Remember a week or so ago when we told you that Tomfat was too, well, fat to fit into his wedding tux? Luckily Giorgio Armani has some experience working with bingers and purgers and knows how to hide a few extra calories clinging to the hips: Slap a girdle on it and watch it waddle down the runway, hoping the seams can hold in the tide of blubber until the after party.  

• Kirsten Dunst's teatlets meet a lace-paneled dress, peekaboo nippage ensues. The pictures are old, but so are you, geezer.

• John Mayer and Jessica Simpson are together again, naturally. Even though they say they weren't together in the first place. But they are now. Probably. Eh.

• Well, we had the dubious honor of viewing the Screech sex tape yesterday. What can we say about it? He refers to himself in the third person, as "the D Man", he is more interested in the various edibles the ladies have around their hotel room than their vaginas, and the first 15 minutes consist of Dustin and his lady in a bubble bath, discussing the finer points of 24. Fleshbot has their own review. And screencaps.

• Agent Scully had a baby! And despite her insistence that the child was sired by boyfriend Clyde Klotz, her ex-husband Julian Ozanne is demanding a paternity test. So we can find out it's half-alien. And then Mulder will watch porn and there will be sexual tension, etc.

• Australian Holly Valance's nipple boomerangs out of her swimsuit. Crikey!

• Keira Knightley is engaged to her actor arm candy Rupert Friend. Can you imagine calling up your parents and saying, "Mom, Dad, I am going to be Mrs. Rupert Friend"? And then your parents would howl with laughter and say, "Sure, and I'm about to marry Nigel Sparkleshowers! Ahahahaha! His best man will be Cecil Rhys-Babybunnybottom! Hahahahaha!"

• Penelope Cruz half naked for Pirelli. Why are you still reading this?

• Janet Jackson has made whoopee on a plane. In her seat. Surrounded by passengers. And peanuts. And crying babies. And manhandled issues of Flight magazine. And the heady stench of impeding fiery death. Anyone else have a boner right now?

• Will Smith says that he and Jada are homeschooling their children, because history and dates aren't important, and anything of consequence you need to know, like for example how to fly a space shuttle, can be found in books. So if you see a couple of confused children wandering around Hollywood, scratching their asses and crying because they don't know how to find bus fare or talk to non-Cruises, but do know how to commandeer a submarine, they would be the Smith progeny.  

Well, it was a monumental weekend, folks.



That's right! You are correct. It WAS, indeed the annual Winter Dreamscape Ball at Tinsley Frank Senior High. It was truly a night to remember, as evidenced by this beautiful portrait of the couple crowned Prince and Princess Snowflake, snapped right before their official dance to "I Still Believe" by Brenda K. Starr!  

Tom Cruise's transformation into John Revolta is just about complete. Unflagging, career-threatening devotion to Xenu? Check. A hot actress wife with early career nudity? Check. A solid layer of insulating yet female-fan-repelling fat? Check. Keeping those icky ladies away may be a plus, but popping buttons and bursting seams during your wedding ceremony is most definitely a minus.  

• Oprah was not invited to Tom and K-Hole's wedding, but she is trying to figure out what to send them as a gift. Duh! A couch.

• Bigger news than Santa arriving at the lighting of the Macy's Christmas tree: Victoria's Secret supermodels getting on their boob-shaped spacecraft and arriving on Earth after their long journey from Planet Jiggle.

• Madonna wants to buy another baby as soon as possible. Perhaps it will be a Christmas gift for the other one.

• Sure, Vida Guerra has a gargantuan tail. But did you know that she has boobs, too?

• Nicole Richie has responded to PageSix's insinuation that SOMEONE had reverse gastric bypass in her MySpace blog. The lady doth protest too much.

• Is Kirsten Dunst sinking her vampiric meth mouth baby teeth into rodentlike eunuch Orlando Bloom? And will their hypothetical babies be weaselly nutless bloodsuckers?

• Paris Hilton's ass looks less flapjacky from the back. But don't they all, really? When it comes right down to it, aren't they all less flapjacky from the back? Deep.

• Jenny Love Hewitt might be all chaste and crap, but she will still wear a small strip of fabric nestled lovingly betwixt her buttocks.

• Lesbian Week continues: Joan Jett and Carmen Electra love rock n' roll. Joan mighta put another dime in Carmen's juicebox, baby.

• No, as a matter of fact, we haven't actually seen Ron Jeremy and Super Mario in the same room together. Luigi, though, sure.  

Katie Holmes shelled out $3000 on sexy lingerie for her wedding day and night. Riiight. Sorry, Katie, but owning some hot underthings isn't enough to convince us that Tom has any plans to caress your sensitive bits with anything other than a turkey baster. To make us believers, we'd have to witness actual penis-to-vagina contact, live and in person, from a distance of no more than five feet, with the assurance that David Copperfield and his magical mind-altering capabilities were vacationing in the south of France.  

On most days pictures of a re-hotted Britney Spears letting Jayden's favorite hobby (i.e. her breasts) hang halfway out of her dress would be big f-ing news and we wouldn't need to say another word about our favorite poptart. But today isn't just any day. It's the day of all hope and glory and regained wanking possibilities. Britney lost an unsightly layer of blubber surrounding her once-worshiped physique, and she also lost that big pile of donkey shit she's been carting around and covering in diamonds for two years. So today we have two Britney stories. After the jump, sex tape, fake wedding, possible fake divorce. Oh holy day!  

Like the Roman Empire, Mama's Family, and Britney Spears's boinkability, all good things must eventually end. And so we come to the end of one of the world's most cherished and heartwarming friendships: Katie Holmes and Victoria Beckham have uttered a mutual "screw that bitch" and broken off their shopping-centered coalition. And the world weeps.  

Remember the other day when we said that Kate Moss was going to produce the world's first 95% cocaine baby? Well, we were wrong. It'll be more like 85% cocaine, 10% champagne.

 

Sometimes it seems like celebrities are only aware of about fourteen locations on the face of the earth. Hyde is one, of course, then there's that really sketchy house in The Valley that's a pain in the ass to get to but always has the best drugs. Once in a while a celeb like Angelina Jolie or Madonna gets uppity and flees to Africa or Cambodia, but that's just temporary, before they return to the Chateau Marmont. And of course there's George Clooney's Italian villa. Anyone who's everyone (including now Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes) has almost gotten married there. But, see, famous people have very little follow-through, so usually they just give up and make some babies instead of actually getting hitched and say, unh, maybe next year.  

Scary Spice is pregnant with Eddie Murphy's (eighth!) child. We think we've figured out The Spice Girls' evil plan: to take the pop world by storm in fifteen to twenty years with Spice Kids. It'll be just like The Osmond Boys, only with five scary stage moms instead of just Marie. Look for offspring from Sporty and Baby, TK fall '07.  

• Andy Dick chalks up the fact that people call him gay to everyone being jealous of him, and not him having sex with men.

• Kate Beckinsale says she'll never get plastic surgery. Despite the fact that her boobs were named the Ugliest in Hollywood.

• Madonna probably adopted a baby, for real this time, though. Toting around an African baby is the new Birkin bag!

• George Clooney says he'll never run for president because he's boffed too many ladies. Insert Clinton joke here, please.

• Amber Tamblyn's nip is Tumblyn out of her dress.

• Et tu, Rose McGowan?

• Finally, Johnny Depp to make an honest woman out of Vanessa Paradis! Hopefully she'll be able to get on his dental plan now.

• Lindsay Lohan says, "It's up to me and my mom to decide if I am partying too much." Ah, yes, nothing like that tender moment between mother and daughter, when Mom gently strokes Daughter's hair and says, "Beer BEFORE liquor, sweetheart. And coke before ecstasy. And Red Bull before semen."

• Dr. McDreamy gets McCreamed by McCastmate. We promise that's the only time you'll ever have to read the name "McDreamy" on these pages.

 

According to most reports, Anna Nicole Smith married her slippery, slippery lawyer/self-proclaimed impregnator Howard K. Stern in the Bahamas yesterday, resplendent in a pink bikini. However, today her publicist released a colorful statement in which she asserts that the curious pair did not, in fact, marry; they simply had a "commitment ceremony". Sadly, this was not what we had in mind when we suggested that Anna and Howard needed to be committed.  

Despite her creativity in the you-put-yer-coke-in-it department, Kate Moss has not exactly proven herself to be of Mensa-quality intellect. Her genital-sharing judgment is proof of that. Now word has it that Kate wants to marry newly rehab-free Pete Doherty and move with him to New Jersey. Maybe she'll start a new famous-people trend. J.Lo and Skeletor will relocate to Joliet; Brad and Ang will make their home in Toledo. Before long every town with a looming steel-mill smoke stack will be lousy with paparazzi and Us Weekly reporters.  

• Janet Jackson says that her sex life was great when she was fat, and that her Ewok lover Jermaine Dupri would "grab me, pull me around the stomach, look me in the eyes and say, 'This needs love too!'" And then he'd gently insert his penis into her stomach folds.

• Britney Spears reportedly had a tummy tuck following the birth of SPFsquared. Slowly inching closer and closer to Tara Reid territory (Taratory?).

• Little Aaron Carter is engaged! To a Playboy Playmate! Presumeably, his pneumatic bride-to-be has seen AARON CARTER SHIRTLESS.

• Safely ogle Kelly Brook in her underwear from the comfort of your own home, free from fear of retaliation at the hands of your friend Billy Zane.

• Lindsay Lohan is looking to move to England, most likely because the English are the only people who can drink her under the table.

• Jackass Steve-O tells us, in great detail, about the time he masturbated onto Nicole Richie's back. And then her semi-exposed spinal column recognized the protein content of the expelled liquid and, revolted at the idea of nourishment, quickly whipped the offending substance away from Richie's person.

• Courtney Love and Whitney Houston: not only are they recovering substance abusers, they both have names that end in -tney! BFFs!

• Paris takes advantage of Lindsay Lohan's absence; flirts with Harry Morton. When the exposed pussy lips are away, the skank will play.

• Asia Argento turns 31 today, and celebrates by picking G-string bikini bottoms out of her anus. Mazel tov!  

Lindsay Lohan is one busy beaver lately, and we're not just talking about all that gash she's been flashing. Today must be official Lindsay saturation day, as she's coming at us from all sides. She's secretly married! No, she and Harry are broken up! She finally wears panties! But she forgets her pants! And Jane Fonda wants to cradle Lindsay in her nurturing bosom until Lindsay can learn to be a freakin' grown-up already.  

• "Eva Longoria Loves Facials". Yep, that sounds about right.

• My Gwen Stefani doll can beat up your Peaches N' Cream Barbie.

• Still no word on whether or not Lohan is engaged to Harry "Pink Taco" Morton, but she's sporting an '80s-style pear-cut diamond that Alexis Carrington herself would find distasteful.

• Kelly Clarkson was embarrassed to learn that she owned the same pink convertible as a porn star. The fact that she actually owns a pink convertible is much more embarrassing, however.

• Brittany Murphy exits club, gets propositioned for some tuna taco tangoing, signs autographs, lets us look down her shirt. Now that's multitasking.

• Eva Mendes's bare ass in Flaunt magazine. You heard us. That's right. Believe it. Flaunt magazine! Seriously!

• Kate Bosworth and Orlando Bloom broke up. Again. If a walking Chupa Chups lollipop and a crustachioed eunuch can't make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us?

• An idea we wish we'd thought of: Gossip Blog Wars.

• Kate Moss + underwear = server crash. Way to get your kit off, bird! Pip pip! Tut tut! Tally ho! Cheerio!  

Rumor has it that Hard Rock Cafe/Pink Taco crown prince Harry Morton recently visited Cartier to purchase an engagement ring for his oft-intoxicated inamorata, Lindsay Lohan.



Forgoing getting down on one knee and placing the ring on her trembling, outstretched finger, or the ever popular "surprising your best gal with a ring in a champagne glass," Harry instead chose to hide the bauble inside his love's rectum. Forget skywriting--nothing says "Will you marry me?" like a ring up the kazoo!  

• Brittany Murphy has ended her engagement to best boy/grip Joe Macaluso. Brittany, do you actually think you're going to be able to do better? He's the BEST boy, for Christ's sake!

• "Kevin Federline mauled by rap community." God, if only that headline were literal.

• Janet Jackson says that fiancé Jermaine Dupri sexually takes her to places she's never been before. Oh, like the Ewok Village? Get it? Cuz he's short.

• Proving you can never have too much of a good thing: even more pictures of the expansive side of Lindsay Lohan's enormous, speckled breast.

• And Lindsay's dad is quite the little Jim Davis, taking pen to paper and cartooning the demons pulling his daughter from his fatherly embrace. Impressive, but we would have drawn Lindsay crying "ACK!" and holding a bikini on a hanger to illustrate her body-image issues.

• A devious, scrawny mammal that steals sneakily, and Kevin Federline. One and the same, friends, but which one has more facial hair?

• Britney angrily refused to allow Jessica Simpson to kiss her pregnant belly, which is the first smart thing Britney's done, child-rearing-wise. Perhaps she didn't want to risk having her fetus get poisoned by toxic, cupcake-scented plumping gloss.

• Beyonce and Jay-Z are planning a $3 million wedding. Bet the courtesy gift bag will be fabulous!

• Jessica Simpson is now hawking hairpieces. What is she, a Mandrell?  

• Suri No Middle Name Cruise pictures might finally appear soon . . . in Vanity Fair! Hopefully on the cover, wrapped in swaddling clothes, using Scarlett Johansson's ass crack as a manger.

• Bryce Dallas Howard is baking up a big batch of baby.

• Kate Bosworth ate! Ate cigarettes, water, and lettuce. Baby steps, people.

• Pam from The Office becomes Pam from The Duff-ass.

• When Janet Jackson wants her water cold, she wants her water cold, dammit. Also, yes, she did feel that pea placed under her 12 mattresses last night.

• Newly-separated Dave Navarro is dating newly-separated Jenna Jameson. And she's now #1 on his MySpace Top 8, so you know it's love.

• Jen and Vince: engaged! Whhheeeeeeee! Yayyyyy! Whoooo! Who gives a crap! All riiiiight!

• Robin Williams is in rehab. Body hair rehab, we hope.

• Sienna Miller dons dirty pink cowboy boots, a wedding dress, a red Cleopatra wig, and an exposed upskirt cotton panty look. Indeed, she is truly the fashion icon of our time.  

Although Pam Anderson and her handsome talented intelligent charming dirty-blonde husband Kid Rock have only been married a scant week or so, they work fast. She recently revealed that she might already be roasting up baby w.t. royalty in her sexy, sexy womb. Thank God for that--Baby Federspears 2 will need someone to mate with in thirteen years.  

Jennifer Aniston has called off the wedding we didn't know she was having. Is it possible that she was once again the victim of the second-biggest Hollywood dick affliction (after Syphilis): co-star cheating? That must be it. Vince Vaughn had an affair with the co-star of his latest movie, Jennifer Aniston. Wait, WTF?  

• K-Fed and Britney want to launch a non-false tabloid Magazine of Truth that doesn't tell any lies or nasty rumors or fun stuff about celebrities. Sorry to piss in your lemonade, but that already exists. It's called People.

• Jessica Simpson's mother does not agree with Papa Joe's willingness to pimp her out. Jessica responds by donning a semi-sheer dress. Nations rejoice, war and poverty and crime end.

• Heath Ledger: what a joker.

• Most actresses like to don an expensive, tasteful, and stunning designer gown to their post-wedding reception. Pam Anderson wears a skipper hat, a $12.99 bikini from Fashion Bug, and naked nipples.

• In some circles, Tom Cruise's crotch is known as The Punisher. Poor Katie Holmes has certainly suffered enough as a result of it.

• And is Tom about to ensnare K-Hole as his legal baby-baking concubine? If oversized planters and outdoor chandeliers are any indication of a Scientological spirit-uniting ceremony (and they certainly should be), then yes.

• What's more entertaining than a Mel Gibson mugshot? Pictures of Mel Gibson, well into his cups, manhandling strange women mere hours before said mugshot.

• Would you like to see Lindsay Lohan's box? Oh, wait, we meant "Lindsay Lohan boxing". So sorry.

• Speaking of Lohan, and nipples, and transparent apparel: Lindsay aped Jessica and ponied up some vague nip. Or did Jessica ape Lindsay? No matter--we're all winners here.  

And while we're on the topic of boulder-like man-made titties, Pam Anderson is getting married. We're sure the four of them will be very happy together.  

Hi bois and grrrls. I don't know if you heard, but I got married this weekend. Yea me! That means I'm totally not a little girl anymore. Everyone has to treat me like an old married lady. But I still wanted to look young and fresh and pretty for my big day, so I borrowed these teeth from Hilary Duff. I hope you like them.
Kisses,
Avril  

You know how sometimes you go to a movie and it's about an hour and twenty minutes in and you're all wrapped up in watching Wesley Snipes or whoever blow shit up and Matt Damon's about to get the girl but he doesn't know she's a cyborg programmed to blow up the Pentagon and you're full-on in suspension of disbelief mode and you don't even care that you just touched your face with your fingers that have been marinating in semi-viscous popcorn pomade and the zits are brewing and then, THEN, about two rows over, you hear the familiar tinny Nokia melody and the telltale glow of some chucklefuck answering his phone and saying, "Hey, what's up. I'm in a movie. Yeah, it's pretty good. I dunno. I might be hanging out later. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Blah blah blah blah I'm a d-bag blah"? And you think to yourself, "If there is any justice in this crazy, topsy-turvy world, that guy will die alone. Who, in good conscience, would ever love such a fully reprehensible creature?"

As it turns out, we have the answer to that question: Marcia Cross.  

After their marriage, Nicole Kidman and her new husband, crooning outback troubadour Keith Urban, jetted to a remote, staggeringly expensive, extremely private resort on the island of Bora Bora. Picture it: You're arguably the world's most famous actress, you've just pulled of a smooth wedding, you're heading to a tropical locale away from the prying eyes of the public, you've hired a team of jet-skiing bodyguards to patrol the area, and you're met with . . . the infamous Eva Longoria, staying mere steps from your private cabin, banging gongs and knocking on your door asking to borrow a cup of sugar and offering you marital aids from her vast private stash.  

For the past week or two all we heard about was the impending wedding of Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban. And we really didn't care. So what's changed now that they have officially become international superstar and househusband? Nothing really, but as that was really the only thing that happened over the weekend, we thought we'd suck it up for you, our wedding-obsessed wrapped-up-in-lace-with-a-bow-on-top super gay readers. Oh wait, our readers are pervy dirty old men who like to look at twenty-year-old celebrity nipples. Well, fuck, it's too late to find a new story now.  

• Heidi Klum impregnated by Seal; expecting another flipper baby.

• Posh Spice to become godmother to Ginger Spice's baby daughter, Bluebell Spice. That's nice. When Bluebell needs advice on bulimia, tanning beds, and how to be a good trophy wife, she'll have a wealth of information at her fingertips.

• Yet MORE Toni Braxton nipples. You can put those things away now, honey.

• Nicole Kidman sends a case of beer to the paparazzi. We assume the reason for this was so that they wouldn't notice that her face has been freshly pulled, drawn up and over the back of her skull, and tacked into place for her upcoming nuptials.

• Robert Evans divorcing. Seventh time ain't the charm, apparently.

• Tera Patrick pics from FHM magazine. Which must stand for Fricking Humpable Mams.

• SNL's Andy Samberg gets Dunsted!

• Jen Love Hewitt's hugetits strapped in by nothing but a flimsy . . . Yoko Ono shirt?

• Michelle Rodriguez dreams of a relationship with Colin Farrell, but sadly, it can never be. Because he's not a girl.  

If you're Denise Richards and you desperately--desperately--want the media to leave you alone and let you live your more-dramatic-than-a-day-in-Port-Charles life, what do you do? Pack up the kids and hide out at a luxury spa in Saskatchewan? Or get engaged to your also-still-legally-married boyfriend and then dress up like a transvestite hooker and prance around a Las Vegas stage with other similarly-clad "women"? We're gonna have to go with the latter.