See Kim Cattrall.



See Kim's Cat, y'all!

After the cunt.  

You thought it was odd when your parents said they were so proud of you after you rode the school bus by yourself. You thought it was stranger yet when they proclaimed their pride after you fouled up your lines in your church's Christmas pageant and said, "Unto you a child is burned!" But Paris Hilton's got you beat--nothing makes Rick and Kathy Hilton beam with pride quite like their eldest daughter's X-rated undercover sex video.  

Our second Posh Spice story in as many days! We truly are obsessed. Today, she's making headlines due to the outrageous, Mariah Carey-like list of demands she and husband David gave to a London hotel to ensure that their stay was a comfortable one. Your hotel requirements might be: towels, a working toilet, decent water pressure, and sheets with the minimal amount of bodily fluid on them. Posh's are much different.  

Jack "progeny of Ozzy" Osbourne recently revealed in his new autobiography that he once kissed friend, supermodel, and fellow class A drug gourmand Kate Moss, saying, "it just felt just right." Her crackulous paramour, Pete Doherty, is taking umbrage at the claim. Apparently the world thinking Kate Moss once gave an innocent kiss to a dorky teen is unacceptable, while the world thinking Kate Moss is having full-on genital-to-genital contact with a cartoon version of a cartoon version of a cartoon version of Keith Richards is A-OK!  

• Following her guest-starring role as lottery winner Dawn Budge on Nip/Tuck, Rosie O'Donell will be doing a spinoff series. A Dawn Budge spinoff but no Riding the Bus with My Sister spinoff? God, the injustice in this world.

• We can see right through Mischa Barton.

• And after that, she pokes out our eyeballs so that we might never see again.

• Lance and Matt: forever putting the "ghey" in "McConaughey"!

• Ellen Barkin would like you to know that she has fucked George Clooney. Big deal. Join the club.

• Kelly Brook's underwear can be yours. In fact, Kelly Brook's underwear can be anybody's now.

• Suzanne Somers wrote a new book about hormone replacement therapy being the fountain of youth. Before you go clamoring to pick up a copy and a side of progesterone, have a gander at the results. Sweet fancy Moses on a cracker!

• Whitney Houston is legally extricating herself from Bobby Brown. Hopefully she'll get custody of a better weave. Oh yeah! We went there! That's right!

• Heather Mills is alleging that Paul McCartney roughed her up during their marriage. Oh, please. That's like saying you got roofied by Cat Stevens. Paul McCartney? Macca? Seriously? The worst we can picture is him smoking a laced doob and giving a half-hearted slap with some organic radishes or something.

• The wrestlers of the WWE had their way with Kevin Federline the other night. And while the pictures of K-Fed getting body-slammed in the ring are pleasant enough, we can't help but yearn for the quality WWF days of our youth and wish that Junkyard Dog and the Iron Sheik would join forces to tag-team Federline, while Lou Albano shot rubber bands from the sidelines and afterwards, Rowdy Roddy Piper would make a man out of K-Fed during a Backlot Brawl.  

My Best Friend's Wedding star, openly homosexual actor Rupert Everett, has just released his autobiography, Red Carpet and Other Banana Skins. In addition to dishing about costars Julia Roberts ("skittish") and Sharon Stone ("unhinged"), Rupe reveals that he's shooting blanks due to baldness meds. He says,

"I don't have any sperm left. If I stop taking the pills, all my hair will fall out, but I would rather have hair than sperm."

But what happens at Christmas when his lover sells their antique brass baby bassinet to buy Rupert a beautiful ivory comb for his luscious locks, while Rupert goes off his Propecia to get enough sperm to produce a baby with a surrogate? Thus concludes this episode of Gay O. Henry dinner theater.  

Quick, name three things that could have garnered Paris Hilton a spot in the Guinness Book of World Records. GO! 1) The most documented lip slips in history, 2) The most distance gotten out of an asinine catchphrase (That's hot, knocking What you talkin' 'bout, Willis to second place), or 3) The widest vagina ever measured. No? All wrong? She was named the Most Overrated Person? Yeah, that sounds about right.  

Do you like pornographic magazines? Do you like fun? Do you know how to read? Then boy, have we got a tome for you! Allan MacDonell's Prisoner of X: 20 Years in the Hole at Hustler Magazine is full of sex, drugs, Larry Flynt, penis scabs in a soft drink, and Jane Fonda wearing a strap-on dildo. Fleshbot links us with several brand monkey-spankin' new interviews with the esteemed author. We suggest you read them, buy the book, and bring it on your summer vacation in lieu of your usual beach fare. It's got all the sex of a Judith Krantz, and thrice the dirty words of a Crichton! You can't lose!  

Lindsay Lohan is so keen to stab her kiddie actress image right in the guts that she's not only starring in Georgia Rule, which has a beej scene, but she's performing said scene sans underwear and gearing up to publish a book of scantily clad photos. Seeing how Lindsay hasn't really been viewed as a "child actor" in, oh, seven years or so, maybe she should be more intent on losing her present image: indiscriminate hussy.  

There is no rest for Eva Longoria! Desperate Housewives may be on haitus for the summer, but she's keeping busy writing her first book, which she calls an "erotic novel." Far be it from us to question self-obsessed television starlets' intelligence or wordpower, but it can be safely assumed that her book will read like Captain Underpants with more fellatio.  

A nursing student friend of ours once told us that the reason one feels sick to one's stomach the night after a heavy bender is because the alcoholic residue forms a thick, mucusy miasma in one's stomach, and the only way to relieve the nausea is by vomiting up the vile sewage. We're assuming a good portion of our readers are suffering from this malady as we speak, and we're here to help! After the cut, an update of a story we brought you last month, about a bygone sex tape depicting Ted Turner getting hammered in the stoolbox by a dildo-donning Jane Fonda. See? You're dry heaving already. Ahhh, better. Right?  

And speaking of spelunking the groinage of half of Hollywood, a new book is being released about Barbra Streisand. It's called Barbra: The Way She Is, penned by Christopher Anderson. And apparently, the way she is is pretty trampy.  

She's Fonda threesomes, and she'll Turner him over to administer a hearty rogering. Last names gain new hilarity as author Allan MacDonell, in his new book Prisoner of X, writes of viewing a sex tape involving Jane Fonda, then-husband Ted Turner, a random woman, and a strap-on.  

If you had a teenage daughter, who would you want her to turn to for sex advice: her school guidance counselor, Sue Johanson, or Kim Cattrall? Surely it would be the woman who went through about five hundred sexual partners during the six-year run of Sex and the City.  

A new biography of Marlon Brando is about to cause more ripples than, well, Marlon Brando in a swimming pool, because it features a photo of the acting legend enjoying a bit of the beej with another dude. Did you like our "Marlon Brando is fat" joke? Bet you've never heard one of those before. God! We are so terrifically innovative!  

• Posh Spice teaches us how to dress for seduction. Is the secret tan-in-a-can, fake lips like a couple of BMX tires, and robohooters? Because we're one step ahead of you, Posh.

• Posh is also planning on writing a children's book. Just as soon as she learns how to write.

• There are never enough headlines that include the words "Kate Beckinsale" and "ass".

• Wow. Sienna Miller's doing a really, really, really, really bad job of channeling Edie Sedgwick. Really bad.

• Eva Longoria and Jamie Foxx, also known as the two most irritatingly overrated stars in the cosmos, might have hooked up. Good. Maybe they'll fall in love and go live in the bottom of the sea somewhere.

• Drew Barrymore and her huge snoobs are awesome. Don't hate. Congratulate.

• Brad and Angelina's golden fetus says, "Does this ultrasound make me look fat?"

• You know it's a slow gossip day when this is the headline of the day.

• William Shatner's nugget of crystallized urine builds houses for the underprivileged. Yeah, you heard us.

• Howard Stern admits to having a little plastic surgery. We thought his tits were looking particularly fabulous lately.  

It's funny how every time Kim Cattrall opens her mouth, little pearls of trampiness tumble forth. She's seemingly unaware that there are other subjects out there upon which one might weigh in. Recently, she waxed poetic about the joys of rubbing the bacon with barely legal boys. We can't believe they actually allowed this woman on the set of Baby Geniuses.  

Hugh Grant thinks that playing jokes on your cancer-ridden mother is funnier than watching Jessica Simpson trying to act. Oh, and he’s a bad tipper. That lovable cad!  

We haven’t quite finished our third cup of coffee yet, and people keep on asking us if we’ve got a case of the Mondays, which really pisses us off. But we probably do look a little sad and confused this morning, as we just learned that Madonna probably didn’t actually write her children’s books. Next thing you know somebody’s gonna tell us that she didn’t do her own Vogue-ing. That would be a travesty.  

Charity is cool. Giving is cool. Not just because such a thing offers a chance for us all to feel warm n' fuzzy and/or superior when we fork over some dough to help people, and not just because of those nifty tax deductions, but because very nice-looking famous ladies often get naked in the name of charity.  

Michael Smith, a disgruntled 54-year-old Vietnam vet, waited in line for 90 minutes yesterday in Kansas City, MO, at a book signing for Jane Fonda's bestselling biography, My Life So Far, for the sole purpose of spattering her with his tobacco-flecked spit. Way to steal our thunder, Smith! We were planning on hawking a loogie on Barbarella too, but not because of the Vietnam War--we just automatically hate anyone who had anything to do with Leonard Part 6.  

Jane Fonda's people are now denying yesterday's reports that the she participated in threesomes with ex-husband Roger Vadim and other broads. OK, so do they mean that she was never in threesomes at all? Or that maybe the threesomes consisted of her, Vadim, and several women? Or maybe it was Jane and Vadim and a woman and a ring-tailed lemur? Or maybe Vadim wasn't there at all, maybe it was Jane and seventeen double-jointed Brazilian swimsuit models? What?  

In case you didn’t already know this, kids are fucking stupid. Don’t give them ideas for stupid things to do, because they will do them, à la Jackass and pro wrestling. J.K. Rowling forgot this fact when she was writing the Harry Potter books, and now raptorial hell is breaking loose. “Mommmmy, Harry Potter has a pet owl, I want one! Wah, wah, wah.”