filed under: stalkers

• Kirsten Dunst has a stalker. Is it an orthodontist looking for work? Zing-a-zing-zonggg!!!! (The Superficial)

• Elisha Cuthbert's hockey dude ex calls her "sloppy seconds". Do sloppy seconds bounce on ice? (Yeeeah!)

• Jessica Alba's boobs like calamari! Wait, we mean Campari. (F-listed)

• Helen Mirren goes snorkeling in a tankini. It's your move, Dame Judi. (Drunken Stepfather)

• Twilight vampire Ashley Greene just about gives you something to suck on (hint: A TIT!!!!!). (Thighs Wide Shut)

• Eva Longoria is a smoker on the DL. Bet you anything those are Benson & Hedges 110s. (Celebitchy)

• So Kate Moss and her unfrozen caveman boyfriend WEREN'T attacked by rogue Christmas ornaments after all. Cocaine is a hell of a drug. (The Superficial)

• Lindsay Lohan got kicked off Facebook. That's what YOU get for not playing your Word Twist move, bitch. (Holy Moly)

• Scout (dun DUN dun DUN) you'll be a woooomaaaaaann SOON. (Daily Stab)

• Kristen Stewart will play Joan Jett in the new Runaways biopic. Will she be licking some ch-ch-ch-ch-cherry bombs? (Anything Hollywood)

A woman's body was found yesterday morning in her car, parked outside Paula Abdul's home. God, as if poor Paula didn't have enough on her plate. Here's a news report, via Celebitchy:

A woman was found dead on Tuesday evening, near a home believed to be owned by Paula Abdul, Access Hollywood has learned.

A 30-year-old woman was found dead in a parked car in the Sherman Oaks, Calif. community the “American Idol” judge reportedly resides in. The woman was found sometime after 6PM on Tuesday after the Los Angeles Police Department received a tip from a neighboring agency, according to LAPD spokesperson Officer Karen Smith.

“Our Van Nuys division did receive a call from the Ventura County’s Sheriff. A woman’s parents reported her missing and they thought that she may be at Paula Abdul’s house,” Smith told Access. The parents of the woman reportedly believed their daughter was nearby Abdul’s home as she was reportedly “a big fan” of the “Idol” judge, Officer Smith told Access.

When authorities arrived, the unidentified woman was pronounced dead at the scene. Authorities are awaiting a coroner’s report to verify the cause of death.

Footage of a car parked on the street where the incident occurred, and shown on Fox News 11 in Los Angeles, who first reported the story, showed Paula Abdul stickers dangling from the rear view mirror. The station reported Abdul was reportedly taping an episode of “Idol” when the incident occurred.

Man, even Paula Abdul has a suicidal stalker, while we can't even get more than two people to comment on our blog.

"Hey Paula, hey hey, Paula. Can I take your picture, can I, please? Pleeeeease? No, I don't want to wait till you're done dropping a deuce. I wanna do it now. NOW! I'm just gonna take this convenient little camera phone and reach right over the wall of this here toilet stall and SNAP! Gotcha! I got a picture of Paula peeing! This is going straight to my Paula Abdul fansite!" And for the full story, we turn to MSNBC:

Most celebrities expect the occasional overzealous fan to snap an unflattering candid, but Paula Abdul’s eager star-stalker took it a step too far.

“A fan leaned over (a public bathroom stall) and took a picture, and I was mortified, and she didn't think there was anything wrong with it,” the “American Idol” judge told the L.A. Times. “I honestly was weirded out by that and she was so nervous that she thought I wouldn't even notice. I was like no, no, that's not cool. I said to her, ‘A real good tip: Don't do that to anyone else.’”

Once Paula ensured the potty pic was history, she proved her patience by posing for some more appropriate shots with the same fan.

This particular story created an absolute furor in the CelebNewsWire offices, with many Paula songs being reappropriated to include references to bodily functions. The standouts? "I pee standing up," "I pee sitting down," "We pee together cuz opposites attract." And "Gush, gush, hurry, hurry Paula, pee for me."

We're sure that meeting the man of your dreams and marrying him four months later (you know, cause otherwise he'd be deported) only to find out that he's a big old thief and fraud and criminal and whatnot can make a girl mighty paranoid. But we also think Brittany Murphy may be taking things a bit too far. The New York Daily News reports:

Is someone trying to harm Brittany Murphy?

A source who used to work for the perky star says she talks darkly of "a high-powered Hollywood player" who is allegedly stalking her.

And when her then-boyfriend, Simon Monjack, disappeared for 10 days in April, Murphy claimed he had been kidnapped by agents of this mysterious figure, says the source.

"When he came back, he had head injuries," says the former insider. "He was pale and sometimes had trouble standing."

Not only that, but the former staffer also claims Murphy said she was unable to pay him because the money had been used for ransom.

However, the alleged kidnapping seems to exactly coincide with the dates reported by The National Enquirer that Monjack, a British citizen, was jailed by U.S. immigration authorities for overstaying his visa.

Monjack, a screenwriter, is not short of enemies. Several anonymous sources have posted unflattering stories on the Internet about his past relationships. On June 13, a man identifying himself as Arturo Globenfeldt posted a message on Monjack's Imdb.com page claiming he owes him $16 million in film investment money. Globenfeldt, whose blog indicates he is in Portugal, did not immediately respond to an e-mail.

A rep for Murphy also did not respond to a request for comment.

Arturo Globenfeldt. Arturo Globenfeldt. Globenfeldt. We think that name may get more play in our private thoughts than Blake Fielder-Civil. Anyway, what do you want to bet that when Monjack was hauled off to prison his one phone call was to a guy named Moose or Paulie or some such to set up a fake kidnapping plot? Because as any good thieving boyfriend would know, those Uptown Girls residuals are better spent on clandestine trips to Vegas than on buckets and buckets full of glittery makeup.

When you think of celebrities who are at the most risk of receiving death threats from crazed fans/My Sister Sam enthusiasts, who comes to mind? Angelina Jolie? Paris Hilton? Tom Cruise? In any case, we bet Hilary Duff falls somewhere between Madonna's hairstylist or that creepy guy from Kyle XY. We obviously don't think like a crazed maniac though (at least not early in the morning). Canada.com reports (via Celebitchy):

Duff was being interviewed Tuesday by MuchMusic host Leah Miller on Live @ Much when a man in the crowd outside the studio started shouting at the 19-year-old star. According to an eyewitness, the unidentified man vowed to kill Duff, prompting several police officers to tackle him.

“The cops slammed his face into the pavement,” said photographer Todd Gillis, who witnessed the incident. “He was bleeding.”

The commotion happened just metres from an outdoor platform where Duff later stood to greet fans who surged forward for autographs and pictures.

Taking out Hilary Duff doesn't sound like the road to Mark David Chapman level infamy, but what do we know? We hear the guy who tried to shoot up Bret Michaels is in the top 4 on Romanian Idol.

We have been known to jest about Hilary Duff in the past. Mr. Ed may have been mentioned, there may have been jokes about a dentist who specializes in implanting novelty teeth into the mouths of women named Hilary (Duff and Swank), disparaging remakes may have been made in regards to Agent Cody Banks or Raise Your Voice. But we do not wish Hilary Duff any bodily or mental harm. We do not enjoy stalkers because every once in a while they turn out to have some follow through like the man who shot that nice girl from My Sister Sam, and we prefer our starlets alive and healthy and capable of withstanding our constant mockery. more »