• Elle Macpherson's still got it! Believe the hype, feel the magic, catch the wave, etc., etc.

• Anna Nicole sold the video of her C-section to Entertainment Tonight for $1 million. OK, so for those who like to keep count: she sold the last pictures of her with her son, she sold the pictures of her "commitment ceremony" to lawyer/barnacle Howard K. Stern, she sold the (incredibly bloody and brutal) video of her baby's birth. Next on the auction block: the baby.

• Moby hopes that if and when he has children, they will turn out gay. Gay children everywhere are hoping that if and when they are sired, it won't be to Moby.

• Ryan Phillippe says, in regards to rumors that he cheated on Reese Witherspoon, “I’m not a perfect person, but I’m not guilty of a lot of the things I have been accused of.” He's not guilty of a lot of those things. Just a bunch of them. A passel, if you will.

• Lindsay Lohan has been rear-ended. Has she ever!

• Sienna Miller gets revenge on Pittsburgh by showing her boobs. That'll learn 'em.

• Jordan (sweet, sweet Jordan) says that husband Peter Andre's past as a schtupper of tramps makes her sick. Apparently, she feels fine about him being a present schtupper of one tramp.

• Jessica Simpson makes with the cleavage; jazz hands.

 

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are presently in India shooting A Mighty Heart, and they've been entangled in pickle after pickle since they've arrived. First, their bodyguard choked a photographer attempting to take a picture of Tinseltown's favorite rainbow-hued family, and yesterday, Angelina's driver was trying to escape paparazzi when he swerved into and struck a 19-year-old dude on a motorbike. Yahoo! News says:

Police confirmed to the network that 19-year-old Mittal Rawat was hit by the vehicle while Jolie was riding in the car, reading. The teenager himself was the one who pointed out that the actress' driver was looking to escape some eager paparazzi

And then she got out of the car, looked deeply into the injured teen's eyes, felt a connection, and promptly adopted him.  

Your weekend: clearing the dog BM from your yard, a quiet housewarming party in the suburbs, washing the car, a little light cleaning.

Lindsay Lohan's weekend: cussing out her drunk, coked-up mother in public, dodging flying cookies, a trip to the ER.

Advantage: Lohan.  

• Matthew Broderick appears to have injured himself after falling off his wife.

• J. Lo es no preggo. "She is 100% not pregnant," says a rep, however, she is still 93% annoying.

• Tara Reid getting cockblocked from Hyde while Paris breezes right in = funny. The fact that the hottest club catering to young Hollywood is ironically blasting Kenny Loggins's "Footloose" = funnier.

• Lindsay Lohan changes her damn bikini almost as often as she changes her men.

• And speaking of Lindsay's wardrobe choices, she seems to have ditched the Kate Moss look and adopted a new fashion idol. The billowing, shapeless drawstring romper, the torpedo nips, the questionable footwear, the long, chalky black hair and the latte in hand . . . it's Britney all over again.

• Brad Pitt's parents were offended when, at Maddox Jolie-Pitt's birthday party, the elder Pitts were "the only ones not drinking." Including the 4-year-olds?

• Get Saved by the Buns when Mario Lopez (A.C. Slater) gets naked and homoerotic for Nip/Tuck.

• That Eminem boy has playdate with the little Girl Next Door, acts out, gets sent to the corner for a time out.

• Paris Hilton has been cast in a movie called The Hottie and the Nottie but keeps giving the thumbs down to potential leading men. An insider says, "A few [actors] have made it to a screen test with Paris but either the producers aren't happy or, more often, Paris has a problem with them. She is as picky with the men in her movies as she is in real life." AKA "not at all".  

Jessica Alba says she lost a tooth while filming a sex scene with Dane Cook. We're guessing that the thing sacrificed itself just to escape Dane's whiny, frat-boy-tinged brand of "humor". Really, Jess is lucky something more serious didn't happen, like her arms detaching themselves from her torso or her internal organs crawling up through her throat and making a run for it.  

We've been on Kate Hudson's Kid's HairWatch for quite some months. The situation has gone from "Hey, Kate, your son's looking like he might feel more comfortable in a dress" to "Is that Sebastian Bach's daughter?" Exhibit A:

And we're guessing that little Ryder getting an ass kicking on the playground might be just a wee bit related to the state of his locks. At least three-year-old bullies have underdeveloped vocabularies and can't yet yell "Pansy!" with every punch.  

The impish, vehicular spirit of Joe Isuzu is not watching over Hollywood's B-list today. On-hiatus kiddie actor Haley Joel Osment was hospitalized this morning after crashing his 1995 Saturn in Los Angeles, and actor-slash-professional-Baldwin Daniel Baldwin is being held at the UCLA Medical Center under police custody after smashing his silver Thunderbird into a pair of parked cars. What's sadder--the fact that two beloved (we guess) "stars" were injured, or the fact that the guy who was in Vegas Vamps and an episode of Touched by an Angel can afford a decent Thunderbird, while the blockbustingly popular Osment, the Dakota Fanning of the late '90s, is forced to tool around town in a decade-old Saturn?  

There's a very good reason why Hollywood types keep themselves locked up in the VIP sections of exclusive clubs and multimillion-dollar homes in the Hills, only emerging for vital necessities like coke and non-fat, low-foam triple-shot buckywuckyccinos. They're just too beautiful to be seen by people who are used to being surrounded by three-hundred-pound Wal-Mart employees from Joliet who are in desperate need of some expensive dental work and VO5 hot oil. If Kate Hudson can cause a helicopter crash and Eva Longoria can bring down a photographer, just think what kind of destruction Angelina Jolie could cause if she was spotted in a bikini. Maybe that will be the catalyst for the world's ultimate destruction. People magazine's 50 Most Beautiful People will gather on a Malibu beach and hurricanes, tsunamis, earthquakes and the like will bring about our planet's end.  

If you are out of doors and find yourself within a 10 foot radius of Paris Hilton, please, do not make any sudden movements or use flash photography, or you may render her temporarily addled, causing her to hop into her magical flying car and riccochet off all neighboring vehicles, bumper car style.  

Everbody is saying that Britney Spears almost dropped her baby and is therefore a bad mother. We think she was just playing Sean's favorite game, Bump My Noggin on the Pavement. He learned it from his dad. Only Kevin usually doesn't realize they're playing a game when he stops bouncing Sean on his knee so he can roll another doob and the little tyke falls on his head. But Sean loves it and wants to play it over and over again.  

Fully fecund Gwen Stefani has broken her finger on a sewing machine. She will reportedly fall into a deep sleep, slumbering in a glass box in an enchanted forest for a hundred years until she's awoken by a prince's kiss.  

The nature of this blogging business, see, is that celebrities do dumb crap, and then we come on this thing and write a funny about it. But the real treat is when a story can stand on its own, without any help from the Statler and Waldorf that is CelebNewsWire. Without further ado, we give you Keith Richards Falls Out of Palm Tree and Bonks His Dome. Sit back and let that visual wash over you. Now that, gentle reader, is comedy.  

We're used to talking about Orlando Bloom and Kate Bosworth. We make jokes about his eunuchosity and her absolute lack of body fat. They break up for a week so he can go on a starlet-humping spree and she can consume her yearly intake of four lima beans, a head of iceberg lettuce, and one asparagus spear (her movements are slow due to lack of nutritive energy, so Orlando can usually fit in a Kirsten, a Sienna, and a few elfin LotR extras in the time it takes her to masticate). But today we're in totally foreign territory. Orlando almost killed a man. And not even a famous one. How exactly does one find humor in such a situation? Well, lucky for us Orlando's ego has reached Scientological proportions and he thinks that his autograph is payment enough for nearly causing a man's violent and bloody death.