During a recent performance (following that Jay-Z offering we just told you about) Paris Hilton puked while on stage. And, no, that's not a euphemism for her vocal abilities.  

Is Lindsay Lohan simply over-the-moon at not having one vodka-and-red-bull or dipping into her emergency vial in a whopping ninety days, or is she just fucking with us? We may never know, unless she starts sporting a second chip that proclaims "Ninety Days Celibate." Then we'll definitely know she's fucking with us.  

After a recent, boozulous night out, Avril Lavigne could be found in the back of her car, furiously texting:

C MY UND-E'S



Well, yes.  

Remember the other day when we said that Kate Moss was going to produce the world's first 95% cocaine baby? Well, we were wrong. It'll be more like 85% cocaine, 10% champagne.

 

Tara Reid had plastic surgery! And it was bad! This and other shockers (such as Teri Hatcher picks up her dry cleaning--but there's still a stain on her favorite blouse!) in the upcoming issue of Us Weekly.  

Our love for The Hoff used to be deep and seemingly untouchable. But in recent months he has become almost like a caricature of himself. Sometimes it's difficult to discern whether we're seeing the actual David Hasselhoff or a Saturday Night Live skit with Alec Baldwin standing in for the Knight Rider. We think Alec's been pretty busy lately pissing off anyone he's ever met, so we're going to have to believe that was indeed The Hoff in an assumedly drunken appearance on British TV.  

You thought you had it so good living next door to that old hippie dude who grows weed in his basement and is really friendly and likes to bake up a huge batch of pot brownies every week and share them with the whole neighborhood. But if you were Scarlett Johansson's neighbor, you might wake up in the middle of the night to find her drunkenly wandering around your kitchen searching for munchies. We'll wait here while you consult with your real estate agent.  

By now you know that Paris Hilton was arrested last night for drunk driving. And you might have also heard her gossip sympathizers pulling out the normal lame-ass excuses. She only had one drink. Her house was like four minutes away. Her blood alcohol level was almost legal. The paparazzi flashbulbs are impregnated with tequila that soaks into Paris's skin with every snap and her drunkenness is totally their fault. Sure, Paris. That's like a hooker getting arrested mid-beej and saying, "But officer, I only charged five dollars and he was really, really begging for it. I couldn't help myself."  

• Matthew Broderick appears to have injured himself after falling off his wife.

• J. Lo es no preggo. "She is 100% not pregnant," says a rep, however, she is still 93% annoying.

• Tara Reid getting cockblocked from Hyde while Paris breezes right in = funny. The fact that the hottest club catering to young Hollywood is ironically blasting Kenny Loggins's "Footloose" = funnier.

• Lindsay Lohan changes her damn bikini almost as often as she changes her men.

• And speaking of Lindsay's wardrobe choices, she seems to have ditched the Kate Moss look and adopted a new fashion idol. The billowing, shapeless drawstring romper, the torpedo nips, the questionable footwear, the long, chalky black hair and the latte in hand . . . it's Britney all over again.

• Brad Pitt's parents were offended when, at Maddox Jolie-Pitt's birthday party, the elder Pitts were "the only ones not drinking." Including the 4-year-olds?

• Get Saved by the Buns when Mario Lopez (A.C. Slater) gets naked and homoerotic for Nip/Tuck.

• That Eminem boy has playdate with the little Girl Next Door, acts out, gets sent to the corner for a time out.

• Paris Hilton has been cast in a movie called The Hottie and the Nottie but keeps giving the thumbs down to potential leading men. An insider says, "A few [actors] have made it to a screen test with Paris but either the producers aren't happy or, more often, Paris has a problem with them. She is as picky with the men in her movies as she is in real life." AKA "not at all".  

In a desperate plea to link her image to that of a (once) respected and accomplished singer, Lindsay Lohan had pictures taken of herself surrounded by (possibly) drugs, booze, and her own filth. We already knew that "Confessions of a Broken Heart" was no "I Wanna Dance with Somebody" and Just My Luck was no Bodyguard, but we're a little disappointed that Lindz failed to reach Whitney-like levels of fucking up her personal life. She could have at least thrown in a splattering of her own vomit for a touch more street cred. Next time, Lindsay, next time.  

• Who wears short shorts? Jessica Simpson wears short shorts. Heyyyyy. Nice mons pubis.

• Given the choice, Nick Lachey would rather be stuck on a desert island with Satan than with his supremely vile former father-in-law, Papa Joe Simpson. That makes 6 billion of us, Nick.

• Kate Moss might as well face that she's addicted to Pete Doherty. She wishes she knew how to quit him. Brokecrack Mountain?

• Another Doherty--Shannen--angrily hung up on a Newsweek reporter after being asked about her fiery, Naomi-Campbell-like, fired-from-Spelling-shows days. God, you run over a boyfriend 15 years ago and you never hear the end of it!

• "Christina Milian" kind of rhymes with "this tiny little thong". Sorta.

• The divorce gets ugly: Travis Barker questions his estranged wife Shanna Moakler's parenting skills, booze intake, nail salon visits, and open-door vagina policy . . . on his MySpace blog! We can't wait until she hits back with a string of vitriolic friend comments and some extra-hot profile pics taken in the bathroom mirror.

• Keith Urban, pre-tooth job looks an awful lot like Limahl of Kajagoogoo fame.

• Note to Nicole Richie: when size 000 bikini bottoms start to look like droopy adult sumo diapers, it might be time to try a cruller or something.

• One, two, princes kneel before you/thats what I said, now/princes, princes who adore you/just go ahead, now/William has a cosmo in his hand/that sounds great, now/Harry said he wants to honk your mam, now/aint in his head, now.  

• As a half-Jew, Rob Schneider refuses to ever work with Mel Gibson. Braveheart 2 just got 54% less zany!

• Ever seen pink pee before? No? Ever seen Pink pee before? Also no? Well, here ya go.

• Carmen Electra and Shannon Elizabeth are pals. If C-list hangs with D-list, does that elevate them to B-list?

• If you posess fashion experience and much love for checkered bondage pants, you can work for Gwen Stefani and her L.A.M.B. label. Just email skagirl.com. Skagirl . . . we think we cybered with her in the AOL Skankin' Pickle room in 1994.

• Melanie Griffith takes the Cruddiest Mom of the Year crown from Dina Lohan when she lights her teenage daughter Dakota's cigarette.

• Cindy Crawford plus stripper pole plus mojitos minus bra equals summer fun for the whole family.

• Al Reynolds dons spandex; gets late-night booty call from large man in bucket hat.

• In case you were wondering who, on God's green Earth, would admire the jauntily shoddy designs of Charlie Sheen's ill-timed kidswear company, Sheen Kidz, the answer is: Britney. Naturally.

• Penelope Cruz is the first non-Scientologist to step forth and claim that Suri No Middle Name Cruise exists.

• Is David Geffen getting Stiflered?  

After patching up our tinfoil hats, storing our children safely in a well, and duct-taping pillows to our person, we have emerged from our hastily assembled Celebrity Scandal Shelter to assess the Mel Gibson Drunkgate fallout. We weren't surprised to learn that he'd been charged with misdemeanor drunk driving, but finding out that in addition to blaming the Jewish population for the world's problems, he has, in the past, made several inflammatory comments about gay men, stating that not only do they engage in anal sex, but the aforementioned anus is used to eliminate solid waste from the body. Sacre bleu!  

• K-Fed and Britney want to launch a non-false tabloid Magazine of Truth that doesn't tell any lies or nasty rumors or fun stuff about celebrities. Sorry to piss in your lemonade, but that already exists. It's called People.

• Jessica Simpson's mother does not agree with Papa Joe's willingness to pimp her out. Jessica responds by donning a semi-sheer dress. Nations rejoice, war and poverty and crime end.

• Heath Ledger: what a joker.

• Most actresses like to don an expensive, tasteful, and stunning designer gown to their post-wedding reception. Pam Anderson wears a skipper hat, a $12.99 bikini from Fashion Bug, and naked nipples.

• In some circles, Tom Cruise's crotch is known as The Punisher. Poor Katie Holmes has certainly suffered enough as a result of it.

• And is Tom about to ensnare K-Hole as his legal baby-baking concubine? If oversized planters and outdoor chandeliers are any indication of a Scientological spirit-uniting ceremony (and they certainly should be), then yes.

• What's more entertaining than a Mel Gibson mugshot? Pictures of Mel Gibson, well into his cups, manhandling strange women mere hours before said mugshot.

• Would you like to see Lindsay Lohan's box? Oh, wait, we meant "Lindsay Lohan boxing". So sorry.

• Speaking of Lohan, and nipples, and transparent apparel: Lindsay aped Jessica and ponied up some vague nip. Or did Jessica ape Lindsay? No matter--we're all winners here.  

Over the weekend, Pam Anderson married Kid Rock, Lindsay Lohan threw caution to the wind and defiantly stepped out on the town, but Mel Gibson has them all beat: tossing back enough liquor to immobilize a hippo, drunk driving (possibly in a bid to off himself), getting arrested, spewing anti-Semitic slurs and sexually harassing female police officers, and then, humbled, checking his ass into rehab. You might say he was in high spirits. Bwahahaha! "Spirits!" Hahaha! Cuz . . . cuz he was . . . drunk . . . oh, never mind.