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The Hollywood poop.
filed under: Teri Hatcher
December 05, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: The People vs. Teri's Piehole
Teri Hatcher is being sued over lip gloss. The American justice system: serious business. (CelebTV) Heather Mills (McCartney) shows off her strawberry fields, forever. Do you wanna hold her glands? You might have a hard day's night, though she appears to be giving everyone a ticket to ride, so let's all come together, etc. etc. and so forth. (I Don't Like You In That Way)
Cindy Crawford has cellulite. Whatever, like you wouldn't still masturbate with her discarded Kleenex. (Egotastic!)
Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty are making beautiful drugs together. No, wait, we mean beautiful drugs. Shit, not drugs, drugs. Ack! Beautiful music, is what we mean. Wait, no. No, we did mean drugs. (Yeeeah!)
Paris Hilton gets new lips; looks even more like Alice the Goon. (Derek Hail)
Megan Fox does the old Uncle Joey "cut! it! out!" (Cityrag)
John Maya is a str8 playa. (Daily Stab)
Scarjo did not chop up her nose, and if you say so, she will sue your ass. (Celebitchy)
Hayden Panettiere dons the 1989 soccer shorts; shows us her pegs. Make some sort of "score" or "goal" joke here, please. (Drunken Stepfather)
Porn star Mary Carey is auctioning off her recently removed breast implants. A "portion" of the proceeds will go to the Susan G. Komen breast cancer foundation. The rest of the proceeds will go towards abusive puppy mills, toddler sweatshops, and terrorism. (The Blemish)
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October 16, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Digging for Nuggets
Inspiring photo montage of Tara Reid in various stages of intoxication: the Sweaty Man-O-War, the Crotch Weeper, the Sunny Days Trailer Park Special, the Buttafuoco. (Cityrag) Teri Hatcher is a butt-picker. A picker of butts. (Taxi Driver)
New Kim Kardashian sex tape footage coming soon. In your pants. Get it? Get it? Get it? Huh? Do you get it? Did you get that joke? Huh? Get it? NADS! (The Hollywood Gossip)
Pamela Anderson is not pregnant, after all. Yeah, who cares, we have J. Lo to worry about now, babe, don't bother us. (GlossLip)
Hilary Duff is a serious actress. You can tell by her lacy half-leggings and erect nipples. (The Blemish)
Megan Fox is 3000% more attractive without drag queen makeup. Now, if only she could wash off the David Silver with some Pond's, we'd be set. (Drunken Stepfather)
Wow, Scarlett Johansson sure is ugly. Isn't she a dog? Just look at her. Yuck. Man. (Daily Stab)
Yikes, someone get Pete Doherty back on the drugs, pronto. (CelebWarship)
Slice your wrists, get the girl. Kate Hudson is willing to give Owen Wilson another shot. In love. What did you think we meant? Oh, in the arm? Hahahaha, that's kind of funny. Here, take the keyboard, friend. (Yeeeah!)
September 19, 2006
Teri Hatcher's Nipples Will Not Be Silenced
Go down, Teri Hatcher,
Way down in ABC-land;
Tell old Bob Iger
To let your nipples go.
When Teri Hatcher was in Desperate Housewives Land,
Let those nippos go.
Stiffened so hard and perky they could stand,
"Let my nipples go."
"Thus saith my yams," bold Teri said,
"Let my nipples go"
more »
Way down in ABC-land;
Tell old Bob Iger
To let your nipples go.
When Teri Hatcher was in Desperate Housewives Land,
Let those nippos go.
Stiffened so hard and perky they could stand,
"Let my nipples go."
"Thus saith my yams," bold Teri said,
"Let my nipples go"
more »
June 08, 2006
Teri's Chestberries: The World's Greatest Illusion
In this post, you will listen to Teri Hatcher talk about how she gets her boobs looking so highly flavorsome and how you--yes, you!--can also have sightly cleavage. Teri's breasts are pleasant and all, but when is she going to start talking about the positive characteristics of her hairy snatcher? And that, friends, is what we in the business call a "rhyme". Learn from the masters. more »
May 23, 2006
Teri Hatcher Desperate for Sex
Poor Teri Hatcher. As she is the last surviving single among her female Desperate Housewives co-stars, she must carry that "desperate" tag for all it's worth. And if that means giving the public the impression that she's on her hands and knees daily begging for sex, then so be it. more »
May 04, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: Dunstcrack!
Teri Hatcher deems her toes and nipples "suck-worthy". Just like her acting!
Evangeline Lilly blames Hollywood for forcing her to get really, really buff.
IF you want Rod Stewart's daughter's naked bo-dy, AND you think she's sex-y, COME on sugar, click right here.
Ashlee Simpson begins her slow, painful metamorphosis into her sister. First, the nose. Then comes the Jackass copulating.
Anna Nicole Smith climbed on top of an 89-year-old man, placed his shriveled, liver spotted member into her person, and is probably getting a billion dollars for the trouble. Now, possibly some dude has mounted Anna Nicole's shriveled, Trimspa-ravaged body, placed his member inside her person, impregnated her, and wants the ca$h. Ah, the circle of life.
Dunstcrack! Dunstcrack! Dunstcrack! Dunstcrack!!!
Eva Longoria talks about getting naked or doing it or something like that. In related news, bear shits in woods, Pope wears funny hat, etc. etc.
Denise Richards tries to shake off the shit-stink of husbandstealing assholism, turning the tables on Heather Locklear, saying, "Heather knows why we arent friends. Which sounds suspiciously like the now-classic "Nicole knows what she did."
Evangeline Lilly blames Hollywood for forcing her to get really, really buff.
IF you want Rod Stewart's daughter's naked bo-dy, AND you think she's sex-y, COME on sugar, click right here.
Ashlee Simpson begins her slow, painful metamorphosis into her sister. First, the nose. Then comes the Jackass copulating.
Anna Nicole Smith climbed on top of an 89-year-old man, placed his shriveled, liver spotted member into her person, and is probably getting a billion dollars for the trouble. Now, possibly some dude has mounted Anna Nicole's shriveled, Trimspa-ravaged body, placed his member inside her person, impregnated her, and wants the ca$h. Ah, the circle of life.
Dunstcrack! Dunstcrack! Dunstcrack! Dunstcrack!!!
Eva Longoria talks about getting naked or doing it or something like that. In related news, bear shits in woods, Pope wears funny hat, etc. etc.
Denise Richards tries to shake off the shit-stink of husbandstealing assholism, turning the tables on Heather Locklear, saying, "Heather knows why we arent friends. Which sounds suspiciously like the now-classic "Nicole knows what she did."
March 30, 2006
Meet the New TomKat: Hatchcrest!
Teri Hatcher and Ryan Seacrest, sittin' on the beach.
K-I-S-S-I-N-G
First comes bearding, second comes herpes
Then comes the coy denials followed by convenient photo ops followed by couch jumping followed by a quickie engagement and miracle alien baby gestating in Teri's womb for approximately 6 trimesters.
more »
K-I-S-S-I-N-G
First comes bearding, second comes herpes
Then comes the coy denials followed by convenient photo ops followed by couch jumping followed by a quickie engagement and miracle alien baby gestating in Teri's womb for approximately 6 trimesters.
more »
March 28, 2006
Scarlett Johansson Sexier Than Jessica Alba; Adjust Masturbation Schedule Accordingly
Another day, another lad mag tells you whom you should masturbate to tonight. And in what may be the upset of the century--or at least right behind that whole Crash/Brokeback Mountain thing--Scarlett Johansson is now your top masturbatory fantasy. Jessica Alba is crying into her no-nudity clause as we speak. more »
March 15, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: Like a Virgin
A slight look at Kelly Hu's Hu-ters.
Teri Hatcher and Ryan Seacrest dating? She says she "really enjoys his company". Well, duh. He knows about all the sample sales ahead of time, and he's so fun to enjoy a decadant whipped yogurt (only 140 creamy, dreamy calories!) with, while getting a deep tissue massage!
OMG! Victoria's Secret is that Adriana Lima is a total virgin!!!
Whoa, here she comes. Watch out, boy, Lindsay Lohan will chew you up.
Sorry, ladies! Handsome beef-a-roni hunk Jack Black is officially off the market.
Sorry again, ladies! Studly demigod Michael Bolton is also officially off the market. Enjoy that, Nicolette Sheridan.
Jessica Alba is officially sexy, we know, but now Scarlett Johansson has been deemed certifiably pretty. Good to know.
"Little black book" is just one of the many practical purposes served by Pam Anderson's grotesquely colossal plastic breasts.
We mourn the demise of the leg man. If you're one of them, you will probably want to look into Paulina Rubio. Damn, that tomato's got some nice pegs.
Paris Hilton prepares to get back to 1985 after harnessing a bolt of lightning hitting the clock tower.
Teri Hatcher and Ryan Seacrest dating? She says she "really enjoys his company". Well, duh. He knows about all the sample sales ahead of time, and he's so fun to enjoy a decadant whipped yogurt (only 140 creamy, dreamy calories!) with, while getting a deep tissue massage!
OMG! Victoria's Secret is that Adriana Lima is a total virgin!!!
Whoa, here she comes. Watch out, boy, Lindsay Lohan will chew you up.
Sorry, ladies! Handsome beef-a-roni hunk Jack Black is officially off the market.
Sorry again, ladies! Studly demigod Michael Bolton is also officially off the market. Enjoy that, Nicolette Sheridan.
Jessica Alba is officially sexy, we know, but now Scarlett Johansson has been deemed certifiably pretty. Good to know.
"Little black book" is just one of the many practical purposes served by Pam Anderson's grotesquely colossal plastic breasts.
We mourn the demise of the leg man. If you're one of them, you will probably want to look into Paulina Rubio. Damn, that tomato's got some nice pegs.
Paris Hilton prepares to get back to 1985 after harnessing a bolt of lightning hitting the clock tower.
March 08, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: Bootylicious. Adj. Sexually attractive, esp. in the buttocks.
Teri Hatcher reveals that she was brutally molested as a child by an uncle, and she testified against him recently and helped put him in jail. Go Teri!
Mayhaps the Pussycat Dolls should change their name to the Pussyandtittycat Dolls.
When your toddler asks you, "Daddy, what does 'bootylicious' mean?" you can now say, "Look it up in the dictionary, ya little shit" and mean it!
Donald Trump says of his daughter Ivanka, "I'd hit it."
Not only would Mariah Carey like you to touch her butt, she would like you to punch her in the gut. Well, okay.
Yanni was charged with abusing his girlfriend in their Florida home. What, did he force her to to listen to his music? Haw haw, bet you didn't see that joke coming.
In other domestic abuse news, the Hoff gets hasselled . . . by his estranged wife!
Jerry Hall says younger men not only suck in bed, they make you listen to Coldplay. It's a scary day when Jerry Hall is a practical voice of reason.
Thanks Easter bunny! Bok bok! As it turns out, Cokaite Moss used to hide her stash in a Fabergι egg. Pfft. We hide ours in a Ming vase.
Mayhaps the Pussycat Dolls should change their name to the Pussyandtittycat Dolls.
When your toddler asks you, "Daddy, what does 'bootylicious' mean?" you can now say, "Look it up in the dictionary, ya little shit" and mean it!
Donald Trump says of his daughter Ivanka, "I'd hit it."
Not only would Mariah Carey like you to touch her butt, she would like you to punch her in the gut. Well, okay.
Yanni was charged with abusing his girlfriend in their Florida home. What, did he force her to to listen to his music? Haw haw, bet you didn't see that joke coming.
In other domestic abuse news, the Hoff gets hasselled . . . by his estranged wife!
Jerry Hall says younger men not only suck in bed, they make you listen to Coldplay. It's a scary day when Jerry Hall is a practical voice of reason.
Thanks Easter bunny! Bok bok! As it turns out, Cokaite Moss used to hide her stash in a Fabergι egg. Pfft. We hide ours in a Ming vase.
March 01, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: "I Zaid I Want to Fugh Her."
Apparently, you can steal cars and shoot heroin and get arrested 20 times a month and yet never see the inside of a jail cell. We're totally moving to the UK. It's like Eden, or Honah-Lee. Only with more crack.
Speaking of drugs, Teri Hatcher admits to doing a little recreational Botox. Uh, no shit?
The year was 1984, and an unsullied, very young and fresh-faced Whitney Houston was given the old Serge Gainsbourg treatment on French television. If only she had been seduced by the wiles of a drunken, aged French lothario instead of a cracked-out faded R&B loser.
Apparently, being used as Jackson Browne's personal punching bag wasn't enough for Daryl Hannah, and she's now romancing Brad Renfro, an admitted junkie about 43 years younger than her. Some people are just gluttons for punishment.
A better shot of Paris's upskirt shot from the other day. You can actually see her anus devouring her underdrawers!
Vanna White gets the ole Pussycat Dolls treatment. And actually, she looks pretty awesome. For 73.
Some dude puts the kibosh on that whole "Charlize Theron as Dusty Springfield clam-slamming Kate Moss in Ang Lee movie" rumor. And we hate him for it.
Young Hermione Granger mistakes Corona with lime for butterbeer; gets wasted, fails OWLs, and is forced into a life of peddling her feminine wares in the shadowy recesses of Knockturn Alley.
Speaking of drugs, Teri Hatcher admits to doing a little recreational Botox. Uh, no shit?
The year was 1984, and an unsullied, very young and fresh-faced Whitney Houston was given the old Serge Gainsbourg treatment on French television. If only she had been seduced by the wiles of a drunken, aged French lothario instead of a cracked-out faded R&B loser.
Apparently, being used as Jackson Browne's personal punching bag wasn't enough for Daryl Hannah, and she's now romancing Brad Renfro, an admitted junkie about 43 years younger than her. Some people are just gluttons for punishment.
A better shot of Paris's upskirt shot from the other day. You can actually see her anus devouring her underdrawers!
Vanna White gets the ole Pussycat Dolls treatment. And actually, she looks pretty awesome. For 73.
Some dude puts the kibosh on that whole "Charlize Theron as Dusty Springfield clam-slamming Kate Moss in Ang Lee movie" rumor. And we hate him for it.
Young Hermione Granger mistakes Corona with lime for butterbeer; gets wasted, fails OWLs, and is forced into a life of peddling her feminine wares in the shadowy recesses of Knockturn Alley.
February 09, 2006
Teri Hatchet Face
Do you think if I wear that old sheer nightgown from my made-for-Cinemax movie The Madam and the Stable Boy over my daughter's cheerleading spankies it will distract from the flesh-eating bacteria that have eaten away half of my face? Will it also distract from the fact that I applied my makeup with a bazooka? No? Better add some gladiator sandals, then. more »
July 25, 2005
Hatcher's Humpwagon
Ohmigod, did you guys hear about Teri Hatcher? She, like, keeps a van in her backyard and stuff? And in that van, she totally goes all the way.
With boys. more »
With boys. more »
July 15, 2005
Warning: Mad Elephant!
The elephants of the world appear to have joined forces with the shark community, united in their hatred of American celebrities. Together, these deadly beasts of the animal kingdom will not rest until they've torn the limbs off every man, woman, and Dakota Fanning in Hollywood. more »
June 15, 2005
Party Hat-cher
Hurry! Pack your bags, blindfold your children and tuck them under your arms and run for the fucking hills! Teri Hatcher's nipples will not be contained!!!! more »
May 23, 2005
Hatcher Okays Playboy . . . For a Price
For those of you who love nudity from women molded out of plastic, Playboy may soon have a treat for you. No, Farrah Fawcett isn't returning to the pages of the mag; Teri Hatcher says she would totally show off her Desperate Housewives--for $10 million. more »
April 05, 2005
Desperate Divas: Trouble A-Brewin'
Awriiiight! It's been awhile since we've had any good Desperate Housewives juice, but today, we woke up and found that the oranges done got squeezed and we can proffer a fresh pulpy glass. Two words: cat and fight. more »
February 25, 2005
Desperate Housewife, Indeed
During a sexual dry spell, Teri Hatcher says she entertained the thought of hiring a rent boy. "I thought about a male hooker," she said. "It would be like getting your carpet cleaned and there was a spot they didn't get out. You would feel safe saying 'I need you to get this spot out or I'm not paying you.'" We're not sure where she was aiming to go with that noggin-scratching simile, but we like thinking about Teri's carpet just the same. more »
February 02, 2005
Housewives Desperate for Attention?
A few of the Desperate Housewives think they may be just a wee bit overexposed--and they're not talking about their lack of clothing. Eva Longoria and Nicolette Sheridan have been using their plethora of interviews to gripe about being given too much attention. Unless they were naked while they were complaining, we don't really care. more »
February 01, 2005
Hatcher Hails Her Honest-to-Goodness Hooters
Wee Teri Hatcher is red in the face proclaiming the realness of her jugs to anyone who'll listen. We like to imagine Teri in her trailer on the Desperate Housewives set, seething with jealousy when Nicolette Sheridan was blasted with plastic surgery rumors, shaking her fist and muttering, "Two can play at that game, Knots Landing's Paige Matheson. Muahahahaha!" more »
January 20, 2005
Forget the Tsunami! This Is Real Devastation!
We here at CelebNewsWire definitely felt the blow of the Aniston-Pitt split. We'll admit it: we took a few days off work to lie in bed, unshowered, eating countless Totino's Party Pizzas and drinking Carlo Rossi straight out of the bottle while weeping heartsick tears. We may have even questioned the existence of God. But the swath of devastation cut by the demise of Brad and Jen has extended far beyond our humble offices. Kate Winslet and Teri Hatcher are just two Hollywood stars who are beginning to open up about their pain. more »
January 14, 2005
Theyre Real--and Theyre Poke-tacular
Someone buy this woman a padded bra! Apparently Teri Hatcher has come down with a case of the pokies. And if theres one thing the bosses over at Desperate Housewives dont like, its protruding nipples. Sure, a bunch of women prancing around half naked and Eva Longoria sleeping with an underage gardener are fine, but poking nipples . . . too racy. more »
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