• Yes, you've seen Kate Moss in her underwear before. But that's not going to stop you from looking again.

• David Hasselhoff says that he, like, totally could have done Princess Di if he wanted to, and that they flirted once. She said "You look much better with your clothes on," and then the Hoff replied, "Well Ma'am, so do you." That . . . doesn't . . . make any sense.

• For all you gymnast (we're quite dumb) figure skater-loving old dudes: Katarina Witt upskirt!

• When Britney and Christina kissed Madonna at the MTV awards lo, so many years ago, Christina suggested that she and Britney lock lips, but Brit declined, because she's incredibly classy and very discerning when it comes to whom she lays her mouth upon.

• A man resembling the leather daddy from The Village People is telling all about his affairs with Tom Cruise, Antonio Banderas, Randy Travis, Andrea Boccelli, and Garth Brooks. Of the latter, he says, "When you're fucking a whale, it seems like an eternity." You're preaching to the choir, pal.

• Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson are both presently vacationing in Maui. Which is purely a coincidence, we're sure.

• Welcome to Bizarroworld: Ashlee looks stylish, Jessica wears a harem-panted jumpsuit. 2 Legit!

• Jamiroquai frontman Jay Kay assaults a throng of Lohan-stalking Pavarottis when he thinks they're interested in him. But he did not do said assaulting in or with a wacky hat, sadly.

• Nicole Richie cries that the media reports saying she's anorexic are stressing her out so bad that she's becoming anorexic!  

• Kevin Federline claims that on his GED, he got "amazing ass test scores." You know who else aced the amazing ass test? Heather Locklear (see above).

• Shamed superstar Mel Gibson fires up his Razr and sets out on the seemingly insurmountable task of personally apologizing to every Jew in the whole wide world.

• Lindsay Lohan is coming out with her own perfume. Exhaustion by Lindsay Lohan will smell softly of jasmine, raspberry vodka, and pink pepper with bottom notes of firecrotch musk.

• And there is no love lost between Lindsay and her Bobby costar William H. Macy, who says that she "should have her ass kicked." Not such a good idea, Macy, old chum. The ass might be your target of choice, but Lindsay apparently goes for the face.

• Cindy Crawford gets by with a little help from her friends. Her good friends Botox and Collagen.

• The Japanese have given the thumbs up to their previously censored Britney naked posters. Gee, you think the "banning" and "controversy" was only to drum up publicity? Nah.

• Pete Doherty: punched out a male nurse at rehab!

• Pete Doherty: also busted for cocaine in rehab! We don't know about you, but we're really starting to understand what a beautiful, wealthy, iconic supermodel would see in him. What a prize!

• His lyrical edge softened with age, contentment, and wealth, Bruce Springsteen makes a bid for authentic suffering by dumping redheaded wife for redheaded 9/11 widow.  

Posters depicting Britney Spears in her naked, heavy with with baby pose from last month's Bazaar have been censored in the subways of Japan, for being "too stimulating". This, from a country that was the birthplace of bukkake and tentacle porn.  

• Brittany Murphy has ended her engagement to best boy/grip Joe Macaluso. Brittany, do you actually think you're going to be able to do better? He's the BEST boy, for Christ's sake!

• "Kevin Federline mauled by rap community." God, if only that headline were literal.

• Janet Jackson says that fiancé Jermaine Dupri sexually takes her to places she's never been before. Oh, like the Ewok Village? Get it? Cuz he's short.

• Proving you can never have too much of a good thing: even more pictures of the expansive side of Lindsay Lohan's enormous, speckled breast.

• And Lindsay's dad is quite the little Jim Davis, taking pen to paper and cartooning the demons pulling his daughter from his fatherly embrace. Impressive, but we would have drawn Lindsay crying "ACK!" and holding a bikini on a hanger to illustrate her body-image issues.

• A devious, scrawny mammal that steals sneakily, and Kevin Federline. One and the same, friends, but which one has more facial hair?

• Britney angrily refused to allow Jessica Simpson to kiss her pregnant belly, which is the first smart thing Britney's done, child-rearing-wise. Perhaps she didn't want to risk having her fetus get poisoned by toxic, cupcake-scented plumping gloss.

• Beyonce and Jay-Z are planning a $3 million wedding. Bet the courtesy gift bag will be fabulous!

• Jessica Simpson is now hawking hairpieces. What is she, a Mandrell?  

Remember that time you were at your grandma's house and settled in front of the TV only to discover that she had HBO, so you decided to watch a little Sex and the City while Meemaw took her Epsom salt bath? And then Granny returned in her bathrobe just in time to hear Kim Cattrall utter a sentence that included four fucks and three cunts and your poor old granny gasped, reached unsuccessfully for her walker, and then dropped dead of sheer shock? Well, Granny's a little like New Zealand.  

Lindsay Lohan is arguably the most sought-after broad in the country right now. She's photographed everywhere she goes, she has a different high-profile dude on her arm every week, she starred in a well-received film alongside Meryl Streep, she parties with Kate Moss, she's appearing in high-profile magazine spreads sporting things like $3500 suspenders and $8000 wimples and other couture items of the like. Now what would you expect a person in Lindsay's position to do next, career-wise? Appear in a Miu Miu campaign? Work with a respected director on a gritty film for a reduced paycheck in hopes of an Oscar? Start a clothing line? No. The answer, dear reader: zit cream infomercials.  

• Michelle Rodriguez is out of jail again, and she says, "I'm moving to France... People don't bother you there." Which we take to mean "The pigs don't hassle me when I kick back a carafe of red wine and then go for a spin in a Renault." Ooh la la!

• Thank you, Mira Sorvino, for giving your new son a normal name. Teach your Hollywood brethren, Mira Sorvino. Show them the way.

• No link here, but seriously: When was the last time we saw Britney and Kevin together? Just wondering.

• Robin Tunney is pretty. Robin Tunney has a nipple. Pretty Robin Tunney shows us her nipple.

• Christina Aguilera's husband, proboscis monkey Jordan Bratman, won't let his wife pose topless. What a brat, man.

• No, no, the old saying isn't "Mom, baseball, and apple pie." It's "baseball, braces, and Alyssa Milano's pokies."

• Mariah Carey: That tomato's got billion dollah pegs, I tells ya.

• Ben Affleck rushed to the hospital because of a headache. The rest of us rushed to the hospital because we just heard the name Ben Affleck.

• Mischa Barton calls her mother "retarded." Yeah, but who's the one who willingly had sexual congress with Brandon Davis? Huh? Huh??? Who's retarded now, Mischa? Who's retarded now????  

Things that make you go "hmm": Scarlett Johansson showing her ass for free on the cover of Vanity Fair but refusing to pose for sexy shots for L'oreal, a company paying her five million bones. Not that we're saying paying someone an exorbitant amount of money gives someone license to force the payee to strip or anything. That raises a bunch of dicy "prostitution" questions that we'd rather leave to philosophers and experts and people who watched that one movie with Demi Moore and Woody Harrelson.  

First Kate Moss got fired from several lucrative ad gigs after getting caught doing the naughty salt, now Carmen Electra's contract with Max Factor is in jeopardy after she mounted a Sybian machine on Howard Stern's radio show. So if you're a model representing makeup, you can't blow coke or rub your genitals on a piece of hardware intimately acquainted with Jenna Jameson? Cosmetic companies are fascists.  

• Lil' Kim's leaky-ass fake yams need stop in the pit to be oiled, lubed, and rotated.

• Lindsay Lohan's Long Island ho buddies post pictures of the teen queen flipping the bird, boozing it up, hanging with Moss, making the international symbol for cunnilingus, and posing next to a bong and possibly a chopped-up coke line. Damn you again, MySpace!

• Slightly older pictures, but Natalie Portman nippage is forever newsworthy, do you not agree?

• Person you've never heard of likens Keira Knightley's torso to "two aspirins on an ironing board". We love the English! That almost beats Noel Gallagher's "Zorro on doughnuts" simile of yore. Almost.

• Said aspirin are in talks to hawk warpaint for Chanel.

• Does Tom Hanks make Fergie look more feminine, or is it the other way around?

• Dreamgirls producers are terrified that Beyonce's ass will bust through costumes, Kool-Aid Man style. Ohhhh yeaaaaah!  

• Mariah Carey ensures that she will never receive a free Chanel dress ever again.

• Why, hello, M&Ms stuck in Jennifer Lopez's dress. Nice to see you.

• Speaking of small round candies and boobs . . .

• Beyonce once jiggled her jelly so damn hard that her entire dress fell off. Guess she didn't see that ragtag group of young men with oversized novelty magnets who sewed her garment with metal thread.

• Lindsay Lohan dresses up as Diane Keaton, Liza Minnelli, and Liz Taylor. Gay male plotzing TK.

• Tom Sizemore has been sent back to rehab. Also, the sun rose today.

• Ya can't shine shit: MK and Ashley Olsen are all gussied up and shilling for Badgley Mischka. Funny how chimpanzees in $5,000 frocks are still chimpanzees.

• Britney took her baby Sean to the emergency room because he was constipated. Now, we're no Dr. Spock or nuthin', but maybe, just maybe, if she stopped giving him tubes of nacho bacon E-Z Cheez in lieu of bottles, this wouldn't happen.

• And maybe Brit should lay off the aerosol delicacies herself.

• Poor Nikki Cox learns that when you agree to marry a professional guest star, you lose your livelihood. And your breasts.

• PETA activists threw flour on Paris Hilton as she entered a London fashion week party. They then battered and deep-fried her and enjoyed her with some honey BBQ dippin' sauce. Just kidding, that's not vegan.  

• Natalie Portman: Last of the Mohicans.

• Dear Russell Crowe: PLEASE PUNCH US. WE NEED THE CASH.

• Scar-Jo and Josh Hartnett (Jo-Ho?) move in together! Eh, it's destined to fail. "Scarlett Hartnett" just sounds so douchey.

• Fleck's million-pound pits.

• Annie Hall is porking Ted "Theodore" Logan.

• Ohhhh, when Keef says Mick has a laughably tiny weenis, that's supposed to be a compliment. We see, we see.

• Does a rapper sire twelve billion babies and have two wives? Mos Def!

 

Scarlett Johansson's snoobs appear so enormous in a new billboard for The Island that they nearly caused Scarlett herself to crash her car. In your face, Angelyne.  

• Anorexia, asthma, crummy tonsils, kidney problems, throat cysts, childhood OCD. It's a wonder Jessica Alba lived past puberty.

• Osama Bin Laden: valiantly trying to wipe out America's population of electroclash holdovers.

• Kate Moss loses 120 lbs. of ugly, useless flesh; possibly picks up a Jackass.

• Nicole Kidman plans to take a year or two off acting. We suspect that when she returns, she'll have mysteriously taken more than a year or two off her looks.

• Two impossibly good-looking WB stars' three-month old marriage on the rocks? If Sophia Bush and Chad Michael Murray can't make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us?

• The diabolical Mischa Barton plays the TomKat game.

• Brittany Murphy proves that nothing sells jeans quite like a lack of jeans.  

The Gap has unceremoniously dropped singer Joss Stone from their ad campaign after they found out that she's shacking up with a much older man. Joss replaced Sarah Jessica Parker, who herself was replaced for being extremely old and rather homely.
The Gap:
Older boyfriends, an equine face = bad
Sweatshops and child labor = totally f-ing sweet!  

• Colin Farrell gets restraining order against Nicole Narain--he's afraid that pesky sex tape will harm his "reputation and career". His reputation is that of a serial ass-tapper; his last movie was Alexander. Dude has nowhere to go but up.

• Joss Stone has a bum double in a Gap advert? Why, we're bloody gutted over the news! Pip, pip! Tut, tut! Tally ho!

• Scotty's remains are going to be beamed up FOR REAL.

• Journalists dish all: Tom Cruise is creepy, Catherine Zeta-Jones is as dumb as a turd, Andy Garcia is a big fat ugmo, and MORE!

• Angelina and new baby Zahara enjoy a day out; Maddox deemed "too old", forced to stay home in a closet, eating bread crusts.

• If you're friends with Gwen Stefani, you may just find your cute outfit being knocked off, churned out by Chinese orphans and mass-marketed.

• Tom and Katie "can't wait for a baby!" Problem is, they have no idea how you make one.

• Um, hi, celebrities? Yeah, hi, it's us. Listen, guys, could you be a little more exciting? I mean, we don't want to have to do the CNW Junk Drawer every single day because you give us nothing to write about. The Jude Law nannyfucking was a great start . . . maybe you could all be a little more like Jude? Like, just start grabbing asses, or make out with Erik Estrada at a party, or buy a gun and wave it around. Scream, shout, piss on a wall with abandon! Anything! Please! Love, Your Friends at CelebNewsWire.  

Paris Hilton hates her body. And apparently, the public hates it, too. They hate it so damn much that they crashed the servers at the Carl's Jr. website, what with their obsessive downloading of her half-naked, car-washing, burger-eating clip and all. Now that's hate! Mouth-wateringly beefy and cheesy hate.  

So Ashton Kutcher has a new movie out. We know. You're thinking, "Didn't that movie with Bernie Mac come out, like, last week?" Well, apparently when you're king of the granny-humping world you can star in as many movies as Jude Law. This one co-stars Amanda Peet and as far as we know does not defile any Hollywood classics. But if the film debuts at number one, The Kutch will pose for some pictures in his undies. So there's another reason not to waste your $8.50.  

Between losing the Oscar to Hilary Swank, having starred in arguably the most embarrassingly mawkish movie of all time, and editors constantly Photoshopping her body so that it resembles a Real Doll, poor Kate Winslet just can't seem to get a break.  

We at CelebNewsWire are not generally in the business of poking fun at Star Jones (or Star Jones Reynolds if you want to get picky about it). We think she makes a joke out of herself without any help from us. But when the Bridezilla fears that the public will confuse her with a six-foot-tall drag queen, well, we can't pass that up.  

PETA has been shanghaied by Chinese censors into cropping a racy anti-fur poster depicting a naked Pam Anderson. At least we think that's what happened. We just read the story as "Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah NAKED PAM ANDERSON blah blah blah blah."  

A raunchy commercial for Britney Spears's smellifluous perfume, Curious, is not allowed to be shown on UK TV before 7:30 P.M. They won't show it in Europe? Europe, the home of televised full-frontal? What?  

Dirt cheap budget airline Air Tran is slapping Elton John's bloated, gap-toothed mug on the sides of 20 jets. Because nothing says "cramped, tight spaces," "huge, hard phallic object," and "irrational fear of imminent doom" quite like Elton!  

Much like Ali Landry in the Doritos commerical lo, so many years ago, everyone wants to know: who's the zaftig brunette in the godaddy.com Superbowl spot? We and the good folks at MrSkin.Com busted out our protractors and T-squares, went for nights without sleep, scouring websites, DVDs, VHS tapes, and laserdiscs, and we have emerged victorious! Oh, it was a burdensome, ball-busting task, but we did it for you, dear reader.  

McDonald's Ad Whiz #1: "We need a new slogan. Something 'cool'. Something 'hep'."
McDonald's Ad Whiz #2: "Something that appeals to the tweens AND the teens. Maybe something tinged with 'the hip hop'."
McDonald's Ad Whiz #3: "How about 'I'd hit it'?"
McDonald's Ad Whiz #1: "That sounds totally 'diggety'! What does it mean?"
McDonald's Ad Whiz #3: "You know, like 'I'd like to eat it; it's good.'"
McDonald's Ad Whiz #1: "I love it! Go with it!"