Pamela Anderson has confirmed that she has had a miscarriage. We've been sitting here for nearly an hour trying to think of a way to make a ha-ha without sounding like unsympathetic a-holes, to no avail. Luckily the funny wrote itself: Turns out Pam's tragedy was the impetus for Denise Richards beaning a wheelchair-bound septuagenarian with her Vaio. Yay!  

In the biggest baby-endangering shocker since Solange Knowles was accused of bleaching her clubfooted baby, Anna Nicole Smith has allegedly dyed her newborn daughter's hair to make her look more like creepazoid Nightline-investigation-waiting-to-happen Howard K. Stern. Perhaps an easier route to confirming paternity would have been to tattoo "I'm a jagbag and I'll steal all your money" on the child's forehead.  

Yesterday, Nicole Richie fell down. But she did not go "boom", presumably, due to her lack of girth. So she fell down and went "tap". Or maybe a weak, metallic "ping", perhaps.  

Nicole Richie has entered a treatment facility. But it's not because she's anorexic. She's just tired. Tired of not eating! Ho, ho. We are comic geniuses. Like Carrot Top and Gallagher and our uncle Schlomo all rolled into one.  

• Buffy costar Mercedes McNab to pose for Playboy; socially-challenged fanboys to spring boners eternal.

• Sweet little cherub Mandy Moore is bringin' schlumpy back, and pulling it off.

• And lo, brash angel of God Kathy Griffin alit and sayeth unto Tori Spelling: "unto you a childe is borne!"

• Paris Hilton has been officially charged with drunk driving. Now, if only she were to be officially charged by the fashion police. Ooh! That's right! We went there! Uh-huh! Two snaps up, girlfriend!

• Aerosmith's Steven Tyler is one hep cat.

• Ashlee Simpson premiered as Roxie Hart in the London Cambridge Theatre's production of Chicago Monday night. And alas, there was no one with an oversized novelty hook, nor any clowns with comical janitor's brooms in sight.

• Lindsay Lohan's father brags about porking his daughter's Herbie stunt double. No punch line needed.

• A helpful compendium of celebrity nippage to clip, save, collect, and trade with friends.

• Tom and K-Hole are looking for a project they can star in together. Might we suggest adapting Ronnie Spector's biography, Be My Baby? Though Tom as a megalomaniacal, shrimpy Svengali with a predilection for shades holding his young and innocent wife captive in their own home might be a bit of a stretch. Har de har har.  

We have never in our life believed one word we read in The National Enquirer. Wait, we take that back. When we read the ad for 100% polyester culottes in various shades of sorbet and it claimed they were a "flattering fit to any body type," we were sold. And damn do those things make our ass look outstanding. But nonetheless, when we received the latest copy of the tab and read a little article claiming that Jessica Simpson and John Mayer were secretly dating, we might as well have been reading an article about Britney Spears's gestating offspring possessing both male and female genitalia--and a tail! But it turns out that the story might be true. Does this mean that Mike Walker's story about Angelina Jolie wrestling an alligator and cutting off its head for a trophy is true too? (OK, we might have made up that last part, but you believed it, didn't you?)  

Have you seen The Letter? You know, The Letter in which a man who pays the bills called Lindsay Lohan "discourteous, irresponsible and unprofessional"? No? Take a moment out of your busy morning of sneaking to the bathroom for a speedball and booking your boss's afternoon hooker quickie to peruse The Letter. There. Now wasn't that fun? Apparently Dina Lohan didn't think so. That hag's no fun.  

The last time Lindsay Lohan landed in the hospital--for a severe asthma attack--she got a tattoo memorializing the event: the word "breathe" on her wrist. After taking another trip to the ER the other day, Lindsay went and got another tattoo. Much like the leggings scourge she's unleashed upon the world, post-illness tattoo commemoration will certainly become the hot new thing with the kids, and post-adolescent girls around the country will eschew getting Grateful Bears and happy face suns on their lower backs after sixteen Jello shots in Cabo over spring break, and instead opt for a frowning nautical star or an uncharacteristically somber dolphin following a night of getting their stomachs pumped after said Jello shots.  

Lindsay Lohan was rushed to the hospital Tuesday afternoon after suffering from the newest, chicest celebrity malady: overheating. Everybody's doin' it. And thank god, because "exhaustion" was getting a little hackneyed at the go-to euphemism for keeling over after snorting an Everest-sized mountain of coke.  

Nicole Richie is the runt of the spindly-legged, razor-sharp collar-boned Hollywood kitten litter. Try as they might, Mischa Barton, Keira Knightley, even Kate Bosworth can't push the scale numbers low enough to compete with Richie. But being the tiniest little kitten has it's disadvantages. Nicole is banished to the corners of the towel-lined cardboard box (otherwise known as the clearance rack at Kitson) while her stronger kitty brethren suckle at Mummy's teats (obvs, Koi). Nicole peers sadly behind her under-fed, saucer-like eyes (bug-eyed Dior sunglasses) struggling to just stay conscious. And sometimes poor Nicole loses that struggle.  

• Michelle Rodriguez is out of jail again, and she says, "I'm moving to France... People don't bother you there." Which we take to mean "The pigs don't hassle me when I kick back a carafe of red wine and then go for a spin in a Renault." Ooh la la!

• Thank you, Mira Sorvino, for giving your new son a normal name. Teach your Hollywood brethren, Mira Sorvino. Show them the way.

• No link here, but seriously: When was the last time we saw Britney and Kevin together? Just wondering.

• Robin Tunney is pretty. Robin Tunney has a nipple. Pretty Robin Tunney shows us her nipple.

• Christina Aguilera's husband, proboscis monkey Jordan Bratman, won't let his wife pose topless. What a brat, man.

• No, no, the old saying isn't "Mom, baseball, and apple pie." It's "baseball, braces, and Alyssa Milano's pokies."

• Mariah Carey: That tomato's got billion dollah pegs, I tells ya.

• Ben Affleck rushed to the hospital because of a headache. The rest of us rushed to the hospital because we just heard the name Ben Affleck.

• Mischa Barton calls her mother "retarded." Yeah, but who's the one who willingly had sexual congress with Brandon Davis? Huh? Huh??? Who's retarded now, Mischa? Who's retarded now????  

Julia Stiles is this week's winner of the coveted Eva Longoria TMI award, as she tells starpulse.com all about accidentally popping some laxatives in the Czech Republic and getting a wicked case of the trots all over a movie set. Julia, there's such a thing as keeping some mystery in your image. One of the reasons Halle Berry and Nicole Kidman are such huge and well-respected stars is the fact that we, the public, do not have to see pictures of them filing down their bunions, nor do we have to read reports about the size, shape, consistency, and frequency of their bowel movements. Well, you guys don't, we do. But dammit, we pay those personal assistants handsomely for that information. You know, we'd gather it ourselves if it wasn't for these pesky restraining orders.  

• Jake Gyllenhaal has a new beard! And a new girlfriend. So that's . . . two . . . beards. Yeah.

• Ashlee Simpson and her freshly minted honker show some Ash-crack.

• And Jessica Simpson nearly put her dog through the scanner at an airport security checkpoint. In related news, she's still a big dummy.

• Lindsay Lohan still attempting to resurrect 1988 leggings. Next up, LiLo will singlehandedly bring back Fido Dido gear.

• See Kiefer. See Kiefer drink. See Kiefer drink and drop trou.

• Keith Richards may never perform again. Promise?

 

And today in the "Damn, bitch, tell us something we don't know" department: Nicole Richie says she's too skinny. She went on to make other startling announcements, like Jessica Alba is pretty, water is wet, and sex is fun. That Nicole, always ahead of the curve.  

We all knew DCFS would eventually show up at Britney Spears and Kevin Federline's home, but we thought it would have something to do with Kevin getting totally baked, lining up some empty 40s at the end of a long hallway, and using Sean as a bowling ball (he rolls into a ball so nicely, and his mouth and nose make for perfect finger holes). Instead it was because Sean fell out of his high chair and suffered a skull fracture, resulting in a routine child-abuse investigation. Is it possible that we grossly overestimated the Federlines' ineptness? Nah. They'll probably give him his very first table saw for a first-birthday present.  

• Jennifer Aniston is moving to Chicago. We can't wait to run into her in the health and beauty aisle at Jewel!

• Piper Perabo lowers herself to date former pill-popper/Friends friend Matthew Perry. Move over TomKat and Brangelina, here's . . . Pipthew Perrybo?

• Our #1 deity, Mariah Carey, teams up with Snoop, shoots a video, mounts a mesa of Vuitton luggage, wears very little clothing.

• Salma Hayek chortles when confronted with Colin Farrell's weenis. Understandable.

• Portman pokies, redux!

• If your daughter were Tori Spelling, wouldn't you sue her too? Just for fun?

• K-Fed hates the Pavarotti, loves his kids and wife, raps about it in hot new tune on MySpace. This one's for the haters. Fuck the media.

• Pink's special surprise for her husband is reportedly a "12ft pole to be erected in her dressing room". But the bigger surprise is that said pole is being erected in her pants! Because she's a man, see.

• Aerosmith's Steven Tyler is about to undergo surgery for an "undisclosed medical condition". Lip reduction? Eyeliner tattoos? Scarfectomy?  

So you thought that legally binding herself to a useless, unemployed pothead troglodyte and letting him inseminate her (possibly twice!) and discovering that the hole in a Twinkie is perfect for inserting EZ Cheeze and making it twelve kinds of delicious and doubling her body mass and losing all semblance of hotness was the stupidest thing Britney Spears could do, right? Well, you were wrong. The stupidest thing she could do was step barefoot into a public parking lot and puncture her foot with a discarded hypodermic needle.  

First, a publicist knocked out by Exhaustion was revived by Entourage star Adrian Grenier. Now, Ellen Barkin's life was saved when she received the Heimlich from high-powered agent Kevin Huvane. Forget the Chloe Paddington bag or the Alexander McQueen skull scarf. Hollywood's biggest spring fashion accessory will be a tiny first aid kit hidden inside a barrel and worn around the neck.  

You'll all be happy to know that Madonna is recovering swimmingly after a very recent hernia operation. That's right. Hernia operation. The most famous woman in the world, the queen of sex, ripped a hole in her abdominal wall, which causes her intestines--her fecal highways--to spill through. Yeah, good luck with that whole "masturbating to fantasies of Madonna" thing in the future.