filed under: Sarah Jessica Parker

Mole-free television thespian Sarah Jessica Parker says that shoes are more dependable than a man. Because shoes protect your feet from rocks, errant heroin needles, and puddles of urine, while men cheat on you with women who refer to them as "Mattycakes". NOW Magazine reports:

Sarah Jessica Parker says she’d choose shoes over a guy – because they’re more dependable than men.

Talking about her Sex And The City character Carrie, the 43-year-old actress says: "She could probably count on a Manolo more than a man. So is it better than sex? Yes!"

And you know what's better than fellatio? SHOPPING! And how about holding hands with a guy on the beach? It doesn't hold a candle to Yoplait's new cheesecake symphony whipped yogurt with active cultures, AMIRIGHT GIRLFRIENDS???? Orgasms? We don't need no stinkin' orgasms, we've got decadent fat-free dark chocolate mini-cakes and streak-free shine and mangotinis with the girls and AAAACK! ACK! ACK!

Someday, Irving will marry me. Someday. more »

Musical-theater enthusiast Matthew Broderick has cheated on moleless wife Sarah Jessica Parker! With a lady! The shock! Reports Star:

Sarah Jessica Parker's husband has been sneaking off for hot trysts with a stunning redhead half his age, sources tell Star in a blockbuster exclusive.

In the new issue of Star — on newsstands now — we report that while the beloved actress was frantically searching for hubby Matthew Broderick one night earlier this year, he was having sex in the city with a gorgeous redhead half his age, the young woman told a friend.

After meeting in a bar, Matthew began text messaging the 25-year-old youth counselor, says the woman's pal. Soon after, the insider claims, they began seeing each other and things got passionate quickly when they met at the Manhattan townhouse of a showbiz friend.

Sources say the woman felt conflicted with her relationship with Matthew, whom she nicknamed "Matty Cakes." She tried to end it, say insiders, but that didn't happen and over the next month — when Sarah Jessica was filming Sex and the City: The Movie in Los Angeles — multiple eyewitnesses say they saw Matthew make late-night visits to the other woman's apartment building.

During one tryst, they arrived at her friend's apartment after a night of heavy drinking, says a source. She dragged Matthew into the friend's bedroom, then shut the door. "A half hour later, Matthew opened the bedroom door, mumbled 'Well... 'bye!' and walked out. The friend found her passed out on the bed in her panties."

This is sort of akin to those stories you hear about Orlando Bloom spelunking in vaginal cavities. It's just unnatural. We'd resigned ourselves to the idea of Matt and SJ and the possible comingling of genitals, but beyond that we prefer to think of Matthew as a life-size (or slightly smaller than life-size, as the case may be) Ken doll. Plus: Matty Cakes? We know the mag claims this woman is half Matt's age, but the last time we checked he wasn't sixteen. And we're pretty sure only an eight-year-old could call someone Matty Cakes and not punch themselves in the face for being so lame. But then again, Matthew is married to a woman who voluntarily calls herself Sarah Jessica. more »

• Mr. Skin takes to the streets of Chicago to find out which Saved by the Bell babe is the most wanted in the Windy City. (Mr. Skin)

• Samantha Ronson blows a load all over Lindsay Lohan. Load, kiss, same thing. (Drunken Stepfather)

• If Tom Cruise had a comic book. (Holy Taco)

• Model Miranda Kerr dumps Orlando Bloom for Brandon "Firecrotch!" Davis. Trading a eunuch elf for Fat Elvis? That's kind of a lateral move. (Yeeeah!)

• Sarah Jessica Parker gets her chin goober removed; now will only be mistaken for Lemmy Kilmeister 50% of the time. (Cityrag)

• Don't tase me, (Josh) bro(lin)! (The Blemish)

• Katy Perry wants to kiss a girl. A girl named Miley Cyrus. And we liked it. (Hollywire)

• Kristin Chenoweth is charming, funny, and has colossal gazongas. (Fatback)

• Vanessa Hudgens straddles Zac Efron on the beach. She's thinking sex, he's thinking "stop smudging my bronzer." (F-listed)

• Reggie Bush desires less tush from girlfriend Kim Kardashian. He also hates America, freedom, petting puppies, and ice cream. (Celebitchy)

• Bret Michaels and Ambre Lake have ended their "relationship". Now Bret can spend more time with his hair and the finest European extensions money can buy. (Celeb Warship)

• Emmy nominations released; Katherine Heigl's wish comes true when she gets zilch. (Bitten and Bound)

This one's for all you people out there who are fans of that elusive breed known as the Butterface. Sarah Jessica Parker, the patron saint of those with the Land o' Lakes visage, shows some highly perfect buttocks (pic pretty much NSFW) through a see-through, soaking wet dress during a movie shoot. Whip out your knives, dairy lovers. This one's highly spreadable. more »

The Gap has unceremoniously dropped singer Joss Stone from their ad campaign after they found out that she's shacking up with a much older man. Joss replaced Sarah Jessica Parker, who herself was replaced for being extremely old and rather homely.
The Gap:
Older boyfriends, an equine face = bad
Sweatshops and child labor = totally f-ing sweet! more »

We already said it once today, but seriously folks, this celebrity de-coupling has got to end. Our cold, stone hearts may never recover if Hollywood doesn't start feeling the love. Is this how the Brits and the gays felt when Charles and Diana split? more »