• Hilary Duff has dropped her older emo craprocker lover with MySpace hair.

• She's also dropped the lower 2 inches off those much-maligned veneers. Neiggggh!

• J. Lo can't seem to make a baby. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that her husband is a reanimated corpse. That was mean.

• In this crazy age of full-on spread pink Britney labia in our faces, it's kind of refreshing and titillating to see a lady in a bikini. Good on ya, Kelly Brook.

• Rihanna, on the other hand, is taking a page from the Merry Divorcée and serving up lippage.

• Britney has mysteriously pulled out of planned joint Billboard Awards hosting duties, leaving Paris to go it solo. That marks the very first time you've ever heard "Britney" and "pulled out" in the same sentence.

• Borat blamed for the Pam Anderson-Kid Rock split. In related news, Borat causes global warming, racial profiling was Borat's idea, and Borat sold all that vodka to Mel Gibson.

• Note to Snoop: YOU HAVE MONEY. HIRE SOMEONE TO CARRY YOUR DRUGS AND GUNS FOR YOU.

 

• Yes, you've seen Kate Moss in her underwear before. But that's not going to stop you from looking again.

• David Hasselhoff says that he, like, totally could have done Princess Di if he wanted to, and that they flirted once. She said "You look much better with your clothes on," and then the Hoff replied, "Well Ma'am, so do you." That . . . doesn't . . . make any sense.

• For all you gymnast (we're quite dumb) figure skater-loving old dudes: Katarina Witt upskirt!

• When Britney and Christina kissed Madonna at the MTV awards lo, so many years ago, Christina suggested that she and Britney lock lips, but Brit declined, because she's incredibly classy and very discerning when it comes to whom she lays her mouth upon.

• A man resembling the leather daddy from The Village People is telling all about his affairs with Tom Cruise, Antonio Banderas, Randy Travis, Andrea Boccelli, and Garth Brooks. Of the latter, he says, "When you're fucking a whale, it seems like an eternity." You're preaching to the choir, pal.

• Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson are both presently vacationing in Maui. Which is purely a coincidence, we're sure.

• Welcome to Bizarroworld: Ashlee looks stylish, Jessica wears a harem-panted jumpsuit. 2 Legit!

• Jamiroquai frontman Jay Kay assaults a throng of Lohan-stalking Pavarottis when he thinks they're interested in him. But he did not do said assaulting in or with a wacky hat, sadly.

• Nicole Richie cries that the media reports saying she's anorexic are stressing her out so bad that she's becoming anorexic!  

Paris Hilton is doing her part to save the planet. She's working on populating her very own ark for the next great flood, and we hear that she's devised a plan to turn splooge into a nutritious and energizing snack. (How do you think she stays so chipper all the time?) Plus, she's really into recycling.

She wisely left the swan at home. After all the trouble she's had lately with that kinkajou, the last thing she needs is a beak to eye.  

An awards show without a runaway nipple is like a Janet Jackson magazine cover sans breast-cupping. That was a terrible simile, but we scored a twelve on the verbal portion of our SATs, so what are you gonna do? After the cut: titties!  

We're not implying anything by running this picture of Tom Cruise thrusting his throbbing manhood into the waiting crotch of a grinning Steven Spielberg while clutching a long, hard, girthy phallus in his sweaty fist.

We just thought it was a nice picture. We're not implying anything at all.
 

The MTV Movie Awards were fairly tame this year. No one showed nip, no one showed crack, and even that simian fellow from Fall Out Boy kept his ding dong in his pants. We were nearly ready to turn Victorian and peer desperately through our monocles, searching frantically for a scandalous baring of collarbone or ankle, when we saw the warm, familiar bosom and gams of Christina Aguilera beckoning us from pictures. Ahhhh.  

With the obvious exception of Fergie and others of her urine-stained, hatchet-faced ilk, we're trying to get away from ragging on celebrities' looks. It's one thing to knock someone for wearing white shoes after Labor Day or getting Meg Ryan lips, but if someone's gained a few or has jug ears, who are we to judge? However, we do feel compelled to point out Jennifer Lopez's obvious gray roots:

This is a woman famous for, like, bathing in $7 million/oz. anti-aging pegasus semen, and yet she attends an awards show sporting an inch and a half of Clooney gray? Tsk!  

We love the internet. Back in the dark ages of 1991, if a starlet were to flash her chair cheeks to a thousand elementary school children, we might get a grainy photo in USA Today, and, if we were really, really lucky, a pixillated clip on Entertainment Tonight. Nowadays, we get several high definition angles of said squatter, and pictures are almost always followed closely thereafter by a video clip. Ladies, gents, after the cut, the hypnotic, jiggly stylings of Lindsay Lohan.  

Here we see Lindsay Lohan at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards, mere seconds away from inserting this large, orange, Nickelodeon-sanctioned suppository up her rectum.
 

A crazy cat lady got confused and wandered away from her feces-littered home and into an Oscar party on Sunday night, soiling herself and repeatedly gumming, "Git offa my proppity, ya varmits!"




What's that you say? That's . . . that's Eddie Van Halen?

Oh.  

All those tight bodices and heaving bosoms and sheer blousery and not a damn nipple in sight? These truly were the Gayest Oscars Ever.  

There comes a time in every parent's life when you have to answer some pretty difficult questions. The "where do babies come from?" question. The "why is there poverty and war and sadness?" question. The "why is my body changing?" question. And, of course, the inevitable, "if my mommy frenches Britney Spears on live television, does that mean she's a homosexual?" question. We've all been there.  

Scarlett Johoho has broken her silence and is bravely speaking out for the first time about her breasts' harrowing encounter with a homosexual at the Golden Globes.  

We made a deal with Jesus that if we never did another entry about Paris Hilton nudity ever again, he'd give us that limited edition Herself the Elf doll we always wanted. Well, we've gone several weeks and nothing. Zilch. Our toy shelf is bare. Plus, today is Paris's 25th birthday and we felt like we had to make some sort of gesture, not matter how small. So here goes nothing.  

We know you've all seen Halle Berry all kinds of down-and-dirty naked. But that doesn't mean you don't want to see pictures of her jiggling her jugs and dry humping a giant poodle, now does it?  

When American Idol winner of yore Kelly Clarkson traded her wholesome grin and Charlotte Russe jeans for a wholesome sneer and ripped faux-vintage shirts, that could mean only one thing: eventual nip slippage. Somewhere, Justin Guarini weeps a single lonely tear.  

Do you think if I wear that old sheer nightgown from my made-for-Cinemax movie The Madam and the Stable Boy over my daughter's cheerleading spankies it will distract from the flesh-eating bacteria that have eaten away half of my face? Will it also distract from the fact that I applied my makeup with a bazooka? No? Better add some gladiator sandals, then.  

Fergie's predilection for urinating in her clothing has been well-documented on this site. However, a quick look at this picture from last night's Grammy arrival reveals something much more sinister:
Is that a faded fecal stain on her dress? Has she lost complete control of her excretory system? We understand that being in the same room as Slipknot must be truly electrifying, but please, try to get a handle on your bowels.  

• Posh Spice teaches us how to dress for seduction. Is the secret tan-in-a-can, fake lips like a couple of BMX tires, and robohooters? Because we're one step ahead of you, Posh.

• Posh is also planning on writing a children's book. Just as soon as she learns how to write.

• There are never enough headlines that include the words "Kate Beckinsale" and "ass".

• Wow. Sienna Miller's doing a really, really, really, really bad job of channeling Edie Sedgwick. Really bad.

• Eva Longoria and Jamie Foxx, also known as the two most irritatingly overrated stars in the cosmos, might have hooked up. Good. Maybe they'll fall in love and go live in the bottom of the sea somewhere.

• Drew Barrymore and her huge snoobs are awesome. Don't hate. Congratulate.

• Brad and Angelina's golden fetus says, "Does this ultrasound make me look fat?"

• You know it's a slow gossip day when this is the headline of the day.

• William Shatner's nugget of crystallized urine builds houses for the underprivileged. Yeah, you heard us.

• Howard Stern admits to having a little plastic surgery. We thought his tits were looking particularly fabulous lately.  

2006 to-do list: Become major fashion designer, pretend to like wieners, touch Scarlett Johansson's boob. And because we happen to be a classy gay dude who doesn't get any erotic enjoyment out of the sensation of touching Scarlett's soft, supple, sensuous secondary sexual characteristic she will just giggle and smile. Thanks for the idea, Isaac Mizrahi!  

Yesterday, Michael Brown resigned from his trophy position heading up FEMA, and all the little babies incubating in the wombs of showbiz ladies caught wind and decided it was finally safe to enter the world. Photo spreads in People with the headline "Oh Baby!" TK.  

In other Jessica Simpson news, Lindsay Lohan hates her g.d. guts, along with the Fez-stealing, acid-reflux-riddled guts of sis Ashlee.  

A full two years after it happened, Simon Le Bon has a sneaking suspicion that Britney and Madonna's famous kiss was staged and that they aren't really lesbian lovers at all, proving once and for all that you can't pull the wool over the eyes of a New Romantic.  

Mariah Carey has admitted that she's "a little dramatic." Next, Michael Jackson to admit he's "a little weird," and Elton John to admit he's "a little gay."  

We just conducted an informal poll around the CelebNewsWire offices, and 9 out of 10 staffers simply cannot recall if they've had sex with Scarlett Johansson. Which is just one more thing we have in common with Benicio Del Toro, in addition to our exotic good looks and all those Oscars we've won.  

Our cherished friend, Femalefirst.com, lets loose with a real corker today. It appears that they gave a special treat of PBR and pot brownies to the chimpanzee they employ to write copy, prompting the clever little beast to drunkenly amble over to his laptop and bang out the golden headline: "Hugh Breasts Are Just Julia Roberts One Complaint About Motherhood".  

Paris Hilton just can't catch a break. No one will shut up about her Sidekick being hacked, and every minor celebrity with an eating disorder and an American Express Black card wants to kick her ass. Now she can't even get a ticket to the Oscars. And she's not the only one.  

So. Where did Half Pint get the full quarts?

 

Far be it from us to slap a giant sticker that says "I Brake For Purging" on a celebrity, but after getting a close gander at Claire Danes at the Golden Globes, we had to wonder if she's been so wrapped up in all that homewrecking that she simply hasn't found the time to eat anything. For months.  

It's been a few weeks since Anna Nicole's slurry awards show shock and awe campaign, and frankly, we've been a little lonely for a good train wreck. Although he didn't pull out his breasts, Johnny Depp graciously stepped in and filled the void with a charmingly surreal speech at the People's Choice Awards.