We better watch our backs and our Moveable Type--Nicole Richie is getting into the gossip game. More specifically, she is getting into the blind item game, as evidenced by this little number she penned and left on her MySpace blog:

What 35 year old raisin face whispers her order of 3 peices of asparagus for dinner at Chateau everynight, and hides her deathly disorder by pointing the finger at me, and used her last paycheck I wrote her to pay for a publisist instead of a nutritionist? HINT: Her nickname is lettucecup...

While it doesn't assault the eyes and mind with the verbal gymnastics of a Ted Casablancas, this ain't a bad first effort, especially "raisin face" and "lettucecup". But if we were Nicole, we would have taken--nay, relished--the opportunity to write "74-year-old" instead of "35", or whatever Ms. Zoe's true age might actually be.  

• Oprah was not invited to Tom and K-Hole's wedding, but she is trying to figure out what to send them as a gift. Duh! A couch.

• Bigger news than Santa arriving at the lighting of the Macy's Christmas tree: Victoria's Secret supermodels getting on their boob-shaped spacecraft and arriving on Earth after their long journey from Planet Jiggle.

• Madonna wants to buy another baby as soon as possible. Perhaps it will be a Christmas gift for the other one.

• Sure, Vida Guerra has a gargantuan tail. But did you know that she has boobs, too?

• Nicole Richie has responded to PageSix's insinuation that SOMEONE had reverse gastric bypass in her MySpace blog. The lady doth protest too much.

• Is Kirsten Dunst sinking her vampiric meth mouth baby teeth into rodentlike eunuch Orlando Bloom? And will their hypothetical babies be weaselly nutless bloodsuckers?

• Paris Hilton's ass looks less flapjacky from the back. But don't they all, really? When it comes right down to it, aren't they all less flapjacky from the back? Deep.

• Jenny Love Hewitt might be all chaste and crap, but she will still wear a small strip of fabric nestled lovingly betwixt her buttocks.

• Lesbian Week continues: Joan Jett and Carmen Electra love rock n' roll. Joan mighta put another dime in Carmen's juicebox, baby.

• No, as a matter of fact, we haven't actually seen Ron Jeremy and Super Mario in the same room together. Luigi, though, sure.  

The New York Post's blind items are so cryptic. For the better part of the morning, we've been perched in our seats staring at this one, back and neck stiffened with deep concentration, brow furrowed, teeth digging into lower lip:

Which young Hollywood starlet had secret gastric bypass surgery, but then lost too much weight? During a recent four-day stint at a health clinic, she was actually having an operation to remove the bypass.

Damn you, New York Post! Why must you be so vague? Why couldn't you add some specific details so we could figure out this inpenetrable riddle?  

Listen, we're not going to beat around the bush. This story, right here, is rough. Real rough. The Pat O'Brien sex tape story was a tra-la-la cakewalk in a park full of lilacs in bloom compared to this. If you are strong of stomach and have a steely resolve, then by all means, strap on your gas mask, slither into a full-body Trojan, and click "more", if you'd like to read about Kevin Costner, his penis, and a masseuse.  

Last week, a photo shoot called for a certain staggeringly famous blonde celeb to pose in the outdoors sitting in a kiddie pool. Not wanting to waste a millisecond of her time or risk certain pruning in the water, a body double was hired to marinate in the pool and pose as the photog adjusted lighting and set up the shot. Our anonymous tipster reports that when everything was perfect and Blondie was set to take her double's place, the star loudly remarked, "You better change that water before I get in. That girl looks unclean." The sweet double was paid double to compensate for Blondie's rudeness.  

Which freshly single star is reaping the benefits of her brand new swinger status? Rumor has it, about two weeks ago she played horsey with a certain usually-second-fiddle-but-about-to-become-leading-action-hero star.

And speaking of "horsey", this starlet is notorious for holding up filming on her productions. She spends an awful lot of time hiding out in her trailer, but the reason might not exactly be her rumored narcotics problem. Need a clue? Well, it seems that she might be abusing a substance of a different sort--laxatives. Not very glamorous, but while cast and crew wait on set, she's busy dropping many a deuce in her bathroom.  

It seems that the denizens of Hollywood have grown skittish in the tsunami-like wake of Tropical Storm TomKat. Honestly, not much is going on today. Well, Lindsay Lohan's entire family are w.t. jailbirds, and Hermes are not only purveyors of obscenely overpriced purses, they are total fucking Oprah-hating racists. But where are the illegitimate babies, the Bacchanalian homosexual orgies? Guess it's time to bring you this meaty, pink-in-the-middle morsel we've been sitting on for a while. We've been waiting for a special time to pull it out, and a disgustingly hot and utterly dull Friday morning is as good a time as any. Read on.  

It's Friday, and most of the gossip is about Dawson's Creek playing grabass with Jerry Maguire. All the usual suspects (Bai Ling, Paris Hilton, we're looking at you) seem to have taken a holiday from letting their nipples slipple, so we thought we'd drag out this succulent morsel for you to masticate, gentle reader. Read, enjoy, be tormented by speculation.  

Listen, we're no Ted Casablanca. We know that. We don't have impeccably highlighted L.A. locks, we don't weave a dizzying web of colorful "hip" catchphrases and phonetic spellings when we write these little bits, and we're certainly not privy to the kind of Hollywood insider info that allows Ted to bang out a blind item a week. But occasionally, a tiny little bird alights on our shoulder, Snow White style, and whispers a juicy tidbit in our ear. And it would be sick, twisted and just plain g.d. wrong not to share it with you. Without further adieu, we give you our first blind item.