something.

• One, two, princes kneel before you/thats what I said, now/princes, princes who adore you/just go ahead, now/William has a cosmo in his hand/that sounds great, now/Harry said he wants to honk your mam, now/aint in his head, now.  

You've seen pictures of Lindsay Lohan in a blue bikini. You've seen pictures of Lindsay Lohan boxing in the blue bikini. The pictures span every angle, every nuance of Lindsay's body, but you know what photographs can't do? They can't move, friends. That's why they invented the movies lo, so many years ago and now, thanks to the magic of paparazzi and the camera machine, we now have a video of those noteworthy Lo-cans in action. Watch in wonder as they bounce, sway, jiggle, and bob. The movie ain't a talkie, though; but it's the most titillating fun you'll have at the silent flickers since Theda Bara showed a little shoulder in Lady Audley's Secret!  

• K-Fed and Britney want to launch a non-false tabloid Magazine of Truth that doesn't tell any lies or nasty rumors or fun stuff about celebrities. Sorry to piss in your lemonade, but that already exists. It's called People.

• Jessica Simpson's mother does not agree with Papa Joe's willingness to pimp her out. Jessica responds by donning a semi-sheer dress. Nations rejoice, war and poverty and crime end.

• Heath Ledger: what a joker.

• Most actresses like to don an expensive, tasteful, and stunning designer gown to their post-wedding reception. Pam Anderson wears a skipper hat, a $12.99 bikini from Fashion Bug, and naked nipples.

• In some circles, Tom Cruise's crotch is known as The Punisher. Poor Katie Holmes has certainly suffered enough as a result of it.

• And is Tom about to ensnare K-Hole as his legal baby-baking concubine? If oversized planters and outdoor chandeliers are any indication of a Scientological spirit-uniting ceremony (and they certainly should be), then yes.

• What's more entertaining than a Mel Gibson mugshot? Pictures of Mel Gibson, well into his cups, manhandling strange women mere hours before said mugshot.

• Would you like to see Lindsay Lohan's box? Oh, wait, we meant "Lindsay Lohan boxing". So sorry.

• Speaking of Lohan, and nipples, and transparent apparel: Lindsay aped Jessica and ponied up some vague nip. Or did Jessica ape Lindsay? No matter--we're all winners here.  

Like a person with emphysema and terminal lung cancer sticking it to the medical community by smoking through his tracheotomy hole, Lindsay Lohan has given the proverbial "F U" to the bad man who sent her The Letter, heroically picked up her neglected bikinis, and booze, and defiantly shimmied off into the wee hours, leaving this bold and diabolical headline in her wake:

 

Lindsay Lohan was rushed to the hospital Tuesday afternoon after suffering from the newest, chicest celebrity malady: overheating. Everybody's doin' it. And thank god, because "exhaustion" was getting a little hackneyed at the go-to euphemism for keeling over after snorting an Everest-sized mountain of coke.  

We long ago gave up trying to decipher Lindsay Lohan's motives. From boffing Brett Ratner to smoking the wizz on Space Mountain, we've simply decided to accept all of Lindsay's questionable actions as charmingly youthful folly. But wearing what appears to be flesh-colored Warner's undergear as acceptable party dress is a real head-scratcher:



Then we heard the party was being thrown by Jeremy Piven, and it all came together.  

Ahhhh!!!! Everbody run! Tara Reid is on the other side of the pool! I heard she's been flashing her plastic tits all over the place! No one is safe! Get me out of here!  

We recently shared a moment with you--a moment in which a fading celebrity was in a pool with a small child and said child playfully pulled aside said celebrity's bikini top to reveal some just-above-the-water nipple. That celebrity was Courteney Cox, and we were totally stoked about the exposure of her nipple. This past weekend a similar situation occurred, but with slightly different results, due to the bikini top in question belonging to Tara Reid. We generally love nipples of all shapes, sizes, and configurations, but Tara Reid's nipple is less like a baby-suckling device and more like a plastic-surgery hot dog--pieced together out of leftover lips and assholes. It's probably 76% discarded Joan Rivers flesh.  

There's a very good reason why Hollywood types keep themselves locked up in the VIP sections of exclusive clubs and multimillion-dollar homes in the Hills, only emerging for vital necessities like coke and non-fat, low-foam triple-shot buckywuckyccinos. They're just too beautiful to be seen by people who are used to being surrounded by three-hundred-pound Wal-Mart employees from Joliet who are in desperate need of some expensive dental work and VO5 hot oil. If Kate Hudson can cause a helicopter crash and Eva Longoria can bring down a photographer, just think what kind of destruction Angelina Jolie could cause if she was spotted in a bikini. Maybe that will be the catalyst for the world's ultimate destruction. People magazine's 50 Most Beautiful People will gather on a Malibu beach and hurricanes, tsunamis, earthquakes and the like will bring about our planet's end.  

• Jessica Simpson, in a bikini, on vacation. She's taking great care to conceal her crotch behind various objects, which can only mean one thing: BABY BUMP! Just kidding, she probably forgot to shave.

• Ever wonder what goes on behind the closed doors at a high-powered meeting in which executives get together with the Olsen twins to discuss their next line of clothing/cosmetics/cereal/handbags? Tareytons, is what. Cartons and cartons and cartons of Tareytons.

• Take a stick of raw linguine, dye it paper-bag brown, glue a Crystal Barbie wig to the top of it and two half coconut shells halfway down, and what do you get? Victoria Beckham.

• Jennifer Ellison wears panties that show her clam. Her pussyclam.

• Big fluffy hair was cool in the '80s; Tommy Lee sported the look well into the '90s. And now that it's 2006, Tommy Lee has finally moved on to last decade, showing off some highly sweet tribal tattoos paired with Manic Panic hair. Luckily, huge dongs never go out of style.

• The Curious Birth of Suri No Middle Name Cruise: the legend continues.

• Jackie Chan, all hopped up on Seagram's Golden Wine Coolers, causes a rumpus at a concert. We'd expect that kind of behavior from a McConaughey or a Sutherland, but that nice Chan boy?

• Alyssa Milano wants to create a line of women's sports fan gear. Which, if her shirt is any indication, will involve lots of pastel smocking and rainbow beads. Go team!

• Stacey Dash, naked in Playboy. Not a Monet.  

Posting pictures of celebrities wearing bikinis serves several purposes. First and foremost, it gives you, the reader, a reason to touch yourself, you know, down there. Second, it's sheer laziness on our part--we don't have to be our usually sparkling selves, whizzing zingers from beyond cyberspace. But most importantly, Jessica Biel's butt serves the important purpose of a beer rest, pillow, or stepstool. And that, friends, marks the first time the words "butt" and "stool" have appeared together in a very sexy sentence.
 

On the Fourth of July, people tend to get all choked up with patriotic love. After a half dozen hot dogs and twice as many ice cold Coors Lights, you better believe that fine Americans across this great, fat land of ours are participating in the pasttimes that make this country great; namely, humming the national anthem, flying Old Glory, fraternizing with their countrymen, writing cuss words in the air with the glow of a sparkler, and looking at pictures of great Americans in bikinis. We apologize for not being with you in your time of need yesterday and failing to provide you with said pictures. After the cut, we salute our foreskinfathers and do our national duty.

 

This one's a two-parter.



Q: Why isn't Courteney Cox-Arquette's daughter Coco wearing water wings in the ocean?  

• Jessica Simpson has lost the part of Lucy Ewing in the upcoming Dallas movie because movie bosses are concerned she'd out-diva the biggest diva on the set, John Travolta. Oooops, we meant to say Jennifer Lopez. Did we really say "John Travolta"? How silly of us.

• So who ended up winning that coveted Lucy Ewing role? Katie Cassidy, daughter of Partridge Family teen dreamboat David. Pictures here. "Rock Heiress". That's funny.

• Mischa Barton on the beach, in a bikini. New! Improved! Now with 100% less Nicole Richie!

• Gwyneth Paltrow is "cutting" some "hot tracks" in the studio, possibly for an album. Nothing could ever top the bunny-soft, bun-numbing pap-rock track "Cruisin'" she recorded with Huey Lewis. Why bother?

• Star Jones: FIRED from The View! Barbara Walters: BETRAYED! Joy Behar: GLEEFUL! Al Reynolds: Gay as a garden party! Us: bored and hungry. You got any Pop Tarts or Li'l Hugs?

• Jessica Simpson's new video involves Christina Applegate, Christina Milian, Eva Longoria, a terry-cloth romper, and roller skates. Sweet, it's just like the Dire Straits "Skateaway" video, only with famous broads. Yayyyy!

• Britney: evil purple sea witch? Yes.

• Well, Kate Beckinsale and her husband certainly look very together, after all.

• Lindsay says, "I did not have sexual intercourse with . . . that man. Mr. McFly."

• Someone stop Sharon Stone before she adopts again!  

Despite what our dazzling good looks and brilliantly clever barbs might imply, we at CelebNewsWire are indeed human, and do occasionally make mistakes. When we said, the other day, that Justin Timberlake had shitcanned Cameron Diaz, we were wrong. However, when we said in that same story that she had gone topless at the beach, we were right. Damn right. Oh, what's that you say? "Prove it"? "Post pictures"? Well, okay. Sure.  

It's been a busy week for Cameron Diaz. She's reportedly been dumped by long-time love Justin Timberlake and she's lost her bikini top at the beach. But when you think about it, showing your boobs to God and everyone in a public place really is the best course of action a famous lady can take after suffering the injustice (inJustince?) of being shitcanned by her cherub-curled child lover.  

Hello there, Audrey Tautou, gamine French star of such films as Amélie and summer blockbuster The Da Vinci Code. Your bikini top seems to be in a precarious position there, gamine French star Audrey Tautou.



At this point, we'd like to take a page from the Choose-Your-Own-Adventure series.

If Audrey successfully pulls up her swimsuit top, keeping her buttery French pastries hidden from view, stop wasting time and get off the internet and get to work, slacker.

If Audrey's troublesome bikini top slides down to reveal a button-tipped expanse of female human mammary gland, turn to page Egotastic!.  

Our gossip godhead, FemaleFirst, reports that Jessica Alba is "desperate"--desperate!--to sun her bare beans at the beach this summer. And she would be able to get away with it, too, if it weren't for you pesky paparazzi!  

Nicole Richie (admittedly looking a little beefier and healthier than the last time she ventured out in a bikini) joyously allows her buddies to admire her delicately exposed sternum and lack of ass on the beach. On this, the day after Memorial Day, let's all take a moment out of our busy day to pause and silently remember the flesh that has died and fallen off Nicole's body in the past two years. Never forget.