We have never hidden the fact that we do not share Maxim's desire for Eva Longoria's bikini-clad body to be visible from space. While we love things like nudity and bikinis and vibrators and sexy talk, there can be too much of a good thing. You've oversaturated the market, Eva. We don't need to see you in any more bikinis; we don't need to know how many vibrators you own and what variety does a better bedroom job than your sexually stunted near-virgin boyfriend. So if you get your wish of fewer naked Desperate Housewives bubble baths, we won't cry or anything.  

Poor Teri Hatcher. As she is the last surviving single among her female Desperate Housewives co-stars, she must carry that "desperate" tag for all it's worth. And if that means giving the public the impression that she's on her hands and knees daily begging for sex, then so be it.  

Nicolette Sheridan's spurned, nonfamous ex-fiance wants to tell the world about what a bad lover his former main squeeze is. Obligatory "now who's Desperate!" joke here. We're really phonin' it in today.  

• The plot thickens: Jude Law allegedly asked nanny Daisy Wright for a threesome. She turned him down, because she's "not that type of girl." She is, however, the type of girl who will have sex with her engaged movie-star employer. But you have to draw a line somewhere.

• Malcolm in the Marriage!

• Pamela Anderson to marry Tommy Lee a third time? Even Liz Taylor wasn't THAT stupid.

• Pam's also helping Courtney Love get into shape. BFF! After working out, the pair like to do each other's nails, have pillow fights, and call boys they like and hang up.

• Rob Thomas "can't remember the first two years of Matchbox Twenty" because he was so coked up. If only the rest of us were so lucky.

• Desperate Housewives creator vows to write "fantastic scenes" for Eva Longoria, hoping to help her nab some awards. We hope "fantastic scenes" means "naked scenes". And that "awards" means "naked awards".

• James Gandolfini angrily smashed his fist through glass on the Sopranos set. He then pulled out a gun and shot the glass, tied it to a couple of cinder blocks, and threw it in the East River.

 

Weep not for Eva Longoria. She has a hit television show, a lot of money, and she's dating about 437 comely, wealthy men. But more than that, she is down with her physical self. And learning to love yourself? It is the greatest love of all.  

Apparently Jessica Alba and Nicolette Sheridan share the same publicist. Either that or sharks fucking hate celebrities. Either way, a shark’s getting punched, which is cool with us.  

Hurry! Pack your bags, blindfold your children and tuck them under your arms and run for the fucking hills! Teri Hatcher's nipples will not be contained!!!!  

Awriiiight! It's been awhile since we've had any good Desperate Housewives juice, but today, we woke up and found that the oranges done got squeezed and we can proffer a fresh pulpy glass. Two words: cat and fight.  

Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria is opening up about her ugly childhood, and the reason her mother likes to see her naked onscreen. Ummmmm, is her mom secretly Joe Simpson in drag?  

During a sexual dry spell, Teri Hatcher says she entertained the thought of hiring a rent boy. "I thought about a male hooker," she said. "It would be like getting your carpet cleaned and there was a spot they didn't get out. You would feel safe saying 'I need you to get this spot out or I'm not paying you.'" We're not sure where she was aiming to go with that noggin-scratching simile, but we like thinking about Teri's carpet just the same.  

At this very moment our hearts are breaking. Just two short days ago we brought you our favorite rumor in ages, and now our hopes are being smashed like that sad little puppy our older brother stepped on to make us cry. Marcia Cross's spokeswoman says that her client definitely likes her some penis.  

The eagle eyes over at Defamer recently pointed us to an interesting little thread at The DataLounge claiming that someone on the cast of Desperate Housewives will be coming out of the closet via an exclusive cover story in The Advocate. The post was originated by someone who claims to work for ABC, but the validity of rumor is totally questionable. But who cares about validity? This gossip had us so excited over the weekend we could barely leave the house to get piss-drunk and watch some sports-type thingy.  

A few of the Desperate Housewives think they may be just a wee bit overexposed--and they're not talking about their lack of clothing. Eva Longoria and Nicolette Sheridan have been using their plethora of interviews to gripe about being given too much attention. Unless they were naked while they were complaining, we don't really care.  

Wee Teri Hatcher is red in the face proclaiming the realness of her jugs to anyone who'll listen. We like to imagine Teri in her trailer on the Desperate Housewives set, seething with jealousy when Nicolette Sheridan was blasted with plastic surgery rumors, shaking her fist and muttering, "Two can play at that game, Knots Landing's Paige Matheson. Muahahahaha!"  

And in other naked lady news, one of Nicolette Sheridan's former friend (pfft! some friend!) is trying to peddle nudie shots of the Desperate Housewives star using rather interesting logic . . .  

Someone buy this woman a padded bra! Apparently Teri Hatcher has come down with a case of the pokies. And if there’s one thing the bosses over at Desperate Housewives don’t like, it’s protruding nipples. Sure, a bunch of women prancing around half naked and Eva Longoria sleeping with an underage gardener are fine, but poking nipples . . . too racy.  

Now, we've been turning the following story around in our heads over and over, scratching our noggins and pursing our lips and furrowing our brows, trying to make heads or tails of what, exactly, it all means. It's a puzzler, all right, but it sure does make for the headline of the year: "Sheridan Ailing After Carrying Out Naked House Chores". Read on.  

Nicolette Sheridan visits a surgeon . . . to prove she's allll natural, Sharon Stone sues, Nicole Kidman's new, improved, 98% more bankable knees. Read on.  

Yet another network, this time ABC, was forced to apologize for combining nudity and football. Irate fans and National Football League both complained bitterly over an intro spot for Monday Night Football, which featured Desperate Housewives star Nicolette Sheridan in the buff. Other networks take note: funbags and football are a noxious mixture, indeed.