Kevin Federline's rumored affair with former porn star Kendra Jade could be the reason behind the Ferderspears divorce. But we're not sure if we buy into the rumor, as the woman who played Brunette With Worms On Her Body in Ass Clowns is still a few notches up the pseudo-celeb sexual feeding chain from KFed.  

• Hilary Duff has dropped her older emo craprocker lover with MySpace hair.

• She's also dropped the lower 2 inches off those much-maligned veneers. Neiggggh!

• J. Lo can't seem to make a baby. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that her husband is a reanimated corpse. That was mean.

• In this crazy age of full-on spread pink Britney labia in our faces, it's kind of refreshing and titillating to see a lady in a bikini. Good on ya, Kelly Brook.

• Rihanna, on the other hand, is taking a page from the Merry Divorcée and serving up lippage.

• Britney has mysteriously pulled out of planned joint Billboard Awards hosting duties, leaving Paris to go it solo. That marks the very first time you've ever heard "Britney" and "pulled out" in the same sentence.

• Borat blamed for the Pam Anderson-Kid Rock split. In related news, Borat causes global warming, racial profiling was Borat's idea, and Borat sold all that vodka to Mel Gibson.

• Note to Snoop: YOU HAVE MONEY. HIRE SOMEONE TO CARRY YOUR DRUGS AND GUNS FOR YOU.

 

Always one to jump on a PETA-approved trend, Pam Anderson has filed for divorce from her husband of less than four months, Kid Rock. We know that the trend-setting abilities of Reese and Ryan and, especially, Britney and KFed are often irresistable to lesser-caliber celebrities, but we thought Pam and Kid's shared love of plastic palookas constrained by teeny bikinis, PBR, and rabbit-like sex in public (we assume) would be enough to last at least a year or two.  

Kevin Federline is sticking to his claim that's he's a great parent and loves his kids. He just can't buy them shit like food and clothes and shelter and Bubble Yum.  

Kevin Federline is begging Britney Spears to take him back. Obviously this is motivated by a deep commitment to his home and family and a love for his children and a devotion to his wife. It has nothing to do with the fact that he'll soon be a charter member of the Burger King layaway plan.  

It's official: For every day until the end of time (or at least until Britney's demise in a bizarre poisoned hair-extension accident) you will encounter a minimum of three gossip items concerning Britney Spears and/or Kevin Federline. Today, Kevin allegedly tries to sell a sex tape, but if that falls through he'll always have that intriguing surveillance footage from his car, and Vogue turns down free pics of Jayden.  

You may not have known that Sienna Miller and Jude Law have actually been together (TOGETHER together) for the past few months. But now, they are over for good. Finito. Officially. No, for real this time. Serious! No, don't roll your eyes at--oooh, you're asking for it, mister.  

Kevin Federline must have done some pretty shitty things to his soon-to-be ex-wife, because Britney wants him living on the street begging for change and Fubu gear. We haven't seen Brit's dogs in a while; maybe Kevin heard purse pooches provide a better high than shrooms and tried to stuff them in his bong and smoke them.  

Today in Britney news: You can stop the "analysis" you've been conducting of that supposed Britney Spears sex tape. It's a fake. But if your perversions run more toward reckless child endangerment rather than wagging wangs, then you're in luck, as Kevin Federline is suing Britney for custody of their two children. And we're almost 87% positive that Kevin has enough tact not to resort to a Sean P./Jayden/Apple Martin sex tape for cash. 87%.  

On most days pictures of a re-hotted Britney Spears letting Jayden's favorite hobby (i.e. her breasts) hang halfway out of her dress would be big f-ing news and we wouldn't need to say another word about our favorite poptart. But today isn't just any day. It's the day of all hope and glory and regained wanking possibilities. Britney lost an unsightly layer of blubber surrounding her once-worshiped physique, and she also lost that big pile of donkey shit she's been carting around and covering in diamonds for two years. So today we have two Britney stories. After the jump, sex tape, fake wedding, possible fake divorce. Oh holy day!  

• Elle Macpherson's still got it! Believe the hype, feel the magic, catch the wave, etc., etc.

• Anna Nicole sold the video of her C-section to Entertainment Tonight for $1 million. OK, so for those who like to keep count: she sold the last pictures of her with her son, she sold the pictures of her "commitment ceremony" to lawyer/barnacle Howard K. Stern, she sold the (incredibly bloody and brutal) video of her baby's birth. Next on the auction block: the baby.

• Moby hopes that if and when he has children, they will turn out gay. Gay children everywhere are hoping that if and when they are sired, it won't be to Moby.

• Ryan Phillippe says, in regards to rumors that he cheated on Reese Witherspoon, “I’m not a perfect person, but I’m not guilty of a lot of the things I have been accused of.” He's not guilty of a lot of those things. Just a bunch of them. A passel, if you will.

• Lindsay Lohan has been rear-ended. Has she ever!

• Sienna Miller gets revenge on Pittsburgh by showing her boobs. That'll learn 'em.

• Jordan (sweet, sweet Jordan) says that husband Peter Andre's past as a schtupper of tramps makes her sick. Apparently, she feels fine about him being a present schtupper of one tramp.

• Jessica Simpson makes with the cleavage; jazz hands.

 

Look out the window! Pigs are flying! Also, newborn kittens and rainbow glitter funfetti are raining from the heavens! Why?

Britney Spears has filed for divorce! She's casting off the oppressive, Axe Body Spray-scented Federshackles and is about to spread her wings and fly free! Details after the cut!  

• Is Australian actress Abbie Cornish the real reason behind the Reese/Ryan breakup? That would mark the second time Ryan's fallen for a blonde with an incredibly silly last name. At least he's consistent.

• Sumner Redstone says that he dropped Tom Cruise's contract because his wife, Paula, "like women everywhere, had come to hate him." Ouch, and hahahahaha.

• Cindy Margolis is in Playboy. And her bod makes us hum Bob Seger's "Like a Rock".

• The drummer for McFly (who?) has been bragging to anyone who'll listen that he has felt the gently licking flames of Lohan's firecrotch. Yeeeeah, that's like bragging that you ate food once, or that you sometimes blink.

• Step aside, Brangelina! Take a hike, Bennifer! Let's all give a warm welcome to . . . Tophvanka Grump!

• If there's anything U.S. Marines hate, it's being in the presence of a large-breasted, blonde, ultra-famous porn star.

• Katie Holmes recently ran into Brooke Shields and stopped to chat. Afterwards, her handler best friend ever threw a burlap sack over her head, threw her in the back of a Brinks security van, drove her to a secluded location 4 miles beneath the earth's crust, and subjected her to 72 straight hours of deprogramming and delousing.

• Heidi Klum: finally, a celebrity who ain't afraid to get a little scary for the sake of Halloween. Nicely done.

• Patrick Dempsey's ex-wife, whom he married when he was 21 and she was the 48-year-old stepmother of his best friend, is alleging that he beat her during the filming of Can't Buy Me Love. Hey, these actors are tempestuous, artistic types and often have trouble bringing their work home with them at the end of the day. Can you really blame Dempsey for feeling violent when he spent day in and day out in character as a brutal, sexist killer with a hair-trigger temper. Wait, what? Can't Buy Me Love was about a mild-mannered nerd on a riding lawnmower? Oh.  

A part of us died the day we heard that Brad and Jennifer Aniston decided to end their union. A part of us that we can never get back. The part of us that believed in love. The last year has been cold and hard and ugly, metaphorically blackened with tar and coated with frost. And just when we felt we, like Gloria Estefan after her tragic bus accident, were coming out of the dark, Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe announce that they are legally separating. And the thick hoar grows over our hearts anew.  

• Following her guest-starring role as lottery winner Dawn Budge on Nip/Tuck, Rosie O'Donell will be doing a spinoff series. A Dawn Budge spinoff but no Riding the Bus with My Sister spinoff? God, the injustice in this world.

• We can see right through Mischa Barton.

• And after that, she pokes out our eyeballs so that we might never see again.

• Lance and Matt: forever putting the "ghey" in "McConaughey"!

• Ellen Barkin would like you to know that she has fucked George Clooney. Big deal. Join the club.

• Kelly Brook's underwear can be yours. In fact, Kelly Brook's underwear can be anybody's now.

• Suzanne Somers wrote a new book about hormone replacement therapy being the fountain of youth. Before you go clamoring to pick up a copy and a side of progesterone, have a gander at the results. Sweet fancy Moses on a cracker!

• Whitney Houston is legally extricating herself from Bobby Brown. Hopefully she'll get custody of a better weave. Oh yeah! We went there! That's right!

• Heather Mills is alleging that Paul McCartney roughed her up during their marriage. Oh, please. That's like saying you got roofied by Cat Stevens. Paul McCartney? Macca? Seriously? The worst we can picture is him smoking a laced doob and giving a half-hearted slap with some organic radishes or something.

• The wrestlers of the WWE had their way with Kevin Federline the other night. And while the pictures of K-Fed getting body-slammed in the ring are pleasant enough, we can't help but yearn for the quality WWF days of our youth and wish that Junkyard Dog and the Iron Sheik would join forces to tag-team Federline, while Lou Albano shot rubber bands from the sidelines and afterwards, Rowdy Roddy Piper would make a man out of K-Fed during a Backlot Brawl.  

About once every three months or so Nicky Hilton begs big sis Paris to lie low for a couple days, go for a series of colonics at that nice spa in Palm Springs or fall off a table while she's dancing so she has to have a bit of bed rest, so that Nicky can nab a little piece of the Hilton press pie, in order to sell Tweety-bird themed clothing or a hotel or cowboy hats with Nicky spelled out in rhinestones or some such crap. This time around Nick's using her Paris-free day for a little break-up publicity.  

We don't really care whom Paris Hilton and her set have or haven't slept with. At this point it's just swapping different herpes strains anyway. But in a desperate bid to garner publicity for his new House of Carters (which we'll only watch if it involves AARON CARTER SHIRTLESS), Nick Carter is claiming that Paris cheated on him with Chad Michael Murray, so in return Nick slept with Ashlee Simpson. Why doesn't everyone in Hollywood under age 25 just get together for one giant clusterfuck and call it a night? Except for that lovely Mandy Moore. We wouldn't want to defile her like that.  

Our jubilance upon learning that Eva Longoria and her romantically subnormal toy boy, Tony Parker, had split was short-lived. Today we learn the sad fact that they are trying to save the romance, and that Eva has dropped everything and flown to France to try to work things through, thus giving gossip writers yet another reason to think they're terribly clever by describing Eva as "desperate". Oh ho ho!  

Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn have broken up. And so have Nicole Richie and that one guy. He's like the son of some famous guy who, like, did the luge or synchronized swimming at the Olympics or something. He dated that girl from that show that's like The O.C. only "real"? C'mon, he's tall, has dark hair, wears shirts? You know the one.  

Ring the alarm! Sound the gong! Eva Longoria and her frog baller lover Tony Parker are over! Guess that "T.P." mons pubis tattoo doesn't seem like such a stellar idea today, eh, Eva?  

Despite denials from Lindsay Lohan's camp, Harry Morton has admitted that they are officially finished as a couple. Oh, sure, Harry, nab the most famous young lady in America, get tons of publicity for your Pink Taco restaurant chain after you toss all of her panties in the incinerator, thereby forcing her to flash her own pink taco, then drop her. It's the oldest trick in the book.  

Did Lindsay Lohan and Harry Morton really break up? Was Linds really seen making out with our long lost favorite, Stamos Nachos? If someone took a picture of one of Lindsay's turds would we post it and call it newsworthy? And the answers are: maybe maybe not, possibly, and most definitely yes.  

It's been fourteen long years in the making, but Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown are finally Splitsville. No word yet in regards to the cause of the breakup, but in situations like this, it's usually because one of them got clean. And seeing how Whitney's been appearing in public with her wig on straight while wearing weather-appropriate clothing, we're banking on her. Congrats!  

Lindsay Lohan is one busy beaver lately, and we're not just talking about all that gash she's been flashing. Today must be official Lindsay saturation day, as she's coming at us from all sides. She's secretly married! No, she and Harry are broken up! She finally wears panties! But she forgets her pants! And Jane Fonda wants to cradle Lindsay in her nurturing bosom until Lindsay can learn to be a freakin' grown-up already.  

Are John Mayer and Jessica Simpson a perfect match, like Peaches and Herb? Are they even really dating? Did John dump Jessica's ass? Do we get to take a crack at her next? Then we really don't care.  

• "Eva Longoria Loves Facials". Yep, that sounds about right.

• My Gwen Stefani doll can beat up your Peaches N' Cream Barbie.

• Still no word on whether or not Lohan is engaged to Harry "Pink Taco" Morton, but she's sporting an '80s-style pear-cut diamond that Alexis Carrington herself would find distasteful.

• Kelly Clarkson was embarrassed to learn that she owned the same pink convertible as a porn star. The fact that she actually owns a pink convertible is much more embarrassing, however.

• Brittany Murphy exits club, gets propositioned for some tuna taco tangoing, signs autographs, lets us look down her shirt. Now that's multitasking.

• Eva Mendes's bare ass in Flaunt magazine. You heard us. That's right. Believe it. Flaunt magazine! Seriously!

• Kate Bosworth and Orlando Bloom broke up. Again. If a walking Chupa Chups lollipop and a crustachioed eunuch can't make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us?

• An idea we wish we'd thought of: Gossip Blog Wars.

• Kate Moss + underwear = server crash. Way to get your kit off, bird! Pip pip! Tut tut! Tally ho! Cheerio!  

• Kevin Federline claims that on his GED, he got "amazing ass test scores." You know who else aced the amazing ass test? Heather Locklear (see above).

• Shamed superstar Mel Gibson fires up his Razr and sets out on the seemingly insurmountable task of personally apologizing to every Jew in the whole wide world.

• Lindsay Lohan is coming out with her own perfume. Exhaustion by Lindsay Lohan will smell softly of jasmine, raspberry vodka, and pink pepper with bottom notes of firecrotch musk.

• And there is no love lost between Lindsay and her Bobby costar William H. Macy, who says that she "should have her ass kicked." Not such a good idea, Macy, old chum. The ass might be your target of choice, but Lindsay apparently goes for the face.

• Cindy Crawford gets by with a little help from her friends. Her good friends Botox and Collagen.

• The Japanese have given the thumbs up to their previously censored Britney naked posters. Gee, you think the "banning" and "controversy" was only to drum up publicity? Nah.

• Pete Doherty: punched out a male nurse at rehab!

• Pete Doherty: also busted for cocaine in rehab! We don't know about you, but we're really starting to understand what a beautiful, wealthy, iconic supermodel would see in him. What a prize!

• His lyrical edge softened with age, contentment, and wealth, Bruce Springsteen makes a bid for authentic suffering by dumping redheaded wife for redheaded 9/11 widow.  

• Brittany Murphy has ended her engagement to best boy/grip Joe Macaluso. Brittany, do you actually think you're going to be able to do better? He's the BEST boy, for Christ's sake!

• "Kevin Federline mauled by rap community." God, if only that headline were literal.

• Janet Jackson says that fiancé Jermaine Dupri sexually takes her to places she's never been before. Oh, like the Ewok Village? Get it? Cuz he's short.

• Proving you can never have too much of a good thing: even more pictures of the expansive side of Lindsay Lohan's enormous, speckled breast.

• And Lindsay's dad is quite the little Jim Davis, taking pen to paper and cartooning the demons pulling his daughter from his fatherly embrace. Impressive, but we would have drawn Lindsay crying "ACK!" and holding a bikini on a hanger to illustrate her body-image issues.

• A devious, scrawny mammal that steals sneakily, and Kevin Federline. One and the same, friends, but which one has more facial hair?

• Britney angrily refused to allow Jessica Simpson to kiss her pregnant belly, which is the first smart thing Britney's done, child-rearing-wise. Perhaps she didn't want to risk having her fetus get poisoned by toxic, cupcake-scented plumping gloss.

• Beyonce and Jay-Z are planning a $3 million wedding. Bet the courtesy gift bag will be fabulous!

• Jessica Simpson is now hawking hairpieces. What is she, a Mandrell?  

As we mentioned before, Kate Hudson's marriage is not only over, she's reportedly saddled up, slipped her dainty feet into the well-worn stirrups, and trotted off on the sinewy back of The Butterscotch Stallion. But the impetus for doing so might not be a simple "irreconcilable differences"--Kate reportedly has grown weary of playing the part of the meat in a Chris Robinson-giggling groupie sandwich.  

Yesterday we were indescribably bored by the break-up of Kate Hudson and Chris Robinson because there were no details. Today we learn that Kate might be getting some sweet, sweet salad tossing from a Stallion of the Butterscotch variety. Way to go, Kate. You caught our interest with nary a slipped nip in sight.