Ah, we get it. Britney saw The Break-Up and was inspired by Jennifer Aniston's celluloid move of waxing off her nether wig to tantalize her ex.



Yes, indeedy! Show off your bald beav to throngs of strangers. That'll teach the Fed not to treat you like an ATM with an oft-full womb! Boy oh boy, you are learnin' him but good!

You know the drill by now. Cut, click, panty hamster.  

• Hilary Duff has dropped her older emo craprocker lover with MySpace hair.

• She's also dropped the lower 2 inches off those much-maligned veneers. Neiggggh!

• J. Lo can't seem to make a baby. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that her husband is a reanimated corpse. That was mean.

• In this crazy age of full-on spread pink Britney labia in our faces, it's kind of refreshing and titillating to see a lady in a bikini. Good on ya, Kelly Brook.

• Rihanna, on the other hand, is taking a page from the Merry Divorcée and serving up lippage.

• Britney has mysteriously pulled out of planned joint Billboard Awards hosting duties, leaving Paris to go it solo. That marks the very first time you've ever heard "Britney" and "pulled out" in the same sentence.

• Borat blamed for the Pam Anderson-Kid Rock split. In related news, Borat causes global warming, racial profiling was Borat's idea, and Borat sold all that vodka to Mel Gibson.

• Note to Snoop: YOU HAVE MONEY. HIRE SOMEONE TO CARRY YOUR DRUGS AND GUNS FOR YOU.

 

Hey, readers. Hey. How's it going? Great, great.



Friends, we are certain that you are asking yourselves why we just put that picture of Paris and her minion Spears--in a fully see-through shirt--on our front page when it is generally our policy to keep the pinkish bits confined to after cuts (see how we care about you and don't want you to get fired?). The answer is simple--this is the most demure picture we have of Britney Spears today. For real. Within the last twenty-four hours she has shed the last of her inhibitions and undergarments, and after the storied very NSFW cut, you will take a mystical journey to the very core of Britney Spears, so grab your lighted mining helmet, grappling hook, and a light snack--it might take a while for you to find your way back out.  

Man. We go away for a holiday weekend and SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED that we are finding it next to impossible to keep up. No, we're not talking about Heidi Klum discharging Sealbaby 2 from her womb or Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams procuring a marriage license, nor are we referring to Michael Richards apologizing to various sundry members of the African-American community. We're talking about the important stuff; namely, Britney Spears becoming LYLAS 4-EVA BFFs with Paris Hilton, and appropriately adjusting her wardrobe to reflect said status.




To see what happens after Britney moves that charming Playboy purse to her right, turn the page.  

Someday you will ache like I ache . . . in the crotch!



It's Courtney Love naked in Pop magazine!  

A day in the life of Paris Hilton: gets called "piece of shit," is reminded to always remember her herpes medication, slips a boob. It's so much like a day in the life of CelebNewsWire, it's eerie.  

Before yesterday's "GQ Obsession" post, we went for six cold, long, and empty days with nary a mention of The Lohan. What was she doing for those six days? Needlepoint? Dawson's Creek marathon? Diana Ross's son? As it turns out, she might have been CUTTING. Or maybe "cunting" would be more appropriate. After the cu(n)t, scars and more fiery crotch!  

See Kim Cattrall.



See Kim's Cat, y'all!

After the cunt.  

Picture it. Hollywood. March 2006. Reese and Ryan are still the picture of connubial bliss, Jayden James Sutton Pierce Federspears is but a genderless flutter in Britney's womb, and we are the first people to report that Mischa Barton had a nude scene in the upcoming comedy The OH in Ohio. But now it is November, Reese and Ryan are through, Britney is freed, and as the first caps from Ohio make their way onto the internets, it turns out that Mischa might not be naked after all. All the leaves are brown. And the sky is gray.  

• Elle Macpherson's still got it! Believe the hype, feel the magic, catch the wave, etc., etc.

• Anna Nicole sold the video of her C-section to Entertainment Tonight for $1 million. OK, so for those who like to keep count: she sold the last pictures of her with her son, she sold the pictures of her "commitment ceremony" to lawyer/barnacle Howard K. Stern, she sold the (incredibly bloody and brutal) video of her baby's birth. Next on the auction block: the baby.

• Moby hopes that if and when he has children, they will turn out gay. Gay children everywhere are hoping that if and when they are sired, it won't be to Moby.

• Ryan Phillippe says, in regards to rumors that he cheated on Reese Witherspoon, “I’m not a perfect person, but I’m not guilty of a lot of the things I have been accused of.” He's not guilty of a lot of those things. Just a bunch of them. A passel, if you will.

• Lindsay Lohan has been rear-ended. Has she ever!

• Sienna Miller gets revenge on Pittsburgh by showing her boobs. That'll learn 'em.

• Jordan (sweet, sweet Jordan) says that husband Peter Andre's past as a schtupper of tramps makes her sick. Apparently, she feels fine about him being a present schtupper of one tramp.

• Jessica Simpson makes with the cleavage; jazz hands.

 

Halloween tends to bring out the ribaldry in a lot of people, what with all the sexy kitty cat and sexy bunny rabbit and sexy nurse and sexy comptroller costumes around. So this morning, our thoughts turn to sin and we sit idly, twiddling our thumbs and waiting patiently for requisite nip-slip-though-skimpy-costume celebrity pictures to be released. A cursory frisking of the internets has turned up nothing so far, but we have plenty to fall back on; namely, Marcia Cross nudie pics in a Glad bag, Anne Hathaway laying down some baffling rules for getting naked, and Lucy Liu learning the meaning of "European nudity" (hint: it has nothing to do with fine wine or bidets).  

By now, we've become rather accustomed to celebrities' terrible Halloween costumes. You'd think that with all that extra cheddar they could afford to hire a few random seamstresses to whip up something jawdropping and fantastical, like a pegacorn-vs-unicorn battle costume, or the Sears Tower or some such thing. But no, they usually just do a slightly more expensive version of the sexy kitty cat or sexy nurse or sexy maid. Model Gisele Bundchen, however, has our heart with a new spin on the tried and true "sexy" costume:



Sexy T.G.I. Friday's waitstaff.  

Angelina Jolie says that she's not going to lose her laundry onscreen anymore, because she doesn't want all the babies she's been buying to see their mom as a sexy, naked viperess. However, she's neglecting to take the whole DVD business into consideration. And then there's the fact that Maddox and any other adopted sons that may come along will surely be nursing some serious issues due to their mother being arguably the most desirable Earthling around and not technically a blood relative. Fast forward a few years, and Maddox's Netflix queue will look like this:

1. Gia
2. Gia
3. Gia
4. Taking Lives
5. Gia
 

• Following her guest-starring role as lottery winner Dawn Budge on Nip/Tuck, Rosie O'Donell will be doing a spinoff series. A Dawn Budge spinoff but no Riding the Bus with My Sister spinoff? God, the injustice in this world.

• We can see right through Mischa Barton.

• And after that, she pokes out our eyeballs so that we might never see again.

• Lance and Matt: forever putting the "ghey" in "McConaughey"!

• Ellen Barkin would like you to know that she has fucked George Clooney. Big deal. Join the club.

• Kelly Brook's underwear can be yours. In fact, Kelly Brook's underwear can be anybody's now.

• Suzanne Somers wrote a new book about hormone replacement therapy being the fountain of youth. Before you go clamoring to pick up a copy and a side of progesterone, have a gander at the results. Sweet fancy Moses on a cracker!

• Whitney Houston is legally extricating herself from Bobby Brown. Hopefully she'll get custody of a better weave. Oh yeah! We went there! That's right!

• Heather Mills is alleging that Paul McCartney roughed her up during their marriage. Oh, please. That's like saying you got roofied by Cat Stevens. Paul McCartney? Macca? Seriously? The worst we can picture is him smoking a laced doob and giving a half-hearted slap with some organic radishes or something.

• The wrestlers of the WWE had their way with Kevin Federline the other night. And while the pictures of K-Fed getting body-slammed in the ring are pleasant enough, we can't help but yearn for the quality WWF days of our youth and wish that Junkyard Dog and the Iron Sheik would join forces to tag-team Federline, while Lou Albano shot rubber bands from the sidelines and afterwards, Rowdy Roddy Piper would make a man out of K-Fed during a Backlot Brawl.  

Oh, Lindsay. You still have a lot to learn about "cause and effect". Although you now seem to grasp the whole "no panties plus skirt equals visible poonage" concept, you haven't quite nailed the "wear a Pamela Anderson-esque top, slip mad nip" thing yet.



Unblurred sweater pebbles under the cut? Oh yes. Oh, yes.  

Do you remember that nudity crisis we spoke of yesterday? It looks like it's spreading. Sarah Michelle Gellar has now been infected and will have to be quarantined and forced to watch Takin' It All Off (a.k.a. the greatest use of hypnosis-induced striptease, two nuns, a bicycle, an irate cop, and a robot break-dancer in a single scene ever) for forty-eight hours straight. By the end of her reprogramming she won't be able to keep her clothes on and the only acting roles that will be available to her will be opposite Shannon Tweed or Misty Mundae.  

Jessica Alba doesn't want God to tell her how to dress. If she wants to wear a shirt with a neckline down to her navel, then God can suck it. But she's way too moral to ever show off her stuff on camera. That would be, like, a sin or something.  

• Andy Dick chalks up the fact that people call him gay to everyone being jealous of him, and not him having sex with men.

• Kate Beckinsale says she'll never get plastic surgery. Despite the fact that her boobs were named the Ugliest in Hollywood.

• Madonna probably adopted a baby, for real this time, though. Toting around an African baby is the new Birkin bag!

• George Clooney says he'll never run for president because he's boffed too many ladies. Insert Clinton joke here, please.

• Amber Tamblyn's nip is Tumblyn out of her dress.

• Et tu, Rose McGowan?

• Finally, Johnny Depp to make an honest woman out of Vanessa Paradis! Hopefully she'll be able to get on his dental plan now.

• Lindsay Lohan says, "It's up to me and my mom to decide if I am partying too much." Ah, yes, nothing like that tender moment between mother and daughter, when Mom gently strokes Daughter's hair and says, "Beer BEFORE liquor, sweetheart. And coke before ecstasy. And Red Bull before semen."

• Dr. McDreamy gets McCreamed by McCastmate. We promise that's the only time you'll ever have to read the name "McDreamy" on these pages.

 

We've got a nudity crisis on our hands, here, people. Actresses like Kate Winslet and Maggie Gyllenhaal are getting older, raising families, and may not have the time to flash beav on screen anymore. They've got binkies to launder. And who is going to replace our oft-nude favorites? Where is the next generation of dud doffers? Until Lindsay Lohan shows up on set having simply forgotten her panties, we have people like Rachel Bilson, who believes that the phrase "private parts" should be taken literally. It's time to descend to the fall-out shelter with copies of Showgirls, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, and Wild Things, cause it's gonna be a long winter.  

The other week, we warned you that Buffy star Mercedes McNab was going to pose for Playboy. The pictures are now out, and so are Mercedes's breasts. And if you are hurting for twenty cents, today is your lucky day, because her nipples are the size of dimes.  

In case the 7,534,115 interviews about her dramatic! weight! loss! and the 53,499,302 magazine spreads of her cupping her choco-beans didn't clue you in, Janet Jackson is back, people! And in her new video for "So Excited", she proves she's back by . . . showing off her dramatic weight loss and cupping her breasts! However, she might also, possibly, maybe, be slipping a hint of nip as well. Whip out your reading glasses, jeweler's loupe, and protractor, because after the cut, we have exclusive pics.  

Mischa Barton's nothin' but a cracker.
You heard us.

After the cut: hold your breath, stuff your hair into a cap covered in plastic novelty flowers, and take the Nestea plunge deep into the musky cleft between Mischa's cheeks.  

Penelope Cruz is pissed that you're trying to look at her boobs.



Oh, wait, that's notoriously boob-averse Cameron Diaz. Topless. And mad that people are looking at her. Hey, Cammy, if you want us to stop looking at you, why don't you try putting some clothes on and looking a little more like Fergie? That would do the trick.  

Step right up, folks, and witness CelebNewsWire's Celebrity House of Freaks, featuring all manner of abnormalities from lands far and wide. Thrill to the sight of Chyna and her miniature penis. Oooh and aaah over Kate Bosworth's sixty-pound frame--not one ounce of body fat on that one, folks. But first, marvel at our very special exhibit--Paris Hilton's ass goiter.  

In today's very special edition of shit you've seen a million times before we will be featuring the nipple-slipping stylings of Pam "Mrs. Kid Rock" Anderson and another version of Janet Jackson's niche specialty, showing off her bazooms while conspicuously covering the nipples--cause she's a modest lady, after all.  

We have to preface this post with a little blogger love: We adore Egotastic! We want it to be our internet boyfriend and make sweet, sweet bloggy love to it, keyboard to keyboard. But today we're going to have to get all, "Do I look fat in these jeans? How dare you! I can't believe you said that. Well, if you don't love my fat ass then you must not love me!" Because we've got a difference of opinion here. That is most definitely not Natalie Portman's nipple. And we know from nipples. So tuck that boner back inside your Boba Fett costume and wait another couple years for your holy nipple grail, cause this ain't it.  

Today we have a very special mission for you, a chance for you to play Veronica Mars (or Nancy Drew, if you're old and still clinging to the twentieth century) and solve your own mystery. Behold: Are these Christina Ricci's boobs? After the jump, get smacked in the face with some tattooed boobage. NSFW, obvs.  

• Buffy costar Mercedes McNab to pose for Playboy; socially-challenged fanboys to spring boners eternal.

• Sweet little cherub Mandy Moore is bringin' schlumpy back, and pulling it off.

• And lo, brash angel of God Kathy Griffin alit and sayeth unto Tori Spelling: "unto you a childe is borne!"

• Paris Hilton has been officially charged with drunk driving. Now, if only she were to be officially charged by the fashion police. Ooh! That's right! We went there! Uh-huh! Two snaps up, girlfriend!

• Aerosmith's Steven Tyler is one hep cat.

• Ashlee Simpson premiered as Roxie Hart in the London Cambridge Theatre's production of Chicago Monday night. And alas, there was no one with an oversized novelty hook, nor any clowns with comical janitor's brooms in sight.

• Lindsay Lohan's father brags about porking his daughter's Herbie stunt double. No punch line needed.

• A helpful compendium of celebrity nippage to clip, save, collect, and trade with friends.

• Tom and K-Hole are looking for a project they can star in together. Might we suggest adapting Ronnie Spector's biography, Be My Baby? Though Tom as a megalomaniacal, shrimpy Svengali with a predilection for shades holding his young and innocent wife captive in their own home might be a bit of a stretch. Har de har har.  

Step right up, kids, cause have we got a treat for you. Yesiree, you’re going to be cheering like a seven-year-old on a rollercoaster, uh-huh. You’ll love it. Absolutely love it. We’ve got a nipple slip, one of the rarest birds in the forest. Bet you’ve never seen one of those before. And this one is from Sophie Monk. She’s the, uh, highest caliber of A-list celebrity, right? OK, you caught us. We’ve got a nipple slip--a highly suspect and questionable one at that--from a British girl you’ve never heard of. But, hey, what can you do? You can’t count on Lindsay Lohan forgetting her panties every day of the week.  

As promised we're back with another report on who's taking off their tops in the Great White North at the 2006 Toronto Film Festival. And in this round a couple of career nudists have stepped up to the plate to help you score a home run--even if the only mitt there to catch you is your own hand.