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filed under: Tommy Lee

July 16, 2008

Verizon Presents: Pam & Tommy Lee, the Sequel

Wanna see Pam Anderson naked? Just tell Tommy Lee you really dig his tats, and he'll show you some awesome pics. Our personal cell-phone service provider, FemaleFirst, reports:

Tommy Lee has naked pictures of Pamela Anderson on his cell phone.

The rocker, who reconciled with ex-wife Pammie last month, is said to be so smitten with the sexy actress he happily shows the photos to his pals.

A friend of Tommy revealed: "Tommy is as proud to be Pammie's man as he was when they first got together. Pammie may be 41 but she still looks every inch the Playboy bunny she was and Tommy has the proof.

"If you're really nice to him, apparently he'll even show you!"

Yeah, and we're sure when Tommy whips it out (we mean his cell phone, of course) and says, "Dude, check this out. It's Pam. And she's NAKED!" the inevitable response is, "We know Tommy; we've seen it. We saw it when you had sex-tape Thursday in your media room, we saw it when we went into your guest bathroom with the Playboy wallpaper, and we saw it when you started sucking on her nipples while we were trying to eat our Blooming Onion at Outback last week. We don't want to see Pam's tits anymore. Put them away." more »

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June 13, 2008

Pam and Tommy Lee: Three Boobs Together Again

Most Hollywood couplings confound us. Yes, we understand why Jennifer Aniston is suddenly addicted to John Mayer's donkey dong. But Paris Hilton and Benji Madden? Fuck if we've got any answers for you on that one. Compatible herpes strains maybe? But one relationship that has always made sense to us is Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee. They're somehow like that really sweet old couple you see feeding each other creamed corn in the park. Only with gigantic plastic breasts, rubbery sun-damaged skin, lots of tattoos, and leather pants. So it's good that Rolling Stone is reporting their inevitable reunion.

We visited Mötley Crüe in their Hollywood rehearsal studio yesterday as they prepped for their summer CrueFest tour. Yes, they rocked, and we’ll have a full report in the next issue of Rolling Stone, but because you’re our pals, we thought you’d want to know one bit of news right away: “Pamela and the kids have moved in with me,” said a beaming Tommy Lee(speaking, of course, of his ex-wife and sex-tape costar Pamela Anderson and their two sons, Brandon and Dylan). “It’s awesome, man. It’s definitely working. You can tell on the kids’ faces — they’re happy when we’re together.” Let’s hope those crazy lovebirds keep it together this time. As Lee told us, “We’ve only given it a try 800 times — 801, here we go.”

We sincerely hope that this reunion works out, partially because we're afraid of who Pam would marry next (Jesse Camp maybe?), but mostly because we're really excited for a sequel to Pam and Tommy Lee: Stolen Honeymoon. It will be a fascinating study of maturing sexuality. Like grandma porn.

P.S., according to IMDb, Pam will be turning 41 on July 1st. Hmmmm. 41? Really? The combined age of each of her boobs, maybe, but if Pam is 41, Tom Cruise loves nothing more than a big juicy vagina.

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September 18, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: A Total Raging Disgusting Rich Lazy Party Slut

• Britto's manager drops her mere hours after her lawyer does. She's getting dropped more often than Sean Preston. Ba-dum-bump. (Yeeeah!)

• Jessica Simpson brings back the Daisy Dukes. Or maybe the Dazzy Duks. Whatever. (Drunken Stepfather)

• This is what Kid Rock bitchslapped Tommy Lee over. (Hollywood Tuna)

• Mary-Louise Parker pulls a Madonna. And we don't mean dry-humping Vanilla Ice. (The Blemish)

• Dave Grohl says that Paris is a "total, raging, disgusting, rich, lazy party slut." In similar news, Dave Grohl claims that "bacon tastes real good" and "water is wet". (Celebitchy)

• Christina Aguilera's baby will never go hungry. (Derek Hail)

• Sting probably had sex with these hookers. But the question remains: did he have sex with them for ten hours straight? (IDLYITW)

• Keira Knightley is a big fat sloppy gross lardy gigantic moo cow. (Celeb Warship)

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September 12, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: Fetuses and Weave Fits

• Mischa Barton becomes Mrs. Roper. (Derek Hail)

• Joe Francis wants Vanessa Hudgens to sign a deal with Girls Gone Wild. "Lucrative and record-breaking Disney franchise, or cokehead in a jail cell?" Her mind must be a veritable cacophony of tumult right now! (WWTDD)

• Faulkner. Hemingway. Didion. Joyce. Tommy Lee. (IDLYITW)

• Jennifer Lopez fetuswatch 09/07 begins. (The Blemish)

• And speaking of fetuses, Posh Spice is starting to look like one after an hour of broasting in a cajun marinade. (Hollywood Tuna)

• Stacy's mom has got an upskirt goin' on. (Taxi Driver)

• We'd never seen a praying mantis that likes reverse cowgirl until we saw these pictures of Jenna Jameson's plastiface. (Evil Beet)

• Britney Spears does not suffer Ken Paves gladly, and a Ken Paves wielding faux hair never. (Celeb Warship)

• AND! She's a Brit . . . house. Forget the poon, THIS is quite a spread. (Allie Is Wired)

• Heath Ledger hits the party scene to celebrate his newfound single status, as well as the last clinging remains of his hair. (Celebrity Mound)

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September 10, 2007

2007 VMAs = Very Mundane Awards

So the VMAs were last night. And in between stifled yawns and many, many glasses of Arbor Mist (it's like juice--but with booze!), we made a few observations. First, Beyoncé's boobs are really jiggly. Sarah Silverman is still not funny just because she's mean (AND she has now made us feel sympathy for Paris Hilton TWICE, and for that she must pay). We are old and completely out of touch and have no idea who this Chris Brown fellow is, but boy can dance (though he can't lip sync worth a damn). Kid Rock and Tommy Lee need to chill the fuck out; we're sure Pammy would still screw them both so there's no need to fight over who gets the privilege. Some people were walking around with little silver statues, but we're not sure why; maybe they were cool new accessories, like Kanye West's sunglasses. Dr. Dre looked like he shopped for his awards-show duds in the closet of either Hans or Franz. Rihanna's dress was really, really tight and her hair was inexplicably awesome.

Paris Hilton's dress was really, really tight and her hair was explicably horrendous--but still a lovely tribute to Florence Henderson.

The part of Jennifer Garner was filled by her Madame Tussaud's wax figure--and had really awful hair.

And we feel like there was something else we were going to mention. God. What was it? There is nothing left in our head concerning last night's awards ceremony. Did something else happen? We just can't remember.

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September 05, 2007

"Is It Cool To Have Sex in Here?"

You'd think a man with a fully operational Starbucks in his kitchen would have somewhere in his house to screw. But sometimes a boy just can't wait to get home to give his girl a bone. Page Six reports:

TATTOOED rocker Tommy Lee will hook up just about anywhere and with anyone. Lee's raunchy bar behavior grossed out a room full of revelers at Dune in the Hamptons on Sunday night when the Motley Crue drummer and a blond party girl "were flat-out [bleep]ing" on a banquette, according to multiple witnesses. One told us, "When Tommy walked in, he asked, 'Is it cool to have sex in here?' The hostess thought he was kidding, but . . . then he just went to town with this girl. We were trying not to pay attention because it was so disgusting." A rep for Lee told us, "this story is not true."

We fully expect to see Tommy Lee use this same tactic every few days from now on. He'll saunter into a Barnes & Noble, approach a clerk, and ask, "Is it cool to have sex in here?" before reclining his lady on one of the benches in the magazine section and introducing his bookworm to her pube-lication.

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August 03, 2007

Pam Anderson: Clowned by Camera

We've long suspected that Pamela Anderson isn't exactly Stephen Hawking or Einstein or Marilyn vos Savant. Dunno why. Dunno what it is. Just a funny hunch. As it turns out, we may not be too far off the mark. Pam recently appeared on Tom Green's internet talk show, and when a caller asked her how to break into the adult film industry, Pam answered,

"Just marry a rock star. Date a rock star and when they say there's no film in the camera, there really is!"

Well, when you're up against a staggering intellectual powerhouse like Tommy Lee, something like this is bound to happen. "Here, honey, point your tang at the camera. Just for fun, there's no film in it."

"Okay!"

"Now let me just bring out a klieg light and put the camera on a dolly to get a nice zoom shot of you smoking my hog."

"But you said there wasn't any film in it!"

"There isn't, baby, I swear."

"Okay!"

Just a word to the wise--if he's using anything more sophisticated than a Disney Viewmaster with scenes from Pinnochio, there's film in the camera. Has One Tree Hill taught us nothing? more »

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July 12, 2006

CNW Junk Drawer: Clueless; Clothesless

• Jessica Simpson, in a bikini, on vacation. She's taking great care to conceal her crotch behind various objects, which can only mean one thing: BABY BUMP! Just kidding, she probably forgot to shave.

• Ever wonder what goes on behind the closed doors at a high-powered meeting in which executives get together with the Olsen twins to discuss their next line of clothing/cosmetics/cereal/handbags? Tareytons, is what. Cartons and cartons and cartons of Tareytons.

• Take a stick of raw linguine, dye it paper-bag brown, glue a Crystal Barbie wig to the top of it and two half coconut shells halfway down, and what do you get? Victoria Beckham.

• Jennifer Ellison wears panties that show her clam. Her pussyclam.

• Big fluffy hair was cool in the '80s; Tommy Lee sported the look well into the '90s. And now that it's 2006, Tommy Lee has finally moved on to last decade, showing off some highly sweet tribal tattoos paired with Manic Panic hair. Luckily, huge dongs never go out of style.

• The Curious Birth of Suri No Middle Name Cruise: the legend continues.

• Jackie Chan, all hopped up on Seagram's Golden Wine Coolers, causes a rumpus at a concert. We'd expect that kind of behavior from a McConaughey or a Sutherland, but that nice Chan boy?

• Alyssa Milano wants to create a line of women's sports fan gear. Which, if her shirt is any indication, will involve lots of pastel smocking and rainbow beads. Go team!

• Stacey Dash, naked in Playboy. Not a Monet.

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June 29, 2006

Josh & Tommy: Stolen Punches

We always suspected that Josh Duhamel was about as sane as Judy Garland at an all-you-can-swallow pharmacy. His choice of Fergie pee pee pants as his "girl"friend pretty much proves some sort of chemical imbalance. But picking a fight with Tommy Lee? His penis could knock you clear across the room and he wouldn't even have to look up from his drink. more »

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November 23, 2005

CNW Junk Drawer: Paris's Stocking Not Big Enough for a Bentley

• Paris Hilton believed in Santa Claus until she was seventeen years old. Oh, how the tears must have flowed when she found out that it was actually her parents enjoying the milk and cookies and VD she'd been leaving out for Kris Kringle all those years.

• In addition to being a pedophile with a candy-striped dingdongulus, Michael Jackson is an anti-Semitic a-hole. Way to endear yourself to a sizeable chunk of your fan base. And the majority of the recording industry.

• Cindy Crawford says, "Listen, bitches. I've been at this whole 'posing wet and half naked with my mouth seductively parted' racket for over fifteen years now. Step aside, and let me show you galumphing elephants how it's done. Amateur hour is over, whores."

• Tommy Lee is such a damn cigarette fiend that he considered hiring a private jet to fly him to Jack Osbourne's birthday party, so he could smoke on the plane. Also, he hates airport security because his wallet chain sets off alarms. Poor Tommy, seemingly unaware that a wallet is not a part of the body, and a wallet chain is not an unremoveable piercing.

• Christina Aguilera dons the best in 1987 wedding gear. Mazel tov to the newlyweds!

• Charlize Theron in a bikini, just because.

• They're on! They're off! They're on again! They're fucking the nanny! Fucking Bond! Fighting! Crying! Breaking up! Together again! Listen, Jude and Sienna. Pick something and stick with it. Either get married, or set each other on fire. Just shit or get off the pot, please.

• Little Sean Preston Federspears makes his official pictorial debut in People magazine. He's got his father's looks. Hopefully he has his mother's brain. Er, maybe we mean father's brain. No, not that either. Shit, that kid is screwed.

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November 17, 2005

This Week in Celebrity Couplings: Who's Porking Who

There's a chill in the air and the holidays are nearly upon us, so naturally celebrities are pairing off and trying to keep warm with marathon humping sessions. Hey, it's more practical than padding their bodies with a healthy layer of fat for insulation and risk landing only roles as the perpetually single friend of the slim and sexy star. We've got engagements between Nicole Kidman and a non-Kenny Chesney country star and Kimberly Stewart and some dude from some MTV show that our fourteen-year-old cousin really likes, Leonardo DiCaprio filling his Gisele void with some saggy Kirsten Dunst tit, and oh so much more. more »

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July 06, 2005

Tommy Lee Too Lazy for Porn

So you’ve probably seen Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee’s homemade sex tape. And you were probably trying very hard to keep your eyes focused on Pammy and not let any Mötley Crüe man-meat enter your line of vision. Well, lucky for you Tommy has decided against a career in porn. Because pretending to go to college while being filmed is just so much easier and more lucrative. more »

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May 26, 2005

Tara and Tommy: First Comes Love, Second Comes Marriage . . .

Ridiculously large, hard-as-Dr.-Feelgood breast implants? Check. Television show on cable network no one watches that is a thinly veiled excuse to see said implants with minimal coverage? Check. Possible engagement to Tommy Lee? Check. Tara Reid's transformation into Pamela Anderson is just about complete. All she needs now are a couple of kids named after 90210 characters and a boycott of KFC. more »

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April 29, 2005

Tommy Lee: The Next Eddie Murphy

We will now bow to our own personal God, Femalefirst.com, for bringing us a headline so perfect in every way that it doesn't even need elaboration: "Tommy Lee Seduces a Transvestite." more »

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CNdb: Tommy Lee Review