filed under: television
June 24, 2008
Billie Piper Thinks Nudity Will Ruin Career, Is Wrong

Unless you live in England (and we bet you don't, as in our mind England is filled with only stuffy old professors in tweed suits who smoke pipes and half-toothless paupers who are constantly uttering "guv'nor", and there's probably not much overlap with our readers in those categories) you most likely don't know who
Billie Piper is. So think back a week or two to when every website you visited was about 30% actual content and 70% ads featuring
Mary-Louise Parker watering her pot leaf and some chick in a giant martini glass. Billie is that chick. And being British, she doesn't conform to one of America's deepest-held traditions--the perpetually clothed, virginal prostitute/stripper. She actually gets naked in the TV series
Secret Diary of a Call Girl! And now she thinks it might ruin her career, silly girl. According to
WENN:
British actress Billie Piper fears her recent role as a high-class prostitute will damage her career prospects in Hollywood - because A-list stars never commit to on-screen nudity.
The former Dr. Who star plays the lead role in recent TV drama The Secret Diary of a Call Girl, which follows the exploits of an upmarket hooker living in London.
And now Piper fears the show - which aired in the U.S. earlier this month - may affect her chance of carving out a movie career because of the rife nude scenes.
She says, "Someone said to me the other day, 'What A-list stars get their tits out?' And then I started thinking, 'Oh my God, what have I done? I've ruined my future career!'
"You know, you get photographed on the beach topless. After all, they're only breasts."
We think that Billie needs a bit of schooling in the nudie cinematic arts. Today's A-list isn't comprised of just
Julia Roberts and
Sarah Jessica Parker; there are plenty of bared bits and bobs in Hollywood's top tier. To name a few:
Jennifer Aniston,
Drew Barrymore,
Halle Berry,
Penelope Cruz,
Heather Graham,
Angelina Jolie,
Nicole Kidman,
Keira Knightley,
Jennifer Lopez,
Madonna,
Demi Moore,
Gwyneth Paltrow,
Charlize Theron,
Kate Winslet. Is that enough proof for you, Billie? Much like Cocoa Pebbles are a part of a well-balanced breakfast, nudity is an essential ingredient in any successful Hollywood career.
more »
June 18, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: An Emmy's Just Like a Razzie, Right?

•
Lindsay Lohan has pulled a Heigl and withdrawn her name from the Emmy race. To which the Emmy panel said, "OK. Sounds good. Who's Lindsay Lohan?" (
Celebitchy)
•
Mickey Rourke takes his new face out to ogle some gay stripper's grape-smugglers. (
Yeeeah!)
•
Keanu Reeves is seeing
China Chow. You're also seeing China Chow. Seeing her topless, that is. In related news, China Chow is not kibble for Chinese people that comes in a 15 lb bag. Who knew? (
Taxi Driver)
•
Jennifer Lopez and Unfrozen Caveman Husband take their spawn out for some fresh air. (
Faded Youth)
• Forget danceoffs;
Mel B is getting her revenge on Eddie Murphy with an album called
Beverly Hills Cock. That sounds nice. (
Daily Stab)
• The many toups of
Jeremy Piven. (
Cityrag)
•
Nicole Richie gets her Mrs. Roper on. (
Seriously OMG WTF?!)
•
Gisele Bundchen speaks highly of beau
Tom Brady; says he "doesn't have a bad bone in his body." That's right, because his bad bone is in YOUR body. Swish! (
CelebWarship)
• Boil some water and get some clean sheets--
Britney's on her way to Lousiana to be there for Jamie-Lynn's birthin'! Wait a minute, we're talking about Spearses. Boil some Diet Mountain Dew and get some dirty sheets! (
The Hollywood Gossip)
•
Puffy Dangle Doobie Diddle waxes his nutbag. It is imperative that we know this. (
The Blemish)
•
Kate Moss dons a tasteful, maternal see-through dress to take her daughter for a stroll. (
Flisted)
•
Anne Hathaway is all, "there once was a man from Nantucket." (
WENN)
June 12, 2008
Heigl Blames Writers for Craptastic Season

We don't profess to know much about the cast of
Grey's Anatomy aside from the fact that
Ellen Pompeo has been rocking the
Meg Ryan frozen face look lately, one of the dudes is McCreamy or whatever, and
Sandra Oh's face looks adorably like a dolphin's. So it comes as a bit of a surprise to find out that
Katherine Heigl, she of the pretty blonde hair and delightful romantic comedies, has apparently replaced Star Jones as America's most despised celebrity. We weren't sure why, until we read today that she had withdrawn her name for Emmy consideration and issued this
statement:
“I did not feel that I was given the material this season to warrant an Emmy nomination and in an effort to maintain the integrity of the academy organization, I withdrew my name from contention,” she tells Gold Derby. “In addition, I did not want to potentially take away an opportunity from an actress who was given such materials.”
And we're sure that after saying how much the
Grey's Anatomy writers suck, next season will garner her some Emmy material. Get ready for lots of "Izzy's harrowing battle with incontinence" and "Izzy shares a sizzling onscreen kiss with Gary Busey" subplots!
more »
June 11, 2008
Reality TV To Help Nicole Richie Find New Nicole Richie

OK, reality television has officially gone too far. We know there's a lot of air to fill, and apparently the rest of the country wouldn't be as happy as we would be if that space was filled with reruns of
Mama's Family, so they've gotta film something. But
Nicole Richie scouring the States for another Nicole Richie? That shit is ridiculous. What skills will Nicole teach the girl? How to survive on 200 calories a day? How to get her hair really, really shiny? How to achieve A-list (to
Star magazine at least) status with no discernible talent, no magnetic appeal, and no job? Yeah, that's probably the key.
EW.com reports:
Childbirth, it seems, brings out the entrepreneurial spirit. Just ask new mom Nicole Richie, who's looking to stage a comeback of sorts to the same genre that made her a star, of sorts. EW.com has learned that the former coheadliner of The Simple Life has been pitching a reality show that would scour the country for the next, well, Nicole Richie. According to one exec who's heard the pitch, the unscripted show would take seven girls from across the U.S. and test their ability to achieve insta-fame. Richie and a panel of judges would then whittle down the competition in preparation for the live finale, at which time the winner — drumroll, please...would be awarded her own reality show! Word is at least three cable networks are interested in the pitch.
We're sure we'd even watch
Celebrity Circus over this sure-to-be-compelling broadcasting endeavor.
more »
May 15, 2008
Jack Black Ruins Angelina Jolie's Wombly Secret

Don't you love it when celebrities confirm things we've known for like three years? But in the case of
Angelina Jolie being tricked into admitting she's saddling
two specimens of human perfection in her lady chamber, at least she wasn't all, "I'm not pregnant, I swear. I just really love huge billowy dresses all of the sudden," and then finally own up like a month before she popped like a certain
zombie-espoused famous lady we know. So way to be more honest than someone there, Ang. Or rather, way to let someone else spill the big news for you, as
Jack Black does in the following
Today interview. It's long, and it does contain Jack Black doing kung fu kicks and using his "I'm Jack Black and I'm mettttalllll" voice, so to save you the agony, here's the gist of it: Jack Black is a secret-ruining, scraggly, scruffy dillweed. Oh, and so is
Dustin Hoffman, possibly minus the scraggly, scruffy part, as he blabbed Angie's due date, which is August 19th. So what does Angie think of her tattletale
Kung Fu Panda (ugh) castmates (when the cameras aren't rolling, of course)? Just take a gander at that photo up there; we're pretty sure that Angie boxed Jack about the ears but good as soon as the photog was through. Either that or she really wants
Madonna's ropy guns and is trying to achieve that sinewy look through extreme fist exercises.
more »
May 14, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: "If I Was Cyclops and You Were Jean Grey"

• Singer/asshole Ryan Adams goes to comic shop expressly for the purpose of fondling
Mandy Moore. Nerds everywhere cut selves. (
The Blemish)
•
Tara Reid works a bikini, haters be damned. (
Drunken Stepfather)
• It's entirely possible that Tony Romo will never fumble with
Jessica Simpson's footballs again. (
Yeeeah!)
• Celebrity Muppets. (
Cityrag)
•
Kelly Brook is back together with your friend
Billy Zane. (
F-listed)
•
Lily Allen once sang that she wanted to see you smile. Today, the dream becomes reality as shots of her cliff-diving topless emerge. (
Hollywood Tuna)
• Some skintage flesh!
Tricia Helfer nip slip circa 2007. Battlestar Galac-tit-ca. (
Fatback)
• The new cast of
90210 revealed! That one was for all of our under 12 and gay readers. (
Bitten and Bound)
• How I Met My Emo Lover, by
Flashlee Simpson. (
FemaleFirst)
• Another kind of "bump" for
Britney. (
Daily Stab)
•
Shia La Beef on La Zit Cream. (
Celebitchy)
• When scabies met impetigo: a tender love story featuring
Amy Winehouse and
Pete Doherty. (
Seriously OMG WTF)
•
Amy Smart has a well-padded poon. (
Taxi Driver)
May 05, 2008
Lindsay Lohan To Bring Her Boobs To the Tube

We never thought we'd see the day when
Lindsay Lohan would sink so low she'd have to copy
Britney Spears. Linds used to be such a trailblazer. That whole
flashing-shorn-vagina-while-exiting- a-vehicle thing?
Lindsay invented that. But seeing Brit's appearance on
How I Met Your Mother must've had Lindsay thinking, "People love her again. And all she had to do was show up on screen for five minutes without taco sauce on her shirt. I can do that!" Reports
MSNBC:
Lindsay Lohan’s possible involvement with “Ugly Betty” has been rumored for months, and now the beleaguered actress is finally onboard with the show, and even made her first appearance on set on May 3.
“She really, really needs this to go well,” said one industry source who has worked with Lohan in the past. “For the longest time she’s been getting terrible advice — that’s been obvious for quite some time. This is the first good decision she’s made from an acting standpoint since ‘Georgia Rules,’” according to the source.
So far, Lohan is off to a good start. Us Weekly reports that Lohan “arrived on set 45 minutes early,” and she and the show’s star, America Ferrera, “really hit it off.”
Whether this is a sign of a permanent professional upswing for Lohan remains to be seen, but the source, who worked with Lohan prior to her rehab stints, thinks anything is possible. “Look what Robert Downey Jr. has done with his career. He was in much worse shape than Lindsay, and look what he did. She just needs to keep making good choices.”
We sure hope that Lindsay's
Ugly Betty appearance marks the one and only instance of her using Britney as a mentor in turning her life around. Because, while it's worked pretty well for Britney, we think that if Lindsay were to put her entire life in the hands of her father, there would be much different results. Results like Lindsay providing
Us with a weekly photo diary and taking up residence in the guest bedroom of either Rush or Molloy.
April 29, 2008
Iman Knows More About Fashion, Spiders from Mars Than Heidi Klum

We always thought that a model fight would consist of third-grade-level name calling and limply flicking their wrists in each other's general direction. Because they're dumb and weak from malnourishment, right? But we forgot that models usually have inflated levels of spunk and self-importance, meaning that underhanded digs and hair pulling are usually more likely. And if we're really lucky, we'll get one model dissing another's knowledge of fashion. That's like telling Paris Hilton she doesn't know how to suck a dick. According to
Starpulse:
David Bowie's supermodel wife Iman has hit out at TV colleague Heidi Klum, claiming she is far more qualified to host reality show Project Runway.
Klum fronts the U.S. version of the show while Iman introduces the Canadian contest. The 52-year-old Somali-born model insists her resume is far more impressive and makes her a far more appropriate representative of the fashion industry.
She says, "Definitely Heidi and I come from two different places. I'm not belittling Heidi Klum, but I have been in fashion much more than she has. Not to toot my own horn, but I have been one of the best runway girls.
"I know clothes, and I know about working hand in hand with designers, I mean, I've worked with Calvin Klein, Marc Jacobs, John Galliano. Yves St Laurent - he created a whole collection for me. Tom Ford, Valentino. Versace. Jean Paul Gaultier. Thierry Mugler... I could go on and on."
Iman is so right. Heidi Klum doesn't even know the difference between charmeuse and crêpe de Chine. God, what an idiot. She probably won't even be able to strike back with "My interracial marriage to a creepy-yet-lovable musician is better than yours!"
more »
CNW Junk Drawer: She's Still Got (T)it!

•
Elizabeth Hurley's colossal cleavage never seems to age. Baffling! (
The Blemish)
•
Amy Winehouse and her imprisoned husband: they're either going to be "together forever", or she's cheating on him and will be forced to give him three million dollars. Either way, she's screwed. (
Female First)
•
Tom Cruise was once
Cher's bagel boy. And by that, we mean he spread his cream on her hole. Wait, no. The other way around. (
Hollywood Grind)
• 'Scuse me while I kiss this dong. Move over,
Marilyn, it's the Jimi Hendrix sex tape! Does he play a right-handed vagina left-handed? Watch and find out.(
I Don't Like You In That Way)
• Disney says that we won't be seeing much of
Miley Cyrus in the wake of her "nude" photo "controversy". Unless she's in a full body condom with a scarlet letter on it. (
The Hollywood Gossip)
• Hulk Hogan uses suntan oil . . . to lube up daughter
Brooke Hogan's crotch? Miley, what have you wrought with your suggestive posing and infectious pop grooves? The whole world's gone crazy! (
Drunken Stepfather)
•
Leah Remini's daughter is an asshole. (
Derek Hail)
• When
John Travolta notices that his new facial hair configuration looks like two porn star landing strips, he will squeal, "Ew, get it off, get it offffff!" (
Yeeeah!)
•
Keeley Hazell. Dancing. In her undies. (
Holy Taco)
• Former
Full House fox
Lori Loughlin joins the cast of the new improved
90210. It's like 1990 all over again. (
Hollywire)
April 24, 2008
J.Lo Officially on Same Fame Level as Heidi Montag and Dina Lohan

Soon, on a television screen near you, you will witness the day-to-day lives of
Jennifer Lopez and
Marc Anthony-Lopez as they do what rich people do. Not certain? Whether you will also witness Marc attempt to do what living, breathing, non-flesh-eating humans do. According to
IMDB:
Jennifer Lopez has landed her very own reality TV show. Cameras will follow the singer as she launches a new fragrance while trying to juggle her music and acting careers with motherhood. The Maid In Manhattan star, mother to two-month-old twins Max and Emme, will co-executive produce the show for U.S. cable channel TLC. She says, "I'm looking forward to sharing this exciting journey together." TLC president, Angela Shapiro-Mathes, tells People.com, "Jennifer is unbelievably passionate about life and will be an incredible role model for our audience."
We have a feeling this will be a huge hit with the Wal-Mart crowd. They'll tune in every week while perched atop their Value City Furniture sofa eating a Budget Gourmet lasagna frozen meal and drinking 2-2-liters-for-$2 Diet Rite to watch Jenny Lo and her associates decide just which piece of ultra-rare Siberian penguin skin they should use to line the vanity drawers in the third guest bathroom. They won't be fooled by the rocks that she got.
more »
April 21, 2008
Britney Spears To Again Get Booby on the Tubey

We just noticed something really weird: In the month of April, we have only done one story with
Britney Spears at its core, yet we've covered her
knocked-up little sister three times. We're no mathematician, but we think that's a decrease of roughly 73% in our Britney reporting compared to her pre-daddy-conservated days. So perhaps news of Britney's latest employment opportunity has a bit to do with concern that she will soon be the lesser Spears. Because if she doesn't grab the public's attention through a televised situation comedy, she may have to wait until Jamie Lynn's water breaks and move into the lion's den at her local zoo with nothing but her weave and a copy of
Cat Fancy. And nobody wants that. So take
WENN's story that Brit will return to
How I Met Your Mother as the best-case scenario for Spears's headline grabbing.
Britney Spears is to return to the TV sitcom which gave her a career boost last month. The pop star gave show How I Met Your Mother its highest ratings ever when she appeared as a love-struck secretary in an episode on March 24, and now she had agreed to reprise her character, according to reports. A source says, "The show is ecstatic and so is Britney. She had so much fun the first time around she really wanted to come back. It was a mutual decision to work together more." The one-episode deal comes just days after Spears' former manager Larry Rudolph admitted the singer loved appearing on the show and talked constantly about it during recent meetings with him. He said, "It was a really positive experience for her. She talked about it quite a bit the last time I saw her... She wants to do it again." Earlier this month, show executive producer Carter Bays admitted he'd be delighted to have Spears back on the show: "I thought she was great. I was very proud of that episode."
MSNBC counters:
There are members of the Spears camp who aren’t so ecstatic. “Sure, she had a fun time, but it wasn’t about a comeback,” said a source. “It was about getting her on the road to being better. The last thing we want is a new element of fame for her to have to deal with.”
The March 24 episode that featured Spears drew 10.62 million viewers — about a million more than the prior week’s episode. The episode also generated the largest audience in the 18-to-49 age range in the show’s three-year history.
You know what we think Britney needs to get on "the road to being better"? Hard labor. Don't put her in front of cameras and surround her with sycophants who will constantly tell her how wonderful she is; that's pretty much how she ended up in this situation in the first place. Give her a hammer, throw her on a construction site, and make her build a house for a family whose yearly income equals her yearly Starbucks bill. Well, actually, let her build the barn, not the house. Better to have walls collapse on the John Deere than little Timmy.
more »
April 15, 2008
Gloria Allred Demonstrates Rob Lowe's Alleged Nanny Touching

We haven't paid much attention to this whole
Rob Lowe possible-forced-nanny-schtuping thing, mostly because A) it's not in any way the
most scandalous thing to enter Rob Lowe's life, B) making jokes about sexual harassment is way sleazier than making up yet another word to describe
Sienna Miller's
boobs, and C) it doesn't involve anyone who has ever flashed her vagina in public, at least not that we're aware of. But when something becomes newsworthy enough to hit the
Today show, boy, do we listen. Because we're 82. And bedridden. And have no friends. And love to know what's happening in our neck of the woods.
People magazine (another beloved source of amusement for friendless, bedridden 82-year-olds) has the full rundown of the nanny's
Today show interview, where she muttered a string of "um"s and "I don't know"s in between walls of silence. Most of the actual speechin' was handled by publicity-seeking pitbull lawyer Gloria Allred, who cut off the nanny every time she tried to utter more than three syllables. (And, yes, we are aware that the nanny has a name, but constantly referring to her as the nanny makes us think of
Fran Drescher, and then we laugh.) What we're really interested in though is the following video of the appearance. This is a case involving sexual harassment. And Gloria Allred has her hand practically on top of her client's cooter throughout THE ENTIRE INTERVIEW. Perhaps Allred's new tactic is to employ as many visual aids as possible in order to win a case. First there was the whole
nipple-piercing thing, now this. "Mr. Lowe touched my client here and here and here."
April 11, 2008
Casting Begun for Paris's Parasite

Every day we inch closer and closer to
Paris Hilton's return to serialized television. One day in the near future you will turn on MTV (unless you are like us, i.e., not 18, in which case you'll probably be watching
Law & Order or that show where dads beat each other up or something) and there will be Paris, bedecked in pink velour, living canine accessory under her arm, lazily cooing "That's hot" until you are forced to pound on your television screen with your fist and beg her to pick a new catchphrase. Something '80s-inspired, we hope, like "Gag me with a Swarovski-studded dildo." Catchy. Casting for Paris's new sidekick began yesterday in New York, to lackluster results. Apparently there aren't as many girls willing to follow in her elephantine shoes as you would have thought.
OK! reports (via
Celebitchy):
“There were less than 40 people there,” one audition insider tells OK!. But despite the poor turnout, each of the hopefuls seemed ready to show their unique desire to grab the attention of the casting directors. “There were girls wearing matching pastel prom dresses with Swarovski crystal pendants and updos, ghetto-fabulous girls and two goth-inspired girls with bleach blonde hair, pale makeup, eyelash extensions and leather clothing.”
Additionally, OK! has to question the motives of these attention-seekers, as at least one contender was overheard remarking that she, “totally couldn’t live in the house with Paris,” because “she would be so annoying!” But for those camera-hungry wannabes fortunate enough to merit a call-back, they were approached by a casting director who handed them the show’s version of a golden ticket — a card that read, “You are cordially invited to join us at our audition to become Paris Hilton’s new BFF.”
We're actually kind of shocked that there are 40 people in the entire country, let alone New York, who would be willing to spend weeks fighting for Paris's attention. They probably won't even have memorable reality-show-style made-up personalities; Paris will probably just opt to call everyone Parisita or "her over there." But that's sort of fitting, as
Page Six claims that the applicants pretty much all looked the same anyway:
Paris Hilton's new reality show should be called "I Want To Be Paris Hilton". Heirhead wannabes lined up Tuesday at Nikki Beach in New York for Hilton's new MTV reality series, "Paris Hilton's My New BFF" and it wasn't pretty. "It looked like Barbie threw up in there," said our spy. "All the girls looked like versions of Donatella Versace. They all had bleached blond hair, too-dark tans and were wearing tight, shiny dresses. All the guys that were there were gay. The whole thing was so bizarre." Casting directors had sent out a notice saying they were looking for "hot bitches and fierce guys" for the show.
Who did you expect to show up for the audition? Natalie Portman and a bunch of girls wearing ankle-length skirts and reading
Gravity's Rainbow while waiting in line?
more »
March 27, 2008
Be Paris Hilton's BFF. We're Sure It Won't Be As Bad As It Sounds.
Paris Hilton has had pretty bad luck with friends.
Nicole Richie deserted her in an effort to be normal. She seemed to trigger
Britney Spears's crazy gene, with unbelievable consequences. And
Kim Kardashian's ass got sick of battling with Paris's feet for the title of most comically large appendage and bailed. So now Paris is on a hunt for new meat that she can mold into a slightly less attention-worthy version of herself. And that new meat could be you! MTV sent out the following casting call for Paris's upcoming reality show:
Do you long to strut into the world's most elite hotspots without a care in the world except how fabulous you are? Ever wish the velvet ropes didn't exclude you from the social circles of the A-List? How about the fantasy of jet setting around the world with the ultimate BFF, whose fierce style, charisma and star power is only matched by your own.
Now that's hot! MTV is giving the opportunity of a lifetime to one girl or “fabulous” guy who has what it takes to become Paris Hilton's new BFF. Finally, you have the chance to show the world that you have what it takes to achieve social stardom; allowing you unprecedented access to young Hollywood as never before. Loves It!
Doron Ofir Casting is seeking “Hot Bitches” and “Fabulously Fierce Guys” who are at least the age of 21 and appear under 30.
Are you sick and tired of envying the social icons? Will you be the next pop-arazzi obsession and quintessential star of the red carpet? Prove it bitches!
What must the requirements be for being Paris Hilton's best friend? You're pretty, but not too pretty, thin, but not too thin, really good at holding Paris's discarded dog when cameras aren't around, and able to vouch for Paris's innumerable good deeds. "Like, we totally went to Africa last week. They really needed us there. We gave them autographed pictures and samples of Paris's new perfume and they were so grateful. We probably cured malaria or something. There aren't any pictures, though, because we wanted the focus to be on
the children." Also, we can't wait to see 32-year-old
Tara Reid audition for Paris's BFF. "I do
too look under 30, bitches. My plastic surgeon told me
just yesterday that I don't look a day over 26! . . . Do you guys have any of the Paris Hilton canned champagne around here?"
more »
March 21, 2008
Tori Spelling Says: "Please Hire Me. C'mon, Please? I Promise I'll Do Good."
Tori Spelling is just begging to land a role in the upcoming remake of
Beverly Hills, 90210. She's so eager, in fact, she's practically offering to write the role herself. And she doesn't seem to care how large the part is, as long as it's sexy. Because the first thing that comes to mind when thinking of Tori Spelling is sexy, not boob tunnel.
People reports:
Tori Spelling would like to return to her old zip code.
The actress has yet to be contacted by the producers of the Beverly Hills, 90210 remake the CW is developing, but Spelling, who played Donna Martin on the original show for 10 years, is ready to step up if she gets offered a role.
"My dad always wanted to do a new version of 90210, so I'm sure he will be beaming from above!" Spelling, 34, tells PEOPLE, referring to her father, the show's producer Aaron Spelling. "And I'd love to somehow be a part of it. That as well would make my dad proud!"
So what kind of role does she envision for herself?
"Well, I am a mom now, proud to say, but obviously too young to have a teenager, so maybe I could be one of the main character's young stepmom," says Spelling, who is expecting her second child. "Playing the funny sex ed teacher at the high school would be funny, too, considering Donna Martin was America's most infamous virgin."
Oh, honey. You were born in 1973. If you had a kid at twenty it would be just about fifteen right now. And what do fifteen-year-olds do? Go to high school. You're not exactly young mom Jamie Lynn Spears here.
more »
March 18, 2008
CNW: "I Said Impeti-Go, Go"

• Hey, Amy. Maybe you should extend that liner to cover your entire face. (
Flisted)
•
Eva Mendes gets a job shilling Calvin Klein drawers! Just like Marky Mark, only with more substance abuse and less wiggerliness. Same size boobs, though. (
Yeeeah!)
• Clip of
Brit's appearance on
How I Met Your Mother. Talking about shopping with Doogie Howser? Ooooh, that's fabulous, girlfriend! (
The Superficial)
•
Nicole Richie and
Paris Hilton fighting again. Fighting over Maddens. That's kind of like arguing about which Nelson brother is cooler (the answer is Gunner, obviously). (
Celebitchy)
•
Eva Longoria's wedding tattoo disappeared. Maybe she used WRECKING BALM! (
Daily Stab)
• Eliot Spitzer enjoyed Charlie Sheen's sloppy seconds. Surprisingly, we're not talking about Denise Richards. (
Bitten and Bound)
•
Jennifer Aniston is a dutiful flosser; probably has no plaque buildup in her ass crack. (
The Blemish)
•
Punky Brewster has another daughter and names her JAGGER. We can't wait to have babies named Staley and Weiland and Stapp. (
CelebWarship)
•
Pamela Anderson's famished vagina snacks on spangled panties. (
Drunken Stepfather)
•
Nicole Kidman's bodyguard goes ape crazy on a paparazzo. (
Holy Taco)
March 11, 2008
Britney Spears Scares off Alicia Silverstone

We always thought that celebrity status trumped any sort of ick factor in Hollywood. How else to explain the fact actresses still agree to film sex scenes with Colin Ferrell, even though they're probably risking smelling like tobacco and ball sweat for the next week? But some celebs aren't so brave.
Alicia Silverstone, for one, is not going to inhabit the same sound stage as
Britney Spears, no matter how long it's been since she's had an actual job.
TV Guide reports:
Britney Spears' havoc-wreaking cameo on How I Met Your Mother has already claimed its first victim. A Mother insider confirms that Alicia Silverstone — who was slated to appear in a multi-episode arc as Ted's dermatologist/lover — has dropped out and will be replaced by Scrubs' Sarah Chalke.
Pink Is the New Blog reports that Silverstone bowed out because her reps (understandably) feared she would be overshadowed by Spears, who, per my sources, will play an assistant to the dermatologist now being portrayed by Chalke. As a result, I'm hearing Mother bosses Carter Bays and Craig Thomas have reconceived the female doc character. Originally slated to appear in multiple episodes, she'll now be in just one — mostly because that's all Chalke's schedule will allow. The diminished screen time would also seem to eliminate any hope there was of her being Ted's future yellow-umbrella-carrying wife (aka the "Mother").
But Mother still has big plans for Silverstone. "[Bays and Thomas] love Alicia," whispers my mole, "and they intend to create another character for her."
All of this begs a critical question: Is Spears worth the headache? Provided she brings in enough viewers to get Mother off CBS' endangered list, I reckon she is!
Wait, Britney Spears is playing a
dermatologist's assistant? Do the writers know what a dermatologist does? Did they choose that particular profession after dismissing the possibility of Brit playing a weavologist's assistant as too unbelievable?
more »
March 06, 2008
Victoria Beckham To Teach Hillbillies How To Be May-Jah

Apparently every Hollywood famous type person has chosen this week to become utterly boring. Our Sexy Lady Story yesterday consisted of grainy stills of Anne Hathaway wearing nowhere-near-skimpy underwear, for L. Ron's sake. We haven't even heard one story about Britney getting her weave caught in an elevator door or taking her favorite Yorkie to get a facial. So until John Mayer posts his Jessica Simpson sex-tape collection on his blog, we'll bring you news of
Victoria Beckham trying to bring high fashion to podunkville. Our gossip wardrobe consultant,
FemaleFirst, reports:
Victoria Beckham is set to launch her own fashion reality TV series in the US.
The ex-Spice girl has been asked to front a new Fashion Nightmares show for the Fox network.
The show is based on Gordon Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares which has been a big hit in America after he took it over there last year.
Victoria would travel around America, finding poorly styled people and giving them a fashion make-over.
'They want her to visit some boutiques and beauty pageants in real backwater towns and to try to whip them into chic shape," a source told Marie Clare.
Victoria was reportedly reccommended for the job by some of her celebrity friends: "A couple of A-listers have recommended her, saying her humour and knowledge has yet to be fully explored," added the source.
God, we hope this show will involve Posh fashioning a Wal-Mart handkerchief into a tube top for a really fat lady. We also really hope it involves Vicky B trying to better understand her clientèle by eating one McDonald's French fry and one chicken McNugget in the first episode. Of course, the guilt and intense gastrointestinal grumblings that would follow would then force Victoria to subsist on no more than 42 calories a day for the remainder of the season, but these are the things you do for fashion.
February 25, 2008
Revealed: Mr. Skin's 2008 Anatomy Awards!

Oscar fashion, schmoscar schmashion. Leave lauding cinematic performances up to the untouchable "Academy". When it comes to lauding skinematic perv-formances, there is but one man to whom we all answer: Mr. Skin. This morning, he appeared on Sirus radio's Howard 100 and unveiled (dig that pun!) the winners of his
ninth annual Anatomy Awards. Click on that link and you will be magically transported, Wonkavision style, to a land where the best merkin lives in harmony alongside crack slips and thongs, where Breast Picture has nothing to do with oil wells or wedge-haired killers. So make sure your boss is out of the room, and breathe in the thick, loamy air of the very best skin scenes of the past year.
February 20, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Boozin' and Coozin'

• More oddly smooth
Britney mons pubis. We're starting to think that maybe those are flesh-toned undies. Foiled! (
Faded Youth)
• But she still can't see her chitlins. (
The Hollywood Gossip)
• The bottle came between Jake Gyllenhaal and
Kirsten Dunst. The bottle, and her baby vampire fangs. (
Yeeeah!)
•
Denise Richards says that exploiting her children in a reality show is fine, because they said yes when she asked them if they wanted to be on TV. They're
two and
three. If you asked them if they wanted to have live jellyfish sewn to their faces, they'd say "Yaaaay!" (
I'm Not Obsessed)
•
J. Lo has checked in to the hospital! She will now proceed to birth a child from each of her buns. (
PopCrunch)
•
Hilary's Duff, in a bikini. (
Egotastic)
• The
Heidi Klum-Seal family, in a traveling version of
Cats. (
Derek Hail)
•
Megan Fox Jacks it. (
Fatback)
•
Alba pulls a Lindsay and recreates old junk in photos. Only without the boobs, natch. (
The Blemish)
• OMG,
Nicole Richie and Joel Madden actually left the house! They're such horrible parents! Alert DCFS! (
Celeb Warship)
February 06, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: The P Word

•
Paris Hilton enjoys fishing. And fish enjoy the familiar, down-home smell of Paris Hilton's bacterial vaginosis. OK, that was pretty gross. Sorry, Paris. (
FemaleFirst)
• And speaking of
Paris's vagina, she will be rubbing hers up against the lesbian thespians of
The L Word. (
The Superficial)
• The results are in:
Heath Ledger's death was caused by "accidental overdose" of SIX different types of prescription drugs. (
TMZ)
• Godspeed to you,
Patrick Swayze! May your gut convalesce so that you may arabesque again. (
IMDb)
•
Cammy Diaz gots some pegs, boy, I tells ya. (
Cityrag)
•
Larry Birkhead take$ Dannilynn to vi$it her mother'$ grave$ite. (
Celebitchy)
• Bike shorts and what appears to be a Lamborghini Countache: no, it's not 1987; it's the new Bebe ads featuring
Eva Longoria! (
PopCrunch)
• Bar Rafaeli: professional wearer of lingerie, schtupper of DiCaprio, sporter of labia-splitting bikini camel toe. (
Derek Hail)
•
J. Lo is definitely having twins. And we are definitely having another cruller. Yum, jelly. (
Evil Beet)
•
Kim Kardashian sued by ex-boyfriend's mom. Oh, what a tangled web. (
The Blemish)
•
Rihanna launches her own umbrella line. What if her hit song had been called "Colostomy Bag"? Guess you can't really stand under one of those, though. Or
can you? (
Daily Stab)
January 28, 2008
NYPD Blue Still Corrupting Our Youth After All These Years

The FCC is likely made up of a bunch of eighty-year-old men who spend their days playing shuffleboard and rushing to Denny's for their four o'clock dinner of Moons Over My Hammy, so it's not too surprising that they're just now getting around to noticing that
NYPD Blue contained more bare ass per cubic foot than a Russ Meyer flick. And they are shocked, outraged, dismayed, astounded, incensed, buffaloed, etc. According to
Dlisted:
The FCC plan to slap ABC with a $1.4 million fine for showing bare ass on a NYPD Blue 5 years ago. The FCC said that the episode which first aired in 2003 "contains explicit and graphic depictions of sexual organs. The scene depicts multiple, close-range views of an adult woman’s naked buttocks. We find that the broadcast dwells on and repeats the sexual material. We have held that repetition and persistent focus on sexual or excretory material is a relevant factor in evaluating the potential offensiveness of broadcasts. Here, the scene revolves around the woman’s nudity and includes several shots of her naked buttocks. The material is thus dwelled upon and repeated."
The FCC said, "Our action today should serve as a reminder to all broadcasters that Congress and American families continue to be concerned about protecting children from harmful material and that the FCC will enforce the laws of the land vigilantly."
ABC said that "the buttocks are not a sexual organ." They are fighting the allegations.
We're intimately familiar with the scene in question, which features
Charlotte Ross undressing to take a shower and a kid walking in on her. Pretty innocent stuff, even with the gluteal close-ups and generous shots of side boob. In fact, we think the ABC censors must've gotten wind of the scene before shooting began, because it looks as if Charlotte had a bang up wax job. Had she rocked it '70s style, we clearly would've seen some muff fluff in the side view, and that would have offended Grandma and scared little Jenny and Jimmy as they stayed up for family fun night with a viewing