• Hilary Duff has dropped her older emo craprocker lover with MySpace hair.

• She's also dropped the lower 2 inches off those much-maligned veneers. Neiggggh!

• J. Lo can't seem to make a baby. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that her husband is a reanimated corpse. That was mean.

• In this crazy age of full-on spread pink Britney labia in our faces, it's kind of refreshing and titillating to see a lady in a bikini. Good on ya, Kelly Brook.

• Rihanna, on the other hand, is taking a page from the Merry Divorcée and serving up lippage.

• Britney has mysteriously pulled out of planned joint Billboard Awards hosting duties, leaving Paris to go it solo. That marks the very first time you've ever heard "Britney" and "pulled out" in the same sentence.

• Borat blamed for the Pam Anderson-Kid Rock split. In related news, Borat causes global warming, racial profiling was Borat's idea, and Borat sold all that vodka to Mel Gibson.

• Note to Snoop: YOU HAVE MONEY. HIRE SOMEONE TO CARRY YOUR DRUGS AND GUNS FOR YOU.

 

Pete Doherty was pulled over yesterday for driving like an out-of-control crackhead and was then arrested for possession of crack. We would love to report fully on this story, but it's Monday morning, we're tired, and, frankly, we're getting a little sick of this shit.  

• Angelina and Brad are reportedly adopting an Indian baby as we speak. Because African babies are soooo early-to-mid October 2k6.

• Please, for the love of all that is good and holy in this mortal world, will someone, anyone, shoot a tranq dart into Naomi Campbell's neck?

• Rush Limbaugh accuses Parkinson's sufferer Michael J. Fox of exaggerating his symptoms in a political ad, saying, "He is moving around and shaking, and it is purely an act." Seriously, dude! And remember when Christopher Reeve was tooling around in a wheelchair with a trach tube? Also totally all an act. Fucker was just lazy and tired of walking and breathing. Some Superman!

• DJ AM, aka Adam Goldstein, has moved on from Nicole Richie to nice Jewish girl Michelle Trachtenberg. His bubby is so pleased.

• For the reasonable price of $100,000, Paris Hilton will come to your New Year's Eve party 3 hours late, sit in a corner and text furiously on her Sidekick for 20 minutes, perhaps flash an assflap or two, then leave.

• Sandra Bullock had sexual intercourse on Sunday night.

• Federline the Younger is actually named Jayden James. SPF squared, we hardly knew ye.

• Tara Reid said that her nipples "looked like goose-shaped eggs". Not goose eggs. Eggs, shaped like geese. Nipples like thin shells with webbed feet and beaks and wings holding albumen and yolk. Yup. That's what Tara Reid's nipples looked like.  

• George Michael says, "I don't have a drug problem!" Aside from being arrested after falling asleep in his car at an intersection. For the second time. In eight months.

• Avril Lavigne apologizes for hawking loogs on the Pavarotti, stating that she'd never spit on her fans. No, she'll just flip them off and cuss them out.

• Well, Jordan's obviously got her cell phone on "vibrate".

• There's another warrant out for Bobby Brown's arrest--he owes two months' worth of back child support, totalling $11,000. Oh please, they can't expect Bobby Brown to scrape up that kinda scratch these days.

• Mischa Barton's shirt says "Drop knowledge, not bombs". But what she's really dropping is a big ole doo log of an outfit.

• Carmen Electra poses for some nice "F U, Dave" shots.

• The "Marie Antoinette Association" of France are hopping mad about Kirsten Dunst's portrayal of the queen in Sofia Coppola's new film, helpfully titled Marie Antoinette. A spokesperson for the association hisses, "I've seen the trailer for the film on the internet. It is a fright. We've spent years trying to convince people that the queen was not just a libertine who told the starving to eat cake. What do you see on the trailer? You see Marie Antoinette eating cake. You see her lying naked on a chaise longue. I fear the film is going to set us back many years." God, just think of all the advancements these people have made by dressing up in powdered wigs and sending out mimeographed newsletters . . . down the drain! All those hours spent planning historical reenactment dinners--wasted! And just wait until people see the movie and actually believe that Marie Antoinette was a fang-toothed California blonde who listened to New Order! It'll be anarchy! Civil war! Innocents will be slaughtered! Pestilence will sweep the land! Sacre bleu!  

• Buffy costar Mercedes McNab to pose for Playboy; socially-challenged fanboys to spring boners eternal.

• Sweet little cherub Mandy Moore is bringin' schlumpy back, and pulling it off.

• And lo, brash angel of God Kathy Griffin alit and sayeth unto Tori Spelling: "unto you a childe is borne!"

• Paris Hilton has been officially charged with drunk driving. Now, if only she were to be officially charged by the fashion police. Ooh! That's right! We went there! Uh-huh! Two snaps up, girlfriend!

• Aerosmith's Steven Tyler is one hep cat.

• Ashlee Simpson premiered as Roxie Hart in the London Cambridge Theatre's production of Chicago Monday night. And alas, there was no one with an oversized novelty hook, nor any clowns with comical janitor's brooms in sight.

• Lindsay Lohan's father brags about porking his daughter's Herbie stunt double. No punch line needed.

• A helpful compendium of celebrity nippage to clip, save, collect, and trade with friends.

• Tom and K-Hole are looking for a project they can star in together. Might we suggest adapting Ronnie Spector's biography, Be My Baby? Though Tom as a megalomaniacal, shrimpy Svengali with a predilection for shades holding his young and innocent wife captive in their own home might be a bit of a stretch. Har de har har.  

Do you wanna hear Kirsten Dunst talk about sex? In public? With Jake Gyllenhaal? Of course you do. Because you have a much stronger stomach than we do and the thought of happening upon a gay cowboy giving it to Kirsten in a public restroom and periodically reaching down around her knees to fondle her breasts is something you can totally handle.  

By now you know that Paris Hilton was arrested last night for drunk driving. And you might have also heard her gossip sympathizers pulling out the normal lame-ass excuses. She only had one drink. Her house was like four minutes away. Her blood alcohol level was almost legal. The paparazzi flashbulbs are impregnated with tequila that soaks into Paris's skin with every snap and her drunkenness is totally their fault. Sure, Paris. That's like a hooker getting arrested mid-beej and saying, "But officer, I only charged five dollars and he was really, really begging for it. I couldn't help myself."  

After patching up our tinfoil hats, storing our children safely in a well, and duct-taping pillows to our person, we have emerged from our hastily assembled Celebrity Scandal Shelter to assess the Mel Gibson Drunkgate fallout. We weren't surprised to learn that he'd been charged with misdemeanor drunk driving, but finding out that in addition to blaming the Jewish population for the world's problems, he has, in the past, made several inflammatory comments about gay men, stating that not only do they engage in anal sex, but the aforementioned anus is used to eliminate solid waste from the body. Sacre bleu!  

Over the weekend, Pam Anderson married Kid Rock, Lindsay Lohan threw caution to the wind and defiantly stepped out on the town, but Mel Gibson has them all beat: tossing back enough liquor to immobilize a hippo, drunk driving (possibly in a bid to off himself), getting arrested, spewing anti-Semitic slurs and sexually harassing female police officers, and then, humbled, checking his ass into rehab. You might say he was in high spirits. Bwahahaha! "Spirits!" Hahaha! Cuz . . . cuz he was . . . drunk . . . oh, never mind.  

A paparazzo has filed a police report against Bruce Willis, claiming that the cueballed celebrity pushed him and shoved him with his own camera. Willis's spokesman, Paul Bloch, says that Bruce simply raised a hand up "to protect himself" because he was "blinded by the lights." Furthermore, Willis was also revved up like a deuce, or possibly wrapped up like a douche, depending on who you talk to.  

• Vida Guerra displays her ripe rump for mateworthy males in Playboy.

• Daryl Hannah "arrested for farm protest"? What the . . . ? What kind of sick person protests farming?

• Ashlee Simpson's in the new issue of Marie Claire talking about how women should embrace themselves no matter what size or shape and love their flaws. Accompanied by a nice pictorial spread of her showing off her new rhinoplasty, collagen-infused lips, and cantaloupe diet waistline.

• The other day, Britney, Kevin and Federspears the Younger were photographed together for the first time since March. Oh, they're definitely a loving couple fully committed to one another. We're convinced now.

• Paris and Lindsay fight over Stamos Nachos. They just can't get enough of his warm, cheesy goodness.

• Heather Mills McCartney, soon to be defrocked and downgraded to "Just Plain Heather Mills but a $200 million richer Heather Mills so f u very much", makes viewers sing, "Hey Boob/Don't be a prude/Take some naked pics/And make wangs bigger".

• Some kids like football, some kids like video games, some kids like Legos. Pam Anderson's sons' favorite toy is her stripper pole.

• Brittany Murphy may be tinier than a baby flea, but her rack can compete with the best of them.

• You know what isn't tiny? Screech from Saved by the Bell's weenis.

• Jennifer Aniston's got pokies. And she knows how to use 'em.  

• Michelle Rodriguez is out of jail again, and she says, "I'm moving to France... People don't bother you there." Which we take to mean "The pigs don't hassle me when I kick back a carafe of red wine and then go for a spin in a Renault." Ooh la la!

• Thank you, Mira Sorvino, for giving your new son a normal name. Teach your Hollywood brethren, Mira Sorvino. Show them the way.

• No link here, but seriously: When was the last time we saw Britney and Kevin together? Just wondering.

• Robin Tunney is pretty. Robin Tunney has a nipple. Pretty Robin Tunney shows us her nipple.

• Christina Aguilera's husband, proboscis monkey Jordan Bratman, won't let his wife pose topless. What a brat, man.

• No, no, the old saying isn't "Mom, baseball, and apple pie." It's "baseball, braces, and Alyssa Milano's pokies."

• Mariah Carey: That tomato's got billion dollah pegs, I tells ya.

• Ben Affleck rushed to the hospital because of a headache. The rest of us rushed to the hospital because we just heard the name Ben Affleck.

• Mischa Barton calls her mother "retarded." Yeah, but who's the one who willingly had sexual congress with Brandon Davis? Huh? Huh??? Who's retarded now, Mischa? Who's retarded now????  

• Nicole Richie and DJ AM have officially broken up. Apparently, he's disgusted by Nicole's extreme weight loss method of not eating, while he lost over a hundred pounds the old fashioned way: by having a team of doctors reduce his stomach to the size of a butterbean, then saw off all his excess skin with scalpels.

• Ryan Seacrest pulls a Heather Chandler.

• Naomi Campbell "keeps new man quiet". By beating his larynx clean out of his throat with a Sidekick.

• Beginning our special cleavage (un)coverage from Cannes: Halle Berry's berries!

• Up next: Elizabeth Hurley, trotting out her old girls!

• And finally, Alyssa Milano's Micelli mams! A stupendous showing! Props to all!

• Michelle Rodriguez is heading back to jail. Must be a dream come true for her.

• Michelle Williams's dad was jailed for tax evasion. Maybe he and Lindsay Lohan's father can break out the jug and harmonica and form a prison band.

• Penn Jillette and wife name newborn son Zolten, because they want him to grow up to tell fortunes.

• Geri "Ginger Spice" Halliwell names her newborn daughter Bluebell Madonna, because she wants her to be a magical pet rabbit that strips.  

She may have gotten killed off on Lost, but weep not for Michelle Rodriguez. She allegedly had an "amazing experience" in jail. The same sort of "amazing experience" thousands of fresh-faced teenage girls enjoy during the second semester of their freshman year at Simmons, to be sure.  

• The highly downloadable Cindy Margolis will be posing for Playboy. She's the spokeswoman for the National Infertility Association. God, that makes us feel horny.

• Paris Hilton: attacked by evil flying car!

• American Idol contestant Katharine McPhee almost McPhlashed some McPhurburger on national TV last night. And she would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you pesky panties!

• Jordan shows us what she's famous for. And we ain't talkin' acting chops, writing style, or mellifluous singing voice. NSFW, natch.

• More Gong for your dong! Asian skinsation Gong Li gives us a reason to see the upcoming Miami Vice movie.

• When presented with the choice of doing time in the pen or being nurturing and contributing kindly to society via a little community service, Michelle Rodriguez said "fuck that" and picked jail. Because she's an asswipe. An asswipe who loooooves incarcerated poontang.

• Ashlee Simpson says that she's taller than sister Jessica and her legs are longer, although her jugs aren't as udderly colossal. It's a draw.

• Kevin Costner settles with the woman who accuses him of stroking his weiner in front of her. He is not Untouchable after all.  

Poor old George Michael has run afoul of the law once again. First, he was arrested after waving his dong at an undercover policeman during a failed tea room trade, and now it seems that a guy can't even smoke a little grass and fall asleep at the wheel on a busy street without catching the interest of the bobbies. A fallen pop idol can't never catch a break.  

• Nicole Richie (version Fat.0) with plump rump ripe on the runway. Ah, those halcyon days of youth.

• Super kookynuts rumor of the day: Paris Hilton is set to dip her ring finger in the cheesy, Uncle Jesse style goodness of Stamos Nachos and become his lawfully wedded tortilla chip.

• Not only can 90210 "actress" Tori Spelling make disgusted faces and make David Silver get a boner, she can also make a baby! Yaaaay!

• After getting arrested for posession of crack yesterday, Kate Moss squire of yore Pete Doherty claims she left him for good because he's packing a wee weiner.

• While Enrique Iglesias claims that the rumors of his own lack of girth have been greatly exaggerated.

• She says Jacko's not the one, no, the kid is not his son.

• Yet ANOTHER reason to hate Fergie.

• Keeping with the Halloween spirit, Tom and Katie are set to wed on October 21rst.

• After the three Magi heard King Herod, they went on their way, and the star they had seen in the east went ahead of them until it stopped over the place where the child was. On coming to the Malibu house with the tricked-out pink Hummer out front, they saw the child with his mother Britney, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented Sean Preston with gifts of woobies and of binkies and of myrrh. Merry X-mas, y'all!

 

Today, we're printing a couple of corrections, just like a real website that gets sued and crap!  

• According to PerezHilton.com, Rose McGowan was arrested last night at the T-Mobile party in Hollywood. He won't say why, but there are little Photoshopped white granules gently marching up her nose in the picture. Does she have really bad allergies? Was she doing some particularly dusty drywall work? Seriously, can someone help us decipher this cryptic clue?

• Britney reportedly has post-partum depression after turding out baby Sean Federspears. Blah blah Tom Cruise blah blah blah blah.

• J. Lo-Anthony to show a little spare tire for the upcoming Pirelli calendar, alongside disco dust martyr Kate Moss.

• Possibly old, possibly not even Paris Hilton, but there's an ass, a boat, another naked girl, and no Tom Sizemore in sight.

• And for David Copperfield's next trick, he'll impregnate a woman onstage without touching her. Blah blah Tom Cruise blah blah blah Katie Holmes blah.

• Angelina and Brad are betrothed?

• First picture of the offspring of Seal and Heidi Klum is available, and little Henry sure is . . . he's really . . . he's quite . . . he's, uh, got a nice head of hair.

• Bono says he always wears sunglasses because "My eyes are very sensitive to light. Also, I'm a humungously pretentious douchelord."

 

Sometimes we disregard the gossip that all the kids are talking about, usually because we’re lazy or too busy thinking about the contents of some celebrity’s womb or we’ve been distracted by something shiny. And, frankly, we just weren’t that surprised when we heard about Boy George being busted for cocaine. Now that a male prostitute has entered the picture we’re still not surprised, but we are laughing.  

• We're scared, and expecting Renée Zellweger to show up at our offices with a sack of nickels and a sawed-off shotgun any day now.

• In the real world, when a guy plies a girl with booze and coerces her to strip, it's called date rape. In Hollywood, when it happens to Sly Stallone and Sharon Stone, it's called movie magic!

• BarryMORE, braLESS.

• Paparazzi didn't cause Lindsay Lohan's Benz bust-up, illegal U-turns did. GodDAMN, girl's got some good spin doctors.

• Hey, don't look at us! We've been abiding by the strict "at least 500 yards away at all times" clause in that restraining order Freddie Prinze Jr. took out on us. Right, Freddie? Right? Heh heh. Heh . . . heh. Heh?

• Man. For a pointy-faced prepubescent weinerless elf, Orlando Bloom sure gets around town with the pretty ladies.

• Thank GOD a dangerous criminal mastermind like Kate Moss will soon be behind bars! London, your streets are now safe again.  

America's favorite erstwhile TV cop, Kim Delaney, has found herself on the wrong side of the law again after showing up at her teenage son's friend's house drunk and forcing the kid to get in the car with her.
Coulda been worse, though. At least she didn't drunkenly try to grope him in the backseat. We hope.  

• Gwen Stefani sees herself as a "dorky fat kid". That's funny, because we see her as a creepy transvestite who keeps Japanese girls as pets.

• Are you going to Scarborough Fair? Parsley, sage, rosemary and weed.

• Naomi Campbell blah blah blah new catfight blah blah punching slapping blah zzzzzzzzzz.

• Johnny Knoxville has something in common with Mick Jagger. And it's not 30 illegitmate children or highly kissable lips!

• Victoria Posh Spice says she does, in fact, read books. They're just children's books, is all.

• Nick and Jessica can barely fake it anymore.

• It's kind of a crude, low budget Midwestern version of Gawker Stalker, but we have our first celebrity sighting: a snitchy spy wrote us and said that they spotted Dwight Yoakam at the White Stripes/Greenhornes show in Chicago last night, and that Yoakam was "hanging around the Greenhornes' dressing room for a good hour, calling the band 'my Ohio boys' and eating their Fritos and dip". If you see Yoakam (or, like, Angelina Jolie, or Marilyn McCoo even) at their show tonight, let us know: tips@celebnewswire.com.  

Oh, Courtney. Back in rehab and claiming to be the pod incubating Steve Coogan's pea? For shame. Why can't you clean up? Why can't you be more like that nice Natasha Lyonne girl? Oh, wait.  

• Arnold Schwarzenegger just can't seem to keep his hands off the dames, and now one of his extramarital playmates is claiming that she was paid off by the Enquirer. Listen, if you were married to Skeletor, wouldn't you be blindly grabbing any ripe flesh that happened to pass by?

• Kate Moss's mom has a loving nickname for her daughter's paramour Pete Doherty: Crackhead. Fitting since . . . well, since he just got arrested in Oslo for posession of heroin and crack.

• Winona! Where ya been, girlfriend? Oh, and where'd you get that cute belt? How much did it cos--oh.

• Paula Abdul to return to Idol and thanks her "fans around the world" for their support. Wait, she means these ones, right?

• Puffy Sean John Diddy P. Combs Daddy is now just "Diddy". He says the new name is "more rock n' roll" and we agree. Just saying "Diddy diddy diddy!" makes us feel like we're in Mott the Hoople!

• Marcia Cross is frigid.

• Britney sez: screw the homeless, screw poverty, and triple screw AIDS; I'm putting my cash towards more red string thingies for toddlers!  

Pamderson wasn't the only lady looking indecent and/or immoral at her Roast the other night. Her new BFF Courtney Love was there, demonstrating that she is not, as she has insisted lo, these many months, clean and sober, and tried desperately to bring some hole to the Friar's Club stage.

And no, we're not talking about her band.  

• American Idol also-ran and possible Paula-porker Corey Clark wields salisbury steak and curly fries like they wuz deadly weapons. Straight up!

• Awwww. Look at the cute gay midget. It thinks it's butch.

• Jen Aniston's not a playa; she just hugs a lot.

• The charming Nicole Richie gives Paris a run for her money in the paid partygoer department; tragically misplaces her breasts in the process.

• Victoria Silvstedt continues sex-drenched vacation, loses li'l Napoleon consort, shows off surgeon's work.

• We could've sworn we'd heard that Avril Lavigne and that one dude from that one band were engaged months ago, but they really are now, for real this time.

• Erstwhile Erkel-esque "comedian" Chris Tucker gets pulled over for speeding; makes us laugh for the first time ever!  

From MSNBC:


Yeah. That's, uh . . . that's probably a pretty good idea.  

(Is it wrong that we're kind of bummed out he didn't grab a tit? We're finding it next to impossible to come up with any Slater butt puns, and "Gleaming the Boob" has such a nice ring to it.) At any rate: Christian Slater picked the wrong seat to snatch when he decided to get all handsy-like on Tuesday morning. In a startling turn of events, the grabbee was less than amused to find herself on the receiving end of a random cheek squeeze even though her assailant was the star of Untamed Heart. However, weep not for Slater--he's got strippers on his side!  

Memorial Day weekend! Whoo! Party! While you were busy getting wasted and playing grab-ass, Oliver Stone and Christian Slater were busy . . . getting wasted . . . and, uh, playing grab-ass. Also.