We absolutely, unequivocally believe that we are just moments away from seeing Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey perform the hillbilly interpretation of sex on our very own moving-image-machine thingy. But then again, we also believe that we are a magical creature birthed of the union of a unicorn and a hallucinogenic mushroom and that we can shoot diamonds encased in fire out of our ass. So what we believe might not hold much water.  

When celebrity couples break up we are usually reduced to crying and screaming and weeping and kicking passing puppies in the head. But when Britney Spears and Kevin Federline broke up we baked a twelve-layer cake, drank a case of two buck Chuck, and took the good jewels out of the vault. It was a party. But the crying and screaming et al. can now commence, as Kevin claims that no Ferderspears sex tape exists.  

• Kirsten Dunst's teatlets meet a lace-paneled dress, peekaboo nippage ensues. The pictures are old, but so are you, geezer.

• John Mayer and Jessica Simpson are together again, naturally. Even though they say they weren't together in the first place. But they are now. Probably. Eh.

• Well, we had the dubious honor of viewing the Screech sex tape yesterday. What can we say about it? He refers to himself in the third person, as "the D Man", he is more interested in the various edibles the ladies have around their hotel room than their vaginas, and the first 15 minutes consist of Dustin and his lady in a bubble bath, discussing the finer points of 24. Fleshbot has their own review. And screencaps.

• Agent Scully had a baby! And despite her insistence that the child was sired by boyfriend Clyde Klotz, her ex-husband Julian Ozanne is demanding a paternity test. So we can find out it's half-alien. And then Mulder will watch porn and there will be sexual tension, etc.

• Australian Holly Valance's nipple boomerangs out of her swimsuit. Crikey!

• Keira Knightley is engaged to her actor arm candy Rupert Friend. Can you imagine calling up your parents and saying, "Mom, Dad, I am going to be Mrs. Rupert Friend"? And then your parents would howl with laughter and say, "Sure, and I'm about to marry Nigel Sparkleshowers! Ahahahaha! His best man will be Cecil Rhys-Babybunnybottom! Hahahahaha!"

• Penelope Cruz half naked for Pirelli. Why are you still reading this?

• Janet Jackson has made whoopee on a plane. In her seat. Surrounded by passengers. And peanuts. And crying babies. And manhandled issues of Flight magazine. And the heady stench of impeding fiery death. Anyone else have a boner right now?

• Will Smith says that he and Jada are homeschooling their children, because history and dates aren't important, and anything of consequence you need to know, like for example how to fly a space shuttle, can be found in books. So if you see a couple of confused children wandering around Hollywood, scratching their asses and crying because they don't know how to find bus fare or talk to non-Cruises, but do know how to commandeer a submarine, they would be the Smith progeny.  

Paris: Everyone knows that I'm, like, super super hot, but I just figured something out. If I stand next to people who get their clothes out of the Salvation Army drop box and can't keep their weaves on straight--like this girl--I look even hotter.  

Christmas is coming (haw) and if you're in a quandry in regards to what to stuff in the stockings of various family members, might we suggest a new, shrinkwrapped copy of Saved by the Smell, the soon-to-be-released sex tape featuring Dustin "Screech" Diamond, his rumored long dong, a couple of dames, and a schmear of feces on someone's upper lip? This tape has been an object of much excitement around the CNW offices, and now a brand new "trailer" has been released here. No storied wang, but we do get to hear Screech utter the phrases "the D-Man" and "the brotherhood of the bros" and see a couple of ladies crack snacking. However, the part that interests us the most is the ad below the video player touting a "discrete adult shop". A porn store involving no calculus whatsoever? Sign us up!  

It's official: For every day until the end of time (or at least until Britney's demise in a bizarre poisoned hair-extension accident) you will encounter a minimum of three gossip items concerning Britney Spears and/or Kevin Federline. Today, Kevin allegedly tries to sell a sex tape, but if that falls through he'll always have that intriguing surveillance footage from his car, and Vogue turns down free pics of Jayden.  

Today in Britney news: You can stop the "analysis" you've been conducting of that supposed Britney Spears sex tape. It's a fake. But if your perversions run more toward reckless child endangerment rather than wagging wangs, then you're in luck, as Kevin Federline is suing Britney for custody of their two children. And we're almost 87% positive that Kevin has enough tact not to resort to a Sean P./Jayden/Apple Martin sex tape for cash. 87%.  

On most days pictures of a re-hotted Britney Spears letting Jayden's favorite hobby (i.e. her breasts) hang halfway out of her dress would be big f-ing news and we wouldn't need to say another word about our favorite poptart. But today isn't just any day. It's the day of all hope and glory and regained wanking possibilities. Britney lost an unsightly layer of blubber surrounding her once-worshiped physique, and she also lost that big pile of donkey shit she's been carting around and covering in diamonds for two years. So today we have two Britney stories. After the jump, sex tape, fake wedding, possible fake divorce. Oh holy day!  

You thought it was odd when your parents said they were so proud of you after you rode the school bus by yourself. You thought it was stranger yet when they proclaimed their pride after you fouled up your lines in your church's Christmas pageant and said, "Unto you a child is burned!" But Paris Hilton's got you beat--nothing makes Rick and Kathy Hilton beam with pride quite like their eldest daughter's X-rated undercover sex video.  

Celebrity sex tapes: not just a fad for also-rans and F-listers anymore. No, friends, esteemed thespian Dustin "Screech" Diamond and his Dirty Sanchez have elevated the previously mockable medium to a legitmate art form, and now even silver screen heavyweights are getting in on the action. Like . . . maybe . . . Scarlett Johansson? Possibly? Mayhaps?  

Yesterday we brought you the tale of Screech and the Dirty Sanchez. Today TMZ has tape. Of course the clip they have is so tame even the word "poop" is censored. But there is a shot of Dustin Diamond in a candle-lit bubble bath to get your panties creaming. Or your bile bubbling. Whichever.
 

As the celebrity-sex-tape market gets glutted, our sensitivities become numb. Scott Stapp and Kid Rock getting blown by groupies while bro-ing down backstage? Eh, kind of gross. O.J. Simpson getting nasty on tape and letting his conquest get away alive? Mildly shocking. But not since we were subjected to Chyna's engorged clitoris/teeny teeny weenis have we been so frightened by the prospect of seeing a "celebrity" getting their nuts toasted on camera. And just why are we so frightened, you ask? Because of these five words: Dustin Diamond, threeway, dirty sanchez.  

Perhaps you are the world's biggest Jessica Simpson and/or Vanessa Minnillo fan and your heart yearns to view these chaste, ripe young things engaged in triple-X action. Or, possibly, you are obsessed with the dreamy blue eyes of Nick Lachey, spending your days cutting his face out of Bop magazine and pasting it atop the models of the International Male catalog. Well, guess what? You're S.O.L., because the dude is not planning on making a Paris Hilton style sex tape with his ex or present love anytime soon.  

• Heath Ledger got squirted with water as a prank and took it really personally. What, are you gonna cry about it? Huh, little tiny baby Heathie? Gonna cry? Go on, cryyyyyy, baby! Cryyyyyy!

• Piloh Shitt, for real this time:

Many, many more pictures of mom, dad, Zahara, new baby, and nursing bra here.

• We're just a copper hair away from seeing the freckles pouring forth from Lindsay Lohan's firecrotch.

• Speaking of Lindsay, she incurred the fiery wrath of Vogue editrix Anna Wintour at the CFDA Awards when she failed to get a hall pass to visit the potty. Six times. In two hours.

• Elle MacPherson is still a foxy MacPerson.

• Nicole Richie, mad with hunger, throws water all over some poor paparazzo. Maybe she mistook him for Heath Ledger?

• Jessica Alba pulls a Teri Hatcher and trusses up her already buoyant, flawless blammos with tape. Son of a bitch.

• Katherine Heigl wants to show off her Grey's Anatomy on a sex tape. We can say with utterly no sarcasm whatsoever that the idea is a wonderful one and should be carried out immediately, and with zest.

• PIcking up freshly-laid, warm dog crap with a plastic bag makes Mariah's nipples hard.

• Chris "alpha heterosexual male" Klein grows the beard that Topher Grace just shaved off.  

The celebrity sex tape is a no-win situation. Sure, you'd like to see your favorite famous person having 100% actual totally real sexual intercourse on camera in a medium you can watch in the comfort of your own home. However, the stars who have actually filmed and distributed tapes aren't exactly the cream of the crop. Sure, Pam Anderson is exciting enough, but watching her bobble atop the meat tubes of various sundry '80s pap-rockers kind of ruins the experience. Today, a new tape has been released featuring O.J. Simpson and we never thought we'd say it, but it's making us look fondly on the Tom Sizemore tape.  

She's Fonda threesomes, and she'll Turner him over to administer a hearty rogering. Last names gain new hilarity as author Allan MacDonell, in his new book Prisoner of X, writes of viewing a sex tape involving Jane Fonda, then-husband Ted Turner, a random woman, and a strap-on.  

Yada yada yada . . . Paris Hilton sex tape . . . lesbian . . . Playboy Playmate . . . blah blah blah . . . Is this story even necessary at this point? Shouldn't we just assume that Paris has made sex tapes with everyone from Snuffleupagus to Yakov Smirnoff?  

If you were to ask us to make a list of two celebrities we'd want to see together in a sex tape, "Kid Rock and Scott Stapp" would fall somewhere between "Biz Markie and Carol Channing" and "Harvey Weinstein and a bag of fat sucked out of Star Jones's neck". But alas, nightmares have become reality. Safe for work preview after the jump.  

When you arrived home from work last night we bet you cracked open a can of Fancy Feast for Mr. Winkles, popped a Lean Cuisine entree into the microwave for yourself, and then got on the internet and went directly to DirtyColin.com with hopes of filling your long evening with nothing but Alexander cock. And when you got there you waited . . . and waited . . . and waited . . . and nothing happened. You never got a peek at Colin's Dirk Diggler dick. And then you cried.  

We saw Britney & Kevin: Chaotic; we know that somewhere, hidden beneath baby Sean's jars of pureed Cheetos and fried chicken, there is a sex tape. And finally we have discerned the advantage in not being on the Us Weekly payroll (other than not getting the shit beaten out of us by Cameron Diaz, of course): When we talk about a probable Brit and Kev sex tape, only a couple of skeevy old pervs pay attention. When Us Weekly talks about it, they get sued.  

We have never believed one single word that has come out of the mouth of Paris Hilton. Whenever she said, "That's hot," we thought, "That's not even as hot as a polar bear screwing a penguin." And to our knowledge she has never said, "My cooch smells like a year-old bag of Doritos." That we would believe. So whatever crap she's spewing today about whether or not she met and/or boinked Tom Sizemore pretty much sounds like "Abracadabra Kal-El Shazam!" to us.  

After its engagement-induced period of relative hibernation, Paris Hilton's vagina is hungry once again. Hungry for Greeks bearing gifts. Penile gifts.  

Paris Hilton wants you to know that although she may have banged Nick Carter, Rick Salomon, Jason Shaw, Simon Rex, Deryck Whibley, Vincent Gallo (deep breath, deep breath), Paris Latsis, and Stamos Nachos, she's gotta draw the line somewhere, and that somewhere is Tom Sizemore. However, we feel that Paris may have found some sort of handy carnal loophole--maybe she means that she dorked his phony baloney in lieu of an actual flesh-to-flesh liaison.  

Like the rest of you, we watched Britney and Kevin: Chaotic with a combination of fear, revulsion, glee, confusion, and explosive diarrhea. Like you, we thought to ourselves, "Selves, it is a possibility--nay, a given--that these two mental pygmies have one or two or thirty sex tapes hanging around their home, most likely not well-hidden." Well, we're all a bunch of regular Encyclopedia Browns and Flossie Bobbseys because we were right! Oh, God help us. We were right.  

• We've been warning you for weeks now, but the day is upon us: the ill-famed Tom Sizemore sex tape is now available for your online perusal. It's here, it's real. Live it, love it, own it.

• Are Sienna and Jude finito for good? Reportedly, she's told him to take his little kitty dick and shove it. Forever.

• Crepey, arthritic, doddering geezers take note: yes, you have a shot with Jessica Alba!

• Yesterday, we were told that Eminem was cancelling his tour due to Exhaustion. Which means "drugs" or "eating disorder". Today, the former is confirmed.

• The first time Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell had sex, it was an alarming experience. Alarming! Guffaw!

• Are you there, Miss Cleo? It's me, Jennifer Aniston.

• Listen, we know Coq Rock. Coq Rock was a friend of ours. Slipknot, you're no Coq Rock.

• For the aging celebrity pedophile who has everything: a detachable nose.

 

We haven’t yet adequately expressed our deep love and admiration for Anna Nicole Smith. Anyone who has read her column in The National Enquirer knows why she is so loved. Part of it is written by her dog, for Liberace’s sake. Mariah Carey may just have to scooch over on that pedestal we erected (hehe, erected!) for her and make room for Anna Nicole. And if Anna Nicole succeeds in her quest to get Colin Farrell to give her a private screening of his sex tape, Mariah’s gonna have to get caught in a threeway with Paris Hilton and Tinkerbell to regain the top spot in our hearts.  

• Colin Farrell gets restraining order against Nicole Narain--he's afraid that pesky sex tape will harm his "reputation and career". His reputation is that of a serial ass-tapper; his last movie was Alexander. Dude has nowhere to go but up.

• Joss Stone has a bum double in a Gap advert? Why, we're bloody gutted over the news! Pip, pip! Tut, tut! Tally ho!

• Scotty's remains are going to be beamed up FOR REAL.

• Journalists dish all: Tom Cruise is creepy, Catherine Zeta-Jones is as dumb as a turd, Andy Garcia is a big fat ugmo, and MORE!

• Angelina and new baby Zahara enjoy a day out; Maddox deemed "too old", forced to stay home in a closet, eating bread crusts.

• If you're friends with Gwen Stefani, you may just find your cute outfit being knocked off, churned out by Chinese orphans and mass-marketed.

• Tom and Katie "can't wait for a baby!" Problem is, they have no idea how you make one.

• Um, hi, celebrities? Yeah, hi, it's us. Listen, guys, could you be a little more exciting? I mean, we don't want to have to do the CNW Junk Drawer every single day because you give us nothing to write about. The Jude Law nannyfucking was a great start . . . maybe you could all be a little more like Jude? Like, just start grabbing asses, or make out with Erik Estrada at a party, or buy a gun and wave it around. Scream, shout, piss on a wall with abandon! Anything! Please! Love, Your Friends at CelebNewsWire.  

For the moment, legendary Hollywood greasewad/cocksman Colin Farrell has cast aside his dreams of boffing an octogenarian to concentrate on more important things, like preventing his sex tape with Playboy Playmate Nicole Narain from seeing the light of day. 158% of heterosexual men would be awfully proud of such a tape, so one can only assume that Mr. Farrell posesses something that he doesn't want the public to see. Like a vestigial tail. Or a Wham! tattoo. Not that we know anything about Wham! tattoos or anything. God, we fucking miss Andrew Ridgeley.  

Remember when we brought you the videotape of rapper Eve getting a faux dong slammed into her secret special lady-place? You may have to think back pretty far, since we brought it to you last Friday, long before any other blogs or sites. Because we are champs. At any rate, Eve is none too pleased, and she has issued a statement in regards to this sex tape. You know, the one we showed you last Friday.  

Take our hand, won't you, and come with us on a trip in the Way-Back Machine. Hold on tight now--we're heading clear back to the 20th century, to a little year called 1999. America was mourning the Columbine tragedy, Clinton was still getting bjs in the White House, American Beauty was topping the box office, a sexy young upstart named Ricky Martin was setting the world alight with his infectious brand of Puerto Rican-flavored pop, and rapper Eve took on a very large dildo on videotape. WHAZZZAAAAAP!