We're beginning to think that Lindsay Lohan is terribly naive and doesn't understand simple, straightforward insults. To Lindsay being called Firecrotch means that she possesses a fiery love in her loins that she wishes to spread to all the world's inhabitants (or at least the hot ones with trust funds). And Paris Hilton calling Lindsay a "coked-out whore" just means that she's really popular and full of energy and Paris really likes her. "Coked-out whore" is the new BFF, as in, "This is my coked-out whore, Lindsay Lohan."  

Yesterday Lindsay Lohan was all like, "Paris hit me. She's such a bitch." Today she's all like, "Paris is my best friend. Why is everyone spreading these lies about us?" And tomorrow she'll be all like, "Paris Hilton is half donkey. And that's not a metaphor or whatever. Her real dad is a donkey. But I still love her."  

We better watch our backs and our Moveable Type--Nicole Richie is getting into the gossip game. More specifically, she is getting into the blind item game, as evidenced by this little number she penned and left on her MySpace blog:

What 35 year old raisin face whispers her order of 3 peices of asparagus for dinner at Chateau everynight, and hides her deathly disorder by pointing the finger at me, and used her last paycheck I wrote her to pay for a publisist instead of a nutritionist? HINT: Her nickname is lettucecup...

While it doesn't assault the eyes and mind with the verbal gymnastics of a Ted Casablancas, this ain't a bad first effort, especially "raisin face" and "lettucecup". But if we were Nicole, we would have taken--nay, relished--the opportunity to write "74-year-old" instead of "35", or whatever Ms. Zoe's true age might actually be.  

Paris might be busy using Britney Spears as a hotness inflator, but it seems that she still has enough time to tilt her magnifying glass of evil towards the hapless ant that is Lindsay Lohan, cackling as she sizzles under the sun's death ray. Apparently, Paris must have really enjoyed the taste of blood she got from her alleged Shanna Moakler fisticuffs, and has gotten a little punchy with our poor, beleaguered Firecrotch.  

A day in the life of Paris Hilton: gets called "piece of shit," is reminded to always remember her herpes medication, slips a boob. It's so much like a day in the life of CelebNewsWire, it's eerie.  

The night before last, in front of God and paparazzi and a doorman and everyone, Lindsay Lohan called Paris Hilton THE C-WORD. Oh, and furthermore, speaking of c-words, Lindsay's multitudinous beaux must be having a problem finding hers--although by this point we've all seen it so often that our three-year-old cousin can draw it from memory--because she's now taken to donning a map to the treasure:
 

All those set-up photo ops of Denise Richards grocery shopping with her kids and playing at the park and looking all, "I'm just a small-town girl, I didn't understand that cocaine use and hooker humping were bad qualities in a husband, I thought they were funny Hollywood words for baking cookies and giving massages" are going to go to waste. No one will believe her innocent-soccer-mom schtick once they learn she's just another cocksucker-calling, computer-throwing, granny-injuring Hollywood hothead. Just like all the rest of them.  

When you hear the word brawl you probably think of a seedy barroom with a sticky mixture of piss and Pabst covering the floor, where patrons are eighty percent beard and leather. And names like Mickey Rourke or Colin Farrell probably pop into your head. But these days equality reigns and brawlin' ain't just for drunken Irishmen in saloons. Sometimes someone like Brandy gets a little worked up when reading from Leviticus in a Bible study class and has no recourse but to throw some chairs.  

• Is Australian actress Abbie Cornish the real reason behind the Reese/Ryan breakup? That would mark the second time Ryan's fallen for a blonde with an incredibly silly last name. At least he's consistent.

• Sumner Redstone says that he dropped Tom Cruise's contract because his wife, Paula, "like women everywhere, had come to hate him." Ouch, and hahahahaha.

• Cindy Margolis is in Playboy. And her bod makes us hum Bob Seger's "Like a Rock".

• The drummer for McFly (who?) has been bragging to anyone who'll listen that he has felt the gently licking flames of Lohan's firecrotch. Yeeeeah, that's like bragging that you ate food once, or that you sometimes blink.

• Step aside, Brangelina! Take a hike, Bennifer! Let's all give a warm welcome to . . . Tophvanka Grump!

• If there's anything U.S. Marines hate, it's being in the presence of a large-breasted, blonde, ultra-famous porn star.

• Katie Holmes recently ran into Brooke Shields and stopped to chat. Afterwards, her handler best friend ever threw a burlap sack over her head, threw her in the back of a Brinks security van, drove her to a secluded location 4 miles beneath the earth's crust, and subjected her to 72 straight hours of deprogramming and delousing.

• Heidi Klum: finally, a celebrity who ain't afraid to get a little scary for the sake of Halloween. Nicely done.

• Patrick Dempsey's ex-wife, whom he married when he was 21 and she was the 48-year-old stepmother of his best friend, is alleging that he beat her during the filming of Can't Buy Me Love. Hey, these actors are tempestuous, artistic types and often have trouble bringing their work home with them at the end of the day. Can you really blame Dempsey for feeling violent when he spent day in and day out in character as a brutal, sexist killer with a hair-trigger temper. Wait, what? Can't Buy Me Love was about a mild-mannered nerd on a riding lawnmower? Oh.  

Like the Roman Empire, Mama's Family, and Britney Spears's boinkability, all good things must eventually end. And so we come to the end of one of the world's most cherished and heartwarming friendships: Katie Holmes and Victoria Beckham have uttered a mutual "screw that bitch" and broken off their shopping-centered coalition. And the world weeps.  

Jack "progeny of Ozzy" Osbourne recently revealed in his new autobiography that he once kissed friend, supermodel, and fellow class A drug gourmand Kate Moss, saying, "it just felt just right." Her crackulous paramour, Pete Doherty, is taking umbrage at the claim. Apparently the world thinking Kate Moss once gave an innocent kiss to a dorky teen is unacceptable, while the world thinking Kate Moss is having full-on genital-to-genital contact with a cartoon version of a cartoon version of a cartoon version of Keith Richards is A-OK!  

• Andy Dick chalks up the fact that people call him gay to everyone being jealous of him, and not him having sex with men.

• Kate Beckinsale says she'll never get plastic surgery. Despite the fact that her boobs were named the Ugliest in Hollywood.

• Madonna probably adopted a baby, for real this time, though. Toting around an African baby is the new Birkin bag!

• George Clooney says he'll never run for president because he's boffed too many ladies. Insert Clinton joke here, please.

• Amber Tamblyn's nip is Tumblyn out of her dress.

• Et tu, Rose McGowan?

• Finally, Johnny Depp to make an honest woman out of Vanessa Paradis! Hopefully she'll be able to get on his dental plan now.

• Lindsay Lohan says, "It's up to me and my mom to decide if I am partying too much." Ah, yes, nothing like that tender moment between mother and daughter, when Mom gently strokes Daughter's hair and says, "Beer BEFORE liquor, sweetheart. And coke before ecstasy. And Red Bull before semen."

• Dr. McDreamy gets McCreamed by McCastmate. We promise that's the only time you'll ever have to read the name "McDreamy" on these pages.

 

The above picture captures Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie waiting at a valet stand after exiting an eatery together. Now you know that feeling of peace and love and gratitude that your grandparents felt at the end of World War II. It's totally the same thing.  

Paris Hilton is one of today's hottest starlets. Millions of men have paid to see her smoking pole on tape. Shanna Moakler was a Playboy Playmate, so presumably hundreds of thousands of men have stroked the baloney pony while gazing upon her naked body. And last night they got into a bitchfight over this man:



C'mon, ladies, if your night is going to end with multiple police reports, at least let it be over George Clooney. Or how about Adrian Grenier? He's hot. Even Colin Farrell we might understand. But a pop-punk drummer with a fauxhawk and necktoos? Is that really the best you can do?  

Revelling in other people's misfortune is our métier, and revelling in the misfortune of the undeservedly wealthy and egregiously vile is our specialty-within-our-specialty. So today has been a particularly happy day around the CNW offices after hearing about Kevin Connolly repeatedly slugging bloated moneybags Brandon Davis last week. Nothing like a ninny getting his just desserts. And if there's anything Brandon Davis loves, it's desserts!  

Your weekend: clearing the dog BM from your yard, a quiet housewarming party in the suburbs, washing the car, a little light cleaning.

Lindsay Lohan's weekend: cussing out her drunk, coked-up mother in public, dodging flying cookies, a trip to the ER.

Advantage: Lohan.  

• Kevin Federline claims that on his GED, he got "amazing ass test scores." You know who else aced the amazing ass test? Heather Locklear (see above).

• Shamed superstar Mel Gibson fires up his Razr and sets out on the seemingly insurmountable task of personally apologizing to every Jew in the whole wide world.

• Lindsay Lohan is coming out with her own perfume. Exhaustion by Lindsay Lohan will smell softly of jasmine, raspberry vodka, and pink pepper with bottom notes of firecrotch musk.

• And there is no love lost between Lindsay and her Bobby costar William H. Macy, who says that she "should have her ass kicked." Not such a good idea, Macy, old chum. The ass might be your target of choice, but Lindsay apparently goes for the face.

• Cindy Crawford gets by with a little help from her friends. Her good friends Botox and Collagen.

• The Japanese have given the thumbs up to their previously censored Britney naked posters. Gee, you think the "banning" and "controversy" was only to drum up publicity? Nah.

• Pete Doherty: punched out a male nurse at rehab!

• Pete Doherty: also busted for cocaine in rehab! We don't know about you, but we're really starting to understand what a beautiful, wealthy, iconic supermodel would see in him. What a prize!

• His lyrical edge softened with age, contentment, and wealth, Bruce Springsteen makes a bid for authentic suffering by dumping redheaded wife for redheaded 9/11 widow.  

While we're still trying to wrap our minds around a certain television injustice this morning (please explain to us how Jeffrey's Gordon Gartrel reject atrocity could have possibly passed the judges), there is another subject that we must focus our attention on at the moment: Paris Hilton allegedly attempting to access Lindsay Lohan's private voice mail. The horror! The shock! The outrage! The, like, injustice 'n' stuff!  

An Entourage cast member got uppity at a club recently and started a fight with the DJ. We know what you're thinking, and, nope, it wasn't Piven. It wasn't Adrian Grenier or Matt Dillon's brother either. Turtle? He's got some heft. Nope? God, then who's left? Mandy Moore? It has to be Mandy Moore. Wait, you're saying it was Kevin Connolly? Eric? He looks like he couldn't even take Jermaine Dupri or a really quick-witted Ewok. Yeah, we know that last sentence was a bit redundant, but we couldn't think of another thing that was really really small and scrappy.  

The Late Show with David Letterman has become everyone's go-to show for breaking heavy news. First Britney chose the show to squeal about her second Federfetus implantation, now Paris and Nicole are rumored to be set to make nice. Perhaps it is the friendly, nonjudgmental gap between Letterman's teeth that makes stars feel so comfortable baring their innermost thoughts, or maybe it's just the lingering specter of circa '95 Drew Barrymore flashing her breasts that makes them feel so free.  

Note to spoiled celebrity scions: If you plan on getting embroiled in a big ol' bitch fight with Mommy (or Daddy's twenty-two-year-old fourth wife or his Filipino pool boy or whoever will control the estate) make sure Daddy isn't about to kick the bucket. Cause if Daddy dies Mommy might be able to take away your inheritance and leave you with barely enough to pay for the upkeep on your plastic pontoons.  

Red alert! Lindsay Lohan has been hacked! And we don't mean she porked Brett Ratner again.  

We always suspected that Josh Duhamel was about as sane as Judy Garland at an all-you-can-swallow pharmacy. His choice of Fergie pee pee pants as his "girl"friend pretty much proves some sort of chemical imbalance. But picking a fight with Tommy Lee? His penis could knock you clear across the room and he wouldn't even have to look up from his drink.  

Remember the days when Lindsay Lohan was just a little freckle-faced kid with a big rack who spent her days calling ham-armed Hilary Duff a hobag for, like, holding hands with Aaron Carter during Toy Story 2 or something? Boy how times have changed. Lindsay has moved on to fruitlessly picking fights with Diddy and Hilary has moved on to attempting to force tiny morsels of food past her floor-tile teeth for some much-needed nourishment.  

In our last episode of Jenna Elfman: Batshit Scientology Warrior, we left our hero on the streets of Los Angeles, searching for body thetans and eradicating them with her state-of-the-art Hubbardian brand photon laser gun. In today's episode, Jenna Elfman will attempt to free the streets from the widespread scourge of baby rape.  

• Vida Guerra displays her ripe rump for mateworthy males in Playboy.

• Daryl Hannah "arrested for farm protest"? What the . . . ? What kind of sick person protests farming?

• Ashlee Simpson's in the new issue of Marie Claire talking about how women should embrace themselves no matter what size or shape and love their flaws. Accompanied by a nice pictorial spread of her showing off her new rhinoplasty, collagen-infused lips, and cantaloupe diet waistline.

• The other day, Britney, Kevin and Federspears the Younger were photographed together for the first time since March. Oh, they're definitely a loving couple fully committed to one another. We're convinced now.

• Paris and Lindsay fight over Stamos Nachos. They just can't get enough of his warm, cheesy goodness.

• Heather Mills McCartney, soon to be defrocked and downgraded to "Just Plain Heather Mills but a $200 million richer Heather Mills so f u very much", makes viewers sing, "Hey Boob/Don't be a prude/Take some naked pics/And make wangs bigger".

• Some kids like football, some kids like video games, some kids like Legos. Pam Anderson's sons' favorite toy is her stripper pole.

• Brittany Murphy may be tinier than a baby flea, but her rack can compete with the best of them.

• You know what isn't tiny? Screech from Saved by the Bell's weenis.

• Jennifer Aniston's got pokies. And she knows how to use 'em.  

If you weren't mingling with Tinseltown's best and brightest and smarmiest at Bungalow 8 last night, you missed quite the little bitchfight between Stephen "Blade" Dorff and Jeremy "Scooby Doo in Where's My Mummy?" Piven. The two allegedly dissolved into a rousing game of "Who's the D-listiest?" and near-fisticuffs after Dorff, obviously coasting on the kind of career high that only starring in a TV mini-series based on a Robert Ludlum novel can bring, violated the golden rule of "no frontsies, no backsies."  

Old people are funny. Half the time they think it's somewhere around 1922 and insist on digging holes under the floorboards to hide the hooch in. And if the old person in question happens to be the grandmother of walking tub of Crisco Brandon Davis, she thinks that calling someone "firecrotch" in front of a moving-picture camera amounts to an engagement announcement.  

Kate Moss isn't attacking a photographer here, she's demonstrating krumping, the hot new urban dance move that's sweeping the country!



No, actually, she is just attacking a photographer.  

Brandon "Coke Bloat" Davis has caved into pressure and issued a formal apology for the Lindsay Lohan Firecrotch incident using the questionable New York Post as his platform. Lindsay's russet-hued vagina had no comment.