CelebNewsWire - The skinny. The scoop. The Hollywood poop. Wherever there is a nipple slip, we'll be there. If there's a party, you'll find us doing shots with Lindsay Lohan and upskirt flashing alongside Britney Spears. Wherever Paris Hilton is breaking the law, you'll see us. If there's a celebrity sex tape, we will find it. Nude stars, drunk stars, scandals, hookups, breakups? Let CelebNewsWire be your guide. Hold our hands. Come inside.
The Hollywood poop.
filed under: Stavros Niarchos
December 10, 2007
Paris Gets Punchy
Our love for Stamos Nachos is well documented. He's delightfully unwashed, we've never heard him speak (not even in print), and he has the best fake name in celebritydom. That is, until our alter ego makes it big in Hollywood. No one will be able to beat Senor Assface, because it will continually keep the masses guessing: Does his ass look like a face, or does his face look like an ass? Such a mystery. But anyway, back to Nachos. The famous ladies just can't get enough of him. And sometimes their need for a chunk of his feta makes them punchy. According to Page Six: PARIS Hilton desperately wants her ex, Stavros Niarchos, back, say sources who have followed her antics in Miami this week. The former lovers, who are in South Beach for the annual Art Basel festivities, provided a traveling sideshow as Hilton spent the week trailing Niarchos from spot to spot trying to get his attention. Hilton first ran into him at Mansion Wednesday night, where he was paid to host the official Art Basel kickoff party. When the Greek shipping heir showed up with Brandon Davis' ex-girlfriend, Caroline Vreeland, however, Hilton was not pleased. "Paris beelined for Stavros, but he was chatting up Caroline," said our source. "He was completely ignoring Paris, and she was furious. She shot them evil looks and finally stormed up to them and started screaming at Caroline." On Thursday, the celebutard followed Niarchos to three different clubs. One partygoer at Mokai, where the rich kids started their night, told us, "Paris saw that Stavros was with a girl, and she went crazy. She literally stood on Stavros' table and began screaming at him. Then she started dancing and trying to get his attention." The insider said that when Stavros and his date left Mokai and moved on to Set, Hilton followed: "Paris went to great lengths trying to get Stavros' date kicked out, begging club security to get rid of the girl." Our witness even claimed, "Paris was so furious, she ended up walking up to the girl and just punched her." But a rep for Hilton called that account baloney: "Paris was at both clubs but at no time physically struck anyone. These accusations are completely false."We're kind of surprised that Paris would actually punch someone and not get her bodyguard to do it for her. We're also surprised that Stamos's ladyfriend wasn't the one to punch Paris in the face, as Paris was clearly making out with the girl's evening escort:
Really, why don't we hear more stories about Paris getting punched in the face? Surely she's provoked someone other than Shanna Moakler in her "career" as a celebrity. Are girls today just too soft and weak? Are they afraid of breaking a nail? Or do high-school health classes teach them that you can catch herpes from skin-to-skin contact?
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December 05, 2007
Lindsay and Paris Chase the Same Nachos
That Stamos Nachos is one hot potato. Since filling our lives with his ooey gooey cheesiness once again, he's been re-linked to MK Olsen, Paris Hilton, and now Lindsay Lohan (and, yes, we recall that just yesterday we brought you a story alleging that LiLo was f'ing Heath Ledger, but the girl's a multitasker). They all need that tortilla crunch! Page Six reports: Lindsay Lohan is now spending time with her ex, Stavros Niarchos, after she dumped rehab buddy Riley Giles a week ago. Niarchos, who used to date both Lohan and her frenemy Paris Hilton, this time is sticking with the newly sober star. Hilton showed up to a party for the anti-smoking lozenge Ariva at Crimson in Hollywood the other night and tried to hook up with Niarchos - who, spies said, "wanted nothing to do with her and seemed so annoyed by her, he left the party" to go hang with Lohan. Hilton, unaware she had irked Niarchos, was then seen wandering around "asking where Stavros had gone."C'mon now. We love our Nachos, but we'd never date him. What exactly is the draw here? His Brendan Fraser in Encino Man hair? His ability to block the rays of the sun with his towering frame and save a starlet from early wrinkling? His stellar record as a lover of the lower classes? We would say it was his piles and piles of spanakopita-scented money, but two of the ladies in question just made Forbes's list of the 20 top-earning young superstars under 25 (poor Hilty didn't make the list because she's an old hag of 26). Can someone please enlighten us here? We don't get it. more »
November 26, 2007
Mary-Kate Olsen Double Dips Her Nachos
Bite-sized orangutwin Mary-Kate Olsen may be busy nursing her crippled pee filter, but weep not for her, friends, as she may have a very special friend to help heal her. A tall, Greek friend dripping with old money, Paris Hilton juice, and delicious, creamy cheese . . . that's right! Our beloved Stamos Nachos is BACK! Rejoice! The pair were observed canoodling at the Chateau Marmont on November 12, and Celebitchy sez:
"They were super into each other, clubgoer Susan McGinley tells Life & Style. Adds a second partyer [sic], Stacey Kives, He was making moves and she was eating it up.Oh, what a verbal web you weave, quoted sources. Dropping a hilarious "eating it up" anorexia joke and a subtle "piss her off" reference to her busted kidney? Well-played. Well-played.
The duo kissed passionately for a few minutes, says the first witness - and then Mary-Kate, 21, put her hand over her mouth and giggled.
One person wasnt laughing. When Stavros on-again, off-again love Paris Hilton, 26, heard about the PDA, she was infuriated. She thinks MK was publicly hooking up with Stavros just to piss her off, says an insider close to Paris.
May 03, 2007
A Tale of Lindsay, Coke, and a Rat
Lindsay Lohan! Rats! Illicit behavior! Ryan Seacrest! That Page Six sure knows how to craft a riveting story. If they had just thrown in Nicole Richie giving a handjob to a baby elephant they would've been a shoo-in for a Pulitzer. more »
April 09, 2007
Stamos Nachos Not Greasy Bear's BFF
Today we bring you a very special story of a budding feud between our favorite non-celebrity celebrities, Greasy Bear and Stamos Nachos. It's kind of like one of those Battle of the Network Stars come to life where the contestants consist of a few Price Is Right models, the left center square from Hollywood Squares, and Charles Nelson Reilly. more »
April 05, 2007
The Return of Stamos Nachos
Yea! It's the day we've been waiting for! Our beloved Stamos Nachos has returned! We will once again get to bask in his ooey-gooey, Full-House-y goodness. And it's all thanks to Hilary Duff. Which, really, is not a sentence we thought we'd ever happen upon the chance to use. Unless of course the sentence directly preceding it was, "Our ears bled and bled and burned and itched from the horrible sounds emanating from the speakers." more »
November 17, 2006
Paris Hilton: A Braless "Piece of Shit" with Chancres
A day in the life of Paris Hilton: gets called "piece of shit," is reminded to always remember her herpes medication, slips a boob. It's so much like a day in the life of CelebNewsWire, it's eerie. more »
October 04, 2006
Meet the Fighters or: The Simple Fight
Paris Hilton is one of today's hottest starlets. Millions of men have paid to see her smoking pole on tape. Shanna Moakler was a Playboy Playmate, so presumably hundreds of thousands of men have stroked the baloney pony while gazing upon her naked body. And last night they got into a bitchfight over this man:
C'mon, ladies, if your night is going to end with multiple police reports, at least let it be over George Clooney. Or how about Adrian Grenier? He's hot. Even Colin Farrell we might understand. But a pop-punk drummer with a fauxhawk and necktoos? Is that really the best you can do? more »
C'mon, ladies, if your night is going to end with multiple police reports, at least let it be over George Clooney. Or how about Adrian Grenier? He's hot. Even Colin Farrell we might understand. But a pop-punk drummer with a fauxhawk and necktoos? Is that really the best you can do? more »
September 25, 2006
Lindsay: Caught Between Her Harry and Nachos
Did Lindsay Lohan and Harry Morton really break up? Was Linds really seen making out with our long lost favorite, Stamos Nachos? If someone took a picture of one of Lindsay's turds would we post it and call it newsworthy? And the answers are: maybe maybe not, possibly, and most definitely yes. more »
August 01, 2006
The Return of Stamos Nachos
Paris Hilton was seen smooching on and wrapping her legs around Stamos Nachos last weekend. Just like us, she can't get enough of his warm, gooey, Olsen-twin-wrangling cheesy goodness. And here we thought the only thing we had in common with Paris was a white-hot amateur porn career. more »
June 14, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: "All Nose and Hose"
Vida Guerra displays her ripe rump for mateworthy males in Playboy.
Daryl Hannah "arrested for farm protest"? What the . . . ? What kind of sick person protests farming?
Ashlee Simpson's in the new issue of Marie Claire talking about how women should embrace themselves no matter what size or shape and love their flaws. Accompanied by a nice pictorial spread of her showing off her new rhinoplasty, collagen-infused lips, and cantaloupe diet waistline.
The other day, Britney, Kevin and Federspears the Younger were photographed together for the first time since March. Oh, they're definitely a loving couple fully committed to one another. We're convinced now.
Paris and Lindsay fight over Stamos Nachos. They just can't get enough of his warm, cheesy goodness.
Heather Mills McCartney, soon to be defrocked and downgraded to "Just Plain Heather Mills but a $200 million richer Heather Mills so f u very much", makes viewers sing, "Hey Boob/Don't be a prude/Take some naked pics/And make wangs bigger".
Some kids like football, some kids like video games, some kids like Legos. Pam Anderson's sons' favorite toy is her stripper pole.
Brittany Murphy may be tinier than a baby flea, but her rack can compete with the best of them.
You know what isn't tiny? Screech from Saved by the Bell's weenis.
Jennifer Aniston's got pokies. And she knows how to use 'em.
Daryl Hannah "arrested for farm protest"? What the . . . ? What kind of sick person protests farming?
Ashlee Simpson's in the new issue of Marie Claire talking about how women should embrace themselves no matter what size or shape and love their flaws. Accompanied by a nice pictorial spread of her showing off her new rhinoplasty, collagen-infused lips, and cantaloupe diet waistline.
The other day, Britney, Kevin and Federspears the Younger were photographed together for the first time since March. Oh, they're definitely a loving couple fully committed to one another. We're convinced now.
Paris and Lindsay fight over Stamos Nachos. They just can't get enough of his warm, cheesy goodness.
Heather Mills McCartney, soon to be defrocked and downgraded to "Just Plain Heather Mills but a $200 million richer Heather Mills so f u very much", makes viewers sing, "Hey Boob/Don't be a prude/Take some naked pics/And make wangs bigger".
Some kids like football, some kids like video games, some kids like Legos. Pam Anderson's sons' favorite toy is her stripper pole.
Brittany Murphy may be tinier than a baby flea, but her rack can compete with the best of them.
You know what isn't tiny? Screech from Saved by the Bell's weenis.
Jennifer Aniston's got pokies. And she knows how to use 'em.
May 03, 2006
Lindsay Lohan Likes Leftovers
Remember the other day when we said that keeping up with the visitation schedule in Lindsay Lohan's panties was a full-time job? Well, we probably shouldn't have kicked off early yesterday for a mid-afternoon lap dance, because we missed the news that Lindsay hooked up with our favorite fake celebrity, Stamos Nachos. And here we thought that we'd never get to talk about Stamos again after that Paris breakup. Long live Stamos Nachos and his Uncle Jesse, ooey-gooey, hot cheesy goodness! more »
May 02, 2006
A Tale of Paris, God, Nachos, and Smoke
It seems like Paris Hilton has been hovering a bit below our radar lately (perhaps she's been hanging out at home with some Thai takeout and the complete MacGyver collection on DVD waiting for her Valtrex to kick in). So today we'll give you a three-fer in which Paris loses her Nachos (again), finds God, and gets a clit erection from smoking. more »
April 21, 2006
Paris's Pole Fumble
Despite this entry's title, we will not be discussing Paris Hilton after a bout of heavy substance-injesting, leading Stamos Nachos to her pink boudoir, yanking down his pants, and making a ham-handed grab for a bedknob. Apologies. more »
March 09, 2006
Paris Hilton Restrained . . . By Herpes!
At first we skipped over the story regarding the conditions of the restraining order against Paris Hilton. We just weren't that shocked that someone would go to such lengths to avoid ever being in the same room as anyone who says "That's hot" eighty times an hour. But then one word jumped out at us as if it were in solid gold type studded with hot pink diamonds: herpes. more »
January 19, 2006
Paris and her Puddle of Pee
We usually like our celebrity bladder-control-issue stories to be accompanied by photos, but when that story involves Paris Hilton leaving a puddle of urine in a cab without even noticing, our imagination can be just as good. more »
December 09, 2005
Mary-Kate Wants Her Nachos
Hasn't Mary-Kate Olsen suffered enough, what with the having arms the size of peppermint sticks and looking like a botoxed duck? Did you really have to take away her Nachos, Paris, with all that you have? Just because her bones are withered and brittle from malnutrition does not mean that she does not bleed. She hurts, dammit. more »
December 01, 2005
CNW Junk Drawer: March of the Tiny Wieners
Nicole Richie (version Fat.0) with plump rump ripe on the runway. Ah, those halcyon days of youth.
Super kookynuts rumor of the day: Paris Hilton is set to dip her ring finger in the cheesy, Uncle Jesse style goodness of Stamos Nachos and become his lawfully wedded tortilla chip.
Not only can 90210 "actress" Tori Spelling make disgusted faces and make David Silver get a boner, she can also make a baby! Yaaaay!
After getting arrested for posession of crack yesterday, Kate Moss squire of yore Pete Doherty claims she left him for good because he's packing a wee weiner.
While Enrique Iglesias claims that the rumors of his own lack of girth have been greatly exaggerated.
She says Jacko's not the one, no, the kid is not his son.
Yet ANOTHER reason to hate Fergie.
Keeping with the Halloween spirit, Tom and Katie are set to wed on October 21rst.
After the three Magi heard King Herod, they went on their way, and the star they had seen in the east went ahead of them until it stopped over the place where the child was. On coming to the Malibu house with the tricked-out pink Hummer out front, they saw the child with his mother Britney, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented Sean Preston with gifts of woobies and of binkies and of myrrh. Merry X-mas, y'all!
Super kookynuts rumor of the day: Paris Hilton is set to dip her ring finger in the cheesy, Uncle Jesse style goodness of Stamos Nachos and become his lawfully wedded tortilla chip.
Not only can 90210 "actress" Tori Spelling make disgusted faces and make David Silver get a boner, she can also make a baby! Yaaaay!
After getting arrested for posession of crack yesterday, Kate Moss squire of yore Pete Doherty claims she left him for good because he's packing a wee weiner.
While Enrique Iglesias claims that the rumors of his own lack of girth have been greatly exaggerated.
She says Jacko's not the one, no, the kid is not his son.
Yet ANOTHER reason to hate Fergie.
Keeping with the Halloween spirit, Tom and Katie are set to wed on October 21rst.
After the three Magi heard King Herod, they went on their way, and the star they had seen in the east went ahead of them until it stopped over the place where the child was. On coming to the Malibu house with the tricked-out pink Hummer out front, they saw the child with his mother Britney, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented Sean Preston with gifts of woobies and of binkies and of myrrh. Merry X-mas, y'all!
November 18, 2005
It Was Kelly's Party and She'll Cry If She Wants To
You may think your twenty-first birthday was bad, but after the barf was mopped up and the couch cushions were flipped over, the only real lasting effects were the derision of your loved ones and a case of HPV. Kelly Osbourne nearly had to pay $100,000 worth of damages, thanks to--you know him! You love him! Allll together now--Stamos Nachos! more »
November 17, 2005
CNW Junk Drawer: Get Hep!
Hepatitis A, Matt Damon, thongless male-on-male mud wrestling, and golden showers. We're not talking about Ben Affleck's bachelor party, we're talking about a Steven Soderbergh joint!
Britney might be ready to finally get rid of those 170 extra pounds of ugly, useless flab. AKA, divorcing K-Fed.
Or, she might be ready to accept a few more of his cornrowed sperms and bake another baby, because according to the oracle, it is written. Specifically, she's predicted to "fall pregnant", which sounds as if she's about to befall a hideous malady. Which is not too far off the mark, really.
But who gives a crap, let's just look at Britney's pointy Spears, unfettered by brassieres. Hey, that rhymed.
Madonna took it for a spin. It inspired Carmen Electra to bellow racial epithets. That's right, little ones--it's Dennis Rodman's rod, man (NSFW).
Paris Hilton and the Jolly Greek Giant are still relaxing in the warm, bubbling hot tub of amorous rapture despite nasty rumors to the contrary and Baby Luv the Monkey's diabolical plot to tear them apart.
Jennifer Aniston has been named GQ's (Wo)Man of the Year, along with her rumored beau Vince Vaughn and rapper 50 Cent. So, in order to be a major magazine's people of the year, all you have to do is A. have your husband divorce you after upgrading to a better model, B. bang aforementioned divorcιe, or C. have Pittsburghers shoot each other during a screening of your movie. Oh man, we totally have next year's title in the bag!
Britney might be ready to finally get rid of those 170 extra pounds of ugly, useless flab. AKA, divorcing K-Fed.
Or, she might be ready to accept a few more of his cornrowed sperms and bake another baby, because according to the oracle, it is written. Specifically, she's predicted to "fall pregnant", which sounds as if she's about to befall a hideous malady. Which is not too far off the mark, really.
But who gives a crap, let's just look at Britney's pointy Spears, unfettered by brassieres. Hey, that rhymed.
Madonna took it for a spin. It inspired Carmen Electra to bellow racial epithets. That's right, little ones--it's Dennis Rodman's rod, man (NSFW).
Paris Hilton and the Jolly Greek Giant are still relaxing in the warm, bubbling hot tub of amorous rapture despite nasty rumors to the contrary and Baby Luv the Monkey's diabolical plot to tear them apart.
Jennifer Aniston has been named GQ's (Wo)Man of the Year, along with her rumored beau Vince Vaughn and rapper 50 Cent. So, in order to be a major magazine's people of the year, all you have to do is A. have your husband divorce you after upgrading to a better model, B. bang aforementioned divorcιe, or C. have Pittsburghers shoot each other during a screening of your movie. Oh man, we totally have next year's title in the bag!
November 15, 2005
Paris Hilton Loses Her Nachos, Gains Some Monkey Scratches
It's time for the Jolly Greek Giant to hide his Gold Cards in his spinach-leaf tunic and climb back up his beanstalk to his giant lair in sky, as it is being reported that Stamos Nachos and Paris Hilton have broken up. Paris has been seen wandering the streets of Las Vegas desperately searching for a replacement shipping heir in between vicious scratching and biting attacks from her pet monkey. more »
November 10, 2005
CNW Junk Drawer: "Baby, I'm Scaring Myself!"
Pink says she wants to have lezzie sex with Kelly Osbourne. Well, that makes one of us.
Jessica Alba pokes our eyes out. With her tits.
Renιe Zellweger's behatted bygone ball and chain Kenny Chesney assures us that he's "pretty firm" in his sexuality. Just pretty firm, though.
Stamos Nachos learns an important lesson: when driving Paris Hilton's Bentley under the influence while chased by paparazzi and while bystanders are filming the whole melee, do not obscure your drunken double vision with your jacket or you will crash into a truck, leaving your girlfriend no other recourse than to blow kisses at the cops. Oh, please, like we all haven't been there.
Mischa Barton's publicist once urged her to play hide-the-hot-dog with Leonardo diCaprio to further her career. Mischa expressed digust, not because he looks like a weepy-eyed Pekingese or the fact that he was on Growing Pains and totally has gross Ben Seaver germs, but because he's "like, thirty, or something".
Jessica Simpson tried to pull an Angelina and went on a humanitarian mission to Africa, only to fake sick. Because she's an asshole.
Models! Fluffy wings! Horny elves! Tyra Banks's farewell to modeling! Asses curiously devoid of cellulite! Light-up tit-tays! Candy canes! Inexplicable puffballs! High-res pics! Heidi Klum having a better body 8 hours after giving birth than we had at age 16! It's the Victoria's Secret fashion show! Wheeee!
Jessica Alba pokes our eyes out. With her tits.
Renιe Zellweger's behatted bygone ball and chain Kenny Chesney assures us that he's "pretty firm" in his sexuality. Just pretty firm, though.
Stamos Nachos learns an important lesson: when driving Paris Hilton's Bentley under the influence while chased by paparazzi and while bystanders are filming the whole melee, do not obscure your drunken double vision with your jacket or you will crash into a truck, leaving your girlfriend no other recourse than to blow kisses at the cops. Oh, please, like we all haven't been there.
Mischa Barton's publicist once urged her to play hide-the-hot-dog with Leonardo diCaprio to further her career. Mischa expressed digust, not because he looks like a weepy-eyed Pekingese or the fact that he was on Growing Pains and totally has gross Ben Seaver germs, but because he's "like, thirty, or something".
Jessica Simpson tried to pull an Angelina and went on a humanitarian mission to Africa, only to fake sick. Because she's an asshole.
Models! Fluffy wings! Horny elves! Tyra Banks's farewell to modeling! Asses curiously devoid of cellulite! Light-up tit-tays! Candy canes! Inexplicable puffballs! High-res pics! Heidi Klum having a better body 8 hours after giving birth than we had at age 16! It's the Victoria's Secret fashion show! Wheeee!
November 02, 2005
Stamos Nachos: Humanitarian of the Year
Remember when it was rumored that Paris Hilton had a brand new and even dirtier sex tape, like, every other week? It got to the point where no one would have even cared unless said tape involved a goat, a forty-foot dildo, and a trampoline. One thing we did take notice of, though, was Paris's disdain for anyone who works for their money and her alleged use of the N-word. Well, it seems that Paris's new play penis also has no respect for his fellow human beings. He thinks the humiliation of homeless people is funnier than a Pauly Shore movie. (But now that we think about it, even C-SPAN is funnier than a Pauly Shore movie.) more »
October 25, 2005
Paris Hilton's Port-a-Porkin'; Plus, Liesmore 'bout Sizemore
After its engagement-induced period of relative hibernation, Paris Hilton's vagina is hungry once again. Hungry for Greeks bearing gifts. Penile gifts. more »
October 11, 2005
Paris Hilton Dumb, Immature, and Easy? Who Knew.
When we were in the fourth grade we had a boyfriend named Timmy. We were totally happy and in love for, like, two and a half whole weeks, but then we realized that Timmy was a really lame name and he couldnt even afford to buy us the really good candy, so we found a new boyfriend and broke up with Timmy over the phone while our new boyfriend listened on the other end of our Swatch phone. Its so nice to know that our patented fourth-grade break-up style was also employed by Paris Hilton when she told Paris Latsis to find a new pet vagina. more »
October 04, 2005
Paris Likes 'Em Rich and Greek; Incurs Olsen Wrath
After her "devastating" breakup with Paris Latsis, Paris Hilton has wasted no time finding a new man and pissing off both Mary-Kate Olsen and Tara Reid. Girls, girls! Now, we all know there's only one way to settle this: pudding wrestling. Oh, wait. We're talking about Paris Hilton, Mary-Kate Olsen, and Tara Reid? Then we mean: girls, girls! Now, we all know there's only one way to settle this: throw you down a mile-deep pit and have you tear each other limb from limb. Or starve to death. Which wouldn't take long. more »
