You guys know about Shark Week, right? It's the week of nonstop Discovery Channel programming all about the vicious, sharp-toothed, slippery killers lurking under the sea. Children and frat boys alike look forward to Shark Week like it was Christmas. Here at CNW it seems that we are unwittingly experiencing our own version of Shark Week. We call it Lesbian Week. First the (false) rumor that Eva Longoria and Beyoncé would be doing the coot-scootin' boogie in a movie, and now that possibly very real rumor that actresses Kristanna Loken and Michelle Rodriguez are embroiled in a lesberado romance. If this were shark week, you'd be donning shark-fin hats and noshing on Goldfish crackers. Since this is Lesbian Week, you should put on your vagina hats and snack on . . . uh . . . vaginas.  

We know this will come as a complete, out of left field surprise to you, but Neil Patrick Harris, a man who is a well-known fixture in the musical theater scene and who played someone named "Doogie", is gay.  

• Andy Dick chalks up the fact that people call him gay to everyone being jealous of him, and not him having sex with men.

• Kate Beckinsale says she'll never get plastic surgery. Despite the fact that her boobs were named the Ugliest in Hollywood.

• Madonna probably adopted a baby, for real this time, though. Toting around an African baby is the new Birkin bag!

• George Clooney says he'll never run for president because he's boffed too many ladies. Insert Clinton joke here, please.

• Amber Tamblyn's nip is Tumblyn out of her dress.

• Et tu, Rose McGowan?

• Finally, Johnny Depp to make an honest woman out of Vanessa Paradis! Hopefully she'll be able to get on his dental plan now.

• Lindsay Lohan says, "It's up to me and my mom to decide if I am partying too much." Ah, yes, nothing like that tender moment between mother and daughter, when Mom gently strokes Daughter's hair and says, "Beer BEFORE liquor, sweetheart. And coke before ecstasy. And Red Bull before semen."

• Dr. McDreamy gets McCreamed by McCastmate. We promise that's the only time you'll ever have to read the name "McDreamy" on these pages.

 

We've all been waiting for a followup to last month's story/photo involving John Travolta laying a wet one on the parted lips of a male cohort, and finally, his camp have broken their silence and made a statement! Travolta's lawyer, Martin Singer, released the following official statement:

"As a manner of customary greeting and saying farewell, Mr. Travolta kisses both women and men whom he considers to be extremely close friends. People who are close to Mr. Travolta are aware of his customary, non-romantic gesture."

Singer further explained that Travolta's way of telling intimates "thank you" is to gently stroke their cheeks with his erect penis, and that he customarily wishes pals a merry Christmas by giving them a hearty reacharound.  

Well, what do we have here?

 

• Yes, you've seen Kate Moss in her underwear before. But that's not going to stop you from looking again.

• David Hasselhoff says that he, like, totally could have done Princess Di if he wanted to, and that they flirted once. She said "You look much better with your clothes on," and then the Hoff replied, "Well Ma'am, so do you." That . . . doesn't . . . make any sense.

• For all you gymnast (we're quite dumb) figure skater-loving old dudes: Katarina Witt upskirt!

• When Britney and Christina kissed Madonna at the MTV awards lo, so many years ago, Christina suggested that she and Britney lock lips, but Brit declined, because she's incredibly classy and very discerning when it comes to whom she lays her mouth upon.

• A man resembling the leather daddy from The Village People is telling all about his affairs with Tom Cruise, Antonio Banderas, Randy Travis, Andrea Boccelli, and Garth Brooks. Of the latter, he says, "When you're fucking a whale, it seems like an eternity." You're preaching to the choir, pal.

• Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson are both presently vacationing in Maui. Which is purely a coincidence, we're sure.

• Welcome to Bizarroworld: Ashlee looks stylish, Jessica wears a harem-panted jumpsuit. 2 Legit!

• Jamiroquai frontman Jay Kay assaults a throng of Lohan-stalking Pavarottis when he thinks they're interested in him. But he did not do said assaulting in or with a wacky hat, sadly.

• Nicole Richie cries that the media reports saying she's anorexic are stressing her out so bad that she's becoming anorexic!  

The explanation is as simple as it is innocent: John Travolta leans in to helpfully and selflessly suck out the thetans his intergalactic man-friend contracted after being dispatched to planet Earth on a top secret Scientological specimen-gathering mission.



Michelle Rodriguez, inspired by her gal-pal's novelty T-shirt, is about to heed its advice, take the lady home, and polish her breasts. With her face.

(Please don't stab us, Michelle.)  

On a slow gossip day we like to pander to the perverted. We give your nipple slips, your pokies, your ladies looking alluring or talking about vibrators or their waxing preferences. But since Eva Longoria seems to be sleeping off a night of Jello shots and Tony Parker pounding and is keeping her mouth shut this morning, we bring you Jessica Biel and the always arousing lesbian liplock.  

Lance: So those are the things that we're supposed to get all hot in the crotch over? I just don't get it. Do you get it, Matt?
Matt: Nah, man. Let's stop wasting our time staring at a couple lumps of fat and go smoke some herb, put on our spandex, and run around the track for an hour while we smack each other's asses.
Lance: Sounds cool to me.  

• As a half-Jew, Rob Schneider refuses to ever work with Mel Gibson. Braveheart 2 just got 54% less zany!

• Ever seen pink pee before? No? Ever seen Pink pee before? Also no? Well, here ya go.

• Carmen Electra and Shannon Elizabeth are pals. If C-list hangs with D-list, does that elevate them to B-list?

• If you posess fashion experience and much love for checkered bondage pants, you can work for Gwen Stefani and her L.A.M.B. label. Just email skagirl.com. Skagirl . . . we think we cybered with her in the AOL Skankin' Pickle room in 1994.

• Melanie Griffith takes the Cruddiest Mom of the Year crown from Dina Lohan when she lights her teenage daughter Dakota's cigarette.

• Cindy Crawford plus stripper pole plus mojitos minus bra equals summer fun for the whole family.

• Al Reynolds dons spandex; gets late-night booty call from large man in bucket hat.

• In case you were wondering who, on God's green Earth, would admire the jauntily shoddy designs of Charlie Sheen's ill-timed kidswear company, Sheen Kidz, the answer is: Britney. Naturally.

• Penelope Cruz is the first non-Scientologist to step forth and claim that Suri No Middle Name Cruise exists.

• Is David Geffen getting Stiflered?  

• Christie Brinkley's husband says sorry. "Sorry! Sorry for having sexy sex with a teenager. Seriously, sorry about that. My b."

• David Hasselhoff as Captain Hook in a London production of Peter Pan? Those are some pretty gay big shoes to fill. Only one man can replace The Hoff, and that's The Fonz. Ayyyyy.

• Paparazzi, please stop taking photographs of Natalie Portman. Or she will make her hair look like Annette Bening's circa 1989 and then waggle a hand at you in a vaguely threatening manner.

• Britney's little sister, Sean P Federline, and a turd on a stick. You heard us.

• I've had it with these motherfucking Mo'Niques on this motherfucking plane!

• Seacrest out? No. Lance Bass out? HELL YES! You go, girlfriend!

• Agent Scully is preggo . . . by an alien! No, by a businessman. Whatever.

• Carmen Electra, former wife of Dennis Rodman and newly split from Dave Navarro, was seen on a date with Jamie Foxx. Well, you know the old saying: once you go black, you go back once and then a few years later you look in the mirror and say "I'm married to a guy who still wears eyeliner and feather boas in 2006" and THEN you vow to never go back. Or something.

• Did Fergie get dumped? Get dumped get dumped get dumped? Check it out.
 

• Macaulay Culkin and Mila Kunis star in the action-packed thriller Escape!!! From the Holy Land!

• Ex-supermodel/ex-Rod Stewart concubine Rachel Hunter shows her punters on the beach. Stacy's mom has got it goin' on.

• Do you want to watch Jessica Simpson gulp down a phallic mouthful of creamy, fluffy froth? You probably do, sure.

• Kirsten Dunst brings in da noize, brings in da fug.

• Christina Aguilera's breasts are covered in this fetching golf-style ensemble, but the scoop neck still manages to caress and cradle them gently, yet conspicuously. Well done!

• Leah Remini says that Suri Cruise is totally real and has dark hair. Katie Holmes is spotted with curiously plasticine blonde baby-like figure. Someone's a lying sack of turds.

• Lance Bass and Reichen Lehmkuhl: "If you're Lance Bass, and you're going to the gayest town on the gayest day of the year and going to gay parties, you have to expect something."

• That bandeau bikini top is no match for the speckled flesh globules resting upon Lindsay Lohan's upper chestal region.

• Justin Timberlake is desperate for street cred. Who's bad?  

Last December, Angelina Jolie's erstwhile ladylove, model and big blabbermouth Jenny Shimizu, crowed from the rooftops about Angie's "warm, mushy" lips and the fact that she dug broads too much to fully commit to Pitt. And Angelina must have wisely cut her off from that sweet, sweet no-wang banging, because Jenny has stepped up her game and granted an interview with the UK's highly questionable (yet definitely amusing) News of the World in which she spritzed a gentle, rainbow-colored mist of Too Much (Really Sexy) Information for all the world to see.  

Remember when you were in junior high and there was that rumor going around (no, no, not the one about Danny Wood from the New Kids getting 3 gallons of semen pumped out of his stomach) about Whitney Houston having an affair with Kelly McGillis? And you, in your Gotcha! t-shirt and Brittania jeans, were all, "That pretty lady from Top Gun and the girl who sings 'I Wanna Dance with Somebody'? EW!" These days, you might not be so "ew", especially since Whitney's preference for the fairer sex might just be true. Only instead of willowy blonde Kelly McGillis, picture Whitney with a crack ho named Precious who gives $3 hj's down at the bus station. Yeah, you're welcome.  

There comes a time in every parent's life when you have to answer some pretty difficult questions. The "where do babies come from?" question. The "why is there poverty and war and sadness?" question. The "why is my body changing?" question. And, of course, the inevitable, "if my mommy frenches Britney Spears on live television, does that mean she's a homosexual?" question. We've all been there.  

To make up for the fact that our usual lead "sexy lady" story isn't very sexy today, we're bringing you this searingly hot webcam shot of the naked boobs of a famous soft-featured pop tart:



Pffft, those are totally implants.  

Yada yada yada . . . Paris Hilton sex tape . . . lesbian . . . Playboy Playmate . . . blah blah blah . . . Is this story even necessary at this point? Shouldn't we just assume that Paris has made sex tapes with everyone from Snuffleupagus to Yakov Smirnoff?  

A new biography of Marlon Brando is about to cause more ripples than, well, Marlon Brando in a swimming pool, because it features a photo of the acting legend enjoying a bit of the beej with another dude. Did you like our "Marlon Brando is fat" joke? Bet you've never heard one of those before. God! We are so terrifically innovative!  

You know what men seem to like? Lesbians. You know what else men like? Pretty lesbians. So when a pretty lady turns out to be a pretty lesbian, we're more than happy to write one of these thingies right here that you're reading and tell you all about the pretty pretty pretty famous lesbian lady, like Bloodrayne's Kristanna Loken.  

It's the week between Christmas and New Year's, when it seems that only about 10% of Americans are working (and if our British gossip site oracles are any indication, all of England is asleep in their figgy puddings right now) and we can't see past our bulging gut thanks to that leftover batch of Santa-shaped sugar cookies we scarfed down for breakfast, so we weren't expecting much from the gossip world today. Of course we had forgotten that during the holiday season celebrities spend time lounging in tropical locales donning very little clothing. So today we're collecting more celebrity breast meat than you can shake your stick at. Happy Holidays!  

You're Ricky Martin and you notice that people are making a lot of insinuations that you like to take big fat cocks in your ass. So you say to yourself, "I should do an interview with a magazine and talk candidly about my non-gay sex life. I should tell this magazine that I love to pee on people, because that will make people think of R. Kelly, and R. Kelly likes fifteen-year-old girls, which is as un-gay as you can get. Yes, that's it. I will associate myself with R. Kelly. This cannot backfire." Of course you, Ricky Martin, forgot that R. Kelly has been Trapped in the Closet for months now.  

We really miss Anna Nicole Smith. When our weekly issue of The National Enquirer arrives all weather damaged and postally delayed, a single tear forms in the corner of our eye and we wonder what our favorite former fat girl is up to. Is Marilyn still jealous of new pup Frankenstein? What are Anna Nicole's thoughts on the Paris Hilton/Stamos Nachos union? So hearing tales of her picking up a chick in a gay bar has made us happier than Clay Aiken in a middle-school boys' locker room.  

Kate Moss is so the new Courtney Love. And we couldn’t be happier. In fact, Kate is better than Courtney because she’s hot and likes having sex with other hot people (Pete Doherty aside). She even likes coke-fueled lesbian orgies. We’re just going to have to stop for a minute and slowly ponder those last words . . . coke-fueled lesbian orgies. Mmmmmmm.  

We find Courtney Love so fascinating that she can even cause us to be interested in British people. Especially when she’s begging one of them for lesbian sex.  

A childhood friend of rampantly heterosexual beefcake Tom Cruise has revealed to Britain's The Sun that when the War of the Worlds star was a child, he enjoyed dressing up in women's clothing. As a joke! Yes, it was all jocular, perfectly healthy good fun. Like, he did it a lot, but still. I mean, he did it for Halloween, so it's no big deal. And he also did it on non-holidays. Often. Like, really often. As a joke!


A joke!!!  

Just when we’ve decided to completely wash our hands of Tom Cruise and his whole Liza Minnelli/David Gest shtick, he manages to charm the pants off of us once again through some sort of Scientology-patented mind-numbing midget stare. In today’s edition: Tommy believes in aliens, is confused by sex, and may have f-ed Rob Thomas of Matchbox 20.  

Here's some bad news, bears: poor ole Tatum O'Neal has fallen off the wagon again. But there's good news to be had as well: after tossing back a trillion cocktails, she was seen tongue-wrangling and hooter-honking another woman outside of Pop Burger in NYC on Wednesday. If you had to schtup John McEnroe for a decade, wouldn't you swear off men, too?  

Hollywood lesbian update: Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi are still all sorts of blonde, gay, and in love; Marcia Cross is still not gay yet still not sleeping with men. C'mon, Marcia, you're never going to fool anyone by being celibate. Take out a pretty boy once in a while and make us wonder. Even Rock Hudson had a beard.