filed under: Spencer Pratt

We promised ourselves and you, our most honorable readers, that we would never write about Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. But the two crazy kids done went and got theyself married, so we're breaking our promise. We'll let US do the dirty work:

Introducing, Mrs. Heidi Montag Pratt!

The Hills star wed her longtime beau, Spencer Pratt, in a secret ceremony in Cabos San Lucas, Mexico, on Nov. 19, Us Weekly reports in its newest issue (the published date of Thursday, Nov. 20 was misreported). See exclusive photos wedding photos in Us Weekly's new issue, on stands Wednesday.

"The minute we said our vows, I couldn't stop crying," Montag, 22, tells Us.

That's funny, because the minute we heard this story, we couldn't stop dry heaving and shitting uncontrollably.

Let us never speak of them again. more »

The two most odious humans alive (we mean Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, obviously) can afford a $12 million beach house in Malibu. In related news: How's that retirement fund coming along? You break three grand yet? Yeah, we didn't think so.

• Jessica Simpson gives herself a breast exam. "Are they still big? Yep. Yep. Still big." (Egotastic)

• Hey, ladies. Hold on to your panties and your cocktails, because Kiefer Sutherland is single! (Derek Hail)

• Tina Turner says that Beyonc้ will never be rock n' roll. Oh yeah? Well guess what, Tina? You'll never be polka! Eat that! (Female First)

• Shania Twain has learned an important lesson: don't marry a straw-haired producer of bombastic rock music and live in seclusion in Europe lest straw-haired producer runs off with the manager of your Swiss chateau. Oh, that's a story as old as the hills. When will they ever learn? (Hollywire)

• Every part of Kristen Bell is adorable. Up to and including her wee booty. (The Blemish)

• The Hills's Whitney Port becomes Titney Port when she slipples nipple. (Drunken Stepfather)

• And speaking of Hills douches, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt get fingered. (Allie Is Wired)

• Ten Toys that Made You Gay. (Cityrag)

• Joss Stone explores another girl's dental work. With her tongue. (I Don't Like You In That Way)

• Gossip Girl's Blake Lively cavorts on beach with Penn Badgley. And one of them is wearing a bikini, but we won't spoil it and tell you which! (F-Listed)