Friday morning as you were climbing over the little old lady with the club foot to get to the half-price cashmere rack, you heard the strains of Wham!'s "Last Christmas" and knew that you were in for a torturous month of George Michael haunting your dreams. But just be thankful that the Christmas stylings of Heidi Klum have yet to make it to the overhead sound system at Macy's.
(And, yes, we realize that we are making fun of a woman who just days ago gave birth to her third child, but we're ok with that.)
Pamela Anderson has confirmed that she has had a miscarriage. We've been sitting here for nearly an hour trying to think of a way to make a ha-ha without sounding like unsympathetic a-holes, to no avail. Luckily the funny wrote itself: Turns out Pam's tragedy was the impetus for Denise Richardsbeaning a wheelchair-bound septuagenarian with her Vaio. Yay!
Sometimes reading gossip magazines is like living in the world described in A Handmaid's Tale, a world in which everyone's eyes are glued to women's lower abdomens, breathlessly anticipating the faintest hint of bloat, loose-fitting garments, or A.M. barfing. The latest uterus under scrutiny is the one nestled in Angelina Jolie's sexy guts, and sources allege that she's about to make it Irish twins. Trendy double stroller with extra-large latte holder TK!
Bobby Brown has knocked up Super Head, a.k.a. Karrine Steffans. Apparently whack crack gives sperm super powers to defy modern medical science and all the rules of logic.
Finally Bobbi Kristina Brown will have a celebrity offspring to look down upon and say, "That kid is soooo f'ed up." Kate Moss is pregnant with Pete Doherty's child.
Are you sick of necklaces made of diamonds, rubies, and emeralds? Had your fill of gold and silver and platinum? Then why don't you follow Tori Spelling's example and wear something you've peed on around your neck? It's unique and classy.
Scary Spice is pregnant with Eddie Murphy's (eighth!) child. We think we've figured out The Spice Girls' evil plan: to take the pop world by storm in fifteen to twenty years with Spice Kids. It'll be just like The Osmond Boys, only with five scary stage moms instead of just Marie. Look for offspring from Sporty and Baby, TK fall '07.
It's been confirmed (sort of) that Tori Spelling is full of the spawn of Dean McDermott. If the baby is born with half the traits of each parent, we'll expect it to be constructed of plastic molded to nearly resemble actual human body parts and made-for-extended-basic-cable movie credits.
Amanda Peet is pregnant! Kudos to you, Amanda Peet! You allowed a man to place his penis inside your vagina and create friction via a thrusting motion until he ejaculated semen into your birth canal whereupon one of the sperm in said semen fertilized an egg that had been released by your ovary. Excellent work, Amanda Peet!
Paris Hilton has been officially charged with drunk driving. Now, if only she were to be officially charged by the fashion police. Ooh! That's right! We went there! Uh-huh! Two snaps up, girlfriend!
Ashlee Simpsonpremiered as Roxie Hart in the London Cambridge Theatre's production of Chicago Monday night. And alas, there was no one with an oversized novelty hook, nor any clowns with comical janitor's brooms in sight.
Lindsay Lohan's father brags about porking his daughter's Herbie stunt double. No punch line needed.
A helpful compendium of celebrity nippage to clip, save, collect, and trade with friends.
Tom and K-Hole are looking for a project they can star in together. Might we suggest adapting Ronnie Spector's biography, Be My Baby? Though Tom as a megalomaniacal, shrimpy Svengali with a predilection for shades holding his young and innocent wife captive in their own home might be a bit of a stretch. Har de har har.
The National Enquirer claims that Britney Spears gave birth to a son at 2 A.M. today, despite reports that Kevin Federline's fourth inexplicable extension of DNA would take girl form and be named Jailynn and make her entrance unto the world in two days, forever upstaging the birthday of big brother Sean. According to The Enquirer:
"Kevin took Britney to the hospital in the evening hours of Sept. 11 to prepare for the Cesarean birth," an insider said. Only her mother Lynn, and her sister Jamie Lynn were present at the birth. None of Kevin's family was there.
Right after the baby was born, Kevin got the word out to his family and close friends.
Britney's just lucky that she didn't pop the tot out two hours earlier, as a much overlooked amendment to the Constitution states that any children born on September 11th must take for a middle name the names of every person killed on 9/11. Hyphenated, of course, to make it less confusing.
Pictures of lush-maned moppet Suri Cruise came along yesterday and clapped a chubby little baby hand over our naysaying mouths. Not to be outdone by her eye-singeing cuteness, Britney Spears is reportedly set to deliver Federspawn #2 today via C-section. Though, unlike Suri, this baby will not score the cover of Vanity Fair. Weekly World News, American Tractor Guide, or Wigger Weekly? Maybe.
Once in a while we jump on a story that may not be based in anything that resembles fact. Like if we heard a story about Britney Spears's plans to gain a bunch of weight, don a muumuu, and take to the stage as a Divine impersonator, we'd run with it. Sure, we might have to run a retraction, but we'd get a few laughs out of it first. But sometimes we get things wrong and it's not the fault of our lack of journalistic ethics or even our extreme laziness. Sometimes famous people are really, really dumb. And today David Beckham happens to fall in that category.
In case you were under the mistaken impression that an eighty-eight-pound body with all the curvy womanly features of an eleven-year-old is insufficient to support human life, Victoria Beckham proves your assumption wrong by gestating her fourth child.
You've likely seen photos recently of Nicole Kidman touching her stomach or wearing a sweatshirt that doesn't cling to reveal every protruding rib with a caption of "Baby Bump!' "Baby on Board!" "Is Nicole Preggers?" "Oh Mama!" "Oh Baby!" or some such drivel. Well, Nicole's people claim those photos were doctored. Welcome, folks, to the new "She's not strung out, she works too hard and needs a nice hospital rest": "She didn't eat a whole side of ribs and a quart of baked beans; nor is she full of her husband's/boyfriend's/cabana boy's sperm. The photos were doctored."
So you're a woman doing your yearly duty of having cold, hard metal shoved up your lady business. You're in a cold room, covered by a scratchy piece of thin blue paper, with your legs up in an uncomfortable position and a doctor's head perched near a sensitive area. In other words, this is not the time for a usually coveted celebrity sighting. But try telling that to Peter Sarsgaard.
J. Lo es no preggo. "She is 100% not pregnant," says a rep, however, she is still 93% annoying.
Tara Reid getting cockblocked from Hyde while Paris breezes right in = funny. The fact that the hottest club catering to young Hollywood is ironically blasting Kenny Loggins's "Footloose" = funnier.
Lindsay Lohan changes her damn bikini almost as often as she changes her men.
And speaking of Lindsay's wardrobe choices, she seems to have ditched the Kate Moss look and adopted a new fashion idol. The billowing, shapeless drawstring romper, the torpedo nips, the questionable footwear, the long, chalky black hair and the latte in hand . . . it's Britney all over again.
Brad Pitt's parents were offended when, at Maddox Jolie-Pitt's birthday party, the elder Pitts were "the only ones not drinking." Including the 4-year-olds?
Paris Hilton has been cast in a movie called The Hottie and the Nottie but keeps giving the thumbs down to potential leading men. An insider says, "A few [actors] have made it to a screen test with Paris but either the producers aren't happy or, more often, Paris has a problem with them. She is as picky with the men in her movies as she is in real life." AKA "not at all".
Hey all you thirteen-year-old girls who check out CelebNewsWire every day for the latest in celebrity nip slips and upskirts, put down your Bratz dolls and your Nintendogs, 'cause we've got a treat for you. And he goes by the name Jesse McCartney. Sure, he's talking about the state of Jennifer Lopez's womb, but still, we'll probably never mention him again, unless he turns out to have a secret sex tape with a cast member of Laguna Beach or one of the Olsens or something, so enjoy.
Posters depicting Britney Spears in her naked, heavy with with baby pose from last month's Bazaar have been censored in the subways of Japan, for being "too stimulating". This, from a country that was the birthplace of bukkake and tentacle porn.
Brittany Murphy has ended her engagement to best boy/grip Joe Macaluso. Brittany, do you actually think you're going to be able to do better? He's the BEST boy, for Christ's sake!
Proving you can never have too much of a good thing: even more pictures of the expansive side of Lindsay Lohan's enormous, speckled breast.
And Lindsay's dad is quite the little Jim Davis, taking pen to paper and cartooning the demons pulling his daughter from his fatherly embrace. Impressive, but we would have drawn Lindsay crying "ACK!" and holding a bikini on a hanger to illustrate her body-image issues.
A devious, scrawny mammal that steals sneakily, and Kevin Federline. One and the same, friends, but which one has more facial hair?
Britney angrily refused to allow Jessica Simpson to kiss her pregnant belly, which is the first smart thing Britney's done, child-rearing-wise. Perhaps she didn't want to risk having her fetus get poisoned by toxic, cupcake-scented plumping gloss.
Remember that girl who sat behind you in tenth-grade chem lab who was kind of sweet and pretty, but then halfway through the year she got mixed up with a totally scuzzy twenty-three-year-old boyfriend who led her to lots of drugs and trouble and then one day she disappeared and you heard that she'd went into prostitution and got knocked up by her dealer? Then a couple years later you ran into her in the shampoo aisle at Target and she looked really good, clean and happy and pulled together, and her kid had turned out rather cute and she said she'd quit drugs and found a nice guy who worked at a bank and he loved her and adopted the kid and loved him as his own? This is that girl:
Except in this case she hasn't met the banker yet and is still with the scuzzy boyfriend.
Suri No Middle Name Cruise pictures might finally appear soon . . . in Vanity Fair! Hopefully on the cover, wrapped in swaddling clothes, using Scarlett Johansson's ass crack as a manger.
Pam from The Office becomes Pam from The Duff-ass.
When Janet Jackson wants her water cold, she wants her water cold, dammit. Also, yes, she did feel that pea placed under her 12 mattresses last night.
Sienna Miller dons dirty pink cowboy boots, a wedding dress, a red Cleopatra wig, and an exposed upskirt cotton panty look. Indeed, she is truly the fashion icon of our time.
Although Pam Anderson and her handsometalentedintelligentcharming dirty-blonde husband Kid Rock have only been married a scant week or so, they work fast. She recently revealed that she might already be roasting up baby w.t. royalty in her sexy, sexy womb. Thank God for that--Baby Federspears 2 will need someone to mate with in thirteen years.
Christie Brinkley's husband says sorry. "Sorry! Sorry for having sexy sex with a teenager. Seriously, sorry about that. My b."
David Hasselhoff as Captain Hook in a London production of Peter Pan? Those are some pretty gay big shoes to fill. Only one man can replace The Hoff, and that's The Fonz. Ayyyyy.
Agent Scully is preggo . . . by an alien! No, by a businessman. Whatever.
Carmen Electra, former wife of Dennis Rodman and newly split from Dave Navarro, was seen on a date with Jamie Foxx. Well, you know the old saying: once you go black, you go back once and then a few years later you look in the mirror and say "I'm married to a guy who still wears eyeliner and feather boas in 2006" and THEN you vow to never go back. Or something.
Did Fergie get dumped? Get dumped get dumped get dumped? Check it out.
For some celebrities--your Katie Holmeses and your Angelina Jolies--pregnancy can elevate their careers and make them visible to tabloids for the first time. In the world of celebrity gossip a baby is akin to sprouting a unicorn horn--people just can't look away. Look at Liv Tyler; she somehow survived a Ben Affleck cinematic romantic coupling and a prolonged career break, yet she's still in Us Weekly every couple of weeks. But for Kelly Rowland, motherhood is just going to get in the way of her plans. Beyonce would never let that happen.
Hey, look, it's an outtake from Britney Spears's naked pregnant Bazaar photo shoot.
Yeah, it's pretty flattering and yeah, it's kind of hot, but keep in mind that upwards of 200 people worked for a week and a half to airbrush and Photoshop and CGI-ify her into the pure, poreless, slick plane of virtual reality girl you see before you, so if you are sexually excited by this photo, you probably also like to masturbate while watching the hypersurreal beings of the hit holiday film The Polar Express.
Hey, guys, it's Reese Witherspoon here, and I just want to take a few minutes to talk about the state of my womb, because it is TOTALLY EMPTY. And what Star magazine said about me is just totally mean. I used to think it was funny when they would say that Jennifer Lopez was pregnant when she wasn't. Because you just know that she goes like three weeks eating nothing but celery sticks and lemon water and then flips out and eats like four burritos and that's when the paparazzi catch her looking all swollen in the belly. But I'm not like that, I swear, I cook dinner every night and I eat everything on my plate, because I don't waste things. Because that's the way I was raised--in a proper home. So that's why I'm suing Star. Because I learned a few things from Paul Newman when I worked with him on that one movie where I showed my tits--which I will NEVER do again, so stop asking me--and the most important thing is to not take any shit from so-called journalists. Because I will always make more money than they do, which makes me better than them.
Posh Spice to become godmother to Ginger Spice's baby daughter, Bluebell Spice. That's nice. When Bluebell needs advice on bulimia, tanning beds, and how to be a good trophy wife, she'll have a wealth of information at her fingertips.
Nicole Kidman sends a case of beer to the paparazzi. We assume the reason for this was so that they wouldn't notice that her face has been freshly pulled, drawn up and over the back of her skull, and tacked into place for her upcoming nuptials.
So you thought your mom was embarrassing when she insisted on dropping you off for your first day of high school and, dressed in a flowered muu-muu and bath slippers and curlers, pinched your cheeks and nuzzled your nose and said how much she loved her little snuggly-wuggly-piggly-poo right in front of a huge group of ultra-cool upper classmen? Well, you're sure to feel better about your mom once you contemplate this fact: Anna Nicole Smith's having a baby. So, really, it could be worse. Because after the above exchange, Anna Nicole would have ripped off the muu-muu and had sex with one of those upper classmen in the middle of the football field during a pep rally.
Ashton Kutcher is desperate to inseminate his nanna/wife, Demi Moore. (Because celebrities never want to simply pass on their DNA or have an excuse to buy a Louis Vuitton diaper bag; they're positively desperate for a baby.) He's even abandoning his duties as nerd matchmaker to make it happen. At least he's neglecting Beauty and the Geek and not Punk'd. There would be mass suicides if we weren't offered the chance to watch celebrities cry and scream at their assistants when their car was impounded just because they parked it on top of a handicapped homeless Vietnam vet and a fire hydrant.
