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filed under: tattoos

November 12, 2008

Miley Cyrus: Bad Tattoo Enabler

Get ready for your tweener daughter (well, if you're old fuckers like us at least) to start begging you to let her get all tatted up, because Jesus zealot Stephen Baldwin just scored a guest spot on Hannah Montana by getting "HM" tattooed on his shoulder. Reports TMZ:

Holy Stigmata! Stephen Baldwin has branded himself with Hannah Montana's initials, all because Miley Cyrus dared him to.

Here's how the whole thing went down. We're told the unlikely friends met last year at the White House, where the 15-year-old dared Baldwin to get Hannah Montana's initials and in return she would let him appear on her Disney TV show since his daughters are huge fans of the series.

Fast forward to yesterday in Nashville, where sources tell us Miley's little sister, Brandi, heard on the radio that the 42-year-old outspoken Christian was also in town to promote his new book. So Miley, her mom, Brandi and Miley's boyfriend Justin Gaston decided to surprise Baldwin at a book signing. When they arrived, we're told Stephen showed off his "HM" tat and asked if he could cameo on her show, at which point Miley (reluctantly?) agreed.

It's Miley Cyrus' world and Stephen's just livin' in it.

Great, this is going to be the early '90s all over again, when every dude with slicked back hair got a Rocket from the Crypt tattoo because they heard it would get them into shows for free, until the epidemic spread so far that MTV's resident Republican Kennedy was even sporting a RFTC tat. Only this time the tattoos will appear beneath Delia's Madison sweaters instead of rolled-up plaid shirt sleeves. It's Circa: Miley!

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July 01, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Heidi Christ, Superstar

• Reality show star/monster Heidi Montag promises to make a Christian album, compares herself to Jesus. "Because we both have really shiny hair and heal leopards," Heidi says. "That's what the poor people with zits are called, right?" (Yeeeah!)

• Katherine Heigl downblouse cleavage shot. By the by, why is the term downblouse? What an antiquated word. We don't say "upcrinoline". Though "crack above slacks" has a nice ring to it. (Egotastic!)

• Anne Hathaway does not heed the rap world's advice to "stop snitchin'"; snitches. (Flisted)

• Cameron Diaz is beginning to look a bit Wildensteinian. (Cityrag)

• Eva Longoria gets plugged. Fireplugged, that is! (The Blemish)

• Pharrell thinks tattoos and skin are like wallpaper. (FemaleFirst)

• Lindsay Lohan and chick chum Samantha Ronson get cutesy together. (CelebWarship)

• Zooey Deschanel is everyone's favorite. You there. Go. Look upon her in a swimsuit. (Don't Link This)

• Bridget the Midget's nip slip proves that not ALL of her is tiny. (Taxi Driver)

• Amy Winehouse hit a fan (and it felt like a kiss). (Allie Is Wired)

• Eddie Murphy wants to retire from movies. Well, see ya. (Daily Stab)

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April 16, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Oh, Behave

• Gisele Bundchen may be costarring in the new Austin Powers movie. Terrific. What's next, Adriana Lima in Mighty Ducks V? (Daily Stab)

• Eva Longoria and her husband want to invite Posh and Becks over for a foursome. A foursome consisting of slow and sensual games of Cootie! and Mousetrap. (Female Foist)

• Debbie Gibson got a restraining order against her stalker, who sounds like a real Electric Douche. Haw haw haw! (Celebitchy)

• "Deer dairy. today i went down and used the terlet at the Cogo's on wilshur bulevard. i plum fergoted my pantys inside! then i pixed up a ~~parperp~~ ~~pupozee~~ parparotzy man and kissed on him. rainbows r pritty!!!!!111" Britney Spears has video diaries and they may be released, woo hoo! (Hollywire)

• John Mayer's body is a wonderland. A wonderland of cliche tattoos like koi fish and waves and blooming flowers. (Cityrag)

• Elisha Cuthbert puts down cigarette long enough to grab her own tit in Maxim. (F-listed)

• Evan Rachel Wood's transformation into boyfriend Marilyn Manson is complete. Excellent. Release the bats! (CelebWarship)

• Bret Michaels says that "My hair is combined of my hair and the finest extensions Europe has to offer." And all this time we thought it was Britney's castoff weaveage sewn onto a bandanna. (ONTD)

• Pictures of Pete Doherty in jail. Hair product fashioned out of leftover butter pats. (Dlisted)

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March 18, 2008

CNW: "I Said Impeti-Go, Go"

• Hey, Amy. Maybe you should extend that liner to cover your entire face. (Flisted)

• Eva Mendes gets a job shilling Calvin Klein drawers! Just like Marky Mark, only with more substance abuse and less wiggerliness. Same size boobs, though. (Yeeeah!)

• Clip of Brit's appearance on How I Met Your Mother. Talking about shopping with Doogie Howser? Ooooh, that's fabulous, girlfriend! (The Superficial)

• Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton fighting again. Fighting over Maddens. That's kind of like arguing about which Nelson brother is cooler (the answer is Gunner, obviously). (Celebitchy)

• Eva Longoria's wedding tattoo disappeared. Maybe she used WRECKING BALM! (Daily Stab)

• Eliot Spitzer enjoyed Charlie Sheen's sloppy seconds. Surprisingly, we're not talking about Denise Richards. (Bitten and Bound)

• Jennifer Aniston is a dutiful flosser; probably has no plaque buildup in her ass crack. (The Blemish)

• Punky Brewster has another daughter and names her JAGGER. We can't wait to have babies named Staley and Weiland and Stapp. (CelebWarship)

• Pamela Anderson's famished vagina snacks on spangled panties. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Nicole Kidman's bodyguard goes ape crazy on a paparazzo. (Holy Taco)

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March 04, 2008

Katie Holmes Thinks Victoria Beckham Is Trashy, Orange

In the world of celebrity BBFs, there must occasionally be causalities. Where once we had the undying mutual admiration of Paris and Nicole or Kid and Play, we now have nothing. No shining beacons to teach us how to love platonically. It is a sad, sad world that cannot sustain such friendships, but it's an even sadder world that lets such a strong shared love of fancy ass clothes go to waste as it has with Katie Holmes and Posh Spice. If famous people can't unite over fashion, what else is there? Star reports (via Celebitchy):

It’s arctic between Katie Holmes and her fashion mentor, Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham, and a source tells Star that it’s all because of a tattoo! Thrilled with her latest tat [on the inside of her wrist] of the Latin phrase “De Integro” - it means “afresh” - Posh urged BFF Katie to get inked herself. Posh, who got this fifth one to mark her new start in the U.S., “was pretty shocked and upset” when the Mad Money actress called such body art trashy, says the source.

We know that Katie Holmes is really just Vicky the Robot all grown up, dolled up in Chanel and Armani, and programmed to say nothing but "Tom Cruise," "Suri," "beautiful," and a handful of synonyms for wonderful, so naturally she's all prim class. But it's 2008, girl. Even our grandma has a tat. We think it says "Born to ride me," but the wrinkles make it a little difficult to read. If you're going to slag on Posh for being trashy, at least make it about her half-coconut-shell tits.

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February 20, 2008

Scarlett Johansson Must Really Love Sunsets

This morning we were faced with a mystery. And we're happy to say that, just like Angela Lansbury, we cracked that shit wide open. Now we're sitting down at our typewriter piecing together the fragments of our genius. Presented at left is a photo we found this morning at Oh No They Didn't of Scarlett Johansson looking ravishing at the London premiere of The Other Boleyn Girl. Except she's sporting one major flaw: a very, very, very bad (but still better than anything inked on the skin of Megan Fox) tattoo. Let's go to the close-up:

scarlett johansson bad tattoo close-up.jpg

Man, that's one shitty tattoo. But we comforted ourselves with the knowledge that it has to be fake. It's just too vibrant and seems to hover too much atop Scarj's creamy flesh. But something was bothering us about it. It seemed so familiar. After some digging, we got to the bottom of this conundrum thanks to our friends at Cityrag and this picture from last July:

Either Scarjo has really, really good skills with fake-tattoo placement and stocked up on her favorite design at Spencer's, or that thing is actually permanent. We shudder at the thought that such a perfect human specimen has ruined her flesh in such a cheesy, juvenile manner. What's next? Will Shiloh Jolie-Pitt reach her third birthday and demand a SpongeBob tat on her left cheek for all of perpetuity?

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July 19, 2007

Britney Spears Spends Bikini Budget on Red Bull, Swims in Underwear

"Look, y'all, I just want you to know that I heard all those things you said about me back in November when I was having all that fun hanging out at clubs every night. I read them internet thingies. What are they called? Bloogs? Flogs? Blugs? Whatever. I heard you. You said all kinds of mean things about me, and I want you to know that I understand. You were just so mad about the pain that bastard Kevin had put me through, and you were lashing out in destructive ways. I get it. And to show y'all that I don't have any hard feelings, I took some of your advice and bought lots and lots of panties. You want to see them? OK, why not?" more »

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June 28, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: Snow Blower Over

• Prince approached Penelope Cruz and sang a song just for her. Next week, we will see her in purple lingerie and a spiral perm, fronting the Penelope 6. (Celebrity Mound)

• Britney backed out of Cyndi Lauper's True Colors tour after she found out that "performing" meant "actually singing". "I cain't do that, y'all!" (A Socialite's Life)

• Like Paris, we love TMZ. Because not only do they post a picture of the reunited Spice Girls, they include a poll asking you to pick the ugliest. Yay! (TMZ)

• Paris Hilton told Larry King that she's never, ever done drugs. Because weed is a vegetable. (Evil Beet)

• Hayden Panettiere. She acts, she sings, she licks stuff. (Derek Hail)

• George Michael refuses to have an HIV test. That is careless, much like his whispers of yore. (RTE)

• When it comes to celebrities having large bags of silicon-oxygen polymers surgically placed inside their chest cavities, only one can be the victor and bring home the "shittiest implants title". (Cityrag)

• Megan Fox continues her unstoppable run of lookin'-over-my-shoulder-hey-check-out-my-wikkid-tatz red carpet posery. (Popoholic)

• Cops + racial statements = hijinks. No, not Mel Gibson . . . Vivica A. Fox! Speaking of terrible breast implants. (TMZ again)

• MK and Ashley Olsen are at loggerheads over Mary-Kate's mean boyfriend, Max Snow, who Ashley says puts down and mistreats her sister. MK says he often gets nasty, but it always blows over. Snow . . . blow . . . yeah. (FemaleFirst)

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June 25, 2007

More Megan Fox, More Tattoos, More Sexy

If our stats are to be trusted, Transformers tomato Megan Fox and her tattooed torso seem to be a hit with the kids, so we decided to follow up. When we last left Megan, she showed off some iambic pentameter on her back, admitted that she had David Silver's name inked into her pubis, and alluded to a mysterious hidden tattoo of a self-penned poem. We were hoping for pegacorns or maybe something gothic with an abyss or two, but in the new issue of Maxim, she proudly shows it off: "There once was a little girl/who never knew love/until a boy broke her HEART". What in the Sam Hill, that isn't even a poem. That's the beginning of a parable. Or a failed limerick attempt at best. You get an F, Megan Fox. You fail Language Arts.

"Every time I get another tattoo, it's like a little F-you to anyone who told me not to."

Oooh, you bad. Allow me to temporarily break from the editorial "we" to say man, Megan Fox is totally in my face! But embarrassing ink and perceived badassedness aside, when you look like a cross between 1991 Cindy Crawford, 1972 Janice Dickinson, and 2001 Angelina Jolie, you can pretty much get a tattoo of a dolphin and a Grateful Bear holding hands and leaping over a tribal armband with a Goo Goo Dolls quote underneath and everyone will still worship you.

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June 05, 2007

Transformers' Megan Fox: More Than Meets the Eye

For far too long, this "sexy lady story" slot has been dominated by your Lohans, your Simpsons, your Spearses, and we figured the time was nigh to allow a fresh young upstart a chance at semi-popular internet blog stardom! Ladies and jellyspoons, feast your eyes on Megan Fox, star of the upcoming Transformers movie, a face sure to be ubiquitous in the future, undeniably fortunate of face and figure. The pics are from the latest issue of GQ:

After you're done looking at the pictures, please note that she is engaged. To Brian Austin Green. That's right. Every night, David Silver straps on the #5 attachment to his Norelco, freshly carves out that George Michael snap-on beard and some Vanilla Ice eyebrow stripes, crawls on top of this woman, and does the worm to a Snow cassingle.

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January 08, 2007

Anna Nicole Smith: Making Your Taz Tattoo Look Classy

Remember that guy from your high school who turned eighteen during senior year and on his birthday he spent half the day at Tattooz, thinking he was so cool and badass and that he would be worshipped in the halls for his intense coolness and huge balls? You know, the one who got Tatu from Fantasy Island on his chest, with an oversized speech bubble proclaiming "Da plane! Da plane!"? Anna Nicole Smith has finally found a way to surpass the Tatu tattoo. more »

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December 21, 2006

Britney's Back! (And So Is Her Bra)

Hey, guys, hey did you notice us yesterday? How we did not say the name Britney Spears AT ALL? Not even once? Aren't you just so extremely proud of us? Who knew that we possessed such restraint? Certainly not our parole officer, who told us that if we grab one more stranger's ass we are going straight to jail. We need to stop hanging out with Christian Slater. Anyway, Britney. We took a break, and that must have been a challenge to her or something, as today we've got pictures of her dancing onstage at Forty Deuce. OK, Brit, we get it, you want our attention. We'll never ignore you again. more »

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