CelebNewsWire - The skinny. The scoop. The Hollywood poop. Wherever there is a nipple slip, we'll be there. If there's a party, you'll find us doing shots with Lindsay Lohan and upskirt flashing alongside Britney Spears. Wherever Paris Hilton is breaking the law, you'll see us. If there's a celebrity sex tape, we will find it. Nude stars, drunk stars, scandals, hookups, breakups? Let CelebNewsWire be your guide. Hold our hands. Come inside.
The Hollywood poop.
filed under: see-through shots
February 19, 2009
CNW Junk Drawer: Golden R-earring
• Pam Anderson straps on the golden thong and jiggles it. Just a little bit. (IDLYITW)• Zahara and Shiloh Jolie-Pitt are cooler than you, and they can't even read. (Pop on the Pop)
• Slumdog Millionaire star Freida Pinto has a secret husband. She's keeping him on the DL because he's so very attractive. (Anything Hollywood)
• Pussycat Guy Nicole Scherzinger slips a nip. And what a nip it is. (The Blemish)
• Let's play Celebrity Ass Pick. It's more fun than Cootie! (Cityrag)
• 16-year-old Miley Cyrus's femme underwear model boyfriend Justin Gaston says he "looks up" to her. Because she's really good with a flat iron and an eyelash curler. How does she DO that? (Faded Youth)
• Liev Schreiber desires man boobs. Perhaps he should talk to the male cast of Lost for tips. (Yeeeah!)
• Gisele Bundchen see through. Not a half-assed bra see-through either. There's nipple. That's right. (Drunken Stepfather)
• Aniston and Jolie will have a duel at high noon at the Oscars. (Allie Is Wired)
• Chace Crawford rejects Lindsay Lohan. Again. Because he's gay. And she's faux gay. (PopCrunch)
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February 13, 2009
Goldie Boldly Shows Her Oldies
You know how embarrassed you get when your mom tries to be hip and prove that she's not old and out of touch? The '90s were especially bad, when she wore belly shirts and got her tongue pierced and called your boyfriend "all that and a bag of chips." Poor Kate Hudson is still feeling that pain, only instead of push-up bras, her mom wears no bra. Hey, look, you can see Goldie Hawn's nipples right through her shirt, just like she's Lindsay Lohan or something! See how young and hip she is? Before you know it, she'll be cast as one of Blair and Serena's classmates on Gossip Girl.
December 05, 2008
Posh Spice Puts It on Display
Hey look, everybody, Vicky B's got nipply T's! That's all. Thank you for your time.
December 04, 2008
Felicititty
A skinny girl, a bathtub, a wet shirt, running eyeliner, a few bruises, a sad face, and some see-through nipples. You'd think it was 1996 and you were looking at the cover of a Fiona Apple or PJ Harvey record but no, it's delightful, curly-haired moppet Keri Russell in Details magazine. Which makes it 1998.Her latest film—Bedtime Stories, in theaters December 25—is being distributed by family-friendly Walt Disney Pictures. She stars opposite Adam Sandler. “It’s funny and it’s a movie that kids can see,” Russell says. “But it’s still got Adam’s crazy sense of humor. It’s not totally nicey-nice.”It's just like she's LL Cool J in "I'm that Type of Guy", only instead of a sneaky freaky brother sneakin' in from the rear, she's a fuckable girl coming up from the rear. And, apparently, the fuckable girl who goes plushie, but we can't think of any song lyrics that involve frottage with teddy bears:
“Working with Keri was the best,” says Sandler. “She would bring her son to the set to play with my daughter. She also taught me all the dances from her days as a Mouseketeer. Plus, every day at lunch we’d have a curly-hair competition, and I would win—except on humid days.”
When asked whether moviegoers should expect an onscreen romance between the two, Russell answers bluntly. “We’re at odds at the beginning, and there is certainly a more, um—how shall I say this? —fuckable girl in it,” she says. “That’s actually her name: Fuckable Girl.” She pauses, then gives her character a little credit. “But I come up from the rear.”
December 01, 2008
Geri Halliwell's Ass Is Swell
Poor Ginger Spice. In the '90s she got all the attention, what with her sexy curves and all that stuff that people with penises seem to enjoy. But now no one pays much attention to her. She didn't marry a hunky football star. She doesn't have rock-hard half-coconut-shell boobs. She's not BFFs with Katie Holmes. Poor Ginge. Sometimes the lack of attention gets to her and she has to lash out, do something to make the public take notice. Like name her baby Bluebell Madonna. But that's sort of worn off by now, and no one's looking at Geri anymore. What to do, what to do? We know! Why not cut out a portion of the seat of her dress and replace it with a mesh window? Nice. But for modesty's sake—or in case she finds herself needing to take a seat on a rain-soaked bus bench—we hope Geri had the forethought to install some mini blinds.
November 17, 2008
The Banger Titters
On the 13th, Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell showed up at Quincy Jones's Q Prize Presentation. And she made her Private Benjamins public with a very see-through schmatte. What sort of out joke should we go with here? "Laugh In, tits out"? "The Out-of-Bra-ers"? "Breast Becomes Her"? "Butterflies Are Free . . . and so are her yabbos?" more »
October 22, 2008
Hey Look, Everybody, It's Angelina Jolie's Nipples!
Remember how scandalized you were when you saw that tart Angelina Jolie breastfeeding a baby on the cover of W magazine? A magazine! That your children can see while you wait in line at the grocery store! They might as well put the Playboy centerfolds right on the newsstand, know whauhm sayin'? Save your disgusting bodily functions for the porno mags, sicko heathens. Well, anyway, hold onto your bonnets, because it's about to get way worse. And by that we mean nipples! Nudity! In a high-fashion magazine! Have you ever heard of such a thing? We are so appalled. So appalled that we are going to post the pics right here, on the front page. Because we may be prudes, but we're no fucking pussies. 
more »
October 08, 2008
Bounce. Bounce. Bounce. Bounce. Bounce. Bounce.
You know how people complain about Barbie dolls and how their proportions are anatomically impossible? Like, how if Barbie were a real woman her measurements would be 42-14-28 or something? Well, we're here to tell you. It's possible. These proportions exist and their name is Lindsay Lohan. Behold! Behold the Amazonian convexities of temptress Lohan! With her long blonde hair, slightly parted lips and bent elbow, and mammoth boobs resplendent and nipples visible in a see-through shirt, she's a Barbie come to life. A Barbie that secretly slams her shiny plastic crotch against that of DJ Skipper in the privacy of their own Dream House. The tiny McDonald's! The pink Corvette! In the camper and in the nursery of the Heart Family home--the plasticine lust of Firecrotch Barbie and DJ Skipper knows no bounds!DJ Skipper and miniature Mattel strap-on sold separately. Ages 18 and up.
September 18, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Keeping Up with Her Ass-ian
• Your daily dose of Kim Kardashian's rotund rumpus delecti. (F-listed)• Nicole Richie allegedly kicks Joel Madden to the curb. Joel responds by kicking it to Mischa Barton. (Yeeeah!)
• Elle MacPherson named the greatest model of all time. Janice Dickinson is somewhere guzzling Drano right now. (Daily Stab)
• Hilary Swank was hospitalized to remove a "small benign growth". Her penis, right? (Celebitchy)
• Ryan O'Neal and his son Redmond bond. By getting busted for meth together. This makes Tatum's bust look kind of classy.(Derek Hail)
• Joe Francis opens his douche-hole to say he thinks Lohan is straight and just going through a phase. Who wouldn't give up men after screwing Joe Francis? (CelebWarship)
• 15-year-old Miley Cyrus has a boyfriend. He's 20. And an underwear model. This should be good. (Hollywood Grind)
• Do you have the balls to . . . name that celebrity cameltoe? (Cityrag)
• Shauna Sand wears a see-through dress to match her see-through shoes. (Drunken Stepfather)
September 10, 2008
Jennifer Aniston Blocks It All
In the 
August 25, 2008
Lohan. Ronson. Boobums.
Look! It's Spy Vs. Spy. No, no, it's actually Lindsbian Lohan and her chuff-munching chum, Samantha Ronson, enjoying a stroll in Hollywood this weekend. What are they trying to say with those matching outfits? Sam is an angel and Lohan, with her past smelling of SUV crashes and Jared Leto's balls, is the bad guy? Or maybe it's some obscure gay lady "top/bottom" code, like when dudes at the leather bar put a purple handkerchief in their back pocket to signify forbidden anal pleasures? Actually, it's more likely another way for Lindsay to go braless and trot out that magnificent rack once again. Bouncing along, as if to say, "Not only are we attached to a famous female you won't likely meet, but said famous female has grown weary of your sex and now only allows the delicate hands of the fairer sex to cup these." Like a delectable, nipply carrot in front of our nose, they dangle. Taunting. Mocking.
August 21, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Ricky Martin is a Leather Daddy
• Prison Break's Jodi Lyn O'Keefe breaks out of the prison that is her dress. Well, kinda. It's see-through. (Fatback)• What's the first nude scene you ever seen? (Mr. Skin)
• Ricky Martin becomes the father of twins without the pesky intervention of one of those yucky whaddayacallems. Vaginas. (Yeeeah!)
• Courtenay Semel, ex of Lindsay Lohan and current poon pal of Tila Tequila, got arrested. But isn't it funny that a gay lady's last name is one letter away from "semen"? (The Blemish)
• A loving, moving tribute to the French maid uniform. (Holy Taco)
• Janet Jackson is designing a lingerie line. Each bra comes with a Justin Timberlake to facilitate breast release. (Derek Hail)
• Paris Hilton brings her cha-cha cheese to England in hopes of finding a friend. (CelebWarship)
• Jennifer Aniston is one step away from OK Cupid and J-Date. (IDLYITW)
• Penis is kryptonite to Britney Spears's hotness. (Hollywire)
August 14, 2008
We Can See Right Through You, Eva Longoria
We know our readers. If our comments are to be believed, they all live in, we're guessing, India, have a minimal grasp on the English language, and love "soxy woman," "bobbs," and "neeples." We are here to serve you, oh semi-literate foreign lover of flesh. So we know that you do not want to hear about Eva Longoria "desperately" trying to have a baby (ho ho, US, you do possess the wit, don't you?). No, you want to see a picture of Eva Longoria's dark nipple desperately trying to free itself from a light-colored sheer dress. You are the master, and we are here to serve. more »
July 31, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Slip n' Slide
• Marisa Miller works the runway wearing the latest in swimwear and silicone/polymer based body oil. (F-listed)• Ali Lohan auditions for the director of Bun Sisters 12. (Yeeeah!)
• Rihanna is easy, breezy, beautiful, unCovered Girl. In a see-through shirt. That shows nipple ring. (The Blemish)
• Madonna is one step away from having Waylon Flowers's hand up her ass. (Cityrag)
• A touching, moving photo montage of Kristen Bell in her pantaloons. (Holy Taco)
• You can't beat Jessica Simpson! No, seriously. Don't beat her; that's mean. (Daily Stab)
• Superbad's Emma Stone is supercute. (Fatback)
• Amanda Bynes is Nickelodeyummy in butt-stranglingly tight workout gear. (Drunken Stepfather)
• John Mayer will be the godfather of the SimpsWentz spawn. He will teach it to land hot chicks and make the most heinous guitar faces ever. (Allie Is Wired)
July 10, 2008
Hell, Boy, It's Selma Blair's 2
If our disgruntled uncle Amos is to be believed, California is full of fruits and nuts and New York City is full of bohemian weirdos. And it appears that one of those bohemian weirdos is actress/pixie Selma Blair, who donned a sheer shirt to wander around New York yesterday. And in addition to being a bohemian, she is some sort of voodoo queen or possibly an alchemist because even though the top is completely see-through, the two seams that run across the front almost completely cover her actual nipples, no matter which way she turns and bends. Come into our cut and ponder Selma's boobular black magic. You'll scratch your head. And jiggle your nuts.more »
June 19, 2008
Ring-hanna
Rihanna's got a reputation as a good girl--a teetotaling sweetheart teen who eschews Hollywood excess in favor of ice cream socials and lime rickeys with that nice Chris Brown boy. So it comes as a bit of a surprise to see pictures of Rihanna in a see-through shirt that highlights not only her bralessness, but a nipple ring. You know what type of folks have nipple rings, right? That's right. Gay men. And aging goths who have taken 9 to 5 jobs and keep one nipply link to their Bauhaus-laden real lives hidden under their suits. Though that doesn't explain why she's wearing a parachute on the red carpet. Maybe the nipple ring is actually a ripcord. 
June 18, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: An Emmy's Just Like a Razzie, Right?
• Lindsay Lohan has pulled a Heigl and withdrawn her name from the Emmy race. To which the Emmy panel said, "OK. Sounds good. Who's Lindsay Lohan?" (Celebitchy)• Mickey Rourke takes his new face out to ogle some gay stripper's grape-smugglers. (Yeeeah!)
• Keanu Reeves is seeing China Chow. You're also seeing China Chow. Seeing her topless, that is. In related news, China Chow is not kibble for Chinese people that comes in a 15 lb bag. Who knew? (Taxi Driver)
• Jennifer Lopez and Unfrozen Caveman Husband take their spawn out for some fresh air. (Faded Youth)
• Forget danceoffs; Mel B is getting her revenge on Eddie Murphy with an album called Beverly Hills Cock. That sounds nice. (Daily Stab)
• The many toups of Jeremy Piven. (Cityrag)
• Nicole Richie gets her Mrs. Roper on. (Seriously OMG WTF?!)
• Gisele Bundchen speaks highly of beau Tom Brady; says he "doesn't have a bad bone in his body." That's right, because his bad bone is in YOUR body. Swish! (CelebWarship)
• Boil some water and get some clean sheets--Britney's on her way to Lousiana to be there for Jamie-Lynn's birthin'! Wait a minute, we're talking about Spearses. Boil some Diet Mountain Dew and get some dirty sheets! (The Hollywood Gossip)
• Puffy Dangle Doobie Diddle waxes his nutbag. It is imperative that we know this. (The Blemish)
• Kate Moss dons a tasteful, maternal see-through dress to take her daughter for a stroll. (Flisted)
• Anne Hathaway is all, "there once was a man from Nantucket." (WENN)
June 13, 2008
Mischa Barton: Boots n' Boobs
It appears that when one's accessories become the crux of the outfit, as Mischa Barton's staggeringly hilarious boots, laden with swingy gewgaws, have, one must dispense of more necessary parts of the outfit. Like a bra. Like Sacajawea leading Lewis and Clark across the American West, Mischa leads us into unknown and unchartered land--sartorial hideousness. As Sacajawea ended up immortalized on a golden coin, so Mischa Barton's nipples too become immortalized in your masturbatory fantasies. Coin, spank bank, same thing.
May 02, 2008
Jessica Alba Provides Milky Nourishment for Your Eyes
Normally, we'd take any racy, suggestive, or nude pictures we cared to share and place them under a cut for the sake of discretion and our ongoing campaign to keep you all from getting fired. However, we're not going to bother when it comes to these shots of Jessica Alba wearing a semi-sheer dress over her cup-runneth-over pregnancy rack. Why not? Because. If your boss comes over to your desk and grouses about you looking at nipples during work time, you can just say that you are admiring the natural miracle of life blossoming before your very eyes. "There is nothing more beautiful than an expectant mother glowing while preparing to nourish her infant with nature's perfect food, created directly from her own body, do you not agree?" you'll ask your boss. And he or she will obviously have to agree and then give you a promotion and a raise so he/she doesn't seem like an insensitive philistine. In summary, looking at pictures of nipples at work will win you a corner office and mad influence. Soon to be a cassette series availabe via Fingerhut.
more »
April 29, 2008
Holey Shirt, Mischa!
Mischa Barton is known for several things. She's known for her terrible taste in men, her extremely pretty Breck girl hair, and her questionable sartorial taste. Mischa is currently in Sydney for the MTV Australia Awards and was snapped showing off the three things for which she is known (minus the gross guy part). It appears that at present, Mischa is taking her MTV duties seriously by taking fashion cues from the most popular music videos of the early to mid 1980s. Is that bra-baring shirt more reminiscent of the lady who crawls up the stairs in Ratt's "Round and Round" or Pat Benatar's toilet-paper skirt from "Love is a Battlefield"? You half expect her to bust out a shoulder-wiggling dance and throw a drink in the face of a guy with a gold tooth. We arrrrrre strong!
April 24, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: A Whole Bundch of Side Boob
• Gisele gifts us with the side of her supermodel superbooble. (Drunken Stepfather)• All hail the Poshycat Doll. (Daily Stab)
• Kids, heed the sad tale of Naomi Campbell's hairline: weave abuse leads to baldness. (Yeeeah!)
• Rihanna has a crotch that emits mystical hot pink beams! (Cityrag)
• More Mischa Barton titty buttons from Closing the Ring. Now with video! (Egotastic!)
• Julia Roberts stinks. (FemaleFirst)
• Julianne Moore shows Moore of herself. Namely, nipples. (Fatback)
• Billie Piper flashed a peck of freckled poppers. (Hollywood Tuna)
• Amy Winehouse spends a night being dainty and demure. (CelebWarship)
• Miley Cyrus in a typical MySpace picture pose. I.e., with exposed underwear. (Pop Crunch)
March 05, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Sweet Leaf
• Jenna Jameson, looking Bratz-ier than ever. (F-listed)• No, my first name ain't baby. It's Janet. Miss Rackson if you're see-through. (Hollywood Tuna)
• Lindsay Lohan goes back to red, lays off the burnt umber fake bake, approaches former Mean Girls-era loveliness. (Allie Is Wired)
• Keanu Reeves and Parker Posey. Two great stoners that stone great together. (Lainey Gossip)
• Perhaps they should head over to the radio station to tear into a box of Scooby Snacks with Ashlee Simpson. (Yeeeah!)
• Mental wounds not healing. Life's a bitter shame. Julia Roberts is going off the rails on a crazy train.(Cityrag)
• Hayden Panettiere's mom is "very proud" that her teenage daughter is moving in with 31-year-old Milo Ventimiglia. Awwww. (FemaleFirst)
• Cruz Beckham, spawn of David and Posh Spice, is a SUPERSTAR. (Bitten and Bound)
• Kevin Federline's gut threatens to Popozao out of his golf shirt. (Hollywood Backwash)
• To Paris Hilton, "foreign-looking man with long gray beard" = the path to spiritual enlightenment. (Hollywood Grind)
February 04, 2008
Halle Berry's B.A.P.s
So if it isn't enough that Halle Berry consistently tops every "Sexiest Prettiest Hottest Most Desirable and Attractive Comely Dame" poll and is widely assumed to be one of the most physically fortunate persons alive, she has to go and put on a shirt made of black spiderwebs or cheesecloth or something. Just to prove that in the ninth month of her pregnancy, when most women are cursing life and in hideous discomfort, she still looks better than most 22-year-old beachwear models. Even with that curious Oprah '07 coif. And for all of you miscreants crying into your keyboards because today's Sexy Lady Story® is about a pregnant lady: hey, look at that belly button. It's like getting three nipples.(More pics at Drunken Stepfather) more »
January 31, 2008
Pompeo and Circumstits
Katie Holmes dons wide-leg pants and Barney's is sold out within the week. Katie Holmes cuts her hair into a newscaster bob, and thousands of women across this land of ours head to the Hair Cuttery and follow suit. Katie Holmes runs a marathon sweat-free and minus a bra, her Scientolotits swinging about like Stevie Wonder's head, and the rest of her peers ape her once again. Ellen Pompeo, of television's Grey's Anatomy, recently took an impromptu spin around the block in a tissue paper top, handful of keys, and your chubby 13-year-old brother's jeans. Get the look easily with the new corset top from Stella McCartney--one breast is lifted to the collarbone, while the other is crushed mercilessly down to the navel to simulate the natural running motion. Blood stains from brutalized nipples are this season's footless tights! Chafed is the new black! Looks great with your abortion pendant!
January 30, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: "Stinkin'. S-T-I-N-K-I-N."
• Uma Uma Uma mow mow ma ma Uma mow mow. In a bikini. (Though, going by the cast on her arm, these may be old, mow mow) (Hollywood Tuna)• Britney's still on the loose, and so are her breasts. (Taxi Driver)
• Kate Hudson says that Matthew McConaughey smells like hot garbage. (Yeeeah!)
• Sean Young's fun-loving, booze-guzzling ass heads to rehab. And the softcore thriller industry grinds to a screeching halt for 90 days. (IMDb)
• J. Lo and Corpsey plan to name their twins after the costar of Doogie Howser, M.D. and the plus size hostess of various E! programs. (Daily Stab)
• Diora Baird makes with the MySpace-style nudie shots. (Drunken Stepfather)
• Nicole Richie plans on getting back down to fighting weight ASAP. Fighting weight being 83 lbs. (Celeb Parasite)
• In the midst of a family intervention, Britney buys a new Mercedes. Because she can. Suck it, bitches! (GlossLip)
• Amy Winehouse's mom is a regular ray of sunshine; talks headstones and caskets. (Holy Taco)
January 24, 2008
No Visitation Rights; No Bra
Last week, we didn't want to post any more Britney stories because they were too sad. Today, Heath Ledger stories are too sad, so we're lightening the mood with a little Britney. We are terrifically complex. Yesterday, Britney arrived at an L.A. courthouse for more super incredible deposition fun. However, what she didn't realize is that just showing up at the courthouse, then turning on your heel and leaving doesn't count. You actually have to talk to the funny man in the black robe with the wood hammer! What the hell! As a result: still no babies for you, Spears. Quoth the TMZ:
Britney Spears was shut down in her attempt to regain some sort of visitation. There are no changes. K-Fed has sole custody and no visitation for Brit for now.However, afterwards, she proved her mental stability by driving 100 mph on the wrong side of the road and then donned a see-through shirt sans bra in Petco, which she visited twice. The second time to pick up her new personal assistant, whom she left in the Kong aisle. And also, apparently, to tease all the poor dogs in the store with the mouth-watering Pupperoni she was smuggling under her top. Dogs don't know it's not real teat. Teat, meat, whatever.
Brit arrived at the courthouse and went through the metal detector, but then had a change of heart and didn't want to go inside the courtroom.
Sources told TMZ Brit wanted visitation restored in a "therapeutic setting" -- meaning under the treatment of medical professionals -- but that wasn't gonna happen, especially since she never showed to make a plea. The Court noted Brit's absence.
As we first reported, Brit has some sort of bipolar disorder. The Commish has repeatedly ordered her to get a medical evaluation, but she has refused to comply.
January 16, 2008
CNW Junk Drawer: Leg-Spreading and Fetus-Getting
• Cleava Mendes. (Drunken Stepfather)• "Dear Brad Renfro. We came over to fuck you but you were dead. Love, Tiffany and Amber." Rest in peace, Brad. (Fatback and Collards)
• We want to "LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!!!!", honestly we do, but we just can't when she keeps flipping us her outer labes. (Taxi Driver)
• Jenna Jameson swears that she will "never spread her legs" for the porn industry again. She will spread Philadelphia's whipped strawberry cream cheese, though. It's the wonderfully spreadable, sweetly fruity topping with only 60 calories per serving! (IDLYITW)
• Alessandra Ambrosio caught Pregnant, too. (The Blemish)
• Zac Efron was rushed to the emergency room for an emergency highlighting. Those buttery chunks ain't gonna streak themselves. (Derek Hail)
• Lumps on Halle Berry's torso: now there are three. (Daily Stab)
• "Now that bulbs flashing more than ever/You can see under my dress, fellas. Ellas. Ellas. Ay. Ay." (Cityrag)
• Jennifer Garner may have been the original target of Tom's Cruise missile of love. (Superficial)
December 28, 2007
CNW Holiday Junk Drawer: 'Tis the Season to Be Drunky
Please allow these links to tide you over until January 2, when we will be hangover-free and ready to devote ourselves to bringing you nipple slips and Tinseltown fetuses once again.• Mischa Barton got arrested for DUI and drug possession. Way to be Scrooges, cops. (TMZ)
• Fergie is engaged! To a man, even! Flossy, flossy. (A Socialite's Life)
• Jessica Alba is also engaged. Awwww, now her baby won't be a bastard. Cute! (Derek Hail)
• Robin Wright and Sean Penn are not engaged, however. In fact, they are getting a divorce. Perhaps she finally got a glimpse of him in the cold hard light of day. (I Don't Like You In That Way)
• Et tu, Brendan Fraser and wife? Oh, Encino Man, why can't you and your onion field hair plugs make love last? (Celebitchy)
• The sirer of Jamie Lynn Spears's unborn doohicky might not be Casey Aldridge. It might, instead, be Kevin Federline. Juuuuuust kidding, it's some old dude. (Yeeeah!)
• Gaze upon these photos of Nicollette Sheridan in a bikini and be revived. And then note sadly that Michael Bolton is the master of that body, and shrivel, groaning in pain. (Drunken Stepfather)
• Sharon Stone trots out those nips for a trip around the block. (Celeb Warship)
• Lindsay Lohan might as well face it, she's addicted to dong. (Egotastic!)
• Leelee Sobieski. TeeTee Boobichesti. (The Blemish)
November 28, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: The Rigors of Touring
• Jennifer Love Hewitt is the new Kardashian. Bla-DOW! (The Blemish)• Flash go the cameras, and out winks the Halle Berry cotton cheek-splitter. (Taxi Driver)
• Brendan Fraser got his head replanted for the winter. (Cityrag)
• Something something about the Hogans . . . something divorce, lawsuit something something-or-other? Oh, whatever. You'd never see the Iron Sheik in this embarrassing position. (Derek Hail)
• Vintage Cindy Crawford--before the Pepsi commercial, before the Gere, back when Aaron Neville face goober was but a freckle on the horizon. (Drunken Stepfather)
• Amy Winehouse has cancelled all her tour dates. Her doctor cites "the rigors involved in touring" and "emotional strain" as the reasons. Which sound like legitimate medical excuses, right up there with "the vapors" and "consumption" and "the grippe". (The Hollywood Gossip)
• "Greetings and salutations. My eyebrows are on top of my skull." (Dlisted)
• Eva Green is a gorgeous gothick angel sent from crazy Joan Collins style heaven and placed upon this earth to teach us all about beauty and love and eyeliner. (Lainey Gossip)
• Face it--you're never going to touch Jessica Alba. So instead, set your sights on her slightly more attainable stunt double! (Daily Stab)
November 12, 2007
No Copperfield in Sight, Yet Claudia Schiffer's Bra Has Disappeared
Supermodel-turned-housewife Claudia Schiffer has been on our minds quite a bit lately, what with her ex-fiance, David Copperfield, being investigated for luring unsuspecting women to a tropical locale whereupon he honked them about the hooters and other unsavory doings. Did Claudia know about this? Had Copperfield ever employed this magic on her? Did she ever find herself exiled on Grope Island? Was their entire relationship a sham, Copperfield having employed his mind control hoodoo skills, forcing fair Claudia to sign away her innocence to the creepy magic man? These are the questions that weigh upon us at night. That, and wondering if she'll ever show us her nipples again. After the cut, one of those questions is answered. Guess which? more »
November 07, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Matt n' Mandy, Sittin' in a Tree
• Is our sweet angel Mandy Moore getting Binged? Oh Christ, NO! (Yeeeah!)• Our favorite opiate connoisseur, Porky Petey Dough-erty, has returned to form. Now with video! (Drunken Stepfather)
• And Pete's ex, Kate Moss, sports some really sharp needles of her own. (Taxi Driver)
• Jerry O'Connell has hot wife; poor self-esteem. (The Blemish)
• Famous nipples met flash, and a beautiful friendship was borned unto us. (Cityrag)
• Leelee Sobieski is packin' mad mammage. (Daily Stab)
• Jessica Simpson navigates metal grate in stilettos. Hilarity ensues. (Egotastic!)
• Eva Mendes shills for Campari. Up next, CelebNewsWire promotes Alize and Blue Nun! (Derek Hail)
• Rihanna and Josh Hartnett are doin' it: their babies will be large of forehead and beady of eye. (I Don't Like You In That Way)
• Which is causing poor Shia the Beef to marinate himself in a nice vodka rub. (PopCrunch)
• Rebecca De Mornay? No, Rebecca Dui Mornay. (TMZ)
October 30, 2007
Nicole Kidman Is Sheerly Lovely
So you haven't had a hit movie since, what?, The Hours, your marriage, while it is with a man of normal height who does not as far as we know worship aliens, is generally viewed as a tragic mess, your lips are beginning to implant themselves in Joan Rivers territory, and your new film is getting a bunch of Jesus lovers all uppity, which is never good for business. What do you do? Show off your panties! Way to go, Nicole Kidman. But while we're happy that Nic has sunk to this level or movie promotion, we're a bit confused. Yes, the dress is technically see-through. And, yes, we do see a bra there. But upon closer inspection this dress sure is on the chaste side, as far as see-through dresses are concerned. We're assuming she's wearing a thong, but we just can't see it. Nor can we see anything else. What we've got here is one big cock tease. She's saying, "Hey, sailors, look at me in this see-through dress. Aren't I sexy? Doesn't it make you want to see my new movie?" And you're thinking, "Yeah, maybe I will see that movie. She looks hot." But then as you're working up a boner you realize that all you really see is a bunch of lace. And if you wanted to get all hot over some lace, you'd open the doily drawer on your grandma's credenza. And speaking of your grandma and lace and doilies, take a look at Joan Collins. She's taking a different angle on the see-through thing, by pairing it with her sturdy Playtex 18-Hour Bra. And the weird thing is, in today's see-through battle, we're going to have to rule for Joan. She'd seduce you, marry you, and have all your assets transferred to her name before she'd even have to unhook that 18-Hour Bra, and Nicole would probably spend that whole time yelling at her assistant that she asked for pineapple-scented candles in her goddamn dressing room, not apple-scented candles.
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October 26, 2007
Albraless
Now this is a shot worth your attention. Your first instinct, we're sure, is to notice that Jessica Alba's shirt is completely see-through. Your heart swells, as do your reproductive parts, as Jessica Alba see-through shots are few and far between. Then you notice that she is wearing a brassiere, and you wither a bit, but not for long, as you note that said foundation garment is also sheer. Your erectile tissues fill with blood anew, until it become apparent that your worst fears are actually true. Jessica Alba has no nipples. Where are those things? You cannot make out pasties or patches or even latex paint. Sadly, your eyes then wander south and notice that she is wearing pants that would look at home on a Bratz doll, and you might as well stick a tombstone on your dingus because that thing is d-e-a-d dead. more »
CNW Junk Drawer: Biel 'Brella Bashes Like Britney
• Now that it's raining more than ever/know that Biel still hates the paparazzi/You can get beat by her umba-rella/You get beat by her umba-rella, ella, ella, ay, ay, ay. (Egotastic!)• Britney Spears pretends she has narcolepsy, which is not an oozing venereal disease, like one might automatically assume. (Yeeeah!)
• Katie "Jordan" Price gives a hot blow job!!! She'll really straighten you out! (Drunken Stepfather)
• Work that butt chin, Jessica Simpson. (IDLYITW)
• Now we know what Heidi Klum sees in Seal. (Pssst! It's his enormous penis!!!!) (Derek Hail)
• Happy Halloween! Please stick your candle into Christina Ricci's pumpkins. She was Wednesday Addams, after all, so this is plenty relevant. (Cityrag)
• Find out what happens when Dinas stop being orange and start gittin' REAL. (Fatback and Collards)
• And speaking of questionable Lohans (are there any other kind?), Michael is dressed like it's twink night at the Wet Piston, wtf. (Celeb Warship)
• Rwanda postponed its visit from Paris Hilton, presumably because it needed to reinforce its herpes levees. (Celebitchy)
• Scarlett Johansson knows that nothing says "we're casually dating, I'm kind of into you" than forcing your boyfriend to don your body parts around his neck like a gilded noose. (The Blemish)
October 19, 2007
Thurman: See Hermams
Uma Thurman is presently dating Arpad Busson, who is some sort of businessman best known for impregnating Elle Macpherson twice. And it's obvious that this Mr. Busson has a type. Very tall, very blonde, very built, very toothy. Oh, and with a yen for fashion that leans toward "transparent". Were Arpad Busson to fill out a match.com profile, he would shun listing the usual interests--"long walks on the beach" and "working out" and "double penetration"--in favor of "tulle" and "chiffon" and "organza" and "cellophane". And "windows". OK, we're done. Check out Uma's CLEARly superior fashion sense after the cut. God, what a pun! What a pun! more »
September 10, 2007
Rachael Ray Cooks Up Something 'Neath Her Dress
Titty Monday continues with celebrity kitchen type person Rachael Ray. Rachael is either sporting nipple patches, has incredibly shiny areolae with mathematically perfect radii, or she was cooking some strombolis and dropped hot, oily pepperoni down the front of her dress, which then lodged themselves perfectly over her conkers. All three scenarios are equally plausible, but we're going with the pepperoni theory, because it's the most delicious of the trio.
August 01, 2007
Nipples/Make the People/Come Together
Look at Madonna's arms. They're thick and ropy. Bulging veins. Skin straining against the swelling within. Throbbing. Masculine. Probably musky. Much like your ding dong, after you look at pics of her in a wet t-shirt. After the cut! more »
July 20, 2007
The Mammary Equivalent of Paris Hilton's Eye
Move over, Sunken Tits, there's a new Doctor in town!Now, Tara Reid might not be the shiniest coin in the fountain, but she's had her boobs done twice, and we doubt that the second time she asked the doctor if he could make it so her left one was constantly swinging against the top of her foot, like a benippled pendulum. If you look closely, you'll see that Tara really doesn't have a trapezoid tit. One of them is wedged up a little higher, but the pointing effect is just an unfortunate accident of shiny fabric, puckering, shadows, and lighting.
Sorry to spoil your fun. Oh, the Easter Bunny's a fake, too.
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July 18, 2007
Sadie Frost Gets Nipply, Eva the Diva Gets Licky
We blew our "Sexy Lady Story" wad on Monday with Paris, Lindsay, and Ashley, so it's only fitting that today be marked by nothing more erotic than dogfighting busts and Posh Spice taking the kids out for some Jack Daniels battered shrimp at TGI Friday's. Luckily, Taxi Driver came through with this sweet pic of Jude Law's ex, Sadie Frost, her nipples blasting their way through a bra and a layer of cotton. And for all you little shavelings who are more High School Musical than Dracula, let us make things slightly more current: America's Next Top Model alum Eva Marcille/Pigford may have a sex tape. Commenters on the site have helpfully pointed out that the eye color of the girl in the picture is not that same as Eva's, and the sex girl has a mole on her chin, so it's probably not her. We've conducted our own thorough analysis and research involving a graphing calculator, an abacus, and nonstop masturbation and have concluded that the the girl in the picture has a penis on her face. Thanks, just throw that physics Nobel Prize on the pile next to the others. more »
June 27, 2007
Take a Plunge Into Britney Spears Cleavagetown
It's a historical fact that the little toddler at the family holiday gathering who yanks up her dress and tears off her diaper, yelling, "SEE MY PEE-PEE? SEE MY PEE-PEE?" gets the most attention. Everyone knows that. However, it ceases to be cute around age 4. Britney Spears is 27. After the cut, she does that one thingie she does every day and we point it out for your entertainment. more »
June 25, 2007
Demi Moore Says, "Up with Nipples, Down with Fashion"
We don't know if you've been paying close attention, but lately we've been trying to expose you to the cutting edge of fashion, as demonstrated by Demi Moore. With each new ensemble she's proving that a positive attitude, a 'round the clock team of plastic surgeons, dermatologists, and Botox injection specialists, and a whole heaping load of twentysomthing dick can keep you looking young and fresh and relevant. But Demi also knows the true secret of fashion: When you've been putting off laundry day for far too long and you really need to leave the house in your last clean article of clothing, make sure your nipples are visible and no one will give a shit what you're wearing. more »
June 21, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Cuts Like a Knife
• Paula Abdul has a new contorted face! Look into her stretched eyes! Oh oh! She's been tellin' lies! (Yeeeah!)• Larry Birkhead thinks Dannielynn has her mom's pouty lips, long legs and chubby toes. Jury's out on who she takes after in the implant and veneer department, though. (I'm Not Obsessed)
• Britney stormed out of a photo shoot in a huff, never to return. Turns out they only had honey BBQ pretzel bites, not the buffalo ranch. (Daily Stab)
• German magician attempts to make Pam Anderson's breast ooze its way out of her bathing suit. (Hollywood Tuna)
• You know David Hasselhoff's ex-wife must be insanely f'ed up, because he got sole custody of the kids. Yaaaay, it's cheeseburger night! (Star Herpes)
• An odd fashion choice, even for Ashley Olsen. Perhaps she has joined a harem and is planning on seducing the sheik with her mysterious, semi-sheer, snakelike undulations. (Drunken Stepfather)
• How Jessica Simpson lost the
• Here are some surprisingly hot pictures of Lindsay Lohan taken by Bryan Adams. Because when you want to sex up your image, where else to turn than a pockmarked Canadian adult contemporary artist? It makes perfect sense. (Egotastic!)
June 06, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Porking a Model is the Best Revenge
• Angelina and Brad are thinking about adding a Czech orphan to their multi-hued brood. NO. F U. MORE SHILOH. (Derek Hail)• Brooke Hogan performs in frayed denim chaps. We haven't seen such creative scissors-meet-fabric self-styling since Billy's Squier's "Rock Me Tonite" video! (Drunken Stepfather)
• Nicole Richie pregnant. Yeah, rite. (Female First)
• Jennifer Aniston gets back at Brad for shacking up with Hollywood's most beautiful woman with the only possible revenge: dating a model. (Hollyscoop)
• Criss Angel dedicates a magic trick to new girlfriend Cameron Diaz. Uhhh, we think that sort of romance only works with musicians dedicating songs. Then again, who knows, maybe there are dentists out there saying, "This root canal goes out to my boo, Debbie. I love you, babygirl." (Celebitchy)
• Christina Aguilera and her husband. They sure do like costumes. (Hollywood Tuna)
• Elle MacPherson: She's still got it! And by "it" we mean "nipples". (Taxi Driver)
• Dawn Wiener's sweater puppies in Hostel 2. (Don't Link This)
• The Hoff got hassled by ex-wife and cops. (Yeeeah!)
• Katie Holmes threatens to bake up a fresh batch of Cruise juice into more spawn. (Glosslip)
• The Butterscotch Stallion to freely roam the plains again, whinnying and rearing and tossing his golden mane. (Lainey Gossip)
June 01, 2007
The Silence of Her Hams
Do not persecute us for posting this picture of Jodie Foster's rear (from TMZ, via SplashNews).1. It was the nakedest celeb shot we were able to unearth today
2. Jodie has a new movie coming out shortly, and perhaps posting her flanks encased in nylon will make it a summer blockbuster? We're happy to lend a hand
3. We've already posted Barbra Streisand's large, wobbly, sexagenarian Yentls stuffed into a blouse sans bra, so what the hey
4. We're imagining that Jodie was posing for an innocent photo shoot when the puppy from her original Coppertone baby butt shot approached, grizzled and limping and ancient and frail, and depantsed her one last time before gleefully exclaiming, "Rou've reen RUNK'D, Rodie Roster!"
5. Oh, shut up, baby. Here's some shots of Rihanna with cake on her crotch and Keri Russell with whipped cream on her jug. In case you have a sweet tooth in your drawers or something. more »
May 09, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Wiggin' Out
• "Pink bra. Pink push-up bra. Uhhh . . . acid wash. Skirt that's . . . acid wash with ball-point pen. Uhhh . . . wig. Bad wig. Bad, brown wig. Ratty brown--" "Things Britney Spears wears!" Ding ding ding! You just won $25,000 Pyramid! (Egotastic!)• Penny Kravitz? (Female First)
• What's in Scary Spice's upskirtish girl-folds? Is that underwear slipping away into her Murphy-soiled parts? A tampon string? Errant t.p. detritus? (Taxi Driver)
• Kate Moss wears sheer dress, shows what she's got up Top(Shop). (Drunken Stepfather)
• Paris Hilton is petitioning her fans to keep her out of jail. You should sign this petition to keep her in. Because if Bridget Jones 2 taught us anything, it's that jail is fun!(IDLYITW)
• We look at these pictures and imagine the sound Jessica Simpson's breasts were making as they were crammed, via shoehorn, into that dress. (Yeeeah!)
• Paris drove on a suspended license. Again. Yesterday. Seriously, go sign that petition. (D Listed)
• After a period of dark, self-imposed Timberlakian mourning, Cameron Diaz goes back to the blonde. (Cityrag)
• Enjoy a visit with Posh Spice v. 1.0. (ICYDK)
• Tom Sizemore, busted for meth. Just like your cousins Travis and Crystal Jean. (TMZ)
• Ashlee and Jessica do not suffer each other gladly. (A Socialite's Life)
• Depp's got two tickets to Paradis. Won't you pack your bags? We'll marry tonight. (Gabby Babble)
April 24, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Jonathan Rhyshab Meyers
• They try to make me wear a tee-shirt, I said, no, no, no. (Egotastic!)• They tried to make Jonathan go to Rhyshab, he said, no, no, n--well, okay. (Female First)
• John Krasinski from The Office and Renée Zellweger? OK, that sounds fine, carry on. (I'm Not Obsessed)
• Scarlett Johansson's handsome jumblies are SNL's new Hans and Franz. Because they'll pump (clap) you up. (Hollywood Tuna)
• Scary Spice's daughter is not named Fortuna, as previously reported. She's Angel Iris Murphy Brown. Because everybody loves Candice Bergen! (D Listed)
• Morgan Fairchild: she's still got (t)it! (Drunken Stepfather)
• Some rich Russian guy wants to pay Jennifer Lopez $2 million dollars to sing at a party. Little does he know that stateside, a J. Lo warbling usually goes for around $36.99 and a half a pack of Fruit Stripe. (IDontLikeYouInThatWay)
• It's been a few weeks since we've dipped our chalice into the lusty lake that is Jessica Biel's rotund squatter. Let's do. (Yeeeah!)
• Speaking of asses, here's Nicky Hilton's. She does not share her sister's unfortunate goiteresque gluteal growth. (Taxi Driver)
• Hilary Duff strokes a thick, wrinkled, fleshy tube. (Popoholic)
• Suri Cruise hits the party circuit. (Bricks and Stones)
April 23, 2007
Jennifer Tilly, Swaddled in Plastic
Jennifer Tilly showed up at some event somewhere this weekend, but the real story here is her dress. It's actually the collapsible roof from an Eagle Talon fashioned into a kicky frock. Why the plastic panels are across the parts of Jennifer's body we don't care about seeing is anyone's guess. But it's worth mentioning that she's now given up acting in favor of professional poker, because, you understand, we'd really like to poker. O ho! Oh ho ho ho ho ho! HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HOOOOOOO! Ho hooo ho ho oh ho ho ho. Oh ho! Ho ho! Yum, Ho Ho's. more »
April 19, 2007
Jessica Alba Sports Plenty of Makeup, Very Little In the Way of Pants
Like two sublime scoops of smoothly-milled instant mashed potatoes on a fifth grader's lunch tray they sit. Perched, quivering, waiting for your firm but tender caress. Velvety. Split down the center by a flirty cleave that beckons from deep within. Tauntingly, they remain swathed in sheerness or fully-clad. They are Jessica Alba's butt cheeks, and we invite you to gaze upon their gently rolling vista. more »
April 13, 2007
I'll Biel Seeing You In All the Old Mam-iliar Places
If our stats are to be believed, you guys are fairly partial to looking at pictures of Jessica Biel. So here is Jessica Biel ponying up some lightly lined softcup®: brassiere in photo form. Man. If only Jessica Biel were disgusting. Then we could transpose two letters of her last name and call her "Jessica Bile". If Perez Hilton has taught us anything, it's that nicknames are "hep" and "hella" with the kids. Very "grunge"! Yeah, you like that when we speak your language, huh, Generation Y (*eagerly making "shocker" with hand*). more »
April 05, 2007
Hayden Shows Panettieres; Is Not Lindsay
Hayden Panettiere--who, we just learned, is NOT one of those The Hills or Laguna Beach rich harpies but an actual actress, who knew--was spotted leaving a bar called L'Scorpion in Los Angeles on Tuesday night. The "L" in "L'Scorpion" is both pretentious and extraneous, but the real point of interest here is what went down when the Pavarottis mistook her for Lindsay Loho:It says a lot about Lindsay Lohan that the girl from Ice Princess ("From scholastic . . . to fantastic!") visibly blanches at the thought of someone mistaking her for LL. Then again, maybe if she doesn't want people to think she's Lohan, she should stop sporting the diaphanous sweater dress look.
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March 21, 2007
Scarlett, Rose, Nicky, and Janice Put in Qualifying Bids for the Flash-a-Lympics
Did someone declare today official poons 'n' pontoons day and forget to tell us? Because in our morning search for our Sexy Lady Story, we were barraged with upskirts, side boobs, see-throughs, anything that's hot but doesn't constitute actual nudity. It's as if all of Hollywood saw Lindsay Lohan's brave reveal of hose-clad clam and partial yam in one day and said, "Damn bitch, I can top that. Get a load of this!" After the cut, get a gander at the ladies' best efforts. more »
March 20, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: "Why Don't You Fuck Your Whole Movie?"
• Lily Tomlin thinks David O. Russell is a "motherfucker". David O. Russell thinks Lily Tomlin is a "cunt" and a "bitch". They Hate Huckabees! Two awesomely NSFW clips here. If you only watch one video of a comedienne and an overrated director trading cruel barbs and throwing set dressing around this year, make it this one.• YO, Samantuh! Ay oh, oh ay, you're showin' some cleave!
• Vince Vaughn: now 87% more bloated and stinky and crazy!
• Shanna and Travis. Reuinted and it feels so good. Together again, naturally. Baby, just one more try. And so forth and so on.
• Tara Reid eschews bra, trots out those Frankenteats yet again.
• Leonardo DiCaprio held peace talks with Israel's Vice Premier. Because if anyone can stop the fighting with Palestine, it's the homeless kid from Growing Pains.
• Paris and Jenna Jameson compare Fraggle weaves; vaginal chancres.
• We once made fun of Rose McGowan's strange new face. As it turns out, she almost lost her eye in an accident. Yarrr!
• The secret diaries of Anna Nicole are up for auction. "Deer diery. today i waked up and i eated some pasghetti. then i layd down on my can a pee bed and take a nap. then it was time for diner then i had sex with some gies. xoxox"
• Heigl kinda sounds like heinie.
• Salma Hayek sports the Ugly Betty/Love Story hybrid maternity look.
• The Dunst just Razorlights up a room, doesn't she?
March 07, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: "Spread 'em!"
• Courtney Love says she saw a gigantic pile of white powder at Paris Hilton's birthday party. So? It was just talc for Paris's new orange body/chalk face kabuki look (left).• Elizabeth Hurley got married. So . . . that's great. For her. Good job, or something.
• Sienna Miller says, "This year is the Year of the Slut! Spread 'em! That's my motto for 2007." Chinese New Year was just a few weeks ago, try. Now, we can't remember, is the Year of the Slut before or after the Year of the Tiger?
• Drop a little sumthin down some celebrity plumber's baby's daddy, too, LOL!" Yes, yes, O.J., we see you, honey. Yes, we're paying attention. That's very nice, sweetheart.
• Nicole Kidman pooped her bikini bottoms! Aw, we're just jerking your bird--it's just sand. Sandy poop!
• And speaking of sand, Shauna Sand seems to have lost her bra, along with the "Lamas".
• Eva Mendes, nude yet covered, featuring curious, hairless, cleave-less, poreless Barbie crotch.
• Britney is reportedly "struggling" in rehab. Apparently, she didn't know that there wasn't any ecstasy in there, y'all!
• Nicole Richie's boyfriend punched a lady in the titty!!!
• The power of voodoo. Who do? Angelina do. Do what? The voodoo.
March 05, 2007
Christina Aguilareola? Kind of.
Granted, we weren't really geniuses of physics during our high school years, but how is this possible? How is it possible that Christina Aguilera appears to have shunned any and all unmentionables, and yet1. Her big old blammos are still perched, unmoving, on her chest like two prized deer heads
2. She's wearing gray and the flash could not penetrate the cotton-rayon blend enough to show more than a suggestion of nipple, while Lindsay Lohan wears black and you can pretty much draw a relief map of her areolae?
The only possible answer is witchcraft, sorcery, or possibly hoodoo. more »
March 02, 2007
Lindsay Lohan: Sober and See-Through
Sobriety (or, at the very least, miming like you're sober) is a good thing, kids. Look at Lohan over there. All smiley and blue contacty and braless and sheer-like. In addition to her return to comeliness and seethroughosity, Lindsay is also a great American, donning bra-free black to commemorate her outfit from last September 11. NEVER FORGET. more »
February 26, 2007
American Idol's Antonella Barba Really Sucks. Really.
We weren't planning on (un)covering the pics of American Idol contestant Antonella Barba in various states of semi-dress/with a hog in her maw, but you know what? Our high school years were spent covered in spitballs, "kick me" signs, and suicidal ideation, so when super-tanned and highlighted kids whose teenage years you know played out like a real life Mean Girls get their comeuppance, we must take note. And post the embarrassing pictures. And laugh. And point. And feel pretty good about ourselves. And then go home. And cry. And write poetry about having an empty soul. And saw at our wrists with rubber-handled safety scissors.
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February 23, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: . . . and the Sorcerer's Bone
• Patricia Heaton is a conservative, but her dress sure ain't.• Scratch your head in wonder as you ponder the bizarre flap of flesh that resides between Janet Jackson's ubiquitous implants.
• Anna Nicole's former assistant, the beloved Kimmie, will be opening up tonight--for real this time--on The Insider. Pat O'Brien is gonna go fuckin' crazy with her.
• Anna Nicole will be buried next her her son in the Bahamas, it's been decided. Finally.
• Are Angelina and Brad presently purchasing the next member of their Benetton brood?
• Harry Potter proudly waves his trouser wand; doesn't make foreskin disappear. Make your own hung/horse joke here. NSFW.
• We had pretty much decided against posting any shots of the paparazzi bothering Britney Spears during her breakdown. But then we saw these shots/video of buzz-shorn B attacking a pap's SUV with an umbrella and had to share because 1. she looks, awesomely and deliciously, like her lesbian soccer team just lost a match and she felt compelled to deface her opponent's vehicle, and 2. we think she needs to call us immediately because we want to start an oi band with her.
February 07, 2007
CNW Junk Drawer: Freakishly Huge Testicles
• Kylie Minogue's been given the cancer all-clear. And, apparently, the all-clear to get unceremoniously dumped by that one guy who was in S.W.A.T.• Whoops, Eminem and Kim are NOT engaged again after all. They're married! Just funnin'.
• Anna Paquin gets see through. But don't touch her! Or she'll suck out your life force! Ahahaha! Hahahaha! Because . . . because she's Rogue. Get it? Um.
• Heather Graham. Bridget Moynahan. Movie lesbians. Suck on that, Tom Brady.
• Adrianne Curry is very, very surprised that America's Next Top Model wasn't the key to setting the modeling world alight.
• Christina Aguilera cooks in the nude for her husband. Most likely, bananas foster. Because he's a monkey, see.
• Seeing as how Drew Barrymore has a fetish for annoying, facially unfortunate men (Tom Green, that dude from Hole, etc.), it's no surprise to learn that she may be rubbing her business onto the smug, Shandling-esque mug of Zach Braff.
• Mischa Barton has allegedly dumped Cisco Adler not because he has freakishly huge testicles, but because everyone now knows that he has freakishly huge testicles.
• Charlize Theron is getting sued for not wearing fancypants expensive free watches for tons of scratch. What a world! What a world!
• Anne Hathaway is all "Oh, boo hoo hoo hoo hoo! I have beautiful hair! Waaaaah, my rack is rotund and perfect! Booooo, I'm famous and stunning! Pooooor me! Wah wah cry sob sob wah."
January 31, 2007
Leif Garrett Fondled This
It's not hard to figure out why Nicolette Sheridan is showing some see through nippage; after all, her name does sound an awful lot like Nipplette Share-idan. Now go back, reread that sentence, and find the third childish pun and you win a cookie! more »
January 15, 2007
Lindsay Lohan's Cans Are Sheerly Spectacular
Lindsay Lohan's been so busy lately. And with all the "emergency" "appendectomy" and the sprinting with Marlboro Red and the liver rot and the Wentzdoodling, we've lost sight of what's really important: her stupendous breasts. After the very NSFW cut, Lindy shows us the proper way to dress for a star-studded fashion function. more »
December 29, 2006
Poshly Spicy, and Certainly See-Through
After scouring the internets for an appropriate "sexy lady" story to post, we were faced with a difficult decision: Paris Hilton in a bikini showering off on a public Australian beach, or Posh Spice's silly faux breasts in a see-through shirt? Each of these women is equally offensive to our discerning tastes, but ultimately, we opted not to give Paris any press that could be construed as favorable. Posh in a see-through shirt: the choice is clear! Literally. more »
December 18, 2006
Britney Spears Is Totally Transparent
Jesus Christ, will somebody please give Britney Spears a fucking door prize or something? Yes, Brit, we see that you're wearing underwear. You actually strapped on a brassiere and a pair of panties. Noted, okay? Just give us another minute or two to put the finishing touches on your ticker tape parade. more »
December 15, 2006
Britney Blah Blah Flash Blah Underwear Blah Blah B . . . zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
We are a lazy sort by nature, and therefore we welcome the whole celebrity flashing thingie with open arms. And legs. Instead of sitting with pencil thoughtfully tapping against our pursed lips, laboriously trying to mold a thrilling entry about Kate Winslet getting a Golden Globe nomination or Hugh Jackman taking his son to the circus, all we have to do is post some titty shots and our readers are sated. Click "more" and take a pictorial journey through the last 48 hours in the life of Britney Spears. What sort of magical adventures will you encounter after the cut? Hobbits with magic rings? Hunting in the Ozarks with your trusty hounds? Discovering a secret garden in a gloomy English estate? Labia? more »
Talkin' Bout Nipples, Talkin' Bout Anne Hathaway Nipples
There was a time when we talked about Anne Hathaway nearly every day. We drooled and wagged our tongues over the thought of her rumored hardcore beaver-baring scenes in Havoc like a schnauzer presented with a snausage. But then we saw Havoc. And while the knockers were nice, there wasn't anything more, and Anne was replaced by sure things, like Britney's bald beefbox. But today we will take a brief sojourn and return to Anne as she talks about her red-carpet sheer-dress debacle of yore. more »
December 14, 2006
Britney Goes Old School With Boob Flash; Joan Collins's Claws Come Out
Britney Spears and Paris Hilton are no longer passing cleverly-folded 12-page notes in the hall, having sleepovers involving calling boys they like and hanging up, or like totally pigging out on Ruffles and fat-free Ranch dip while watching Shag: The Movie. A source told Page Six that "Britney has been told by her people that if she ever wants a comeback, she has to stay far away from Paris and start acting like an adult."
And so far the plan is working like gangbusters! Instead of having coozular lippage flapping in the breeze, she's only showing full boobs 'neath a classy crocheted shirt. more »
November 28, 2006
Oops! . . . I Flashed It Again. And Again. And Again.
Hey, readers. Hey. How's it going? Great, great.Friends, we are certain that you are asking yourselves why we just put that picture of Paris and her minion Spears--in a fully see-through shirt--on our front page when it is generally our policy to keep the pinkish bits confined to after cuts (see how we care about you and don't want you to get fired?). The answer is simple--this is the most demure picture we have of Britney Spears today. For real. Within the last twenty-four hours she has shed the last of her inhibitions and undergarments, and after the storied very NSFW cut, you will take a mystical journey to the very core of Britney Spears, so grab your lighted mining helmet, grappling hook, and a light snack--it might take a while for you to find your way back out. more »
November 22, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: "I Know How to Learn Anything I Want to Learn."
• Kirsten Dunst's teatlets meet a lace-paneled dress, peekaboo nippage ensues. The pictures are old, but so are you, geezer.
• John Mayer and Jessica Simpson are together again, naturally. Even though they say they weren't together in the first place. But they are now. Probably. Eh.
• Well, we had the dubious honor of viewing the Screech sex tape yesterday. What can we say about it? He refers to himself in the third person, as "the D Man", he is more interested in the various edibles the ladies have around their hotel room than their vaginas, and the first 15 minutes consist of Dustin and his lady in a bubble bath, discussing the finer points of 24. Fleshbot has their own review. And screencaps.
• Agent Scully had a baby! And despite her insistence that the child was sired by boyfriend Clyde Klotz, her ex-husband Julian Ozanne is demanding a paternity test. So we can find out it's half-alien. And then Mulder will watch porn and there will be sexual tension, etc.
• Australian Holly Valance's nipple boomerangs out of her swimsuit. Crikey!
• Keira Knightley is engaged to her actor arm candy Rupert Friend. Can you imagine calling up your parents and saying, "Mom, Dad, I am going to be Mrs. Rupert Friend"? And then your parents would howl with laughter and say, "Sure, and I'm about to marry Nigel Sparkleshowers! Ahahahaha! His best man will be Cecil Rhys-Babybunnybottom! Hahahahaha!"
• Penelope Cruz half naked for Pirelli. Why are you still reading this?
• Janet Jackson has made whoopee on a plane. In her seat. Surrounded by passengers. And peanuts. And crying babies. And manhandled issues of Flight magazine. And the heady stench of impeding fiery death. Anyone else have a boner right now?
• Will Smith says that he and Jada are homeschooling their children, because history and dates aren't important, and anything of consequence you need to know, like for example how to fly a space shuttle, can be found in books. So if you see a couple of confused children wandering around Hollywood, scratching their asses and crying because they don't know how to find bus fare or talk to non-Cruises, but do know how to commandeer a submarine, they would be the Smith progeny.
• John Mayer and Jessica Simpson are together again, naturally. Even though they say they weren't together in the first place. But they are now. Probably. Eh.
• Well, we had the dubious honor of viewing the Screech sex tape yesterday. What can we say about it? He refers to himself in the third person, as "the D Man", he is more interested in the various edibles the ladies have around their hotel room than their vaginas, and the first 15 minutes consist of Dustin and his lady in a bubble bath, discussing the finer points of 24. Fleshbot has their own review. And screencaps.
• Agent Scully had a baby! And despite her insistence that the child was sired by boyfriend Clyde Klotz, her ex-husband Julian Ozanne is demanding a paternity test. So we can find out it's half-alien. And then Mulder will watch porn and there will be sexual tension, etc.
• Australian Holly Valance's nipple boomerangs out of her swimsuit. Crikey!
• Keira Knightley is engaged to her actor arm candy Rupert Friend. Can you imagine calling up your parents and saying, "Mom, Dad, I am going to be Mrs. Rupert Friend"? And then your parents would howl with laughter and say, "Sure, and I'm about to marry Nigel Sparkleshowers! Ahahahaha! His best man will be Cecil Rhys-Babybunnybottom! Hahahahaha!"
• Penelope Cruz half naked for Pirelli. Why are you still reading this?
• Janet Jackson has made whoopee on a plane. In her seat. Surrounded by passengers. And peanuts. And crying babies. And manhandled issues of Flight magazine. And the heady stench of impeding fiery death. Anyone else have a boner right now?
• Will Smith says that he and Jada are homeschooling their children, because history and dates aren't important, and anything of consequence you need to know, like for example how to fly a space shuttle, can be found in books. So if you see a couple of confused children wandering around Hollywood, scratching their asses and crying because they don't know how to find bus fare or talk to non-Cruises, but do know how to commandeer a submarine, they would be the Smith progeny.
November 14, 2006
Titney Sheers
Well, Britney has it half right. She was able to remember that when one is sporting a completely sheer top, it's best to wear a bra underneath. However, she completely forgot that the tits go IN the bra. INNNN the bra.
more »
more »
November 10, 2006
Lindsay Lohan: C-Word; C-Through
The night before last, in front of God and paparazzi and a doorman and everyone, Lindsay Lohan called Paris Hilton THE C-WORD. Oh, and furthermore, speaking of c-words, Lindsay's multitudinous beaux must be having a problem finding hers--although by this point we've all seen it so often that our three-year-old cousin can draw it from memory--because she's now taken to donning a map to the treasure:
more »
more »
November 08, 2006
CNW Junk Drawer: "All the Women He’s Been With Are Dirty Rats."
• Elle Macpherson's still got it! Believe the hype, feel the magic, catch the wave, etc., etc.
• Anna Nicole sold the video of her C-section to Entertainment Tonight for $1 million. OK, so for those who like to keep count: she sold the last pictures of her with her son, she sold the pictures of her "commitment ceremony" to lawyer/barnacle Howard K. Stern, she sold the (incredibly bloody and brutal) video of her baby's birth. Next on the auction block: the baby.
• Moby hopes that if and when he has children, they will turn out gay. Gay children everywhere are hoping that if and when they are sired, it won't be to Moby.
• Ryan Phillippe says, in regards to rumors that he cheated on Reese Witherspoon, “I’m not a perfect person, but I’m not guilty of a lot of the things I have been accused of.” He's not guilty of a lot of those things. Just a bunch of them. A passel, if you will.
• Lindsay Lohan has been rear-ended. Has she ever!
• Sienna Miller gets revenge on Pittsburgh by showing her boobs. That'll learn 'em.
• Jordan (sweet, sweet Jordan) says that husband Peter Andre's past as a schtupper of tramps makes her sick. Apparently, she feels fine about him being a present schtupper of one tramp.
• Jessica Simpson makes with the cleavage; jazz hands.
• Anna Nicole sold the video of her C-section to Entertainment Tonight for $1 million. OK, so for those who like to keep count: she sold the last pictures of her with her son, she sold the pictures of her "commitment ceremony" to lawyer/barnacle Howard K. Stern, she sold the (incredibly bloody and brutal) video of her baby's birth. Next on the auction block: the baby.
• Moby hopes that if and when he has children, they will turn out gay. Gay children everywhere are hoping that if and when they are sired, it won't be to Moby.
• Ryan Phillippe says, in regards to rumors that he cheated on Reese Witherspoon, “I’m not a perfect person, but I’m not guilty of a lot of the things I have been accused of.” He's not guilty of a lot of those things. Just a bunch of them. A passel, if you will.
• Lindsay Lohan has been rear-ended. Has she ever!
• Sienna Miller gets revenge on Pittsburgh by showing her boobs. That'll learn 'em.
• Jordan (sweet, sweet Jordan) says that husband Peter Andre's past as a schtupper of tramps makes her sick. Apparently, she feels fine about him being a present schtupper of one tramp.
• Jessica Simpson makes with the cleavage; jazz hands.
October 26, 2006
Kate Moss Gets Engaged, Celebrates by Showing off Panties
Remember the other day when we said that Kate Moss was going to produce the world's first 95% cocaine baby? Well, we were wrong. It'll be more like 85% cocaine, 10% champagne.
more »
more »
October 20, 2006
Sharon Stone's Shocking Snoobs
Remember about six months ago when you couldn't open a tabloid or peruse a gossip blog without hearing Sharon Stone ramble on about how sexy she was, and how shocking it was that she was sexy cause she's old? Looks like grandma is sick of only getting attention from her cats, so she decided to whip out some nipples. We are shocked! Shocked at her audacious nudity! Shouldn't she be wrapped in a shawl watching 20/20 and screaming about those damn kids on her lawn? more »
October 19, 2006
An Anagram of "Rachel Bilson" is "Ill-Chosen Bra"
These pictures appear to be pretty old--either from the premiere of the Zach Braff-helmed papfest Garden State, or when it was in theaters--but they just prove one thing: Rachel Bilson is the G.I. Joe of starlets; i.e. a real American hero. You see, there are people who are about to enter that theater and watch Garden State. And about halfway through, when they realize they're stuck with Zach Braff's Garry Shandling-lite face bobbling before them while Natalie Portman plays the winsome crazy, they have a happy place where their minds may safely wander: Rachel Bilson's nipples under her vaguely sheer black chemise.
Better pics under the cut. more »
Better pics under the cut. more »
September 22, 2006
Barbraless Streisand
Mammaries!
All exposed under flaaashbulbs!
We can smile at Babs' old days,
She was beautiful then,
We remember the time her teats were perky and young . . .
Let the mammaries live again!
Under the cut, Barbra Streisand takes a page from the book of Posh Spice, exposing her foundation garment-challenged Boobras stuffed into a very tight and very see-through black shirt. more »
All exposed under flaaashbulbs!
We can smile at Babs' old days,
She was beautiful then,
We remember the time her teats were perky and young . . .
Let the mammaries live again!
Under the cut, Barbra Streisand takes a page from the book of Posh Spice, exposing her foundation garment-challenged Boobras stuffed into a very tight and very see-through black shirt. more »
September 20, 2006
Repeat Offender: Victoria Rackham
Apparently, Posh Spice rather liked the reaction Monday's nip slip brought, and has decided that boob buttons make better accessories than Olsen-huge bags or platform pumps.
Truly the cherry on top of any outfit. more »
Truly the cherry on top of any outfit. more »
September 12, 2006
Claire's So-called Shirt
I am so, like, bummed today. I spent all day working on a mix tape for Jordan Catalano, because I know if I just do some little thing or whatever he'll think I'm cool and want to be my boyfriend and make out with me under the science wing stairwell and life will just be perfect. But then I realized that it would never be good enough, because he likes like The Ramones and Archers of Loaf and stuff and my mom is so mean she'll only buy me lame CDs like Frente! and The Lemonheads and that will never impress Jordan Catalano, because he is so . . . so Jordan Catalano, and he's so cool and whatever and he'll never love me. So I just gave up on the mix tape and decided to show him my nipples instead.
more »
more »
September 11, 2006
Blah Blah Lohan See-Through Blah Blah Blah Boobs Blah
Sigh.
When your gleaming, freshly-waxed genitals are captured in brilliant, full color for all the world to see, a vaguely sheer top seems about as titillating as a pair of stirrup pants and an "I Love My Corgi" cross stitched sweatshirt. more »
When your gleaming, freshly-waxed genitals are captured in brilliant, full color for all the world to see, a vaguely sheer top seems about as titillating as a pair of stirrup pants and an "I Love My Corgi" cross stitched sweatshirt. more »
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