filed under: Seal

"Oh, you think you can take off your bikini top in a glamorous locale with photographers snapping away? You think you can get away with that, Cindy Crawford? Well, guess what, trick. It's judgment day. Ka-BOOM! Want a big plate of spδtzle? Off comes MY bikini top. You like that, Crawford? I'll show you what supermodel shirt-suckers are all about! You're OUT! YOU'RE OUTTTT!"

There's a naked lady named Heidi Klum after the cut. Take heed. more »

• Now that it's raining more than ever/know that Biel still hates the paparazzi/You can get beat by her umba-rella/You get beat by her umba-rella, ella, ella, ay, ay, ay. (Egotastic!)

• Britney Spears pretends she has narcolepsy, which is not an oozing venereal disease, like one might automatically assume. (Yeeeah!)

• Katie "Jordan" Price gives a hot blow job!!! She'll really straighten you out! (Drunken Stepfather)

• Work that butt chin, Jessica Simpson. (IDLYITW)

• Now we know what Heidi Klum sees in Seal. (Pssst! It's his enormous penis!!!!) (Derek Hail)

• Happy Halloween! Please stick your candle into Christina Ricci's pumpkins. She was Wednesday Addams, after all, so this is plenty relevant. (Cityrag)

• Find out what happens when Dinas stop being orange and start gittin' REAL. (Fatback and Collards)

• And speaking of questionable Lohans (are there any other kind?), Michael is dressed like it's twink night at the Wet Piston, wtf. (Celeb Warship)

• Rwanda postponed its visit from Paris Hilton, presumably because it needed to reinforce its herpes levees. (Celebitchy)

• Scarlett Johansson knows that nothing says "we're casually dating, I'm kind of into you" than forcing your boyfriend to don your body parts around his neck like a gilded noose. (The Blemish)

This morning we saw the first pictures of Heidi Klum and Seal's new son, Johan Riley Fyodor Taiwo Samuel. It was sort of like looking at one of those Knifestlyes of the Rich and Famous spreads in Star Touch or In Weekly or whichever, where you try to figure out just what's different between the two pictures, the snaps in this case being Johan and Heidi Seal's first son, Henry. We were going to make a joke about nicknaming Johan "White Henry", but then we had a vision of ourself encased in fire and chanting "Yes Satan" and we thought better of it. more »

• Heidi Klum impregnated by Seal; expecting another flipper baby.

• Posh Spice to become godmother to Ginger Spice's baby daughter, Bluebell Spice. That's nice. When Bluebell needs advice on bulimia, tanning beds, and how to be a good trophy wife, she'll have a wealth of information at her fingertips.

• Yet MORE Toni Braxton nipples. You can put those things away now, honey.

• Nicole Kidman sends a case of beer to the paparazzi. We assume the reason for this was so that they wouldn't notice that her face has been freshly pulled, drawn up and over the back of her skull, and tacked into place for her upcoming nuptials.

• Robert Evans divorcing. Seventh time ain't the charm, apparently.

• Tera Patrick pics from FHM magazine. Which must stand for Fricking Humpable Mams.

• SNL's Andy Samberg gets Dunsted!

• Jen Love Hewitt's hugetits strapped in by nothing but a flimsy . . . Yoko Ono shirt?

• Michelle Rodriguez dreams of a relationship with Colin Farrell, but sadly, it can never be. Because he's not a girl.

• Pink promises that for one day only, her wedding day, she will "be a girl". But after the ceremony is over, the dress and all its frilly, lacy trappings will come off, the foot-long silicone strap-on will come out, and Pink will bend her new husband over their marriage bed and show that little bitch who wears the pants.

• Heidi Klum probes her husband.

• Which one's cuter?: Mischa Barton with a kitty! Awww! Awwww! Awwwwwwwwww!

• 50 Cent will let his little boy mock murder people and watch porno, but cussing's where he draws the line.

• Lindsay Lo-ho and Keanu Reeves might be heading for a shack-up. One can only imagine the stimulating conversations these two have.

• Nip slip? Bah. Lip slip? Soooo two days ago. Rhona Mitra goes next level with an implant scar slip. Jealous, bitches?

• Sorry, boys! Elton John is officially off the market!

• The terrorists will never win when we have freedom on our side! Freedom, and Alyssa Milano's breast.

Seal, Heidi Klum, her mother, and daughter Leni were swarmed by paparazzi two days ago when they were atttempting to enjoy a family meal at a New York City eatery patio. An enraged Seal charged the group, barked, clapped his flippers together, and balanced a shutterbug on his nose for a full five minutes before Heidi showed her appreciation by tossing him a few herring that she kept in a bucket by her feet. more »

Heidi Klum is now officially Mrs. Heidi . . . uh . . . Mrs. Heidi Seal. She wed her adult contemporary crap-pop crooner in a ceremony in Mexico yesterday. Take THAT, Renιe and Kenny Chesney! In your face! more »