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filed under: Scientology

October 21, 2008

Yo Holmes, Blow Ya Later

will_smith_kneel.jpgWill Smith is best friends with Tom Cruise, and you know what that means, right? Weekend getaways to Telluride and discounts on bulk orders of shoe lifts? Well, yes, but it also means he's as gay as a prima ballerina twirling a pinwheel in a field of daisies. According to new rumors, a "notorious Hollywood madame" claims that Will Smith was a client of hers for years, and that he always ordered the supersized Whopper. Yeeeah! reports that Madame X said:
“[The first time I spoke with Smith], I had to reassure him over and over that I could guarantee discretion. Once I convinced him I could, he placed his order. It was for a man. You’d be surprised at how many Hollywood stars requested the services of the guys.”

This lends itself quite nicely to Smith’s new allegiance to the homo-curing religion of Scientology:

Could Smith’s proclivities account for his recent apparent conversion to Scientology, a religion that’s chief appeal in Hollywood appears to be its promise to turn gay people straight? The religion’s founder, L. Ron Hubbard, believed homosexuals should be quarantined from society because he considered gays to be “quite ill physically” and homosexuality a “mental aberration.”
Looking back, this is all quite obvious if you explore the early oeuvre of the Fresh Prince releases. "I Think I Can Beat Mike Tyson" was just a radio-friendly version of the more colorful "I Think I Can Beat Off Mike Tyson". And "Parents Just Don't Understand" was actually the harrowing tale of coming out to one's mother and father and not, as one would assume, a song about buying Zips and picking up pre-teen runaways. Actually, no, that's pretty gay too.
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October 07, 2008

Jennifer Lopez Is a Xenuphile

jennifer_lopez_gags.jpgJ. Lo doesn't want to be remembered as the lady from Gigli with the fat butt who banged Puffy and then married a zombie and had his brain-hungry half-undead twins. No, indeed. So although better singers and actresses have taken her place, and a lady named Kim Kardashian with an even more inflated can has stepped in, Jennifer Lopez wanted to re-ASS-ert her dominance in the field of divadom. New website The Daily Beast debuts today with an eye-opening interview with Lopez. First she reveals that she suffered from post-partum depression:
“At the tenth day after giving birth all that chemical stuff did peak—that hormone thing—and I did cry a lot that day because I was having so much trouble moving. I couldn’t get up fast enough to feed the babies…Marc was helping out a lot and I was crying and crying and going, ‘Oh, Papi…they’re going to know everybody more than me…They’re going to love everybody more than me!’ [Lopez also says in the interview that she’s not breastfeeding, but doesn’t elaborate.]
Ah yes, if only you could have a list of backstage mother demands on the birth certificate stating that the babies must love Mommie Dearest above all. And that they have to provide her with gardenia Jo Malone candles and a low fat cheese plate.

But even more curious is Lopez's love for Scientology. The interview states:
Lopez’s father has been a Scientologist for more than 20 years, and she is frequently seen with converts including Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, and Leah Remini.
“I do know a lot about Scientology. And I know about the practices. I know all about what the technology is and all that kind of stuff. It’s very helpful. So in a sense, yeah, you do call on it.”
“Do you consider yourself a Scientologist?”
“No…I wouldn’t have a problem saying [I was] because I know what it is. I have no problems with it and it really actually bothers me that people have such a negative feeling towards it.”
“That it is too exotic? Too cultish?”
“Just negative feelings.”
“Would you consider schooling Emme and Max in a Scientology school?”
“Yeah. I wouldn’t mind. Not at all. Because I know that the technologies that they have are very helpful…It’s all about communication. That’s the thing, I really don’t like about talking about this. I do know so many great people who do do it, who choose it as a lifestyle and really follow it and it is their religion…I just wish that people wouldn’t judge it without knowing what it is.”
"It's all about communica--I HATE TALKING ABOUT THIS. Everyone is so down on it and they don't know what it is--I WILL NOT TELL YOU WHAT IT IS." more »
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September 12, 2008

U + Ur E-Meter

pink-thumbs-up-suit.jpg There is a plague among us. Little by little it is claiming the lives of Hollywood's elite. But along the way it must also claim the souls of those not-so-elite, those who earn less than $50 million a year, Hollywood's poor D-listers. Once it's through with all of Tinseltown, from Brad Pitt all the way through Brian Bonsal, it will come for the rest of us. So beware. If someone approaches you and offers up a copy of Diantics and tries to strap you to an e-meter, run for your life, but know that ultimately there is no escape. One day, you will end up like Pink. According to Contact Music (via Yeeeah!):
Friends reveal the singer has sought comfort from [confirmed Scientologist] Juliette Lewis, who is introducing her to the controversial religion. A source tells Star magazine, “Pink is in the beginning stages of checking out the religion, but she has taken to it and she wants to get more involved.”
You know what this means: baby rape is definitely off the menu in the Pink household. Whew! more »
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July 08, 2008

Nicole Kidman Sez: In Your Face, Xenu!

Nicole_Kidman_wrinkles_her_nose.jpg We know that ever since yesterday morning your face has been plagued with a perplexed expression, you've been scratching your head so much you've nearly created a new bald spot, and you've been muttering to yourself, "Sunday Rose? Seriously? Sunday Rose?" while walking around in circles and distractedly bumping into furniture. And we've been right there with you, pal. But luckily MSNBC has come along to solve the Nicole Kidman baby-name mystery:
By now it’s pretty much common knowledge that Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban named their baby Sunday Rose, and thus re-opened the vault of bad celebrity baby names.

What was the couple thinking? One Kidman source said that before the birth, Urban penned a song titled “Sunday” about his little miracle-to-be. “(Urban and Kidman) knew the sex of the baby beforehand, and once Keith wrote the song, they thought it was the perfect name for their baby,” said the Kidman source. “They really didn’t know she’d almost be born on Sunday.”

Another source said the name is her last jab at Scientology. “Nicole is a Catholic, and Sunday was an important religious day for her until she was involved in Scientology,” said the source. “She’s still bitter about her experience with Scientology and the fact her baby’s name could be perceived as one last jab doesn’t exactly upset her.”

What’s up next for the new family of three? “They’re going to nest in Nashville for a while.”
The Keith Urban song theory we totally get (and we're sure it's a masterpiece on the order of "Hey Jude"), but using your first naturally born child's moniker, the name she'll have to saddle until she's 18 and changes it to something really boring like Ann, to smite Scientology? We don't think so. We think Nicole's saving that honor for her very first yacht, the S.S. Scientology is a Cult Full of Crazy Alien Humpers. And of course the dinghy will be christened the P.S. My Ex-husband Tom Cruise Likes Wieners (and I Don't Mean Hot Dogs). more »
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June 10, 2008

Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Barley Water! Arrrgh!

tom cruise bald fat suit.jpg "Avast, yon lily-livered L. Ron followers! You be under attack! Hand over all your booty and doubloons! We be wantin' all your e-meters and copies of Dianetics or it's Davy Jones' Locker for you!" Or, in English, pirates are threatening to attack Scientologists! According to The New York Daily News:
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes should avoid takin' a cruise with the Scientologists this summer on threat of being sacked by pirates!

Crazy anti-Scientology vigilante group "Anonymous," which has been attacking the church and Cruise on YouTube, is stepping up its antics, promising to launch "Operation: Sea Arrrgh," an attack on Scientology's Sea Organization, the elite arm of the church that operates a ship called MV Freewinds.

The protesters, who claim they stay under the radar to protect themselves from church backlash, are peppering media outlets with promises they'll accost the Sea Organization all summer long, all pirate-style, in their latest attempt to expose the underbelly of the celebrity religion.

Yikes. If only Johnny Depp was a Scientologist, everything would be okay.
When Tom Cruise was told that a band of pirates was planning on attacking MV Freewinds, he threw some topsiders and a captain's hat in his duffel bag and immediately set out for the sea, giddily exclaiming, "Oh, I'm so excited! We're getting attacked by butt pirates! I've always wanted to meet one. We'll have so much fun!" more »
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May 01, 2008

Katie Holmes Goes to Camp

tomkathold.jpgWhen we last left Katie Holmes, she was entertaining the idea of possibly taking a short jaunt to New York City to star in a Broadway play for a change of scenery. That obviously went over really well with husband Tom Cruise, because he sent her away for a nice spa weekend. A nice spa weekend at Scientology HQ, with manicure of bamboo under the fingernails and facials of water torture. Scoops Star:
Katie was recently secluded for three days at Gold Base, the remote, supersecret Scientology compound in Hemet, Calif., where she was put through a demanding schedule. "It included various tests, confession sessions, tons of reading and physically challenging purification processes," a Scientology insider reveals. "Tom insists that auditing and purification practices are incredibly beneficial to Scientologists at all levels." Katie's intensive Scientology training and treatments have been accelerated in recent weeks, says another source, because she wanted to go to New York City without Tom to star in a Broadway play. But Tom stepped in and put the kibosh on her plans. And now Katie's been going in for a series of intensive auditing sessions, some which have lasted for 36 hours straight - with little sleep or food."
We're not sure which part of this story is less plausible, the physically challenging purification processes or the fact that Scientology has a super-secret evil lair. Is it hidden in the side of a mountain or in the bottom of the ocean? Is it overseen by L. Ron Hubbard's reanimated brain, which hisses, "I'll get you next time, Holmes! Next time!" while stroking MAD Cat? more »
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April 22, 2008

Frog Worshipers, Tom Cruise OK with Madonna

madonna wears a powdered wig.jpg Sure, people talk a lot of smack on Scientology, but they're usually godless heathens who don't believe in anything. A person of true faith is about to set the record straight: Tom Cruise is no cuckoo for thinking that his body is host to ancient aliens or some gobbledygook. He's just a normal person of religion who is persecuted. Just like Jesus. And orphans. So tell it like it is, Madonna:
I don't care if people worship turtles or frogs - if they're good people, that's all I care about, and he (Cruise) is a good person.

I think he gets a raw deal, just as I think the orphans in Malawi get a raw deal; just as I think a lot of marginalised people get a raw deal.
Those are some sage words coming from a woman who believes that a piece of string will ward off the evil of the universe. But we don't think millionaire movie star Tom Cruise being made fun of for believing in theatans and emeters is anywhere near the same thing as orphans getting a "raw deal." See, he's just gullible; they HAVE NO PARENTS. There's not much hope that they'll snap out of that anytime soon. more »
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February 05, 2008

Kirstie Alley Is Scientology's Crazy Person Also-Ran

kirstie alley shoots water gun.jpg Just like any clique, Scientology has their fads. But instead of blue glitter nail polish and peep toe heels (only John Travolta seems to have adopted those), the Scientolobots like publicly airing their internal gibberish. We're beginning to think that all those auditing sessions make people unlearn the art of constructing a complete sentence and replace it with a list of keywords that can be constructed in myriad combinations. To Tom Cruise's wild and wooly, KSW, and glib, Kirstie Alley adds mankind, dynamic, and responsibility, according to Page Six:
IF you think Tom Cruise sounds wacky talking about Scientology being the "authority" on everything, just listen to Kirstie Alley, who's interviewed in the church's official magazine, Source. Alley, listed as a founding member of Scientology's "Super Power Expansion Project," gushes about its Florida summit last summer: "I'm walking out an entirely different being, and I mean entirely different . . . My viewpoint on the fourth dynamic and mankind and other people changed. You know, I liked animals more than people! OK, I liked certain people, but the idea of 'mankind' - it really irritated me!" Alley continues: "Then I realized why mankind upset me so much - it's because I wasn't taking responsibility! . . . Now, I have genuine affinity for mankind . . . I've made decisions here, big, crazy, great, brilliant decisions here about the magnitude I'm going to help this group and help this planet, and it's real . . . I want everybody in the universe to experience this." Whatever you say, Kirstie!
What the hell did she just say? We can't figure it out beyond "People are swell!" We think those L. Ron followers have a plan here. They have their famous people talk and talk to subdue you until you start thinking, "Hey, I don't understand any of that. Maybe I need to head to my nearest Church of Scientology and pick up some of their literature so I can understand what these crazy people are saying." Then in your quest to be educated, you enter the "church", are whisking into an auditing room where you are given a mixture of barley water, milk and corn syrup, and are unable to return to the warmth and safety of your home until you've given up $5000, two days of your life, and your free will. We're on to you, Scientology.
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January 30, 2008

Just How Much Frozen Hubbard Sperm Is the Celebrity Center Hoarding?

katie holmes pregnant basketball.jpg Break out your Swarovski-studded celebratory e-meters and get ready to party like it's Xenu's last stand, cause Katie Holmes is baking up super baby overlord number 2! Whooooo! The Sydney Morning Herald reports:
Katie Holmes has fuelled rumours she is pregnant by buying a "Big Sister" t-shirt for daughter Suri.

The Batman Begins star visited Los Angeles baby boutique Petit Tresor with Suri - her 21-month-old daughter with husband Tom Cruise - where she spent over $2000 on baby clothes.

A source said: "Katie ordered loads of cute girlie spring dresses for Suri.

But she also bought a pink t-shirt which said 'Big Sister' and two matching romper suits, one which said 'Little Sister' and one which said 'Little Brother'."
Way to jump on a trend there, Katie. What's next, exhaustion? Rehab? Tights as pants?

One definite upside to Katie's festering fetus is another career hiatus, as her recent return to work wasn't too successful. And she's pissed. Reports Woman's Day (via Celebitchy):
A distraught Katie Holmes has stormed out of a crisis meeting with her husband Tom Cruise, furious over damaging publicity about his Scientology beliefs, and humiliated over the disastrous reaction to the movie he told her to make.

The actress is said to be inconsolable after a string of leaked Scientology videos, featuring her husband saluting a portrait of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard, declaring war on psychiatry and claiming that members of his religion are “the only ones who can really help” accident victims, have flooded the Internet and divided Hollywood.

“Oh, I’m going hard on those guys and their reign … psychiatrists,” says Tom in one disturbing video. “It’s disgusting to me. No mercy … none. Psychiatry doesn’t work… When you study the effects, it’s a crime against humanity.” … after this new scandal she can no longer ignore the Hollywood backlash.
Ugh, whatever. Who is Katie to complain? Before Tommy came along she was starring in First Daughter. Sure, she had a major part in a huge superhero movie that people actually liked, but really you could have put a chaise lounge in the part with pretty much the same effect. And now she's one of the biggest stars in the world, and the only effort she has to make is to restrain herself from screaming "Save me! He makes me drink pigeon blood every night!" while shoe shopping at Barney's. We'd say that's an okay trade-off. Who needs hit movies when you've got Paris fashion week with Posh?
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January 22, 2008

Hubbard Hired a High School Video Workshop Class with Mad VHS Skillz

travolta_clap.jpgTwo sure bets when it comes to getting a lot of reader feedback here at CelebNewsWire? Clay Aiken stories and Scientology videos! Today's leaked Xenu vid does not include Tom Cruise talking about "romping", but weep not--there's John "Johnny wants mouthwash" Travolta and a Cheers-era Kirstie Alley urging us to become one of them! Celebitchy graciously provides us with a transcript and please dig, if you will, the intro:
"If you leave this room after seeing this film and walk out and never mention Scientology again, you are perfectly free to do so. It would be stupid, but you can do it. You can also dive off a bridge or blow your brains out. That is your choice."
Well, OK! Blam!

You need Flash Player 8 or higher to view video content with the
ROO Flash Player.

Click here
to download and install it.



Here's what we don't get: Scientology is notorious for bleeding its followers dry financially, and for its palaces of solid gold and opulent conventions. You'd think they'd have more than $55.84 in the budget to spend on a recruitment video. The star power is impressive, but we think they'd have a better chance of converting people if they threw some CGI in there. Maybe some spaceships. An evil intergalactic overlord. And, oh, we dunno, Barry Pepper. Oh, wait, such a Scientology training video does exist; it's called Battlefield Earth!
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January 17, 2008

More Tom Cruise Xenu Videos: Now Even Wilder; Woolier

cruise_thumb.jpgOur Tom Cruise Scientological Claptrap Video story has proven to be the most popular of 2008 Q1 (said vid has been removed from YouTube, but you can still watch it at Gawker), so we felt it was only right and natural to bring you the other sections of the bone-chillingly riveting ceremony. LISTEN with rapture as the overzealous announcer gives a five minute introduction proclaiming Tom to be the best OT Clear who has ever graced our humble planet with his presence! WATCH in wonder as Tom salutes the giant, Lenin-esque portrait of L. Ron Hubbard staring down upon his gullible minions! OBSERVE utter hilarity as Tom Cruise is proven to be the one man who can--and did!--save New York City after 9/11!

And the chuckles don't stop there, folks. According to Celebitchy, some folks now think that Katie Holmes faked her fabled New York Marathon finish, and that she actually had someone run it for her. We saw that on an episode of According to Jim once. You know, we thought something was a little suspicious when Katie crossed that finish line in a zero-support shelf-bra tank top with no sign of blood or nip chafing in sight. Christ, even Pete Doherty's been guarding his perky B-cups with an underwire Olga.
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January 16, 2008

CNW Junk Drawer: Leg-Spreading and Fetus-Getting

Eva_Mendes_Cleavage.jpg• Cleava Mendes. (Drunken Stepfather)

• "Dear Brad Renfro. We came over to fuck you but you were dead. Love, Tiffany and Amber." Rest in peace, Brad. (Fatback and Collards)

• We want to "LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!!!!", honestly we do, but we just can't when she keeps flipping us her outer labes. (Taxi Driver)

Jenna Jameson swears that she will "never spread her legs" for the porn industry again. She will spread Philadelphia's whipped strawberry cream cheese, though. It's the wonderfully spreadable, sweetly fruity topping with only 60 calories per serving! (IDLYITW)

Alessandra Ambrosio caught Pregnant, too. (The Blemish)

Zac Efron was rushed to the emergency room for an emergency highlighting. Those buttery chunks ain't gonna streak themselves. (Derek Hail)

• Lumps on Halle Berry's torso: now there are three. (Daily Stab)

• "Now that bulbs flashing more than ever/You can see under my dress, fellas. Ellas. Ellas. Ay. Ay." (Cityrag)

Jennifer Garner may have been the original target of Tom's Cruise missile of love. (Superficial)

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January 15, 2008

Tom Cruise Talks and Talks, But the Only Thing That Comes Out Is Verbal Crazy

tom cruise butter teeth.jpg We like to pride ourselves on knowing our readers. We know you love knockers and large asses and flashed gash and anything involving Paris Hilton looking stupid or Britney Spears looking crazy. We also know that an unusually high percentage of you are sustained coma survivors. Many of you have only recently reentered the world of the mobile after ten or twenty years of unconsciousness, and naturally you turn to us for updates on pop culture. So for those of you who still think that Tom Cruise is a cocky little go-getter married to a huge-tittied lady, we regret to inform you that he is now a cocky little cult member married to a brainwashed former teen melodrama star. And here's over nine minutes of cuckoo nutso rambling to prove it (video via Celebitchy).



Watching that made us feel like we'd just woken up from a twenty-year coma and landed in Blade Runner. KSW? SPs? We have no idea what the hell the little man is talking about. And by the end of it we felt it was sort of like listening to Sabbath backward; we heard sounds, but they didn't really add up to words, just subliminal messages about "our leader" and "thetans" and "e-meters". We were only able to snap out of the trance when Tommy slipped in an ode to Heidi Klum when he pronounced "You're either in or you're out." We hope an executive at Bravo sees this and is hit with the inspiration for Project Scientologist, where young L. Ron followers compete to reach higher and higher Operating Thetan levels.
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January 09, 2008

Will Smith Is Scientologist, Gives Crappy Gifts

will smith shouts it out.jpg "I am definitely not a Scientologist. Yes, I'm friends with Tom Cruise, and he is a Scientologist, but that does not mean that I am a Scientologist. My strong will and Christian morals have so far been able to resist Tom's dreamy eyes and mischievous smile. So you got that, world, I am not a Scientologist. Now here, have a complimentary copy of Dianetics. It'll change your life. Love, Will Smith." Or, in the words of Ben Widdicombe:
Will Smith has joined the ranks of Hollywood power players actively recruiting for the Church of Scientology.

Big stars traditionally distribute "wrap presents" to crew members after completing a film. His recent gift after wrapping next summer's comedy "Hancock" was a card good for a personality test at your local Scientology center.

Fun!

Never mind that such tests are given free by the church anyway. The quiz is designed to convert people to the religion by identifying personality flaws that - surprise! - Scientology can fix right up for you.

For a fee, of course.

Smith, who is best buddies with Scientology booster Tom Cruise, has never confirmed that he joined the church. But he told "Access Hollywood" last month: "I was introduced to it by Tom, and I'm a student of world religion. I was raised in a Baptist household. I went to a Catholic school, but the ideas of the Bible are 98% the same ideas of Scientology, 98% the same ideas of Hinduism and Buddhism."

Presumably the other 2% is the part about the evil space emperor who put the hydrogen bombs in the volcano.
It appears that extreme caca breath doesn't fall under L. Ron's definition of a "personality flaw".
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January 07, 2008

Shocking New Book Alleges Tom Cruise Is Wacky Cult Leader

tom cruise gives the thumbs up.jpg So you know all those things you've heard about Tom Cruise being a crazy loony mental patient who does nothing all day but mutter under his breath "I love L. Ron. L. Ron is God" and stare at the author's photo on the back of Dianetics? Someone said, "What the hell, I can sell that" and wrote a book. Finally, we can claim to have more journalistic integrity than someone. PageSix.com reports:
A new book by Princess Diana's biographer makes some astonishing claims about Tom Cruise and the hold that Scientology has over every aspect of his life.

In Tom Cruise: An Unauthorized Biography, Andrew Morton launches an extraordinary attack on the Top Gun star — and on those closest to him, including his little daughter, Suri.

The U.K.'s Daily Mail has revealed some of the more scandalous allegations that Morton makes in the book:

* Tom's daughter with Katie Holmes, Suri, was conceived like Rosemary's Baby, a film "in which an unsuspecting young woman is impregnated with the Devil's child." Morton claims that some "fanatical" Scientologists believe that Suri is the result of a sperm donation by Scientology's dead founder, L. Ron Hubbard.

* Morton implies that Scientology executives contributed to the failure of Tom's marriage to Nicole Kidman. He writes that because Nicole's father was a psychologist (a science said to be frowned upon by the religion) and that she had given an interview emphasizing her roots as a Catholic that she would "compromise Tom's commitment to his faith." When the couple split in 2000, Morton claims that Nicole was worried that she might not be able to see the two children the couple had adopted (Isabella and Conor). He also states that she was worried that her Scientology "audit" tapes, which contained details of her sex life, might be leaked if she spoke out. * The author says that Penelope Cruz's father, Eduardo, feared that his daughter would be drawn into a "cult" while she dated her Vanilla Sky co-star, and "emailed an organization devoted to helping cult members and their families."

* Morton says that Tom's current mission is to recruit David and Victoria Beckham. The 45-year-old took Scientology leader David Miscavige to a Real Madrid game in 2004 and when the Beckhams moved to Los Angeles in July last year, he threw them a celebratory party.

Tom's longtime lawyer Bert Fields spoke to the Daily Mail about the book, describing it as "a pack of lies." He said that the tome is "poorly researched and badly written, and it's not really even about Tom Cruise — it's an attack on Scientology." He also said that Morton hasn't spoken to him, Tom's mother, sister, Paula Wagner (Tom's producing partner), his agent, wives, David Beckham, Will Smith, Jennifer Lopez or any of the famous directors he's worked with.

While the book isn't being published in the U.K., readers in the U.S. will have a chance to judge for themselves when it is published Stateside on January 15.
What, that's it? What's so scandalous about that? It doesn't even mention anything about Katie Holmes's contract or about the eighteen-year-old rent boy Tom keeps hidden in the basement (we may have made up that last one, but we have the Mortonian spirit this morning). If you're going to pick a pack of unsubstantiated rumors to populate your trashy book, why not pick the really interesting ones? We already know that Tom is culty crazy number two and that he wants the Beckhams to help his recruiting efforts. This is pretty boring stuff. That's why in our unauthorized Tom Cruise biography (TK as soon as why can find good blackmail material on a Random House staffer, hopefully spring '09) we'll focus on Tom and Katie's sham relationship, her big payoff, and the possibility that either former Katie schtupper Chris Klein or Tommy cousin and Lost creepy William Mapother is actually Suri's dad, with special totally fictional drawings of what we assume Katie's nightly lockdown looks like (a windowless room, leg shackles--which would explain all those wide-legged pants--and an endless supply of celery sticks and Scientological literature).
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October 17, 2007

Suri Spoiled by Scientology

suri sneaks stealthily.jpg Have you ever wondered what's involved in a Scientological upbringing? Do you think it's all 18-hour auditing sessions and "yes master"s and "I denounce my thetans" and "I did not see Daddy tongue kissing John Travolta in the herb garden"? US Weekly assures us that it's, oh, so much more.
Everyone knows that Suri Cruise, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ adorable little daughter, leads a charmed existence but her upbringing as a Scientologist remains largely a mystery. How does the religion started by L. Ron Hubbard influence Suri’s life on a daily basis?

Us Weekly has learned that while Suri -- who as a baby was breastfed and nursed on a mixture of barley water, milk and corn syrup which Hubbard advocated as being healthier than formula and breast milk -- is too young to take classes at the Scientology Centre, the 18-month-old is constantly surrounded by believers, including her two nannies.

“Tom doesn’t like associating with people who aren’t Scientologists,” says an insider.

Additionally, Holmes, 29, and Cruise, 45, have a hard time saying no to Suri. But it’s not simply because they’re pushovers.

“It’s all about being positive and supportive,” says the couple’s friend (Hubbard advised parents to “try to be the child’s friend.”) As for discipline, one former church member tells Us that Scientologists do not scold their children, but instead explain that bad behavior (like throwing a toy) is the “wrong action.” (A Scientology rep tells Us, “How a parent disciplines their child is left up to the parent.”)

Cruise and Holmes, says their pal, are very lenient and do not like to give Suri too many rules: “Suri pretty much does whatever she wants, whenever she wants. If she fusses before bed, they let her stay up later. If they want her to go swimming and she cries, they’ll take her out. If she whines about food, they’ll ask her what else she wants to eat. They always want to please her.”
So Suri's growing up wearing $500 Chanel diapers, drinking the infant version of Red Bull, and never hearing the word no. We're just going to start calling her Veruca Salt right now in preparation.
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September 25, 2007

Tom Cruise Baking "Welcome to the Neighborhood" Snickerdoodles for Xenu

tom cruise gives thumbs up.jpg Get ready, children, Xenu is coming! He's gonna do stuff and kill things and be mean and it'll be bad. But don't worry; all of L. Ron's work to warn us of the dangers of Xenu and the coming Apocalypse will not be in vain, thanks to Tom Cruise and his mountains and mountains of money and fortunate foresight. According to Star magazine (via Celebitchy):
Devout Scientologist Tom Cruise plans to build a $10 million bunker under his Telluride, Colorado, mansion, a source tells Star! Equipped with a high tech air-purifying system, “it’s a self-contained underground system where up to 10 people can survice for years.” Apparently, Scientologists believe that the evil deposed galatic [sic] ruler Xenu is set to attack Earth, and they’ll need a safe place to survive.
$10 million may seem like a lot of money to spend on a doomsday bunker, but when you think about all the advanced fertility equipment involved that will assure Tom that he can repopulate the earth without ever actually having to touch Katie's own underground bunker, it's quite a bargain.
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August 29, 2007

Camp Hubbard: Eradicating Thetans Since 1978 (Horseback Riding Since 1993)

tom and connor cruise.jpg Your summer camp experience probably included lots of impromptu booger-eating contests, making macramé Kleenex cosies for your mom, and trying to trick the girls into skinny-dipping. At Tom Cruise's kids' summer camp, they learn how to purge their bodies of alien impurities and earn enough money so that giving up sixty percent of your income to further L. Ron's message doesn't seem like a really big deal. Oh, and for those little boys who spend all their time in the crafts lodge bedazzling their scarf collection, there's a special workshop on suppressing your unnatural urges. more »
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June 26, 2007

CNW Junk Drawer: Outrageous and Delusional

Christina_Aguilera_Pregnant_Tits.jpg• If Christina Aguilera isn't pregnant in her uterus, then she's definitely carrying a set of twins in her cans. Whooo-eeee! (Drunken Stepfather)

• I know why the caged Tom Sizemore sings. Because meth makes you chipper. (FemaleFirst)

• What will Paris do, post-jail? Here are some fine ideas on life after incarceration. (Yeeeah!)

• While Paris was in jail, her Delorean or whatever was repossessed. It would be funner if it was just plain possessed, like Christine, but we work with what we're given. (Hollywood Backwash)

• A new musical is in the works, based on "outrageous and delusional" Claymates. If there's anything that makes our comment switchboard light up, it's Clay Aiken! (ONTD)

• Once upon a time, Eva Mendes wanted to be a nun. Then she looked in the mirror and was like, "hahahahahahaha, yeah RITE." (Derek Hail)

• Germany has banned Tom Cruise from filming scenes for a new movie in their country, simply because they think Scientology is lame. Who says Germans don't have a sense of humor? (Celebrity Hack)

Hef: the Movie. (Hollywood Grind)

• V.I.L.E. henchmen Timberlake and Biel have been spotted passing the loot on to Robocrook in . . . Copenhagen! (I Don't Like You In That Way)

• Justin, by the way, is arty. Wait, not arty. Farty. (FemaleFirst)

• Michael Lohan claims that Mama Dina blew rails while pregnant with "our oldest child, Lindsay." That would explain a thing or two, except for the fact that Lindsay has an older brother. Who's the cokehead now, Michael? Huh? Huh? (Celebitchy)
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March 21, 2007

Kate Cruise Must Be Punished! Off to the Steam Room with Her!

kate cruise punished.jpg That Katie Holmes sure is uppity. She wants to shop at expensive stores that her husband can easily afford, and she wants to have something called a career. Sometimes, she even has her own opinions. We heard that once Tom was going on and on about their son Sudi, and Katie sheepishly said, "You mean our daughter Suri," and Tom just lost it. He did not put that kind of backtalk into her contract! But Tom will show her. Kate won't have time to shop now, what with the Church of Scientology's purifying five-hour saunas and refreshing snacks of pure vegetable oil. Mmmm. It makes your insides all slick, like an esophageal slip 'n' slide! more »
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February 23, 2007

Hey, Look. Suri.

0223_suri_bg.jpgYoung Suri Cruise's haunted eyes project the frightened and complete understanding of her situation. "I know into what I was born," those blue orbs cry. "I know, and I accept my fate. No, do not attempt to save me, friends. Save yourselves." Suri Cruise does not suffer fools.
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February 16, 2007

JLo Enrolls in L. Ron's Aliens and You: An Introduction

j lo anthony.jpg You might be thinking to yourself, "Why is Jennifer Lopez sharing her breath with the walking corpse she calls a husband? What purpose does he serve in her life that couldn't be fulfilled by a loyal lap dog, a really good personal assistant, and a two-inch vibrator?" We're guessing she will continue pumping him full of oxygen long enough for him to reach the Operating Thetan level that will allow him to FINALLY impregnate her. Then it's off to the morgue with you, Anthony. more »
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January 29, 2007

JLo: Spawn of Xenu?

jlo alien hair.jpg When we first heard that Jennifer Lopez was one of the privileged guests at TomKat's Crazee Roman Alien Wedding (TM), we were confused. Then we heard that Xenu was helping JLo fill up her empty, lonely womb and saw her gal palling with Leah Remini, and it made a bit more sense. But as it turns out, those Hubbardians have been working their thetan-killing magic on Jenny Lo for a good twenty years with an inside operative: her dad. more »
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January 23, 2007

He Turns Water into Whine

tomcruiseheyyyyy.jpgThe Sun is reporting that according to top leaders of the aliens-in-a-volcano religion, Tom Cruise is the Jesus of Scientology. A "source close to the actor" is quoted as saying:
Tom has been told he is Scientology’s Christ-like figure. Like Christ, he’s been criticized for his views. But future generations will realize he was right.”
Yes, and in the future, we will all celebrate Cruisemas (May 22, commemorating the release day of Far and Away), the day we gather with our families to grin maniacally, dance to "Old Time Rock and Roll" together, hang tab collar leather jackets on the fireplace mantle, and sing "You've Lost that Lovin' Feeling" after the somber Jumping of the Couch ceremony. more »
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January 18, 2007

Posh Buys Shoes, Not Religion