• Kirsten Dunst's teatlets meet a lace-paneled dress, peekaboo nippage ensues. The pictures are old, but so are you, geezer.

• John Mayer and Jessica Simpson are together again, naturally. Even though they say they weren't together in the first place. But they are now. Probably. Eh.

• Well, we had the dubious honor of viewing the Screech sex tape yesterday. What can we say about it? He refers to himself in the third person, as "the D Man", he is more interested in the various edibles the ladies have around their hotel room than their vaginas, and the first 15 minutes consist of Dustin and his lady in a bubble bath, discussing the finer points of 24. Fleshbot has their own review. And screencaps.

• Agent Scully had a baby! And despite her insistence that the child was sired by boyfriend Clyde Klotz, her ex-husband Julian Ozanne is demanding a paternity test. So we can find out it's half-alien. And then Mulder will watch porn and there will be sexual tension, etc.

• Australian Holly Valance's nipple boomerangs out of her swimsuit. Crikey!

• Keira Knightley is engaged to her actor arm candy Rupert Friend. Can you imagine calling up your parents and saying, "Mom, Dad, I am going to be Mrs. Rupert Friend"? And then your parents would howl with laughter and say, "Sure, and I'm about to marry Nigel Sparkleshowers! Ahahahaha! His best man will be Cecil Rhys-Babybunnybottom! Hahahahaha!"

• Penelope Cruz half naked for Pirelli. Why are you still reading this?

• Janet Jackson has made whoopee on a plane. In her seat. Surrounded by passengers. And peanuts. And crying babies. And manhandled issues of Flight magazine. And the heady stench of impeding fiery death. Anyone else have a boner right now?

• Will Smith says that he and Jada are homeschooling their children, because history and dates aren't important, and anything of consequence you need to know, like for example how to fly a space shuttle, can be found in books. So if you see a couple of confused children wandering around Hollywood, scratching their asses and crying because they don't know how to find bus fare or talk to non-Cruises, but do know how to commandeer a submarine, they would be the Smith progeny.  

Kevin Federline is sticking to his claim that's he's a great parent and loves his kids. He just can't buy them shit like food and clothes and shelter and Bubble Yum.  

Oh, hey, look. It's TomFat, K-Hole, and Scientological Overlord Suri NoMiddleName Cruise in Italy.




We can gather a few things from these pictures. Namely, that the infant pictured closely resembles the one depicted in the infamous Vanity Fair spread, so either that's Suri, or the baby they rented for the shoot went on sale, and the couple were able to purchase her outright for all upcoming photo ops. Furthermore, it's nice to see that Tom, with his newfound lust for the more delicious things in life, didn't devour the child after mistaking her for a celebratory suckling pig or, perhaps, a Tastykake Honey Bun.  

• Oprah was not invited to Tom and K-Hole's wedding, but she is trying to figure out what to send them as a gift. Duh! A couch.

• Bigger news than Santa arriving at the lighting of the Macy's Christmas tree: Victoria's Secret supermodels getting on their boob-shaped spacecraft and arriving on Earth after their long journey from Planet Jiggle.

• Madonna wants to buy another baby as soon as possible. Perhaps it will be a Christmas gift for the other one.

• Sure, Vida Guerra has a gargantuan tail. But did you know that she has boobs, too?

• Nicole Richie has responded to PageSix's insinuation that SOMEONE had reverse gastric bypass in her MySpace blog. The lady doth protest too much.

• Is Kirsten Dunst sinking her vampiric meth mouth baby teeth into rodentlike eunuch Orlando Bloom? And will their hypothetical babies be weaselly nutless bloodsuckers?

• Paris Hilton's ass looks less flapjacky from the back. But don't they all, really? When it comes right down to it, aren't they all less flapjacky from the back? Deep.

• Jenny Love Hewitt might be all chaste and crap, but she will still wear a small strip of fabric nestled lovingly betwixt her buttocks.

• Lesbian Week continues: Joan Jett and Carmen Electra love rock n' roll. Joan mighta put another dime in Carmen's juicebox, baby.

• No, as a matter of fact, we haven't actually seen Ron Jeremy and Super Mario in the same room together. Luigi, though, sure.  

It's official: For every day until the end of time (or at least until Britney's demise in a bizarre poisoned hair-extension accident) you will encounter a minimum of three gossip items concerning Britney Spears and/or Kevin Federline. Today, Kevin allegedly tries to sell a sex tape, but if that falls through he'll always have that intriguing surveillance footage from his car, and Vogue turns down free pics of Jayden.  

Kevin Federline must have done some pretty shitty things to his soon-to-be ex-wife, because Britney wants him living on the street begging for change and Fubu gear. We haven't seen Brit's dogs in a while; maybe Kevin heard purse pooches provide a better high than shrooms and tried to stuff them in his bong and smoke them.  

Today in Britney news: You can stop the "analysis" you've been conducting of that supposed Britney Spears sex tape. It's a fake. But if your perversions run more toward reckless child endangerment rather than wagging wangs, then you're in luck, as Kevin Federline is suing Britney for custody of their two children. And we're almost 87% positive that Kevin has enough tact not to resort to a Sean P./Jayden/Apple Martin sex tape for cash. 87%.  

Rick and Kathy Hilton might want to give Rod Stewart a jingle and invite him over for tea and coffeecake. Not only are their daughters, Kimberly and Paris, BFFs (or, at least they were), they as parents share a deep streak of pride at their children's accomplishments. And by "accomplishments" we mean sex tapes and big fake titties.  

• Elle Macpherson's still got it! Believe the hype, feel the magic, catch the wave, etc., etc.

• Anna Nicole sold the video of her C-section to Entertainment Tonight for $1 million. OK, so for those who like to keep count: she sold the last pictures of her with her son, she sold the pictures of her "commitment ceremony" to lawyer/barnacle Howard K. Stern, she sold the (incredibly bloody and brutal) video of her baby's birth. Next on the auction block: the baby.

• Moby hopes that if and when he has children, they will turn out gay. Gay children everywhere are hoping that if and when they are sired, it won't be to Moby.

• Ryan Phillippe says, in regards to rumors that he cheated on Reese Witherspoon, “I’m not a perfect person, but I’m not guilty of a lot of the things I have been accused of.” He's not guilty of a lot of those things. Just a bunch of them. A passel, if you will.

• Lindsay Lohan has been rear-ended. Has she ever!

• Sienna Miller gets revenge on Pittsburgh by showing her boobs. That'll learn 'em.

• Jordan (sweet, sweet Jordan) says that husband Peter Andre's past as a schtupper of tramps makes her sick. Apparently, she feels fine about him being a present schtupper of one tramp.

• Jessica Simpson makes with the cleavage; jazz hands.

 

In the biggest baby-endangering shocker since Solange Knowles was accused of bleaching her clubfooted baby, Anna Nicole Smith has allegedly dyed her newborn daughter's hair to make her look more like creepazoid Nightline-investigation-waiting-to-happen Howard K. Stern. Perhaps an easier route to confirming paternity would have been to tattoo "I'm a jagbag and I'll steal all your money" on the child's forehead.  

• Angelina and Brad are reportedly adopting an Indian baby as we speak. Because African babies are soooo early-to-mid October 2k6.

• Please, for the love of all that is good and holy in this mortal world, will someone, anyone, shoot a tranq dart into Naomi Campbell's neck?

• Rush Limbaugh accuses Parkinson's sufferer Michael J. Fox of exaggerating his symptoms in a political ad, saying, "He is moving around and shaking, and it is purely an act." Seriously, dude! And remember when Christopher Reeve was tooling around in a wheelchair with a trach tube? Also totally all an act. Fucker was just lazy and tired of walking and breathing. Some Superman!

• DJ AM, aka Adam Goldstein, has moved on from Nicole Richie to nice Jewish girl Michelle Trachtenberg. His bubby is so pleased.

• For the reasonable price of $100,000, Paris Hilton will come to your New Year's Eve party 3 hours late, sit in a corner and text furiously on her Sidekick for 20 minutes, perhaps flash an assflap or two, then leave.

• Sandra Bullock had sexual intercourse on Sunday night.

• Federline the Younger is actually named Jayden James. SPF squared, we hardly knew ye.

• Tara Reid said that her nipples "looked like goose-shaped eggs". Not goose eggs. Eggs, shaped like geese. Nipples like thin shells with webbed feet and beaks and wings holding albumen and yolk. Yup. That's what Tara Reid's nipples looked like.  

Angelina Jolie says that she's not going to lose her laundry onscreen anymore, because she doesn't want all the babies she's been buying to see their mom as a sexy, naked viperess. However, she's neglecting to take the whole DVD business into consideration. And then there's the fact that Maddox and any other adopted sons that may come along will surely be nursing some serious issues due to their mother being arguably the most desirable Earthling around and not technically a blood relative. Fast forward a few years, and Maddox's Netflix queue will look like this:

1. Gia
2. Gia
3. Gia
4. Taking Lives
5. Gia
 

Darling little bundle of secondhand bong smoke Sutton Pierce Federline turned one month old yesterday, although we all have yet to receive official confirmation from the Spears-Federline camp. In a recent radio interview, K-Fed let it slip that not only might the child's name not be Sutton Pierce, but that he might be a she. At this point, we're not even sure Britney gave birth to a baby and not, say, a pangendered Schmoo.  

• Andy Dick chalks up the fact that people call him gay to everyone being jealous of him, and not him having sex with men.

• Kate Beckinsale says she'll never get plastic surgery. Despite the fact that her boobs were named the Ugliest in Hollywood.

• Madonna probably adopted a baby, for real this time, though. Toting around an African baby is the new Birkin bag!

• George Clooney says he'll never run for president because he's boffed too many ladies. Insert Clinton joke here, please.

• Amber Tamblyn's nip is Tumblyn out of her dress.

• Et tu, Rose McGowan?

• Finally, Johnny Depp to make an honest woman out of Vanessa Paradis! Hopefully she'll be able to get on his dental plan now.

• Lindsay Lohan says, "It's up to me and my mom to decide if I am partying too much." Ah, yes, nothing like that tender moment between mother and daughter, when Mom gently strokes Daughter's hair and says, "Beer BEFORE liquor, sweetheart. And coke before ecstasy. And Red Bull before semen."

• Dr. McDreamy gets McCreamed by McCastmate. We promise that's the only time you'll ever have to read the name "McDreamy" on these pages.

 

Katie Holmes has been enjoying a girls-only vacation in Paris with her new Tom-approved BFF, Victoria Beckham. And reportedly, she told Victoria that even though baby Suri Nomiddlename is barely 5 months old, she is still "desperate" to have another child. No need to dream, little Katie. Just close your eyes, lie back, let the choloroform take over, and enjoy the romantic touch of the water pistol filled with Scientological donor seed flooding your womanhood. Just like the first time.  

There have been so many new developments in the Anna Nicole Smith babydaddy drama in the last 48 hours that we don't even know where to begin. At this point, the only way to get to the bottom of this is to round up ANS, Howard K. Stern, Larry Birkhead, baby Dannilynn, and Richard Dean Anderson, put them on Maury, and do a paternity test and a drug test. Why Richard Dean Anderson, you ask? Eye candy, my friend. Eye candy.  

Britney Spears has realized that there can only be one fat diva in town and she's not quite committed enough to outweigh Aretha Franklin and has abandoned her pop career for a new calling: celebrity publicist. Specifically, her own. Brit has fired flack Leslie Sloane Zelnick (or Sloan Zelnik or Sloane-Zelnik or . . . hey, celebs, help us out; we can spell Grubman.) in favor of handling her own publicity. Which isn't as horrific a move as one would think, considering Zelnick's track record with number-one client Lindsay Lohan.  

Anna Nicole Smith's lawyer/barnacle Howard K. Stern appeared on Larry King last night, and dropped a bomb, announcing with much fanfare, that he is the father of Anna's infant daughter. He then whipped off his Howard K. Stern mask to reveal that he is actually Howard Stern with no "K.", and is not only Anna's lover, but also her brother! Her twin brother! And also her father! Dun-dun-DUNNNN!  

Britney's baby might have a name! Or maybe he doesn't! Maybe Brit and Kevin and thinking about it! Maybe it will take them a couple weeks to get past the prevailing thoughts in their heads (Britney: Durrr, y'all. Kevin: Where's the weed?) and decide on a name! Why must we put exclamation points after every sentence? Why are we so excited? Because we've seen Britney's redesigned website! Britney. Tiger. Britney. Tiger. It may have hypnotized us.  

Dear Suri Cruise,
'Sup, bitch?



No, seriously, how's it going? Excellent, excellent. Me? Oh, I'm doing great, thanks for asking. Yeah, so. Suri. Listen, kid. We need to clear the air. Get a few things straight, dig?

I recognize that this is your "moment", as they say. Your "mom" and "dad" were pretty goddamn tricky holding off on those pictures like that. It's caused quite a ripple 'round the old water cooler, to be sure. And you're a cute little fucker, Suri Cruise. I'll give you that.

But listen to me now and listen to me closely. In the world of celebrity offspring, there can be only one alpha baby. And that baby is me. Me. Top dog! Numero uno! Oh, you might have china doll eyes and that unexpected shock of black hair--oh, and I talked to Ken Paves, nice extensions, trick--but who inherited a pair of billion dollar lips? Oh, would you lookee there, it was me! Who has the dreamy bedroom eyes of her golden boy matinee idol father? Me again! Who's got squeezably soft cheeks, skin like fresh cream, and a dad who isn't a certifiable fruit? Me, me, and me. And in case you've forgotten, who got a whopping $4.1 million for her first pictures? I needn't remind you that it was ME.

For now, I'm going to let you sit back and enjoy your fifteen minutes. But when you're sixteen years old and locked up in a little room with a dead-eyed team of Scientologists extracting imagniary alien ghosts from your ass with a machine made of Tinker Toys while I'm traveling the world as an internationally respected supermodel-philanthropist, remember this: You're a full one month and eight days older than me. Enjoy the Botox, bitch.

Love and kisses,
Shiloh Jolie-Pitt  

The National Enquirer claims that Britney Spears gave birth to a son at 2 A.M. today, despite reports that Kevin Federline's fourth inexplicable extension of DNA would take girl form and be named Jailynn and make her entrance unto the world in two days, forever upstaging the birthday of big brother Sean. According to The Enquirer:

"Kevin took Britney to the hospital in the evening hours of Sept. 11 to prepare for the Cesarean birth," an insider said. Only her mother Lynn, and her sister Jamie Lynn were present at the birth. None of Kevin's family was there.
Right after the baby was born, Kevin got the word out to his family and close friends.

Britney's just lucky that she didn't pop the tot out two hours earlier, as a much overlooked amendment to the Constitution states that any children born on September 11th must take for a middle name the names of every person killed on 9/11. Hyphenated, of course, to make it less confusing.  

In a bizarre and utterly tragic turn of events, Anna Nicole Smith's 20-year-old son Daniel has died suddenly in the Bahamas, three days after his mother gave birth to a baby girl. The cause of death is unknown. After the cut, read an official statement, and watch in wonder as we attempt to lighten the mood with a joke that is not too terribly inappropriate.  

It's been a long, hard almost five months since little Suri No Middle Name Cruise donned sunglasses and BVDs and sock-slid out of Katie Holmes's rent-a-womb to the strains of "Old Time Rock and Roll". It's been speculated that she's actually Chris Klein's baby, that Katie was never pregnant and wore a prosthetic baby belly, that Suri was hideously deformed. Well, to all the naysayers: Tom and Katie have finally ponied up that enigmatic baby for all to see:



Surprise #1: she's adorable. Surprise #2: she does look quite a bit like Katie. But before you start with your "That baby looks Asian! That baby looks way older than four and a half months! Boy, that line of Marie Osmond porcelain dolls sure is lifelike!", read our conspiracy theory under the cut. We feel it makes much more sense.  

Four months ago we were all like, "Suri, Suri, where's Suri? Gotta see Suri. Have to inspect her for gills or scales or a prehensile tail. C'mon, where's Suri. We've gotta see her. Show us the Suri!" But now that the moment is upon us and we are mere hours away from Suri's unveiling, we're not so interested anymore. You've played with our emotions for too long, Tom, and we won't kowtow to your publicity stunts any longer. Plus, by this point we're pretty sure Suri bears no resemblance to Godzilla, Mothra, or Rodan. Pretty sure.  

When you're a child, every birthday is a milestone. From playing "stack the Big Macs" at your sixth birthday at McDonald's, to your roller rink hoe-down at nine, to frenching Cody Johnson in the wood-paneled rec room closet at your thirteenth, they're all important winners. And if there's one thing you can count on for every single birthday, it's a mawkish, Raggedy Ann-emblazoned card from the grandparents so syrupy sweet, you're gently coaxed into a diabetic coma. Unless you're the child of Angelina Jolie. Then you're S.O.L. because Pappy Voight can't even tell the difference between you and a fully grown South American singer who has a penchant for singing about her hips and humble breasts.  

Paris Hilton is apparently feeling fairly peevish towards Elijah Blue Allman, the offspring of Gregg Allmann and Cher. Last week he went on Howard Stern and admitted that, years ago, he porked our favorite cockeyed trollop and, as the sex was of the unprotected variety, he scrubbed his penis with Tilex afterwards. Sadly, the household cleaner did not protect Allman from contracting a cornucopia of venereal diseases, but we're told that he finally got that stubborn mildew out of his weiner grout.  

Madonna plans to meditate over some water and use it to save the planet from nuclear waste. That is if she isn't kidnapped by the Russian mob first.  

Remember that girl who sat behind you in tenth-grade chem lab who was kind of sweet and pretty, but then halfway through the year she got mixed up with a totally scuzzy twenty-three-year-old boyfriend who led her to lots of drugs and trouble and then one day she disappeared and you heard that she'd went into prostitution and got knocked up by her dealer? Then a couple years later you ran into her in the shampoo aisle at Target and she looked really good, clean and happy and pulled together, and her kid had turned out rather cute and she said she'd quit drugs and found a nice guy who worked at a bank and he loved her and adopted the kid and loved him as his own? This is that girl:

Except in this case she hasn't met the banker yet and is still with the scuzzy boyfriend.  

Like the mythical Yeti of yore, Suri No Middle Name Cruise roams the land silently and stoically under the cover of night, emerging only to feed and mingle briefly with Scientology-approved thespians. Sightings of the mysterious infant have increased tenfold, in a highly crop-circle-style fashion, in the last month, and this past weekend Suri experienced that milestone in every celebrity child's life: her first industry party!  

After exhausting his list of Scientological compatriots (Leah Remini) and tight-lipped celeb cronies on the L. Ron payroll (the Pinkett-Smiths, Penelope Cruz), Tom Cruise is branching out and inviting other celebrities to bear frankincense, myrrh, and designer Baby Bjorns, follow the star in the north and come to gaze upon baby Suri No Middle Name as she lies in her plexiglass, thetan-repelling hyperbaric cradle. He's invited Posh Spice and her well-waxed husband David Beckham to come visit the child (after agreeing to adhere to a list of creepy rules, natch), but we just think he wants to throw the fact that they haven't yet been able to produce a girl-child in their faces.