Mischa Barton, sad over her waning career and slovenly unwashed paramour, cries and cries and demands an engagement ring and threatens to kill herself and take her poor dog with her. We're not sure what's more disturbing: Puppy murder or thinking Cisco Adler makes an ideal life mate.  

Next time you're hanging out with Grandpa Lou and he follows up the always-original pull-my-finger gag with "A priest, a nun, and a rabbi walk into a bar," you can use real celebrity life for your own witty rejoinder. Look to the gossip gods for inspiration and you'll be gifted with a timeless joke that begins "Paris Hilton, a goat, and a kinkajou monkey walk into a cemetery . . . "  

The libidinal pairing that we have long feared seems to have come to fruition. It's time to finally put your backyard Y2K shelter to use and escape society, as the sharing of sex organs between Paris Hilton and Brandon Davis can only mean ultimate death and destruction and lots of ugly, greasy, red-pubic-hair-averse children. I mean, just look at them. It's disgusting.



Oh wait, sorry. That was the wrong picture. This is Paris Hilton kissing Brandon Davis:



In our defense, both Brandon and the ferret, along with the shared probability that they are teeming with communicable diseases, belong to the weasel family. So you can see how we got confused.  

Every time we think we've finally given up on Paris Hilton--we just can't take one more nipple slip or racial slur or wonky eye judging the paucity of our bank account--she lures us back in. It could be through egging on an oily spew of firecrotchnicity or pissing in a cab, but she always finds a way. And if it involves a monkey, a tiger, and ferrets (oh my!), all the better. After all, it's not often that we get to make the coveted ferret/vagina comparison.  

The celebrity pet revolt begun by Paris Hilton's accessory monkey has found new life with Jessica Simpson's dog Daisy. Up next: The revolt of the orphans, with Maddox and Zahara and Meg Ryan's baby change-a-name channeling their ancestors and hurling insults in their native languages until they are set free.