filed under: Sylvester Stallone

Are you having trouble with a girl you'd like to screw who won't let you take her out on a date? Maybe she says you're "too creepy" or that she doesn't like you crouching outside of her bathroom window every morning? Who doesn't have this problem, really? Luckily the super sexy and wise Sylvester Stallone has a solution for you: Threaten to kidnap the girl's puppy, chop him into little pieces, sautι him in a nice hoisin sauce, and masticate every last morsel. That'll surely win her over. Our own Rover roasting specialist, FemaleFirst, dishes:

Sylvester Stallone says men should eat the pets of any girl who won't date them.

The 'Rambo' star - who is married to model Jennifer Flavin - says his best dating tip is to tell a woman you will devour her most prized possession unless she agrees to go out with you.

He said: "Basically just tell her if you don't go out with me I'm going to find the thing you love the most and eat it, whether it be your dog or your bird!"

You know what you forgot to mention, Sly? The guy should also send the girl pictures of himself masturbating into a nice juicy porterhouse. Works every time.

We've gotten so down lately, focusing on the rehabbing, the hospitalization, the death, the lost babies. It's been almost too much for us. So thank you, Sly Stallone, for reminding us why we fell in love with the celebrity gossip game in the first time. Because every once in a while, in hopes of selling more tickets to their latest motion picture, a star will talk about his mom feeling up his ass. Or not feeling up his ass as the case may be. Our own personal tarot thrower, FemaleFirst, reports:

Sylvester Stallone won't let his 'rumpoligist' mother "read his butt".

The 61-year-old action star's mother Jackie pioneered the practice, which involves predicting a person's future by 'reading' their backside, but he refuses to let her look at his bottom in case it has "an unhappy ending".

He said: "My mother has led a very colourful life. Besides being a one-time trapeze artist, she is the first woman I can recall who had a televised bodybuilding show in Washington in the 50s. She's a world class astrologist, palmist and yes, she did invent rumpology.

"Yes, we do have a close relationship but I will not allow her to read my butt because the story may have an unhappy ending!"

Jackie, 86, claims rumpology was practiced by Babylonians and Indians in ancient times, although she has failed to produce any historical evidence.

She believes she can learn a person's past by studying their left buttock, and their future by looking at the right.

And if she looks straight into the asshole she will see the face of your one true love.

• Heath Ledger's autopsy proved to be "inconclusive". (The Hollywood Gossip)

• However, cops are saying that drug packets were found in his room, along with a $20 bill rolled up in a "suspicious" fashion. Maybe it was origami-folded into the shape of Snidely Whiplash! (TMZ)

• Possibly the last picture of Heath taken (very Depp!), on the set of his movie, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. Which sounds like a poor man's Dr. Magorium's Wonder Imporium. (Derek Hail)

• Sylvester Stallone says that he's nothing but a "tiny fairy". Don't do 'roids, kids. (FemaleFirst)

• The fat kid from Stand By Me is not only married to Rebecca Romijn, he does a high-larious Tom Cruise iimpression. (Yeeeah!)

• Keeley Hazell is pretty. She has big breasts. Let us gaze upon her image and swell with joy and erectile tissue. (Popoholic)

• Whoops! Guess she said "no, no, no" after all. Fantastic, we wouldn't have wanted her to harm the integrity of her hit single. (A Socialite's Life)

• Rihanna, half naked, covered in water. Insert obligatory "Umbrella" joke. (Cityrag)

• Attention, France! Your do not have supermodel-singer Carla Bruni as a first lady. Haha, France! In your face! You lose! Although you do produce very delicious breads and cheeses and berets. We'll give you that much, France. (Celeb Warship)

• Here is a list of Oscar nominations. Not only are we witty and rich and can bench 550 pounds, we're helpful, too! (Allie Is Wired)

• Stallone steroid scandal. Stallone steroid scandal. Stallone steroid scandal. Say it five times fast.

• Tyra Banks recreates her iconic swimsuit issue cover shot. Too bad her face looks like she's dropping a log in her bikini bottoms.

• Gretchen Carlson finally lends credibility to FOX News with a liberal view of her panty-clad crotchial area. Did you catch that? Liberal! Haw haw?

• Brody Jenner is pissed that Details insinuated he was using Nicole Richie, but says it's all good because he has "broad shoulders". Wait, what?

• Watch in rapturous wonder as Jewel nearly drops a forkful of food down her cavernous chest chasm.

• Anna Nicole's death is a lot like her life: with a bunch of creepy men all fighting over her body.

• Speaking of Anna Nicole, her small, purple-haired, Broom Hilda lookalike tuff gal former assistant Kimmie speaks out, accusing Howard K. Stern of being an asshole!

• Or not.

• Michelle Rodriguez "never killed a pot head".

• Naomi Watts is likely preggo via Liev Schreiber, who ejaculated semen into her vagina.

• Tricia Helfer will be ponying up some Battlestar Galactitties in Playboy next month.

• In the biggest horseshit story of the day, Jen Aniston supposedly partied with the K-Fed. We're trying to picture Jennifer in cornrows and man-shants. Not bad.

• Perhaps the reason Jen is slumming is because she caught wind of Angelina insinuating that she and Brad had boners for each other while the Pittistons were still involved?

• Eternal Sunshine of the Thetanless Alpha Clear? Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got, I'm just I'm just Jenny from Teegeeack of the Intergalactic Federation?

• Evel Knievel vs. Kanye West. Sadly, not a sneak peek of a new episode of Celebrity Boxing.

• Paris is defending Britney's questionable parenting skills, saying, "She goes home every night to her babies and partying has not come in the way of her parenting." Seriously, duh! She goes out and shows her slopbox and does body shots and THEN she goes home at 4 A.M. to play with the babies. No biggie!

• Adriana Lima and the Case of the Bikinified Virgin.

• Take your key and unlock Jordan's heart, and her vagina, conveniently located next door to one another.

• Sylvester Stallotox takes the blame for starting that whole Richard Gere-assgerbil rumor. Guess we know who to point the finger at for that whole "Danny Wood semen stomach pump" thing.

Dear Mr. Stallone,

We realize you have a new movie out in which you try to recapture the glory days, when Rocky was king and you were A-number one. We realize that such pressure might lead one to search out artificial methods of looking younger. We realize this is just the Hollywood Way.

However, Mr. Stallone, please keep in mind that it is a slippery, slippery slope from a subtle, Michelle Pfeifferesque tuck to full-on Joan Rivers territory. You're nearly at the point where you could slap on a wig and some Elizabeth Arden lip liner and pass as your own mother.



Yours in Christ,
CelebNewsWire more »

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• We're scared, and expecting Renιe Zellweger to show up at our offices with a sack of nickels and a sawed-off shotgun any day now.

• In the real world, when a guy plies a girl with booze and coerces her to strip, it's called date rape. In Hollywood, when it happens to Sly Stallone and Sharon Stone, it's called movie magic!

• BarryMORE, braLESS.

• Paparazzi didn't cause Lindsay Lohan's Benz bust-up, illegal U-turns did. GodDAMN, girl's got some good spin doctors.

• Hey, don't look at us! We've been abiding by the strict "at least 500 yards away at all times" clause in that restraining order Freddie Prinze Jr. took out on us. Right, Freddie? Right? Heh heh. Heh . . . heh. Heh?

• Man. For a pointy-faced prepubescent weinerless elf, Orlando Bloom sure gets around town with the pretty ladies.

• Thank GOD a dangerous criminal mastermind like Kate Moss will soon be behind bars! London, your streets are now safe again.