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filed under: Tom Cruise

June 10, 2008

Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Barley Water! Arrrgh!

tom cruise bald fat suit.jpg "Avast, yon lily-livered L. Ron followers! You be under attack! Hand over all your booty and doubloons! We be wantin' all your e-meters and copies of Dianetics or it's Davy Jones' Locker for you!" Or, in English, pirates are threatening to attack Scientologists! According to The New York Daily News:
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes should avoid takin' a cruise with the Scientologists this summer on threat of being sacked by pirates!

Crazy anti-Scientology vigilante group "Anonymous," which has been attacking the church and Cruise on YouTube, is stepping up its antics, promising to launch "Operation: Sea Arrrgh," an attack on Scientology's Sea Organization, the elite arm of the church that operates a ship called MV Freewinds.

The protesters, who claim they stay under the radar to protect themselves from church backlash, are peppering media outlets with promises they'll accost the Sea Organization all summer long, all pirate-style, in their latest attempt to expose the underbelly of the celebrity religion.

Yikes. If only Johnny Depp was a Scientologist, everything would be okay.
When Tom Cruise was told that a band of pirates was planning on attacking MV Freewinds, he threw some topsiders and a captain's hat in his duffel bag and immediately set out for the sea, giddily exclaiming, "Oh, I'm so excited! We're getting attacked by butt pirates! I've always wanted to meet one. We'll have so much fun!" more »
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May 01, 2008

Katie Holmes Goes to Camp

tomkathold.jpgWhen we last left Katie Holmes, she was entertaining the idea of possibly taking a short jaunt to New York City to star in a Broadway play for a change of scenery. That obviously went over really well with husband Tom Cruise, because he sent her away for a nice spa weekend. A nice spa weekend at Scientology HQ, with manicure of bamboo under the fingernails and facials of water torture. Scoops Star:
Katie was recently secluded for three days at Gold Base, the remote, supersecret Scientology compound in Hemet, Calif., where she was put through a demanding schedule. "It included various tests, confession sessions, tons of reading and physically challenging purification processes," a Scientology insider reveals. "Tom insists that auditing and purification practices are incredibly beneficial to Scientologists at all levels." Katie's intensive Scientology training and treatments have been accelerated in recent weeks, says another source, because she wanted to go to New York City without Tom to star in a Broadway play. But Tom stepped in and put the kibosh on her plans. And now Katie's been going in for a series of intensive auditing sessions, some which have lasted for 36 hours straight - with little sleep or food."
We're not sure which part of this story is less plausible, the physically challenging purification processes or the fact that Scientology has a super-secret evil lair. Is it hidden in the side of a mountain or in the bottom of the ocean? Is it overseen by L. Ron Hubbard's reanimated brain, which hisses, "I'll get you next time, Holmes! Next time!" while stroking MAD Cat? more »
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April 29, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: She's Still Got (T)it!

elizabeth_hurley_cleavage_wow.jpgElizabeth Hurley's colossal cleavage never seems to age. Baffling! (The Blemish)

Amy Winehouse and her imprisoned husband: they're either going to be "together forever", or she's cheating on him and will be forced to give him three million dollars. Either way, she's screwed. (Female First)

Tom Cruise was once Cher's bagel boy. And by that, we mean he spread his cream on her hole. Wait, no. The other way around. (Hollywood Grind)

• 'Scuse me while I kiss this dong. Move over, Marilyn, it's the Jimi Hendrix sex tape! Does he play a right-handed vagina left-handed? Watch and find out.(I Don't Like You In That Way)

• Disney says that we won't be seeing much of Miley Cyrus in the wake of her "nude" photo "controversy". Unless she's in a full body condom with a scarlet letter on it. (The Hollywood Gossip)

• Hulk Hogan uses suntan oil . . . to lube up daughter Brooke Hogan's crotch? Miley, what have you wrought with your suggestive posing and infectious pop grooves? The whole world's gone crazy! (Drunken Stepfather)

Leah Remini's daughter is an asshole. (Derek Hail)

• When John Travolta notices that his new facial hair configuration looks like two porn star landing strips, he will squeal, "Ew, get it off, get it offffff!" (Yeeeah!)

Keeley Hazell. Dancing. In her undies. (Holy Taco)

• Former Full House fox Lori Loughlin joins the cast of the new improved 90210. It's like 1990 all over again. (Hollywire)
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April 22, 2008

Frog Worshipers, Tom Cruise OK with Madonna

madonna wears a powdered wig.jpg Sure, people talk a lot of smack on Scientology, but they're usually godless heathens who don't believe in anything. A person of true faith is about to set the record straight: Tom Cruise is no cuckoo for thinking that his body is host to ancient aliens or some gobbledygook. He's just a normal person of religion who is persecuted. Just like Jesus. And orphans. So tell it like it is, Madonna:
I don't care if people worship turtles or frogs - if they're good people, that's all I care about, and he (Cruise) is a good person.

I think he gets a raw deal, just as I think the orphans in Malawi get a raw deal; just as I think a lot of marginalised people get a raw deal.
Those are some sage words coming from a woman who believes that a piece of string will ward off the evil of the universe. But we don't think millionaire movie star Tom Cruise being made fun of for believing in theatans and emeters is anywhere near the same thing as orphans getting a "raw deal." See, he's just gullible; they HAVE NO PARENTS. There's not much hope that they'll snap out of that anytime soon. more »
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April 17, 2008

Katie Holmes Attempts to Break Free of Cruisean Shackles

tom_thumb_giant_katie.jpgIt's been nigh on a fortnight since we've heard any news about the bangs-sporting, marathon-faking, lift-wearing entity known as TomKat. It seems that the formerly ubiquitous gossip stories about Katie Holmes crying and staring forlornly out of tower windows, Rapunzel-style, have been overtaken by ones about Heidi Montag's favorite brand of mustard, so we're delighted to bring you today's tale, courtesy of Star:
According to our sources, Katie, who was offered a role on Broadway, is trying to break away from her controlled life under the watchful eyes of her husband and move to Manhattan in what will be a sort of trial separation.

"She desperately needs to be on her own for a while, but there's no way Tom Cruise is going to let her take Suri away," an insider tells Star. "There's no way he'll allow it. He just doesn't want Katie — or Suri — out of his sight for long. He told her that if she goes to New York, fine, but he goes with her."
Tom's just jealous. Because he would love to go away to New York. Just go and . . . romp . . . and play . . . and just . . . do that. There are times he'd like to do that. But he can't because . . . he knows. He knows. more »
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April 04, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Eatin' Kids, Beatin' Pigs

hayden_child.jpg• Bite-sized Heroes star Hayden Panettiere volunteered at World Children's Day, where she proceeded to devour all the babies under age two and pick her teeth with their discarded, semi-gnawed rib bones. (The Blemish)

• Even when you take away her hand-held communication devices and remove her from the vicinity of assistants, Naomi Campbell will come out swinging and hissing and--yes--spitting. (Yeeeah!)

Brandon Davis, alias "Greasy Bear", aka "Fat Elvis", is no longer anti-Firecrotch. He's decided he hates black people and gays way more. (TMZ)

Angelina Jolie at a nubile sixteen! Before the blood, the Brad, the Billy Bob, the babies there was . . . really unflattering 1990s bathing suits with curious sheer cut-outs? (Egotastic)

Mena Suvari's crapper is delectable in a thong. Do we mean "butt" or "toilet"? Click here to find out the shocking answer! (Drunken Stepfather)

Anne Hathaway's boyfriend was arrested for bouncing a $250,000 check. Aw, that could happen to anyone. Oh, wait, we though that said "$2.50 check". (Celeb Warship)

• Who wears assless shorts? Gisele Bundchen wears assless shorts. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

• I got fingered by Megan Fox (and it felt like a kiss). (Hollywood Tuna)

• Lucky Kristen Bell gets to pose on the cover of Cosmopolitan next to the blurb "When Your Boobs Act Weird". (Daily Stab)

Jerry Seinfeld flipped his car. He's OK though, so we can all have a hearty guffaw or whatever. (Holy Taco)

Cameron Diaz is looking very Amazonian in GQ. (Bitten and Bound)

Tom Cruise takes Suri to the playground. Not to play, though. To have a series discussion about SPs and OC Clears. (A Socialite's Life)

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February 01, 2008

Selma Blair's Cruise Intentions

selma blair crappy hair.jpg Here we thought Suri was the follicular trend setter in the Cruise family, but it turns out that Tommy has a 'do admirer in Selma Blair. According to The San Francisco Chronicle:
Actress Selma Blair regrets chopping off her long hair -- because she is regularly mistaken for Hollywood actor Tom Cruise.

The actress, who currently sports a brunette cropped bob, is fed up of being likened to Cruise.

She says, "I had long hair for a while. Almost down to my waist but I wanted to go back to my Tom Cruise cut. I told my hairdresser to shave the back and leave the front long.

"Then someone thought I was Tom from the back. I guess I'd better wear heels."
Oh, honey, we don't think high heels would do much to set you apart from Tom. Maybe ditching that copy of Dianetics and taking off your "I Really, Really Love Vaginas. No, Seriously, I Do" T-shirt will do more to stop the Cruise confusion.
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January 30, 2008

Just How Much Frozen Hubbard Sperm Is the Celebrity Center Hoarding?

katie holmes pregnant basketball.jpg Break out your Swarovski-studded celebratory e-meters and get ready to party like it's Xenu's last stand, cause Katie Holmes is baking up super baby overlord number 2! Whooooo! The Sydney Morning Herald reports:
Katie Holmes has fuelled rumours she is pregnant by buying a "Big Sister" t-shirt for daughter Suri.

The Batman Begins star visited Los Angeles baby boutique Petit Tresor with Suri - her 21-month-old daughter with husband Tom Cruise - where she spent over $2000 on baby clothes.

A source said: "Katie ordered loads of cute girlie spring dresses for Suri.

But she also bought a pink t-shirt which said 'Big Sister' and two matching romper suits, one which said 'Little Sister' and one which said 'Little Brother'."
Way to jump on a trend there, Katie. What's next, exhaustion? Rehab? Tights as pants?

One definite upside to Katie's festering fetus is another career hiatus, as her recent return to work wasn't too successful. And she's pissed. Reports Woman's Day (via Celebitchy):
A distraught Katie Holmes has stormed out of a crisis meeting with her husband Tom Cruise, furious over damaging publicity about his Scientology beliefs, and humiliated over the disastrous reaction to the movie he told her to make.

The actress is said to be inconsolable after a string of leaked Scientology videos, featuring her husband saluting a portrait of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard, declaring war on psychiatry and claiming that members of his religion are “the only ones who can really help” accident victims, have flooded the Internet and divided Hollywood.

“Oh, I’m going hard on those guys and their reign … psychiatrists,” says Tom in one disturbing video. “It’s disgusting to me. No mercy … none. Psychiatry doesn’t work… When you study the effects, it’s a crime against humanity.” … after this new scandal she can no longer ignore the Hollywood backlash.
Ugh, whatever. Who is Katie to complain? Before Tommy came along she was starring in First Daughter. Sure, she had a major part in a huge superhero movie that people actually liked, but really you could have put a chaise lounge in the part with pretty much the same effect. And now she's one of the biggest stars in the world, and the only effort she has to make is to restrain herself from screaming "Save me! He makes me drink pigeon blood every night!" while shoe shopping at Barney's. We'd say that's an okay trade-off. Who needs hit movies when you've got Paris fashion week with Posh?
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January 23, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: No, No, No. Ella, Ella, Ella.

Heath+Ledger.jpegHeath Ledger's autopsy proved to be "inconclusive". (The Hollywood Gossip)

• However, cops are saying that drug packets were found in his room, along with a $20 bill rolled up in a "suspicious" fashion. Maybe it was origami-folded into the shape of Snidely Whiplash! (TMZ)

• Possibly the last picture of Heath taken (very Depp!), on the set of his movie, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. Which sounds like a poor man's Dr. Magorium's Wonder Imporium. (Derek Hail)

Sylvester Stallone says that he's nothing but a "tiny fairy". Don't do 'roids, kids. (FemaleFirst)

• The fat kid from Stand By Me is not only married to Rebecca Romijn, he does a high-larious Tom Cruise iimpression. (Yeeeah!)

Keeley Hazell is pretty. She has big breasts. Let us gaze upon her image and swell with joy and erectile tissue. (Popoholic)

• Whoops! Guess she said "no, no, no" after all. Fantastic, we wouldn't have wanted her to harm the integrity of her hit single. (A Socialite's Life)

Rihanna, half naked, covered in water. Insert obligatory "Umbrella" joke. (Cityrag)

• Attention, France! Your do not have supermodel-singer Carla Bruni as a first lady. Haha, France! In your face! You lose! Although you do produce very delicious breads and cheeses and berets. We'll give you that much, France. (Celeb Warship)

• Here is a list of Oscar nominations. Not only are we witty and rich and can bench 550 pounds, we're helpful, too! (Allie Is Wired)

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January 17, 2008

More Tom Cruise Xenu Videos: Now Even Wilder; Woolier

cruise_thumb.jpgOur Tom Cruise Scientological Claptrap Video story has proven to be the most popular of 2008 Q1 (said vid has been removed from YouTube, but you can still watch it at Gawker), so we felt it was only right and natural to bring you the other sections of the bone-chillingly riveting ceremony. LISTEN with rapture as the overzealous announcer gives a five minute introduction proclaiming Tom to be the best OT Clear who has ever graced our humble planet with his presence! WATCH in wonder as Tom salutes the giant, Lenin-esque portrait of L. Ron Hubbard staring down upon his gullible minions! OBSERVE utter hilarity as Tom Cruise is proven to be the one man who can--and did!--save New York City after 9/11!

And the chuckles don't stop there, folks. According to Celebitchy, some folks now think that Katie Holmes faked her fabled New York Marathon finish, and that she actually had someone run it for her. We saw that on an episode of According to Jim once. You know, we thought something was a little suspicious when Katie crossed that finish line in a zero-support shelf-bra tank top with no sign of blood or nip chafing in sight. Christ, even Pete Doherty's been guarding his perky B-cups with an underwire Olga.
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January 16, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Leg-Spreading and Fetus-Getting

Eva_Mendes_Cleavage.jpg• Cleava Mendes. (Drunken Stepfather)

• "Dear Brad Renfro. We came over to fuck you but you were dead. Love, Tiffany and Amber." Rest in peace, Brad. (Fatback and Collards)

• We want to "LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!!!!", honestly we do, but we just can't when she keeps flipping us her outer labes. (Taxi Driver)

Jenna Jameson swears that she will "never spread her legs" for the porn industry again. She will spread Philadelphia's whipped strawberry cream cheese, though. It's the wonderfully spreadable, sweetly fruity topping with only 60 calories per serving! (IDLYITW)

Alessandra Ambrosio caught Pregnant, too. (The Blemish)

Zac Efron was rushed to the emergency room for an emergency highlighting. Those buttery chunks ain't gonna streak themselves. (Derek Hail)

• Lumps on Halle Berry's torso: now there are three. (Daily Stab)

• "Now that bulbs flashing more than ever/You can see under my dress, fellas. Ellas. Ellas. Ay. Ay." (Cityrag)

Jennifer Garner may have been the original target of Tom's Cruise missile of love. (Superficial)

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January 15, 2008

Tom Cruise Talks and Talks, But the Only Thing That Comes Out Is Verbal Crazy

tom cruise butter teeth.jpg We like to pride ourselves on knowing our readers. We know you love knockers and large asses and flashed gash and anything involving Paris Hilton looking stupid or Britney Spears looking crazy. We also know that an unusually high percentage of you are sustained coma survivors. Many of you have only recently reentered the world of the mobile after ten or twenty years of unconsciousness, and naturally you turn to us for updates on pop culture. So for those of you who still think that Tom Cruise is a cocky little go-getter married to a huge-tittied lady, we regret to inform you that he is now a cocky little cult member married to a brainwashed former teen melodrama star. And here's over nine minutes of cuckoo nutso rambling to prove it (video via Celebitchy).



Watching that made us feel like we'd just woken up from a twenty-year coma and landed in Blade Runner. KSW? SPs? We have no idea what the hell the little man is talking about. And by the end of it we felt it was sort of like listening to Sabbath backward; we heard sounds, but they didn't really add up to words, just subliminal messages about "our leader" and "thetans" and "e-meters". We were only able to snap out of the trance when Tommy slipped in an ode to Heidi Klum when he pronounced "You're either in or you're out." We hope an executive at Bravo sees this and is hit with the inspiration for Project Scientologist, where young L. Ron followers compete to reach higher and higher Operating Thetan levels.
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January 07, 2008

Shocking New Book Alleges Tom Cruise Is Wacky Cult Leader

tom cruise gives the thumbs up.jpg So you know all those things you've heard about Tom Cruise being a crazy loony mental patient who does nothing all day but mutter under his breath "I love L. Ron. L. Ron is God" and stare at the author's photo on the back of Dianetics? Someone said, "What the hell, I can sell that" and wrote a book. Finally, we can claim to have more journalistic integrity than someone. PageSix.com reports:
A new book by Princess Diana's biographer makes some astonishing claims about Tom Cruise and the hold that Scientology has over every aspect of his life.

In Tom Cruise: An Unauthorized Biography, Andrew Morton launches an extraordinary attack on the Top Gun star — and on those closest to him, including his little daughter, Suri.

The U.K.'s Daily Mail has revealed some of the more scandalous allegations that Morton makes in the book:

* Tom's daughter with Katie Holmes, Suri, was conceived like Rosemary's Baby, a film "in which an unsuspecting young woman is impregnated with the Devil's child." Morton claims that some "fanatical" Scientologists believe that Suri is the result of a sperm donation by Scientology's dead founder, L. Ron Hubbard.

* Morton implies that Scientology executives contributed to the failure of Tom's marriage to Nicole Kidman. He writes that because Nicole's father was a psychologist (a science said to be frowned upon by the religion) and that she had given an interview emphasizing her roots as a Catholic that she would "compromise Tom's commitment to his faith." When the couple split in 2000, Morton claims that Nicole was worried that she might not be able to see the two children the couple had adopted (Isabella and Conor). He also states that she was worried that her Scientology "audit" tapes, which contained details of her sex life, might be leaked if she spoke out. * The author says that Penelope Cruz's father, Eduardo, feared that his daughter would be drawn into a "cult" while she dated her Vanilla Sky co-star, and "emailed an organization devoted to helping cult members and their families."

* Morton says that Tom's current mission is to recruit David and Victoria Beckham. The 45-year-old took Scientology leader David Miscavige to a Real Madrid game in 2004 and when the Beckhams moved to Los Angeles in July last year, he threw them a celebratory party.

Tom's longtime lawyer Bert Fields spoke to the Daily Mail about the book, describing it as "a pack of lies." He said that the tome is "poorly researched and badly written, and it's not really even about Tom Cruise — it's an attack on Scientology." He also said that Morton hasn't spoken to him, Tom's mother, sister, Paula Wagner (Tom's producing partner), his agent, wives, David Beckham, Will Smith, Jennifer Lopez or any of the famous directors he's worked with.

While the book isn't being published in the U.K., readers in the U.S. will have a chance to judge for themselves when it is published Stateside on January 15.
What, that's it? What's so scandalous about that? It doesn't even mention anything about Katie Holmes's contract or about the eighteen-year-old rent boy Tom keeps hidden in the basement (we may have made up that last one, but we have the Mortonian spirit this morning). If you're going to pick a pack of unsubstantiated rumors to populate your trashy book, why not pick the really interesting ones? We already know that Tom is culty crazy number two and that he wants the Beckhams to help his recruiting efforts. This is pretty boring stuff. That's why in our unauthorized Tom Cruise biography (TK as soon as why can find good blackmail material on a Random House staffer, hopefully spring '09) we'll focus on Tom and Katie's sham relationship, her big payoff, and the possibility that either former Katie schtupper Chris Klein or Tommy cousin and Lost creepy William Mapother is actually Suri's dad, with special totally fictional drawings of what we assume Katie's nightly lockdown looks like (a windowless room, leg shackles--which would explain all those wide-legged pants--and an endless supply of celery sticks and Scientological literature).
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December 20, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: David Silver's Best Gal

megan_fox_tongue.jpgMegan Fox seems to have misplaced her shirt. We all win! (Egotastic!)

Brad Pitt thinks that orphans come from his anus. (Allie Is Wired)

Britney's not the only one who enjoys mama's lollipops in front of Sean and JJ. Only Daddy's lollipops come in a pretty glass container and smell funny. (Yeeeah!)

Fergie is coming clean about her dirtied drawers. (Cityrag)

Ashley Tisdale's new nose gives you glad tidings. (Drunken Stepfather)

Britney proves she owns undies. (Taxi Driver)

Tony Parker is not just French, he's litigious. Doubly obnoxious! (Daily Stab)

Tom Cruise's older children call Katie Holmes "Mom". They call Tom "Intergalactic Overlord Patriarchal Cyborg Unit #6599202B". (Celebitchy)

Tara Reid sports a bikini. And what appears to be Ashton Kutcher's trucker hat from 2002. (The Blemish)

Monica Bellucci has thingies. They're, like, round things. Kind of pinkish? They're a little bit below her collarbone. You know, whosiwhatsits. (Hollywood Tuna)

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November 15, 2007

Tom Cruise Is a Hitler Killer, Hefner Player

tom cruise valkyrie costume.jpg First we're going to assault your brain with a concept that will infest its every corner, forever poisoning you against another hazily-lit pictorial of a fake-boobed blonde partially covered in organza. According to The Palm Beach Post:
There could be an unusual role in Tom Cruise’s future: Playboy founder Hugh Hefner. I’m told by a SoFla-based movie insider that the 45-year-old star of Mission: Impossible and the upcoming Valkyrie is now eyeing the role of the sexual revolutionary Hef in a biopic set to start filming at Universal Pictures next year.

Miami Beach product Brett Ratner (X-Men 3 and Rush Hour 3) got the Playboy director’s job after Oliver Stone lost it and has sent the script to Cruise.

Word is that Cruise is tickled by the project, although no decision has been made.

“A lot of people consider Tom for a lot of roles,” a Cruise publicist said.
Somehow we don't think Tom's choices in characterization would fit with the pic. Unless in his private life Hugh Hefner actually screeches like a girl and yells, "Ew, boobies!" when presented with a naked lady.

And now we will assault your senses of sight and sound with the trailer for Tommy's upcoming film Let's Kill Us Some Hitler. No, that's not right. Valkyrie. It's called Valkyrie.



What kind of weak-ass Nazi movie is that? Where are the thigh-high boots, blonde ice queens, and lesbians? In short, where's Ilsa? And where is Tom Cruise's German accent?
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November 14, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: Gimme Moore (in a Bikini)

Demi_Moore_Bikini.jpgDemikini. Bidemi? Moorekini. (Drunken Stepfather)

Amy Winehouse plans to heal from her husband's arrest by backpacking through India. Yeah, there is absolutely nothing funny about that sentence. Nothing mockable there, no siree. (Socialite's Life)

Tom Cruise sure can cut a rug, boy! Look at 'im jitterbug! He's doin' the Lindy Hop! Go, Tom! (Cityrag)

• Ladies and gentleman, the greatest film ever made: Major Movie Star, with Jessica Simpson. It's like Glitter meets Private Benjamin meets a gigantic BM. (Derek Hail)

• A lady beat up John Stamos on an airplane. Which was well-deserved; he had a hand in "Kokomo". (IMDb/WENN)

Paris rubbing her person on a pole. Such is her wont. (Egotastic!)

Lindsay Lohan is back to hanging out with her former element. The bad element. The lesbian element. No, wait, that's the good element. (Yeeeah!)

• Hey, look, it's a bunch of Victoria's Secret chippies dressed up like the Pink Ladies. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

Brad and Angelina buy a man-made island in the shape of Ethiopia. Man-made? How gauche, that's like the cubic zirconia of islands. That said, we'll take one in the shape of a middle finger flipping off France. Yeah, buddy! USA! USA! USA! (CelebWarship)

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November 05, 2007

Katie Holmes Still Can't Run Fast Enough to Escape

katie holmes new york marathon.jpg We're a bit confused with this whole "Katie Holmes ran the New York Marathon" thing. We see pictures of her nearly every day. And she's always dressed in Chanel or some such, tweeds and heels and wide-legged pants. Never have we seen jogging shoes or anything containing spandex. But supposedly she'd been training for the race for three months. Is the Cruise compound so huge that they have a simulated marathon course on the grounds? And are the compound's restrictive walls completely impenetrable, even to the telephoto lens? But no matter, she did it. Perhaps through the miracle of L. Ron's undying love. IMDB reports:
Actress Katie Holmes wowed runners at the New York Marathon on Sunday when she joined them en route, unannounced. Wearing the number F127, a baseball cap, purple vest and black leggings, the Batman Begins star looked like any other runner on the 26.2 mile race route. But her anonymity ended when proud husband Tom Cruise - holding the couple's daughter Suri in his arms - insisted on a kiss as Holmes hit the final stretch of the marathon in Central Park. The actress completed the marathon with a final time of five hours, 29 minutes and 58 seconds. Looking as fresh as she did when she started the marathon, superfit Holmes was overheard giggling, "Here I am baby, signed, sealed, delivered, I'm yours," as she ran into her husband's arms at the finish line. Proud Cruise revealed, "She's very inspired. She trained for three months."
"Signed, sealed, delivered, I'm yours"? Do the Cruises only speak to each other in song clichés? Did Tom then break into a medley of "I Ran," "I Will Always Love You," and "Mr. Roboto"? We have a suspicion that if Katie's contract gets renewed and they remain a couple into their golden years they will be the types who only refer to each other as Mother and Father and wear matching holiday sweatshirts. Although it's also possible that by that point Katie will be so sick of being married to a cracked closet case that she'll just be the old lady in layers and layers of diamonds who always has a martini in her hand. more »
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October 17, 2007

Suri Spoiled by Scientology

suri sneaks stealthily.jpg Have you ever wondered what's involved in a Scientological upbringing? Do you think it's all 18-hour auditing sessions and "yes master"s and "I denounce my thetans" and "I did not see Daddy tongue kissing John Travolta in the herb garden"? US Weekly assures us that it's, oh, so much more.
Everyone knows that Suri Cruise, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ adorable little daughter, leads a charmed existence but her upbringing as a Scientologist remains largely a mystery. How does the religion started by L. Ron Hubbard influence Suri’s life on a daily basis?

Us Weekly has learned that while Suri -- who as a baby was breastfed and nursed on a mixture of barley water, milk and corn syrup which Hubbard advocated as being healthier than formula and breast milk -- is too young to take classes at the Scientology Centre, the 18-month-old is constantly surrounded by believers, including her two nannies.

“Tom doesn’t like associating with people who aren’t Scientologists,” says an insider.

Additionally, Holmes, 29, and Cruise, 45, have a hard time saying no to Suri. But it’s not simply because they’re pushovers.

“It’s all about being positive and supportive,” says the couple’s friend (Hubbard advised parents to “try to be the child’s friend.”) As for discipline, one former church member tells Us that Scientologists do not scold their children, but instead explain that bad behavior (like throwing a toy) is the “wrong action.” (A Scientology rep tells Us, “How a parent disciplines their child is left up to the parent.”)

Cruise and Holmes, says their pal, are very lenient and do not like to give Suri too many rules: “Suri pretty much does whatever she wants, whenever she wants. If she fusses before bed, they let her stay up later. If they want her to go swimming and she cries, they’ll take her out. If she whines about food, they’ll ask her what else she wants to eat. They always want to please her.”
So Suri's growing up wearing $500 Chanel diapers, drinking the infant version of Red Bull, and never hearing the word no. We're just going to start calling her Veruca Salt right now in preparation.
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September 26, 2007

Tom Cruise: Fart Nazi

tomgrinz.jpgTom Cruise is presently in Berlin wrapping up the filming of Valkyrie, a flicker what deals with anti-Nazi activists during World War II. And although the concentration camps have been long since closed, someone on set made his own gas chamber--while observing a moment of silence before filming, an unnamed crew member honked forth a loud, flappy fart. Our gossip fairy godmother, Female First, reports:
Fellow star Christian Berkel - who plays anti-Hitler plotter Albrecht Mertz von Quirbheim - said: "The film's director Bryan Singer, the screenplay writer Christopher McQuarrie and Tom Cruise asked us all to observe a moment's silence shortly before we started filming."

A source on the set added to Britain's Daily Star newspaper: "Fortunately the mystery gassy man didn't completely ruin the touching gesture. Quite rightly, Tom is furious. We were filming at the Bendler Block in Germany where the anti-Nazis were executed. So for somebody to pass wind in a situation like that is unforgivable."

The silence was filmed and now Cruise and the producers will go through the footage to identify the culprit, who is likely to be fired.
Disrespectful? Yes. Hilarious? Definitely. Farting = superior comedy. Especially hilarious when you picture Tom Cruise reprising his A Few Good Men role in his tireless quest to find out who cut the cheese. "I want the toot!" "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TOOT!" more »
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September 25, 2007

Tom Cruise Baking "Welcome to the Neighborhood" Snickerdoodles for Xenu

tom cruise gives thumbs up.jpg Get ready, children, Xenu is coming! He's gonna do stuff and kill things and be mean and it'll be bad. But don't worry; all of L. Ron's work to warn us of the dangers of Xenu and the coming Apocalypse will not be in vain, thanks to Tom Cruise and his mountains and mountains of money and fortunate foresight. According to Star magazine (via Celebitchy):
Devout Scientologist Tom Cruise plans to build a $10 million bunker under his Telluride, Colorado, mansion, a source tells Star! Equipped with a high tech air-purifying system, “it’s a self-contained underground system where up to 10 people can survice for years.” Apparently, Scientologists believe that the evil deposed galatic [sic] ruler Xenu is set to attack Earth, and they’ll need a safe place to survive.
$10 million may seem like a lot of money to spend on a doomsday bunker, but when you think about all the advanced fertility equipment involved that will assure Tom that he can repopulate the earth without ever actually having to touch Katie's own underground bunker, it's quite a bargain.
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August 29, 2007

Camp Hubbard: Eradicating Thetans Since 1978 (Horseback Riding Since 1993)

tom and connor cruise.jpg Your summer camp experience probably included lots of impromptu booger-eating contests, making macramé Kleenex cosies for your mom, and trying to trick the girls into skinny-dipping. At Tom Cruise's kids' summer camp, they learn how to purge their bodies of alien impurities and earn enough money so that giving up sixty percent of your income to further L. Ron's message doesn't seem like a really big deal. Oh, and for those little boys who spend all their time in the crafts lodge bedazzling their scarf collection, there's a special workshop on suppressing your unnatural urges. more »
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August 08, 2007

French Law Prohibits Creepy in Nightclubs, Tomkat Denied

tom and katie jet ski.jpg In America there is a well-defined celebrity hierarchy. Your Kristin Cavallaris and your Kim Kardashians can get into clubs when there's room in the VIP section, but once a Lindsay or a Britney or a Paris arrives it's back to the Gap-clad masses with those other girls. But they do things a bit differently in France. Nothing short of the reanimated corpse of Maurice Chevalier will get a Frenchy to push aside a paying customer. Not even Tom and Katie. Our own personal bouncer, FemaleFirst, reports:
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were left red-faced after being refused entry to a St. Tropez nightclub on Friday (03.08.07).

The Hollywood couple were turned away from the Byblos Hotel's Caves Du Roi club after being told there was no room for them in the VIP area, where other stars including P. Diddy were already partying.

Club bouncers refused to let Tom and Katie into the club when they arrived at 11pm, despite pleas from the pair's security, who reportedly said: "Are you serious? It's Tom Cruise."

A club source explained: "The VIP area was full and the management weren't willing to move the guests already there to make room for Tom.

"It wouldn't have been fair - they'd spent a fortune."

A hotel spokeswoman confirmed they turned the pair away, adding: "It would have been dangerous to allow any more people in - no matter who they were."

Tom and Katie are said to have stormed off, making their way to the VIP Room club where owner Jean Roch immediately gave them their own table.
We might harbor a general disdain for Tom and his Scientological fervor in the States, but we've got nothing on Europe. Germany likes its thetans just fine, thanks, and won't let Tommy spread his e-meters on their soil, and France has seen what happens when the Cruises hear a bumpin' Will Smith song on the dance floor.
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August 02, 2007

Just What You've Always Wanted: Tomkat Naked

Sneaky Suri.jpg Tom Cruise. Katie Holmes. Nakedness.

This is it. This is how Tom Cruise is finally going to conquer the world and convert it to one massive Scientologist state. When non-Hubbardians gaze upon the naked, entwined forms of Tom and Katie sudden blindness and/or instant death will abound, leaving those of Tom's ilk to worship Xenu in peace. Faded Youth reports:
Could Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes be planning to follow in the footsteps of BFFs David and Victoria Beckham by doing a steamy photoshoot like their recent raunchy spread for W?

A friend of the couple tells Australia’s New Weekly magazine: “They have already started planning some of the photos. One suggestion they were keen on was a shot of them posing together in the shower, dripping wet and covered by nothing but steam.”

The new parents have so far kept a rather wholesome family image in Hollywood but they also want to show off a more sensual side of their relationship.

“Tom and Katie really have amazing chemistry,” says the pal. “They want to show the world how much.”
Due to the exceedingly disturbing nature of this story, we're choosing to pair it with a delightful picture of Suri Cruise because it reminds us that no matter how much evil and downright ickiness is involved in the Tomkat union, at least one pure, adorable thing has come of it, no matter what diabolical means went into her conception or birth. Plus, we have a severely dirty mind and don't trust ourselves to not picture Tom and Katie starkers if presented with a picture of the pair. And it's almost lunchtime.
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