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filed under: Tony Parker

January 16, 2008

Celebrities Spending Writer's Strike Having Tons of Sex, Getting Knocked Up

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Just like your 35-year-old spinster sister, Hollywood is baby crazy. We're beginning to think that Governor Arnold secretly passed a law that every showbiz personality must spawn by the year 2010 or be forced to spend two years working the craft services table. Jennifer Aniston better start prepping her uterus, because we hear she's a mess with a chafing dish. more »

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December 20, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: David Silver's Best Gal

• Megan Fox seems to have misplaced her shirt. We all win! (Egotastic!)

• Brad Pitt thinks that orphans come from his anus. (Allie Is Wired)

• Britney's not the only one who enjoys mama's lollipops in front of Sean and JJ. Only Daddy's lollipops come in a pretty glass container and smell funny. (Yeeeah!)

• Fergie is coming clean about her dirtied drawers. (Cityrag)

• Ashley Tisdale's new nose gives you glad tidings. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Britney proves she owns undies. (Taxi Driver)

• Tony Parker is not just French, he's litigious. Doubly obnoxious! (Daily Stab)

• Tom Cruise's older children call Katie Holmes "Mom". They call Tom "Intergalactic Overlord Patriarchal Cyborg Unit #6599202B". (Celebitchy)

• Tara Reid sports a bikini. And what appears to be Ashton Kutcher's trucker hat from 2002. (The Blemish)

• Monica Bellucci has thingies. They're, like, round things. Kind of pinkish? They're a little bit below her collarbone. You know, whosiwhatsits. (Hollywood Tuna)

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December 13, 2007

Longoria Just Not That Into Hubby's Dongoria

A wise woman named Rose Nyland once said of her roommate Blanche's oversexed ramblings, "I've found that the more people talk about sex, the less they have it." Who, in Hollywood, talks about sex the most? Eva Longoria, of course. And who is now rumored to be a secret prude? Apparently, Mr. Longoria, Tony Parker, was so dissatisfied with Eva's puritanical bedroom antics that he was forced to search elsewhere; i.e. inside French model Alexandra Paressant, for that elusive facial. Paressant told X17 Online:

"I met Tony at Hyatt Park and we spent wonderful moments together. We had room service. He said that Eva, sexually speaking, does not want to do certain things. She does not want to make love in front of a mirror, does not like certain positions and thinks that sperm gives you acne."

Eva and Tony, of course, deny any wick-wetting on Parker's part, telling People:

Tony: "I love my wife. She's the best thing in my life, and I have never been happier." Longoria, who took Parker's name this year after their July nuptials, added, "Tony has been nothing short of the perfect husband."

Perhaps this Alexandra Paressant can take some lessons in writing the perfect erotic Hollywood hookup tell-all from Dessarae Bradford. I Let Tony Parker Ejaculate Onto My Waiting Face just screams "Pulitzer".

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October 01, 2007

1 Night in Eva's Beava

For once the Unsubstantiated Rumor of the Day does not involve Jennifer Lopez's uterus OR Angelina Jolie buying more children from countries with funny names. Instead, we turn to Eva Longoria and the possibility that a sex tape involving her and husband/French dude Tony Parker exists. According to The Sun:

Rumours have been rife on the web that the saucy video exists and contains intimate scenes featuring the Desperate Housewives beauty and her NBA star hubby Tony Parker.

If the tape is genuine, it is tipped to become the biggest sex tape unearthed since Paris Hilton’s One Night In Paris.

However, Celebitchy does not suffer fools gladly and gets to the bottom of the situation:

1. You can download a supposed clip from a torrent, but once you try and view it you have to subscribe to a site called “Celebrity Orgy” to see it.

2. No one who is reporting on this has even seen the tape.

3. The video has not been leaked yet

4. The title of the video suggests they just threw Eva’s name in there for good measure. It’s called “Eva+Longoria+Home+Video+hot+MILF+caught+FUCKING+in+stolen+Sex+Tape”

If such a tape exists, it should be fairly easy to discern whether or not it's the real Eva and Tony. Just watch for the midget with the vulva tattoo gently guiding the virginal French giant's penis from her belly button towards the correct orafice. more »

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July 06, 2007

Eva Longoria No Longer Desperate; Now Housewife

Today, the star of waning ABC soap opera married some random athlete guy in France. These two are media masterminds because they somehow foresaw July 6, 2007 as the slowest and most boring celebrity gossip day in history, and planned accordingly. "I'll be on the cover of every magazine!" Evil Eva sneered, rubbing her hands together menacingly. "I'll sell my wedding photos for two million dollars! OK! will do a spread on 'Eva's Dream Dress'! Me, me, ME! Muahahahaha!" And France guy twisted his villainous French mustache and echoed, "Je blah vous vlah blah blah francais blah blah zhe de la blah! Muahahahaha!" more »

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May 08, 2007

Eva Longoria Heeds Words of Georgia Satellites, Disallows Hugging and Kissing Until She Gets Wedding Ring

There was once a time in CelebNewsWire history when we would be forced to write a story about Eva Longoria and her proclivity towards discussing matters of the crotch, as if compelled by some unseen, semi-sexy force. After she and athlete/awesome rapper Tony Parker were engaged, she suddenly stopped talking about her vagina and all the things that go in it an on it, and we haven't dedicated an entire story to her in five rapturous months. But like a boomerang with a vulva tattoo, she has returned! She appeared on Jimmy Kimmel's show and revealed that she has instated a "no sex" rule in the house, swearing off intercourse with Parker until their wedding night. She said,

"Luckily, we're getting married after the play-offs and then we need to consummate the marriage. I scheduled it that way."

Furthermore, they're marrying on July 7, and Eva says they chose the date because "it's the only weekend we're both off." Man, not touching your spouse-to-be for months and then squeezing a wedding in between playoffs and sitcom shooting, hurriedly timing your much-waited for connubial coitus before the new ABC season? Someone should alert A Wedding Story because this sounds like a dream come true. more »

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March 27, 2007

"Me, I'll stay on the sofa, enjoying the vibe by raising my arms."

Get ready for the best rap record released by a pro basketball player since Shaq Fu: Da Return; Tony Parker just released a sure-fire hip-hop hit--in French. Page Six reports:

TONY Parker's new rap record sounds like unhip-hop to us. The San Antonio Spur and fiancé of Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria yesterday released his debut album, "Balance-toi," in which he's heard bragging in French about his lavish lifestyle. Some of the less-than-impressive lyrics translate as: "What, you want to dance? No, it's not worth it. Me, I'll stay on the sofa, enjoying the vibe by raising my arms." Stick to dribbling and leave the rapping to the pros, Tony!

You can watch the video for yourself at Yeeeah!, but we suggest you skip it in favor of a true hip-hop genius.

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December 01, 2006

Eva Longoria To Become Desperately Housewifish

You'll recall that burnt sienna pygmy Eva Longoria and her fumbly lover Tony Parker broke up, only to immediately get back together. And now, they are officially engaged. Wow! Looks like a couple stuff happened in the past two months! more »

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October 05, 2006

Eva and Tony's Romance Still Circling the Drain

Our jubilance upon learning that Eva Longoria and her romantically subnormal toy boy, Tony Parker, had split was short-lived. Today we learn the sad fact that they are trying to save the romance, and that Eva has dropped everything and flown to France to try to work things through, thus giving gossip writers yet another reason to think they're terribly clever by describing Eva as "desperate". Oh ho ho! more »

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October 03, 2006

Eva Longoria is Open for Business

Ring the alarm! Sound the gong! Eva Longoria and her frog baller lover Tony Parker are over! Guess that "T.P." mons pubis tattoo doesn't seem like such a stellar idea today, eh, Eva? more »

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July 25, 2006

Boyfriend Resents Longoria's New, Watery Lover

There may be some truth to Eva Longoria's admission that her man-candy, San Antonio Spur Tony Parker, is woefully inexperienced when it comes to romantic/erotic matters, as he became wildly jealous when his girlfriend hopped into the ocean and began cuddling with dolphins. You may think this sounds like the action of a desperate, insecure man; we think it's the action of a smart man. If Jessica Alba has taught us anything, it's that dolphins are poonthirsty perverts by nature and will stop at nothing to grab a heavenly piece of woman-cake. more »

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June 29, 2006

The Honeymoon Crashers

After their marriage, Nicole Kidman and her new husband, crooning outback troubadour Keith Urban, jetted to a remote, staggeringly expensive, extremely private resort on the island of Bora Bora. Picture it: You're arguably the world's most famous actress, you've just pulled of a smooth wedding, you're heading to a tropical locale away from the prying eyes of the public, you've hired a team of jet-skiing bodyguards to patrol the area, and you're met with . . . the infamous Eva Longoria, staying mere steps from your private cabin, banging gongs and knocking on your door asking to borrow a cup of sugar and offering you marital aids from her vast private stash. more »

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March 21, 2006

Longoria Takes TMI a Touch Too Far

Good news, Eva Longoria fans! Your heroine might find herself single quite soon, after outing her boyfriend as an inexperienced demivirgin in a national magazine. more »

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